The other day while thinking over my seasonal to do list, I kept referring to each line item as “I should do this” or “I should do that.” It occurred to me that all the items on my list were things I put there for some reason, but were they really that important. If I could not get to them, would the world crumble around me? Unlikely. Would I loose friends or a job? Probably not. Then I started examining what it would take to complete each item so I could check them off the list. That’s where the “shoulds” crept in. I had this external expectation upon me as to how I must go about completing the things on my list. As if there was a certain manner in which everything must be done.
So where does this curse of “shoulding” come from? If you think about it, living under “shoulds” removes you from being the author of your life. You live according to someone else’s script. Someone else’s expectations. Now before you tell me I shouldn’t be saying this, let me state that in order to live in community with others, there is a degree of this type of living that will be necessary. But I propose that people are “shoulding” far too often. What a mess!
Most of our “shoulds” come from our family of origin. There are certain ways things are to be done. Ways to treat others, ways to clean a house, ways to drive to work, ways to do marriage, etc. While each of these ways may be fine in and of themselves, do you want to do things that way? Stretch yourself to look at things differently. Look at the shoulds in your life. Where do your “shoulds” come from? Do you want to continue living according to someone else’s script?
Often our “shoulds” turn into habits. So this holiday season, pick one habit or should and replace it with something else of your choosing. This can start as simply as driving a different way to work or it can be as big as doing something completely different on Christmas day. Next time you find yourself saying “I should do this” or “I should do that;” according to whom? Live by your own script. Be the author of your own story. Make this holiday season what you want it to be! May your holidays be blessed with all you desire.
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I wish someone had told me this stuff a long,long time ago. I might be my own person a bit more (a lot more). I was a very good daughter. I did what I was told, a least on the outside. I was told I should get good grades so I did, I was told to go to college, so I did. I was even told to make my confession of faith and be baptized, so I did. I did all the things a good girl should do.
When I was in college I wanted to date this guy who was 10 years older, more worldly (been in the army), had long hair in a pony tail, and was awesome to talk to. He made me feel more grown up. My mom said no. So I did was I was told. Funny thing, when this guy graduated first in our class with a 4.0 in chemistry, my mom wondered what ever happened to him. URGH!
As you can imagine, I have been groomed to do what I should. I think the trick is getting past the guilt of making another choice. Realizing the world won’t fall apart is a big part of it. Sometimes we have to just decide it’s OK to not carry on the way its always been done. And when we do decide to do something different, how many times do we either flat out lie about why we’ve made another choice or give an excuse as to why this change is acceptable? How many times is the fallout from making the change greater than the benefit of the change?
We are doing something different tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Usually, both my family and my husband’s parents come to our house for the feast. This year hubby ad I are going elsewhere to have dinner with friends. My mother-in-law is making comments about wondering if she will be invited for Christmas (fallout). I’m excited about the change in our plans. It’ll be fun.
For Christmas, I am not going to spend all that time putting up all the decorations. If my 15 year old son wants to do it, I might help him, but I’m done with doing the solo decorator act.
I think doing things only because we should can mess you up. It forces you into being false, not being true to yourself. Isn’t there a teaching in the Bible that talks about doing things just because you should, for how it looks, when your heart isn’t there?
I think I have done too much to please others.(Don’t choke on a turkey bone) I have been imprisoned by the shoulds of my life to the point where I don’t know what I want in my life. I don’t know what is me. It’s hard. I feel wasted.
Any pointers on the dart throwing mother-in-law? Ignore her, say something (what?), hang her in effigy (I’m leaning toward this one)?
Every year since my mom died, I have hosted Thanksgiving mostly because my house was a place my in-laws would come. So this year when we decided to leave town, I was so excited. It was an emancipation of a sort for me. I saw it as breaking free of the chains the in-laws keep throwing around us. Unfortunately our plans were flushed down the toilet as I spent all Wednesday night praying to the porcelain god. On Thanksgiving, all of us in my house were sick. So I feel like it didn’t count that we weren’t going to do what we “should” and live by our own script. I feel like the in-laws will erase the mark off of our tally sheet and not see that we were choosing to do something else. I know that shouldn’t matter, but I wanted to take a stand. Oh well. Better luck next time.
I’ve been thinking about the should thing. How often are the regrets in our lives molded around all the shoulds we live out to keep others happy or off our backs? You never hear anyone say, “Boy, I lived my life just like I wanted, I followed my passion and man, how I regret it!” No, you always hear, “I always wanted to pursue that but things just got in my way.” Sad. I think that is most of us. I think so often, our parents try to mold us and so that’s what they do, they mold us. Mostly into something we weren’t meant to be.
Take me for instance. Except for the dance background, my parents molded me into thinking I needed to be more left brain. So I went the biology route in college. Don’t get me wrong, I love biology but I tend to look at it from a right brain perspective. I don’t get so caught up in the analytical part of it but more the beauty of it, the relationships, the art. Now I struggle with finding the most fulfilling creative outlet for me. I keep trying things thinking they’ll “do it” for me but something is missing. I love doing all the right brained stuff I’m doing, but I am missing something somewhere. I wonder if I had followed my heart while it was calling louder I might be more directed now.
You said above: “So where does this curse of “shoulding†come from? If you think about it, living under “shoulds†removes you from being the author of your life.”
I liked how you called it a curse. I think you are right. The shoulds of life are so ingrained sometimes that it is difficult to shake, especially if doing what you should, keeps peace or is the way an important person in your life feels loved. Even though that is about their insecurity, it makes it difficult to stand true to yourself. Others see you as selfish, (I know, we all are selfish).
As far as shoulds removing a person from being the author of his life. I think a lot of people want that. They are not sure of themselves and want “others” to tell them what to do, or “others” want to impose on them and they’re not at a place to combat that. So living in the shoulds gives them a road map for their life because they have not developed any direction on their own. Not good but it happens.
So there are my thoughts on the shoulds of life. I know you are truly enlightened for knowing them (that was sarcasm). I wish I had learned this earlier in life. I wish I had been more rebellious. But today’s a brand new day and I’m drinking a chocolate milkshake so it can’t be all that bad.
So your house had the toilet festivities as well over Thanksgiving? So did mine. We were even walking out to the truck to leave for Kansas; the truck was running and fully loaded. While walking out, my son decided to share his breakfast all over us both.
It actually turned out to be an ok holiday, although still recovering a bit. No chocolate milkshakes, but good none the less.
He he he. I actually lost weight. Now I can get into some pants that were too tight. If I can just keep that trend going, I’ll be better off. I don’t know what it was but even our dogs threw up. MAN! Hope you all are better.