Please Pass the Manners

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The three children vied for their mother’s attention and sipped from plastic juice bottles as their mom and grandmother unloaded the cart in the Target checkout line ahead of me. Of course, it was just a matter of time until the inevitable happened and someone’s juice hit the floor. No biggie, I thought. I’m a parent. I know how Mom and Grandma feel. Been there, cleaned that up.

But when the youthful-looking grandmother surveyed the mess, she simply said “pick up your bottle” to the preschooler — and continued on as if there was nothing wrong with leaving a puddle of juice for the rest of us to trudge through. When the little boy started skating through the juice, spreading it further with each glide of his tennis shoes, I thought surely Grandma would realize this was not just a sticky mess but a potential hazard for the shoppers in line behind her.

Watching the boy, Grandma continued putting items on the conveyor belt. Okay, now I was getting cranky.

Thinking I might demonstrate a more-appropriate response, I leaned close to Grandma and said to the check-out clerk, “Excuse me. Do you have a paper towel? There’s juice on the floor, and I’m afraid someone might slip.”

“Sorry, I don’t have anything,” she replied. Okay then. It was clearly time to go straight to the source. I’d simply embarrass the woman into cleaning up the mess. “Ma’am, do you have any wet wipes in your purse; anything like that so we can clean up this juice?” I asked Grandma.

She rooted around in her purse and came up with… a man’s white athletic sock. “OK, that’s a bit odd, but I guess she could use it,” I thought to myself — right before she handed the sock to me.

“Here you go!” she said brightly. “It’s clean.”

I was too stunned to reply. With visions of an unsuspecting elderly shopper breaking a hip at checkstand 9, I knelt down and mopped up the juice with the sock while the woman watched.

By then I was more than a bit cranky, not to mention a bit overdue to receive an embarrassed “Why, thank you!” at least, if Grandma and Grandson weren’t going to do the job themselves.

She said nothing. Not a peep. “You know, you could thank me for wiping up your grandson’s juice,” I finally blurted out, looking her in the eye and holding up the juice-filled sock.

“Oh, just drop that anywhere,” she said, pointing toward the sock. “That’s disgusting.” And with that, the five of them were on their way, leaving me to find a trash can for the drippy sock.

Yes, it certainly was disgusting. But unfortunately, it’s becoming less and less surprising. Life’s little niceties, like holding the door open for the person behind us, saying please and thank you and even just having basic respect for those we encounter every day, seem to be disappearing faster than we can say “It’s all about me.”

Grocery clerks will be the first to tell you how much common courtesy has vanished. Ask them how it feels to ring up $100 worth of groceries for a shopper who continues a cell-phone conversation, hands over a grocery-store club card, runs the debit card through the machine and then leaves without ever making eye contact, much less saying “thanks.”

It’s easy to encounter the “it’s all about me” folks on the road, too. As our once-wide-enough residential streets become virtual one-way passages, narrowed by parked SUVs on both sides, there’s often room for only one vehicle at a time to go by. When I pull my car to the side of the road to let someone else pass, is it too much to ask for a friendly “thank you” wave or a smile? When someone responds with that simple gesture, it brightens the rest of my day. I’m guessing it perks up their day, too. But if it happens one time out of eight, it’s a good day. Most folks just drive on by as if to say “Of course, you should pull over for me.”

Not long ago, our local parks-and-rec department offered an “Etiquette and Social Skills” class for kids ages 7 to 12. Parents ponied up 70 bucks per kid for two 3-hour classes so that someone else would teach their children why manners are important, how to behave in a restaurant and how to be polite.

The trouble is, such a class may teach a kid the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork, but it can’t create a thoughtful child. It can’t instill basic kindness or the desire to consider others’ feelings. That’s a parent’s job, and it takes years. And you can be sure our children are checking out our moves, noting how we behave.

At first I was incredulous that the mother of that preschooler, who continued to unloaded her cart and watch while the “juice incident” took place, didn’t step in to show her young son the right thing to do. But then I realized the sad truth: Her mother had never taught her the importance of common courtesy. And now Grandma and Mom were passing on that same lack of concern for others to a third generation.

Our children want so much to be like us. So they watch closely how we treat cashiers and waiters and crossing guards and fellow shoppers and fellow drivers and all the other people whose paths we cross each day. They also see whom and what we ignore — the people and things that don’t make a blip on our radar screen as we go about our business.

It doesn’t take a fancy etiquette class to teach our kids how to treat others with kindness. Sometimes all it takes is the willingness to clean up a little spilled juice.

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7 Comments

  1. Corey, I’m honored to have a guest post on your wonderful blog. Thanks for the invitation!

    Kathy Sena
    Parent Talk Today

    May 29, 2008 at 7:40 pm | Permalink
  2. LaurieNo Gravatar

    This sounds like a great intro for your idea to do an act of service for someone everyday challenge.

    I always made it a point for my kids to see me give back the extra money when checkers gave me too much or make sure they got the price right etc. I think many kids get to see their parents cheat and lie besides not being considerate of others. I’ve alway heard that values erode over time. I think maybe they’re right. How does the common folk turn that around?

    May 29, 2008 at 8:28 pm | Permalink
  3. I am always amazed at the lack of consideration or the sense of entitlement people seem to have developed. I suspect people are so wrapped up in their own lives and being “busy” that the fine art of good manners and kindness is being lost and not being taught to a whole generation of children. Don’t even get me started on cell phone etiquette!!!:)

    May 30, 2008 at 9:49 am | Permalink
  4. Laurie and Connie, thanks for your comments. I love the “act of service every day” idea, Laurie.

    And Connie, I hear you on the cell-phone-etiquette thing! The personal stuff I have heard from fellow shoppers at Target lately (about their divorce and their husband’s cheating, their feminine-hygiene problems, how they hate their kid’s teacher, etc.) simply amazes me. Don’t they realize that other people can HEAR THEM?

    Kathy

    May 30, 2008 at 11:15 am | Permalink
  5. CoreyNo Gravatar

    To add to the cell phone etiquette discussion. While at Panera (where I write most days) a lady sitting in the corner actually called someone to get a background check run on another person, presumably a client or something. Anyway, she proceeded to give out the person’s SS#, address, phone number, full name, and few other details. Were I so inclined, I could have taken a vacation as another person this summer. Unbelievable!

    May 30, 2008 at 2:33 pm | Permalink
  6. LaurieNo Gravatar

    As a teacher, we have to be so careful. We will discuss students during lunch. While having time to problem solve together is a rare thing, we have to be careful that parents are not around to overhear our conversations. Our classroom also don’t have doors so to discuss students in there, can easily be overheard by other students if we are not careful.

    I have to watch myself on the cell phone as I tend to tune others out and forget I have an audience. I even need to do that at home with big eared teenage boys in the house. I usually go out in my back yard and sit on my porch swing to have those more private conversations. But then, I also need to make sure the neighbor isn’t outside.

    May 31, 2008 at 9:25 am | Permalink
  7. I am an etiquette consultant for children in Massachusetts and have programs at Park & Rec Dep’ts. I see my job, largely, as teaching young people skills that help develop the “gems” inside of them: qualities such as generosity, patience, consideration, etc. I think that practicing respectful manners highlights these qualities to make us shine and those around us happy. I like to highlighte the common sense aspects of specific manners and believe fact that treating people with respect and consideration is a way of letting them know they are important/we care. So, for me, there is a lot more to manners than mechanics. But, as you stated, one class is just the beginning. Parental will to nurture the best in their children is critical.

    June 26, 2008 at 8:20 am | Permalink

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My name is Corey Allan. It's nice to meet you. I began blogging during the summer of 2007 with the belief that it's possible to get more out of marriage and life. Blogging seemed like a great way to share ideas and find others who want more as well. With your help, our little project can change the world.

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