Persistent Illusion’s Take On A Simple Marriage
Around the time this little project started, I came across Hayden’s blog, Persistent Illusion. At the time, this was the only other marriage-type blog I had found (no offense to the others out there). Now after following her for the past several months, it’s safe to say that I am a fan.
Today I am pleased to add Hayden and her husband Chris to our interview series. Hope you enjoy and then go check out her work. She publishes a lot of good material.
Q: Brief Bio Data:
Chris and Hayden Tompkins, of PersistentIllusion, have been married for 4 years, with no kids. Chris is a lead web developer/programmer while Hayden is a legal administrative assistant.
Q: How have we simplified marriage effectively?
Hayden: By being clear and putting all of our cards on the table upfront. I was very clear about what I wanted and expected from guys that I date and I told him that I wouldn’t take it personally if he wasn’t interested. I could tell he was definitely surprised by my forthrightness, but I think he also found it extremely amusing. Later in our marriage, he told me that he loved knowing exactly what he was getting.
Chris: By having the honeymoon going on permanently. Maintaining that energy and level of expression gives a marriage…so much more appeal. When you tell someone you are on your honeymoon, people are happy for you. They immediately experience a sense of joy on your behalf. It’s a totally different energy than when you tell others you have been married for 15 years. Creating a marriage that maintains that mindset continually is the ‘simplest’ way to create an amazing marriage.
Hayden: … Uh. Can I change my answer? What Chris said!
Q: How do you find harmony in marriage, work, blogging, fun?
Hayden: Independence and date nights. Between Chris’s different projects (dedicated website development, second job, contracted website design, prime number theory, and school) I spend quite a lot of time on my own. It’s important that I be able to ‘entertain myself’ and not be dependent on Chris being around all the time. It is also equally important that we have dedicated time together, hence the date nights.
Chris: By not having them as completely separate entities. When Hayden blogs, it involves our relationship. At the end of the day, we share what is going on at our respective jobs with each other. By incorporating little bits of our lives with each other bit, we incorporate the things that we do enjoy. Balance is important so you don’t get burnt out or overloaded.
Q: What can other couples learn from your marriage?
Hayden: Be excellent to each other. You can never underestimate the importance of simple common courtesy in a marriage. Civility is the fundamental expression of your respect for your partner. Lack of common courtesy is the ‘canary in the coalmine’ for a relationship.
Chris: Treat it like a company. Manage resources, like time and finances and availability of personnel. Couples who are able to incorporate that have a lot more potential for success.
Q: What are your marriage dreams?
Hayden: To stay in the honeymoon state forever…and always have awesome sex. I mean fun. To always have lots of fun.
Chris: Me not having to sacrifice any of my hopes and dreams, to realize them while having someone discover them with me. Being able to accomplish dreams and interests I have while having 100% support from my Beloved.
Q: Any other thing Simple Marriage readers would benefit from knowing?
Hayden: Don’t take your marriage too seriously. At the end of the day, you can’t take it with you. Marriage isn’t about making things ‘equal’ or changing your partner, and you won’t get points for ‘winning’. All you can really do is experience the truth, the essence of your Beloved. Don’t let the day-to-day frustrations of your life interfere with the joy of your journey together.
Chris: Just remember, there is no spoon.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.7 Responses to “Persistent Illusion’s Take On A Simple Marriage”
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[...] 4, 2008 in Love, Marriage | Tags: interview, spouse | Chris and I recently sat down for an interview with Corey of the [...]
Thanks fro sharing your thoughts on marriage. You two sound like a fun couple. I wonder if your answers will change any after being married for 20 or so years. I think mine probably have. But you two sound like you are starting out in a much better place than I did with knowing what you are about and what you want in a relationship.
Hayden, I enjoy your blog. For all you simple marriage geeks out there who may not have visited her sight, it is worth your read.
See ya on your blog!
PS, doesn’t simple marriage rock?! :O)
After more than thirty-four years of marriage (to the same woman) lol, I would like to congratulate these “newly weds” on a great start and attitude.
One thing I would encourage is to plan for challenges. Determine how you are going to handle x, y, z before it happens. That way you don’t have to think or react, you already know what to do.
Like if (scratch that, I mean when) someone flirts or hits on you. What will you say? How will you handle it? If a divorced or single member of the opposite sex starts “confiding” in you about their failing marriage or love life… what will you do?
Just be prepared to guard your hearts.
By having the honeymoon going on permanently. Maintaining that energy and level of expression gives a marriage…so much more appeal. When you tell someone you are on your honeymoon, people are happy for you. They immediately experience a sense of joy on your behalf. It’s a totally different energy than when you tell others you have been married for 15 years. Creating a marriage that maintains that mindset continually is the ’simplest’ way to create an amazing marriage.
Laurie, thank you so much for your kind words. 20 years of marriage, from this end seems like so far away – yet I know it will seem like it just flew by when we are on the other side of it all.
Mssc54, it’s funny. Chris and I knew we were getting married after having dated for 2 months. Well, I think he knew a little sooner than that. But his mom knew after meeting me for the first time. Life’s funny that way.
Corey, thank you for including me on this spectacular series!
I really loved your answers. You guys are really cute
I KNEW Hayden was brilliant, I can see how see ended up w/ Chris. A match made in heaven. A+