Last week’s post, It’s Just Window Shopping, Right?, appeared to stir up some great conversations. I followed along with every new comment, and loved reading the back a forth that took place between several readers.
The discussion was respectful, and helpful.
But I do want to clear up a couple of things that were mentioned as well as expand on the idea a bit.
First, is the broad brush picture I painted of males in the post. Let’s face it, when you write something that targets a specific issue or topic that impacts marriage, you generally have to live with a few stereotypes. But I don’t think my picture of men being hard wired creatures who are visual in nature is inaccurate. The male brain is triggered by visual stimuli. Women simply aren’t wired the same.
And second, I’m also not going to back away from the idea that as a married man, 100% of your sexual energy should be focused within your marriage (more on this in a bit).
When a man goes beyond just noticing an attractive woman (other than his wife) his brain can take that mental picture and run all over the place with it. And many of the places it runs aren’t all that healthy for marriage.
We live in a society that is raising up a generation of men who receive a bulk of, if not all, their sex education from porn.
Porn is a multi-billion dollar a year industry built around one thing, and it’s not sex – it’s masturbation. Porn targets men by portraying sexually aggressive women, which, while there are women who are aggressive when it comes to sex (and I’m sure a few of you will speak up in the comments about this post), most women simply aren’t aggressive.
You’re not wired that way.
Women are wired to be receptive (okay, comment away on this statement).
I’ve written on this before, but its worth noting again: Sex is a metaphor. The way you do sex says a lot about the way you live life, and the way you live life says a lot about the way you do sex (but that’s a whole other post in and of itself).
So is it wrong when a man notices another woman around him? Not at all.
The issue I have is the prolonged stare, the looking her up and down, the not even noticing that she has eyes but if asked could describe in detail her breasts or legs.
Many people have a pretty loose definition of fidelity. Many people believe that being faithful to your partner means you don’t do anything with another woman that you wouldn’t do with your sister. It means not doing anything that you wouldn’t do if your partner were standing next to you, watching.
Fidelity is not the opposite of infidelity. It isn’t what you don’t do, what you don’t get caught doing, or what you wish you could do but don’t.
Fidelity is showing up, with all of your self, for your wife (or husband).
Keeping all your sexual energy in your marriage is one of the most powerful ways to deepen your wife’s trust.
Keep this in mind: for a majority of women, trust=lust.
The more she trusts that she has all of your sexual attention, the more she can let go and let you take her. On the other side of this, you mess with a woman’s sense of trust, you mess up her lust.
For me this means it’s my job to set the tone for my marriage.
And I believe that the standards for marriage are often set too low. Simply staying together and not getting divorced isn’t enough. Simply tolerating one another doesn’t cut it.
I want a marriage fully alive.
As a man who is married to a great woman, I am responsible for myself, and then my relationship. To live with integrity and honor. To live from my strengths and my core. To be passionate and alive.
In other words – to create a great cake of life, with my marriage being the icing.
(photo source)
Again, I think you are making way too much of this subject. From my comment on your linked article… (Men and women) Look, don’t touch and don’t be a pig. Anything more written on the subject is just folks pontificating and/or posturing. :-/
I like this idea, but it has its limits. For example, can it address the thought, “I want a marriage fully alive”? When we reach that level, a deeper exchange is required. Still, I dig your straight-forward approach!
Keep this in mind: for a majority of women, trust=lust.
The more she trusts that she has all of your sexual attention, the more she can let go and let you take her.
I don’t buy this, not for one minute, at least with many women. Your wife may trust you with all of her heart, but that doesn’t equate to more or better sex, there are just too many other variables with women.
Of course there are many other variables involved. But, if when you are with your wife, you focus on being 100% present and 100% of your energy towards her, it will equate to better sex.
John has a good point. There are many other variables with women. The most common of which in my experience is her finding balance with all the other roles she plays and quieting all the thoughts in her head. Sex for her, I believe starts in her mind and if that is elsewhere you’re not going to get very far. In order for it to work she needs to be 100% present too.
Which brings me to my complete agreement with Corey. It all starts with trust. If her trust in you is a given that’s one less thing on her mind. The best way to get her 100% presence is to give her yours. As Gandhi said, be the change you want to see…
Thanks Corey.
As a woman, I can say that it does. When I know my husband is completely and totally “craving” me and my body, it helps me to be more… sexually confident, I’ll just say. However, If I catch him looking at another woman, then I wonder if he’s not satisfied with me somehow. I’m more self conscious about my body and myself. There have been times I hardly even let him see me naked. I completely agree that trust=lust. Yes there’s more factors. But it is part of it.
I am agreeing with Keaven
I totally agree.
I agree as well.
Seriously, as an example, if my husband was sitting looking at porn before bed, and then wanted to come to bed and have sex? Sorry, I don’t think so.
Corey – I agreed with you on the window shopping post and I agree with you here. It’s a tough concept for most to wrap their heads around but you are raising some excellent points. One being “Fidelity is showing up, with all of your self, for your wife (or husband).” So true. My husband and I are reading Every Man’s Battle which discusses this topic in great detail. We’ve discussed how men are hard-wired and how some of these ‘natural reactions’ to the opposite sex can effect a marriage (and the marriage bed). I think that it’s easy to dismiss these points as ‘generalizations’ because then you don’t have to look inwardly or think about how your actions may be effecting your spouse and others. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it does require some work, time, effort and a little change
. And to me, it’s all worth it. Keep up the great writing Corey. Love the blog!
Great point.
I understand that there are ‘natural reactions’ with the opposite sex, but we’ve also evolved over thousands of years. We have brains now. And any man who uses the ‘it’s natural’ line as an excuse for not being able to control himself doesn’t have a brain.
Yeah.. Porn is only for Pornography lovers. It’s a business. Like all business, it’s not for everyone. It may be for singles, sex abusers, perverts, such like that. It’s not for married couples. As a married man, I assume porns are liar. Almost all married women are not simply aggressive regarding sex. They just want to be passionate and trusted. (pardon me for my bad English usage) I really like your writings, Thanks a lot!
Corey:
I can be 100% focused on my wife and her needs, devoting 100% of my energy towards her, and still she may have 100 other distractions going on in her mind, many of which I can do nothing to change or alleviate. Many women (my wife included) have body image issues … no matter how many times I tell my wife that she is good looking or demonstrate desires for her, well, sometimes it just doesn’t overcome her personal body issues. Women are stressed these days, too, pulled in all different directions, and simply ‘doing the dishes all day’ or ‘taking the kids out of the house for a few hours’ just simply doesn’t equate to more sex…even creative things (an impromptu date night or something special that I plan on my own for just us two) most times doesn’t work.
I try not to dwell on the sexual component of my marriage, but I am not naive enough to believe that I am totally in control of my own sexual destiny in my marriage…women have too much else going on ‘up there’ sometimes, thoughts that simply can’t be overcome as simply as doing chores or gaining trust.
john, I commented before but I want to again… I’m not always raring to go. But me and my husband would definitely have more sex if he took the initiative more. And that is actually true of many of my friends also. We do talk about it. Alot. Most of my girl friends are even a bit disappointed by how rarely they have sex. Maybe it’s just me and my friends. I dunno. I’m just saying, Do a few chores for me, show me you’re turned on by me… And I’m putty.
I couldn’t agree with Keaven more.
Also, if men weren’t so fixated (in general) on women that aren’t real (actresses, porn, whatever) maybe we wouldn’t have so many issues about trying to live up to women who aren’t real.
Again, it is more one of those frustration things with me…it’s not a central problem. I share more than equally in the household chores…I do most if not all of the cooking (I like cooking and have a talent for it, my wife, self-admittedly will tell you that she struggles with boxed mac and cheese), etc. Our kids are all teens or young adults (21, 17 and 13), so child rearing is not exactly an issue as much now, but when it was an issue I was there changing diapers and shuttling kids to events as much as anyone.
There are only so many times during the day when you can siddle up next to someone and hug them and kiss them, only to be told that they are too busy or too stressed or not feeling good or they feel not attractive or whatever the issue of the day is. These are all comments you almost NEVER hear out of most men’s mouths when it comes to the promise of sex….
My point is that a woman’s desire for sex is many times much less about the man ‘doing anything’ to allow his wife to ‘be in the mood’, but rather the frequency of sex is often hormonal or an issue upstairs with the wife well beyond the control or ability to change by the husband.
I’m in great physical shape, I’m a 42 year old with a 25 year old’s body, so that’s not an issue. When we do make love it is great beyond compare (both of us say that), but my wife just is rarely ‘in the mood’ and is often too tired stressed or preoccupied with things I cannot control, change or bring her to ease with.
It’s just the facts in my case at least, there is little I am able to do anymore to change the situation.
You should really consider picking up and reading Leman’s “Sheet Music.” One of the most important points that stuck with me after having read it was that much of sex that takes place for a woman happens outside the bedroom. It’s sort of an unfolding foreplay when the husband takes out his wife to dinner, cooks and cleans dishes, plays with their children, etc. And that constant work that you put in the marriage will inevitably result in more trust and more sexual fulfillment for the both of you. It’s a great guide for men who are just trying to “figure us out.”
I agree. Even if you don’t get out to dinner, cuddling on the couch can go a long way.
John B
You could be a Hollywood hunk, who does ALL of the house work and earns millions. However, if the energy of your relationship is off in some way in the present moment then your wife will not be interested in having sex with you.
Men tend to think of their sex life from a big picture point of view. They view it as a trend over time. This is why men keep track of how often they have sex or how long it has been since the last time. If the trend is good then they feel good about their sex life.
Women are much more focused on the present moment. When you approach your wife for sex she is not going to base her decision on how long it has been since the the last time. Instead she is going to base her decision on how she is feeling about the relationship in the present moment. Does she feel loved and connected to you right here, right now.
If sex has been an issue between the two of you then you will run up against the following problem. She was in a great mood and you approached her for sex. Your approach reminded her that the two of you are having issues with sex, which changed her mood. It is a bit of a Catch-22. You need her to be in the right mood to want sex, but thinking about sex puts her in the wrong mood.
There is really only one way to get past this issue. Your wife has to change her feelings on the subject of sex. Sex therapists often council women to “just do it”. They are essentially asking women to ignore their natural tendency to say no when the relationship does not feel right and go forward with the faith that getting their sex life back on track will help get the relationship back on track and thus it will become easier and easier to say yes as time goes by.
Men are not just free passengers in this process. They also have an obligation to try and make it easier for their wives to do this. They need to remove the pressure that caused the problem in the first place.
So yes, there are many issues beyond your control that affect your wife’s attitude toward sex. However, you are not beyond hope. Inside every woman is a nymphomaniac that wants to get out.
You wrote “Women simply aren’t wired the same.” when referring to women not being triggered by visual stimuli. This is not true – many women are in fact very visual, just as much or more than men. Also to say “you’re not wired that way” sounds as if you’re implying to be the expert with opinion to end all other discussions. While you don’t intend to come across this way that’s how it sounds.
How about we do away with the blanket statements and go from the point of view the neither gender has the angle on any specific type of behavior and open ourselves to the idea (and harsh reality) that social conditioning aside both men and women are prone to exhibiting the very same behaviors and attitudes and also run the risk of falling into the same pitfalls when it comes to visual fidelity, emotional fidelity and physical fidelity.
Good discussion.
I have to disagree on this one. Sure, not ALL women are wired that way. Not ALL men are wired that way. But many many are.
Women and men are more different than they are the same.
Thank you so much for blogging about this. It’s been great being able to have a man’s perspective and point of reference when talking to my husband about this. He’s not a major “eye-baller” but we recently had the talk of “what’s the trouble with just looking” and I was having a hard time pinpointing my thoughts without being emotionally reactive. This helped clear things up. Thanks
You’ve nailed it, sir. Good words.
Great post.
I read where folks don’t like generalizations and I get that but like most things in nature there are trends and exceptions. For Corey to reference the trend doesn’t mean he, you or I are ignorant of the exceptions. He is correct in his statement that men and women are wired differently. Not only does research support this but I’ll bet that it is reflected in the clients he sees.
For those who see no big deal with window shopping. I believe it is a matter of integrity and what you calibrate yours to.
I think this was a great post, Corey. Loved it. Lots of wisdom. I can’t speak for the men, but I think that everything you said about women is dead-on. Sure, there will be some exceptions, but in general, I think you’re totally right.
I’m a little disappointed by the one-sided essentially anti-male nature of this post and the previous post it mentions. Although not stated directly as such, it essentially places 100 percent of the blame on men who do so much as look at another woman.
While I agree that pornography is a business and can certainly skew one’s perspective (note that “one” here is male or female, since it has been established that both men and women use pornography), I think it’s dangerous to head down a path where taking in sexual stimuli or fantasizing is not permitted or is somehow seen as detrimental to marriage! It always fascinates me that men are condemned for using pornography in the “traditional” sense of magazines, videos, etc, but rarely do we address the forms of pornography more commonly used by women: romance novels, soap operas, and magazines of all sorts (celebrity gossip, women’s interest, etc). Or, even more simply, what about good old-fashioned in-the-mind fantasy?
Part of keeping a healthy and exciting sex life and a solid marriage (and the two are inseparable) is not asking your partner to somehow clamp down and not participate in fantasy! Any marriage therapist or counselor worth their salt will tell you that this is a recipe for disaster. Instead, couples should do quite the opposite: they should continue to explore their fantasies, because we are all ever-changing, evolving, growing beings. What we like at 20 may not be the same thing we like at 30, 40, or so on. Our bodies change, possibly necessitating that we adjust our sexual activities accordingly. But, in exploring our fantasies, we must include rather than exclude our partner. But again, this is not a black-and-white, 100% rule. Couples should talk about their fantasies, honestly, and openly. What must be kept in mind is that fantasies are just that: fantasies. Fantasies can help a couple who may have a waning sex life, and they can help couples to know each other better and grow closer. If you don’t understand your partner’s sexual fantasies and needs, how on earth can you possibly expect to fulfill them?
Let’s try a little psychological experiment: I want you to clear your mind, and for 30 seconds, do not think about a giant pink elephant.
How successful were you?
Asking yourself or your partner not to have these thoughts is like asking someone to not think about a giant pink elephant!
A healthy marriage is not one where we forbid our partners or ourselves from thinking about something! A healthy marriage is one where we are free to think and to explore, but we involve our partners and share with them along the way!
“Fantasy” is not real. If my husband ogles a woman, she is real, not fantasized. I do not want any real women in my relationship except myself.
Imagining scenerios? Play acting them with a partner? Inventing stories? A-okay with that. My husband putting some other woman’s face and body in the picture with him? I’m not okay with that.
I am not asking my husband to avoid thinking about pink elephants. I’m asking him, if the “elephant” comes in the room, to glance and then look away, and to remember that he is married to a real woman, with real thoughts and feelings, and that he wants to honor both of us. This isn’t about not having a reaction, this is about controlling actions. Notice a pretty girl? Whatever. Stare at her? Add her to the fantasy list? Makes me really uncomfortable.
I have some fun fantasies of my own. (Ones I have no desire to share here!) But I do not look for men to fantasize about, and I approach every man I do talk to or meet as a committed, married woman. I think that is reasonable and fair, and I expect it to go both ways.
Kristina – you hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t have responded any better. Thanks for saying what I myself have struggled to articulate!
I would agree with Corey that if a man is developing trust with his woman that he will have a more sexual woman.
However, I also believe that if a woman is consistently meeting her man’s visual needs then he is less likely to have his needs met through porn or some other artificial visual mechanism.
Just a thought.
Paul, this sounds like a trap to me. If I am lovely and slim and beautiful and dress in a way that pleases my man and prance before him in sexual ways, THEN he will not need to have his needs met through porn or other artificial stimulation?
Frankly, it wants me to give up to think this way, because if you are right, it’s hopeless.
I’m forty years old. I’ve had a child. I have had double mastectomies (from breast cancer) and botched reconstruction. I could stand to lose a few pounds (I’m a healthy weight, but not magazine ready by any stretch). And you know what? It’s downhill from here. I’m going to get more wrinkled, older, saggier, and that is out of my control.
If you are right, Paul, then men are going to need to upgrade to more visually appealing women as the years go by. There is a reason that all of the porn women are 20-somethings with perky everything – as we age, our bodies change.
And you know what? My husband doesn’t look like a porn star, either.
I do not believe that all men are so base that if they don’t have a perfect woman in front of them that they will not be sexually satisfied and will need to go outside the relationship for stimulation. I do not believe that men need this perfect vision to be sexually satisfied. I believe that men have some control, and are capable of sexual integrity, and that it does not all rest on the women to be alluring.
I’m a sexual being. I am an active participant in the sexual relationship between my husband and I. I am fond of lingerie. I exercise. I try.
But if I need to meet all of my husband’s “visual needs” in order to keep him? I’m screwed – and not in a fun way. And I refuse to believe that this is the way it must be.
Kristina,
You’re certainly free not to believe it “must be” this way. However, as this post alludes, men are very visual in the way they see women (as are some women when they see men). Some how you have taken my reply to mean all women must be some air brushed porn star to meet their husband’s visual expectation. No self-respecting woman should have to prance around in skimpy attire to get their husbands attention. However, if a husband truly loves his wife and is meeting her needs and giving her the attention she truly deserves then one of the greatest gifts that a wife can give back to her husband is by blessing him visually with her body. My reply made no comments related to her physical status/beauty. A husband who loves his wife won’t care how her body ages, or how her body changes after pregnancy – I say this with all honesty!
Kristina, we have a porn problem in this country. Men would be wise not to venture down this road as it WILL lead him toward destruction. A wise man will walk away from porn even if his sexual and visual needs are not met from his wife. However, we should be able to have an honest discussion as to why men have such a strong temptation to be lured in this area. Certainly denying a man one of the greatest gifts he can receive from his wife (his visually naked wife) doesn’t help the situation. Not justifying…just saying.
Paul, thank you for the clarification.
What is a “visual need”? I can understand “visual desire” but what about “need”? And how on earth do I satisfy it? Frankly, I’m failing in this arena, despite sexy lingerie, nudity in front of my husbnad, taking care of my body, etc. It seems, based on the porn out there, that guys like 20 year old girls with perky everything, smooth everything, posing everything. Is it enough for me to simply be naked with my husband, to “allow” him to see me? Because that doesn’t seem to be cutting it.
Yes (sigh) I’m a little bitter.
agreed.
so sorry for the frustration! my husband did the same thing within a few weeks of our wedding. I keep seeing blogs and articles that say “loosen up and let him see you, he likes you even with your flaws/appreciation your xyz, without perfection etc”
We’ll be having a great day- I’ll “slip into something special” and instead of complimenting me or appreciating the offer. I usually get a “wow that’s tacky lace, or really your ___ looks big, you know your ___ jiggles/sags?” He refuses me because anytime I want something to happen in the bedroom hear “you must be ovulating”. After being burnt like this too many times I’m finding it hard to want to initiate/be interested in physical intimacy.
what to do!!!?
Hi Kristina. Thank you for your return reply. I think people interpret “needs” and “desires” differently, but my reason for my commenting was to confirm with the post that women are typically (not always) sexually responsive to a man they can trust, specifically as it relates to other visual stimuli around them. As the post indicates, a woman is more likely to give herself to man who devotes all his sexual energy to her.
The flip side of this is that a wife can very much support and help her husband in this area by being his greatest source of visual stimulation. I think it’s important for a wife to know what visual stimulation is important for her husband. Just as it’s important for a husband to know how he can interpret her “trust”. For some men it may be certain clothing, lingerie..etc. For others it may just his wife’s natural nudity. The key is that you’re providing this visual stimuli specifically for him.
I’m very sorry to hear both you and Johanna are bitter on this subject. If your man isn’t responding to the visual stimulation you’re giving him, it seems to me that something else is going on in the relationship. It might also mean that the man in your life is finding his visual “needs” or “desires” in some other way. In my opinion, as a wife you should never have to measure up to anyone else, especially to an airbrushed fantasy model. I pray you’re able to commmunicate these concerns to your husband.
I also agree this is a really great post again!! Thank you!