Nice Guys and Nice Girls have been speaking up a great deal lately, both in the comments on these posts and in emails I’ve received over the past couple of weeks. Apparently, this discussion is hitting close to home.
While you may not be a full blown Nice Guy or Nice Girl, I’ll bet you have some of their traits.
If so, are they getting in the way in your marriage?
Here’s why being a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl looks so appealing at first.
It meets your need for acceptance and love.
Look at it this way. Of course someone is going to like you when you’re nice and good. When you do nice things for them and show them you care and love them in your actions and words. It’s common sense. If you’re a “pleaser” then people will initially love it.
The problem surfaces in the long haul of your relationship.
At our core there are two fundamental life forces or drives. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.
Every human has a desire to connect with another person. To have conversations, touch, sex, love, etc. that can only be found in relationships.
At the same time, every human has a desire to be in control of their own destiny and identity. To map out their own course in life and be their own person.
The major pitfall of the Nice Guy and the Nice Girl is found in the sacrifice of their separateness in order to hopefully receive love and acceptance from their spouse. The longer this goes on, the less there is of the Nice Guy/Girl and the more they are consumed and defined by their relationship.
There’s another issue with being too close, the loss of separateness will lead to a decrease in passion and eroticism in the relationship, because passion and eroticism can only exist in the space between you.
The loss of passion and eroticism is not what any of us expect going into marriage. I didn’t.
Perhaps that’s why you’re a regular reader of Simple Marriage. Or you’ve sought out therapy or every self-help book you can get your hands on. You want to grow up and live more from the deep part of your being. To live with passion and energy.
I constantly hear people in my counseling office say “I don’t know who I am anymore” or “I don’t know what it means to be a man/woman.” This syndrome is rampant in our society. I believe this is why reality television has taken off in the past decade – people would rather watch life than get off the couch and live it!
The number one question I’ve heard in our Nice People discussion thus far is “Okay, I’ve read a couple of the books you’ve referred to – now what?”
There’s not an easy answer to this question – and Nice People will often look for the easy answers to life’s tough questions.
Breaking free of Nice People Syndrome and moving into an adults only marriage is best done in community with others. Honestly, if this were easy to do on your own, you’d probably be doing it already.
This community can be a couple of good friends (even just one good friend, provided they’re the same gender as you), a therapist, or a group at your church – just involve other people in your journey. Why? Because when others are involved, you up the likelihood of following through with your end of the deal.
Since this discussion has hit home for so many people, I’ve creating a place for recovering Nice People to gather – Adults Only Marriage. If you want to join us or just want to check it out please do.
I’m on this journey as well. A journey to discover what happens in an adults only marriage. You’re welcome to come along.
See you there.
Love this line Corey: “passion and eroticism can only exist in the space between you.”
What an excellent motivation to keep some separateness in our marriages.
Thanks!
Reading this post something came to my mind: the Maslow Pyramid. There was the level of Belonging, and the level of Esteem – but no-one told me then that for reaching the higher level of Esteem sometimes you need to risk the Belonging (at least, the illusion of that, when the accepted one is Mr/Ms Nice, and not the Real You).
Coming to that, risking the levels below might be necessary for Self-Actualization, too: eg. the good opinion of someone I respect if I give up something that “should” be satisfying, except that it isn’t, or drifting away from a group I loved once because my values have changed. All small Dramas of Being Nice vs. Being Real.
This really resonated for me! I like the way you put it, and I have not really thought about it like that.
Im also trying to be present more together as in your below post. It’s very infuriating to compete with a box……and loose. Xbox, TV, Comp., ect. I find it to be a constant seduction, to try and lure a man away from these. But so worth it, when you can connect for that 1.5 time. It has to be a priority.
Also, making an investment in an activity together really is so sweet and renewing, not to mention it’s what we work so hard for! Time to live our life…..together!
Corey,
No “form below” to sing up on!
Paul
On what page are you referring?
Maybe I’m stupid….but could you write something/ a post about the effect of pop culture in our marriages? I mean, for example, the Sandra Bullock debacle that just occurred. I don’t in anyway believe myself to be obsessed by celebrities. But how can a man throw a way a marriage to a PORN star while shes away filming an Oscar nominated movie? I know at the end of the day, we can only control what we do. So a non-cheating partner is never at “fault.” But where are society’s values when it comes to these things. Why is sacrifice and compromise such a difficult thing for this country? I’m in no way stereotyping. But I guess this week I’ve been a little disillusioned.
That’s a good idea Carolina- I’ll see what I can come up with.
Thanks for explaining the problem with being a nice guy/girl. I have to admit, in some previous posts on the topic I didn’t quite get where the problem was. But you’ve laid it out nice and clearly here: nice guys/girls sacrifice their separateness for the sake of togetherness. Well said. I finally went, “Ohhh . . . now I get it!” You are making me wiser with every post.
Hi Corey. We nominated your blog for the Sunshine award . Please come to our blog at http://www.emotionalaffaircare.org and get the award so you can display it here and let everyone know that your words bring sunshine and inspiration to others. Doug & Linda