Nice People Sex … Boring
Nice Guys are everywhere although they can sometimes be tough to spot because they’re chameleons. They blend into the group they’re around in order to fit in and be liked.
I know you’ve seen them (or you’re one of them).
Here’s how you can spot a Nice Guy. He’s standing among a group of “outdoors people” who are discussing their recent purchases for an upcoming backpacking trip. The Nice Guy often won’t just listen to the conversation, he’ll engage in the one-up type conversation. He feels that in order to be liked, he must contribute to the discussion and act as if he is an outdoors man as well – even though his idea of “roughing it” is a hotel without OJ on the room service menu.
At the core, Nice Guys fear they won’t be liked just as they are.
They must drive the right car, dress the right way, have the right job, etc. But this fear is not just limited to Nice Guys. Nice Girls suffer from this as well (actually, let’s lump them all together and call them Nice People).
Thus far our discussion has focused primarily on the Nice Guy. Let me be clear, growing up beyond the Nice Guy is the same thing as growing up into a full blown adult. Gender doesn’t matter, growth is the point.
In this post I want to discuss another aspect of the Nice People syndrome … sex.
If there is one area where being Nice shows up as a detriment in the long run, it’s your sex life.
Take everything we’ve discussed thus far about Nice Guys: their sacrifice of self, their constant seeking of approval, their avoidance of conflict, their indirectness, their Mr. Fix It tendencies, their trouble expressing themselves, their fear of emotions, their unwillingness to receive and their loss of masculinity – place it all in a big container, shake it up, then look inside and you’ll get a good idea of how Nice Guys do sex.
And if there’s one area where Nice Guys struggle most – it’s sex. He constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying, or he has a sexual dysfunction or he is sexually compulsive.
Nice Girls struggle with sex as well. She struggles with the way she views herself; often seeing herself as a sexual object rather than a sexual being. She is also unsure about her own sexuality and having her own desires and needs met. Nice Girls would rather please others than seek her own pleasure.
Sex with a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl will grow real boring real fast.
It’s easy to understand how this happens. When a Nice Guy discovers what works once, he will often try to repeat it every time in order to avoid disappointing his wife – plus he wants to think of himself as a good lover. Going on at the same time, the Nice Girl will feel obligated to “take care” of her husband because that’s what a wife is supposed to do, forgetting about her own desires and wishes.
Coupled with this is the fact that sex falls victim to routine as well. You and your spouse likely have 1 or 2 different routines or positions to choose from, and once the encounter starts you each are expected to follow the script (I’m not including vacation sex in this mix, although it may still follow a script, just more loosely). Even the way sex is initiated can become routine.
What happened to the adventure, passion, eroticism, and excitement?
It goes away because you’re Nice People!
Look at it this way, most Nice Guys are timid even bringing up the idea of sex. They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wife without bringing it up, or they go throughout their day trying not to upset their wife out of fear she won’t want to have sex later, or if they do bring it up it’s in the form of a question – You wanna have sex tonight? Are we having sex tonight, please?
Nice Girls struggle with their sexuality and desires because they grew up being taught “good girls” don’t do that kind of stuff, or if they’re sexual beings they’re sluts.
So if you have one or both people entering timidly, nervously, hesitantly into the world of sex, it’s no wonder that sex can be boring and routine. It’s sex according to the lowest common denominator.
Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all kinds of spiritual and emotional energy. And when Nice People enter into this world, they try to keep things at a tolerable level – hence the do what worked last time type of sex.
My question then is this: What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up?
I don’t know about you – but that’s what I’m on a journey to find out!
(photo source)
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.18 Responses to “Nice People Sex … Boring”
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[...] is a follow up to last week’s post on Nice People sex as well as a bonus Pre-Sex Week [...]
Very interesting point you made here Corey!
“Sex is powerful, chaotic, and wild. Full of all kinds of spiritual and emotional energy. And when Nice People enter into this world, they try to keep things at a tolerable level – hence the do what worked last time type of sex.”
I have never really considered the “nice” factor when it comes to sex, but the point you made her makes perfect sense, nice is the same as people pleasing…
And what’s ‘hot’ about people pleasing? It’s gratifying at first, but eventually that would get stagnant.
Thought provoking!
I am intrigued to hear the answer to:
“What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up?”
My question then is this: What would happen if two full grown, fully alive sexual beings hooked up?
I would hope we are talking about “hooking up” with in a marriage and not extra-marital (the tragedy of that continues to be played out) or even outside the safety of marriage where an individual does become just a sexual object. Perhaps that is assumed because it is “simple marriage” blog — but “hooking up” is normally just a fling or one night stand
Absolutely I’m talking about hooking up within a marriage. Hook ups outside of the marriage do nothing but destroy everything around it.
In my opinion, fully alive adults will only find fantastic, deep, meaningful sex in the marriage, not outside of it.
Hey Corey –
This whole series you are going thru is great. Thought provoking, and challenging. And yes, I have felt convicted several times.
Our pastor is going thru a series on marriage/relationships and the issue of Co-dependency came up this weekend… This may be more indepth than a comment can answer…but is co-dependency at play in “Nice guy/Gal” syndrome? It seems the things he mentioned (from Charles Whitfield) are similar to some things you are suggesting as well.
Co-dependency would be very similar to Nice Guy/Nice Girl Syndrome. At the core of all of these is the belief that you aren’t okay just as you are.
Nice guy/Nice girl sex like all other nice guy/girl things is boring because it is not true. It is not authentic. It involves a mask – to avoid the vulnerability of true intimacy. Authentic relationships and activities are scary and messy and you don’t look or do “good” all the time. But when someone knows you – all of you – and continues to love you, there’s nothing better.
Also great sex is about giving and receiving. It is about connection. When you try too hard – it’s about you. It’s about you feeling alright about yourself. So it is selfish, though it may appear at first glance to be the opposite.
I think the church, in general, tends to foster nice-guy sex by the way it either shuns sexual discussion altogether, relegates it to hushed whispers, or fails to differentiate between godly and ungodly sensuality and eroticism. This leaves men and especially women with the notion that sex is bad and hot sex is evil. Very sad.
Some are waking up to the notion that we need to reclaim healthy, godly sexuality, and I’m glad to see it. Fully grown, fully alive men and women give themselves permission pursue passion and sexual intimacy, to unleash thier desires and discover sexual fulfillment in each other. It’s about getting back to the garden, where we were once “naked without shame.”
The church has lagged behind in this issue a great deal, which is a shame. If there is ever one place that could shout about the greatness of sex and its design. What a great ministry that would be!
Great points. Reminds me of this article: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml
Dude! Corey, you are on a roll! This is another great post that needs to be read by a lot of people.
A friend of mine recently talked about the difference between needing and wanting. He said that the less he needs his marriage and the more he wants his marriage the better things go. The Nice People are needy people who try to take everything they can from their spouse. But Healthy Adults want to be married and want their spouse so they seek to fulfill their spouse with no strings attached.
Needy sex is terrible. But wanting and being wanted in the bedroom is fantastic.
Ah the greatness of wanting and being wanted. Such a great way to do marriage and life!
“He constantly complains he’s not getting enough, or it’s unsatisfying…”
Spot on, Corey! These guys can’t ask for what they want, because of their fear of being selfish – and/or feeling they can’t give her what she should have unless they are holding back. It’s part of the “men are brutes” thinking that seems increasingly common.
Thing is, his sexual urges and desires don’t just lie down and go away, so he ends up stuck between to strong motivations, with no way to express both.
For years my bride told me how much she likes me “being myself” when I didn’t hold back. After a while, I started to believe her, and then to actually see it; the more free I was, the more I was who I am, the more I expresses what I wanted and enjoyed, the more she enjoyed sex.
Great post. I can relate and am glad to have moved past the good girl I used to be. Now I’m a better girl! ;o)
Laurie I love your comment: glad to have moved past the good girl I used to be. Now I’m a better girl! ;o)
You hit the nail on the head with that one!
It is quite common in relationship for one person to more aggeresive while the other is more grounded. There is a saying opposite attracts which could mean that a sexual person could be attracted someone less wild and free as they are. Furthermore, I believe nice people are willingly to prove in sex department if you just tell them. Nice people may be little to eager to please but always ready to listen. There are not psychic and if not told probably would know if they had a problem or not. The last thing that I would like to say is that people shouldn’t suspect sex to be like a porn flick. A lot of the time nice people don’t want to play games, which makes sex initmate and real. For nice people it is about feel close to a person and not fullfilling a sexual fantasy, because they don’t want to degrade their spouse in the process. However, if you are feeling dissatisfied then nice people are always their to listen.
Hello,
interesting thought. I always thought of myself as a nice guy and I hope it is not the same “nice” as mentioned in the post. I think I don’t complain very much about my sex life and I am generally happy, but don’t we all like to be liked? Still you have to be true to yourself and not just pretend to be someone else just to be accepted.
Thanks for the good blog! Regards, Stefan
I think you do have a good point. However, I want to add some complexity to this from my own experience. I have had boring sex with great guys and grew tired of them. I have also had great sex with bad boys and they have their own set of issues. Now I’m with a good, and yes nice, guy. I want to stay with him because I like the way he treats me with respect and courtesy. At the same time, I want the sex to be good and as you say, he is timid. Any suggestions?