Relationship Design With A Ball And Chain
Photo courtesy new wave rh
My guess is one of the major hurdles to designing the life and marriage you want is your spouse. At least that’s what I continually hear from people I run into. The second thing would have to be kids. “I just have too many responsibilities and mouths to feed!”
By the way, I’m going to try out my ranting voice in this post. We’ll see out it goes. This whole thing may turn out to be a total disaster, oh well.
But first, a shameless plea for your assistance.
If you support the idea of this blog and have gotten anything from Simple Marriages thus far, I am asking that you help me out by filling out this questionnaire(closed). If you are willing to contribute and complete this survey then the blessings of overflowing passion, amazing adventures and fantastic sex will rain down upon your marriage for all eternity! No kidding!
Now on to other things.
Rant Time
If you buy into the notion that marriage is limiting to your freedom, so be it. I don’t.
While it does mean you give up some things, like sleeping with everything that walks. But come on, who really wants to do that. All that happens is you end up more lonely, except for the STD’s you get to enjoy long after the nights are over. And this also assumes you are the type without a shred of conscience willing to harm all sorts of people around you throughout life.
So why is it that many people think marriage is a death nail to lifestyle design? As I talk to my friends and read fellow bloggers, I get the distinct impression that the popular belief is – if you are married, you no longer have the freedom to design your own life. As if saying “I do” meant you handed over the keys to your entire life.
It’s true that one of the trailblazers in the world of lifestyle design Tim Ferriss is single, but what makes it that his way is the only way to go? Do you honestly think that if he were married he would settle down into a routine 9 to 5 life? No way! She’d be traveling with him, if not leading the way to new and more adventures.
So now you may be saying “but that’s not the luxury I have. My spouse would never go for the risk involved with getting out of the routine of life and seriously designing something new.”
Before you say this; have you honestly sat down and had the discussion? Or is this based solely on the fact that you think you know what they will say when in fact you really have no idea? Hate to break it too you – you can’t read their mind. Nor should you want to.
Maybe they are lost in the routine of life as well. Maybe they are looking for ways to make a change in the marriage but don’t want to rock the boat. Or they may be thinking there’s no way you’d be open to new ideas or their dreams.
If you truly want to live with more passion and adventure in life, listen the master Yoda.
Do or do not… there is no try. ~ Yoda
The foundational belief of the Simple Marriage Project is marriage and life are choice. If you want something a bit different, it’s your choice.
Speak up! At least that way an imaginary road block can be removed and you can face the real issues. You may discover that your spouse has some of the same frustrations and desires for life.
All that’s left then is the design and living of the life you both want to live.
Interested in more on this? Let me know in the comments.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.10 Responses to “Relationship Design With A Ball And Chain”
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Keep with this topic Corey. I like where it is going.
Have you been reviewing my file? I am moving on with designing my life. The hub is struggling with all the changes I have made in the last couple of years. He is secure in routine. I am more of a risk taker and want more freedom to experience some fun in life. I can live with less to experince more. He wants more money and less experince. So sadly, I will go and do without him. I’m going on another camping trip with a friend in a couple of week without the hub. While I am proceeding on with what I am doing, I do miss what it would be like to make it an adventure together. I start to feel resentment about it sometimes. I start thinking, “Why wouldn’t you want to be adventurous with me?” But I am determined to not let it stop me. Maybe someday he’ll want more out of life. You know, life is what you make it. If you are dissatisfied with it (which he is most of the time) why wouldn’t you do something about it? It doesn’t make sense to me. It frustrating.
Oh, and yes, more posts like this one!
Great post. A lot of people seem to think that there is only one way a marriage should be but I’m a great believer in marriage being an individual thing (err, for couples that is).
I often joke that the everlovin’ and I have nothing in common except for the fact that we are married to each other, but we have found that that is not at all important. We have our own hobbies and social circles and spend a lot of time off doing our own thing. At the same time, we have the same values, support and encourage each other, and talk about our projects and dreams. We put each other first and always try to be kind and considerate with each other. It’s the simple things that provide a strong foundation for a relationship, the rest is just gravy.
@Caroline- Marriage is completely a individual (couple) thing. Whatever works for the couple, works. That’s why there are no definitive resources out there for a marriage, it’s impossible. There are too many variations of couples and relationships that work to disprove one right way to be married. Thanks for the comment.
I love your ranting. Keep it up. In it you passionately convey your feelings as well as confront the beliefs of others. I always joke around with my wife that we had a good marriage until the kids came along. I have never felt my so called “freedom” was taken away with marriage. I do feel that when you make a choice to have kids, you give up a great deal of your life. I think we mistakenly call this a “loss of our freedom” but it’s really about making a sacrifice. We give up some of our own interests and desires to give another person the gift of life. And then they run us ragged!
Hi- I am really enjoying receiving these posts. I see marriage as a path of service and I love being married and learning how I can grow as a person through this path which to me is spiritual.
I was recently inspired by these two photo albums of the Obamas. Whether or not you agree with their political views, they are a role model of people who serve one another, and the world.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/01/the-obamas-greatest-pda-m_n_130947.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/10/03/the-obamas-anniversary-al_n_131721.html
Every so often, my hubby and I take out our little box of dreams and open it, just to look. It’s not that we’re afraid to follow our dreams, but they’ve had to be put in the “back of the closet” so to speak, because we have decided other things are more important. We actually have pretty good communication about what we want for our futures. There are some things we each want to do that the other has no interest in, but there are plenty of things we want to do together. Neither of us has ever viewed marriage as a loss of freedom. I think people who say that are truly afraid of something else, but it’s easier to say they want to be “free to be me.”
Great post. And I’d love to read more on the subject.
This is so true! It’s so easy to blame husband and kids (even in the back of our minds) for limiting our lives and damping down our sense of adventure. I remember when my daughter was small – every MINUTE was an adventure for real, I lived almost through her eyes. If she was having fun, I was having fun. And as she’s growing up (20 now) I have to learn to separate out MY fun from hers and my husband’s. And I see myself wanting to make small choices. Close to home choices. I see myself being concerned with tomorrow a lot more than I used to be. I actually see myself wanting to make this “smaller” life about a deepened spiritual appreciation, and much of the time, it truly is – yet I think a lot of the time I’m just hiding behind my family’s skirts. I’m hiding behind the work I love so much and feel so passionate about – love and passion, and still – hiding. What a great topic