As 2010 begins, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story. In fact, both my wife and I are.
To build on the ideas from the previous post and the ideas presented in Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, let’s unpack this a bit more.
How is living a better story accomplished?
There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller).
- The characters.
- They have to want something.
- They have to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
- And there has to be a climactic resolution.
So how exactly does this apply to you?
Every story has a main character.
That’s you … check.
The character has to want something.
Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?
I’ll share a few things on my list. I want to have a published, best selling book written this year. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.
On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.
The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.
On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.
Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win. If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?
I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.
During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage – “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”
It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.
Conflict produces change. The truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.
So what does it look like to move into conflict?
For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.
For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster. It meant sharing with you my goals of getting my proposal done by the end of 2009 (which the first part is now in my agent’s inbox).
Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.
Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.
There has to be a climactic resolution.
This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.
Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind. Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.
This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.
Then move into the story and don’t look back.
What do you think?
Photo courtesy bartlec
Great thoughts in this post … conflict is necessary for growth in a marriage … and increased happiness. I think you would like my little book, just listed #1 on the Boston Globe's self-help relationship books '09: “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.”
Stop by and visit @ http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
For 20 years, I was in a marrigae that was hugely stressful and full of conflict. The challenges were rampant but not so difficult they couldn't have been meet hand in hand, but neither of us in individually was secure in our own strength to be able to accomplish the partnership. Today I spend tie with soeone who embraces a conflict with the goal of detaching the “mis” from “understanding”. She has taught me a way to voice hurt without hurting back. This creates compassion instead of fueling fear and anger.
That's a great way to phrase it Kip – “a way to voice hurt without hurting back.” Thanks.
Love this article! It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes I try to hold close: “Pain is often the greatest catalyst to powerful change” Hal Runkel
Some marriage research I dug up said the #1 reason for divorce is conflict avoidance, so you are right on track with moving into the conflict. I interviewed one couple who explained they had avoided conflict for 30 years of marriage! That lead to a lengthy separation (near divorce) where they had to “learn to fight.” Thankfully they finally got it together and are both satisfied.
These are all really good points!
As a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I would like to add that couples need to know that conflicts are bound to happen. But here’s the good news: there are skills they can learn so that they can handle them better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, “The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship.” To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.