It happens.
Those carefully cultivated relationships with your lover’s children seem to disappear in a showdown of wills. You might even forget why you ever liked them in the first place – that line about sticks and stones, we know, is for people without a heart.
Whether they’re 3 years old or 16, the mean words damage. When kids get angry, the last thing on their mind is searching for the ideal way to share feelings. More often, things come out wrong and you end up hurt, angry and wondering, “What have I signed up for!?”
Be assured: you are not alone.
Parents of all shapes and sizes feel these things. We say the wrong things, too. Since the heat of the moment doesn’t lend inspiration, here are some positive responses to the meanest things step-kids throw atcha. (MUCH LOVE to our family counselor, James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, who helps my family is so many ways … including the responses in this article.)
“You’re not my real mom/dad.”
What they’re really saying: “I am upset with you for some reason.” When kids are upset with stepparents, this is a keen way to manipulate the situation. (It hurts!) It might even be a statement that begs: “Please try to understand me.”
Best way to respond: “While I understand I am not your real mom/dad, I still care about you. I need some help understanding how you feel.” Now you can explore the true feelings and thoughts behind the words before you say something you’ll regret later. (Trust me – been there.) By responding in a tactful way, both you and your child avoid being manipulated by the hurtful statement.
“I wish I lived with my mom/dad.” (When you have primary placement or custody.)
What they’re really saying: A multitude of things. Sometimes they are honestly missing the other parent – usually the one they see the least. The research on divorce-related placement proves the healthiest arrangement is one where the child sees both parents as equally as possible. This statement could also mean something deeper – a message about things they feel you are not understanding related to placement/custody. Careful: this has potential to be manipulative and designed to hurt you because they do not like something you said or asked them to do.
Best way to respond: Again, explore. Sit down, distraction free, and focus on the child. Get real about their perception, feelings and thoughts.
“My mom/dad says you’re judgmental … mean … insert negative adjective of choice.”
What they’re really saying: Depending on the stability and mental health of the birth parent, the reality is – they probably said it. Figure out if it was designed by the child to hurt you, or just something being innocently repeated.
Best way to respond: If innocently repeated, don’t take offense and move forward in the normal flow of the conversation. If it was designed to be hurtful, then again, explore the true feelings and thoughts behind it, while not necessarily giving too much energy or focus to the statement itself.
“I hate you!”
What they’re really saying: Children seldom – if ever – mean this. In some ways, it can be a testimony that you are doing a good job and actually parenting your child. It’s simply a childish reply when you make a request they don’t like or enforce the rules. It becomes more serious when said with neither of these two things being the case.
Best way to respond: “I still love you no matter how you feel right now.” Don’t focus on the actual words – but explore why they said it. Figure out if the statement was designed to be manipulative or to communicate deeper emotional meaning to you.
Best intentions still gone bad?
Hang in there. We all have those hair-raising days when the nice things we meant to say never show up. My advice: Sleep on it. Put some space between the hurtful situation and come together later with a clear head. At the end of the day, this is your family, whether it’s made up of step-kids, birth children or a mix.
Here is where you’ll uncover the best and the worst. Here is where there is anger and forgiveness.
Here is where you love.
Melissa, I love this article. I am a step child and have the best step parents in the world. Now that I’m an adult step child, I have a suggestion for a great way to say “I’m sorry, I love you, I know you didn’t mean what you said”. It’s a hart felt greeting card. Everyone love getting a card in the mail. Most of the time this is not really practical, but through this wonderful Internet greeting card service it is possible to Sent Out Cards (real postal mailed cards) and it’s as simple as an email. I would suggest that your readers check it out by sending some FREE cards. You can try it out here http://www.BestGreetingCardService.com just click on (send free card) and follow the directions. The address needed is for the return address on the envelope. Send someone you care about a hart felt card today! They will love you for it.
This is a wonderful article! As a parent and also a step-parent to an 8 1/2 yr old, I have encountered some of these situations. I’ve found that the child isn’t usually intentionally trying to hurt you, but they are just having a hard time expressing their feelings.
Hi Jessi – Thanks for stopping by and for your support. I know first-hand you are a great mom in every way! xoxo Melissa
This is a really great article. Step-families are tough, especially if there is any leftover stuff from the marriage (and there usually is). Check out http://www.marriedwithbaggage.com for understanding why “blended families” is a misnomer. It’s really hard to get the lumps out.
Hi Lesli – Haha, that’s a good point – blended families certainly aren’t “smooth.”
Thanks for the link! Looks like a wealth of information my family can use.
Great! I remember thinking some of these things every time my dad remarried.
How about an article like this for parents? I’m a married “single parent” (hubby travels 90% of the time for work) and have to deal with teen and tween age girls who think I am the most embarrassing, most ridiculous, meanest mother on the face of the planet. It’s a tough job right now and tougher still alone.
Hi Rita – Sorry to hear things are tough right now. I think Tirzah’s comment says it all – you’re doing a good job when teenagers don’t like you.
Wishing you peace!
I’ve heard all these and more during my ten years as a stepmom to five.
Realizing how often kids say these things (and more) to their biological parents gave me a pretty decent sense of humor about the whole thing, enough so I wasn’t thrown off balance and could retort, “I know I’m not your mom. You still need your hair brushed,” or “I’m not mean, I’m EVIL!”
You know you’re doing a good job when your kids – step or otherwise – think you’re the meanest person ever from time to time. It’s a compliment. Really.
It never feels like a compliment … but maybe I’ll change my perspective a bit and see how it tempers the situation. Thanks for the tip!