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Before you dive into this post, I ask that you spend some time thinking through this question: What does sex mean to me?

Seriously, spend a bit of time with this question. In your answer you will discover the key to unlocking much more in this area of your life.

If you’d prefer to examine this idea on a broader scale, change the previous question to: What does my sexuality mean to me?

We are all sexual beings. Our sexuality is intimately linked with the rest of our life. It’s even linked to our spirituality. In fact, the two are intertwined.

That’s the way everything is in life. We may think we are compartmentalized beings, able to be the work you, the home you, the friend you, etc. but each area is interrelated.

As part of decluttering the house routine my wife and I have been on lately, we’ve come across some of the strangest things. Old pictures of us or family members. Ribbons won in school. Or the metal Dukes of Hazard lunch pale I carried in elementary school.

To other people, these things would only be worth the cost of the item minus the depreciation. But to me, these things have deeper meanings. It’s reminders of playing in the creek on the way home from school. Of riding a bike so fast you thought you could fly.

It’s a lunch pale, but it’s more than a lunch pale.

We do this all the time. Things often have more meaning than the thing itself.

Sex is the same. It’s an act yes, but it’s often more than an act.

The key to uncovering more in sex rests in the meaning we give it. Or as Rob Bell in his book Sex God puts it: this is actually about that.

There’s always something deeper to the things in our life.

A couple keeps having these same arguments about trivial things. Yesterday it was how to park the car, before that it was the phone bill, before that it was about whose turn it was to take the dog out, and now it’s happening again. They’re in the kitchen debating how to properly slice a tomato. They’ve been married for several years and would say it’s been great, but they’re at this point in the relationship where deeper issues like trust and commitment and kids and vulnerability are lingering in their minds and hearts, and underneath it all they both have this question: “If I get closer to my spouse will they leave me?” But neither of them has voiced this, and both of them experienced their parents’ divorcing at a young age, so anytime tension or conflict comes up, things get confusing quickly and so they’re just at this moment realizing that this argument has nothing to do with how to slice a tomato.*

Or, the foreplay is progressing along fine and they both are enjoying the time together when she suddenly disengages and it has nothing to do with what’s going on in bed at the moment but he takes offense and storms off while she lays there feeling even more alone and guilty.

So what’s your meaning when it comes to sex? Connection. Release. Love. Power. Commitment. Procreation.

No one can define it for you. It must come from you.

There are times when meanings change. Sometimes sex is simply a release. Other times it’s a longing for closer connection. It doesn’t have to have the same meaning each time. But it helps to be aware of what you’re looking for.

To invite your lover into your world, be honest.

Want to go from good sex to great sex? Here’s the 3 step process.

1. Understand the meaning of sex for you. What are you looking for when you seek out your lover?
2. Speak up. Let your partner know what’s going on in your mind. Tell them what you’re looking for. Let them in on your experience during the encounter. Let them experience all of you. And while you’re at it, seek to experience all of them.
3. Take an anatomy class. Most people understand the basic idea when it comes to sex, at least intercourse. But there are many couples that seem to think that’s all sex is. Wrong! There are many ways to be sexual. Talk to your partner. Learn their anatomy. Teach them your anatomy. Learn their pleasure points. Yours. Would it surprise you to learn that an often overlooked G spot is the mind?

Sex can be extremely pleasurable. But this doesn’t often happen by chance. It’s more than getting naked and “doing it.” You have to be more present, more open, more alive.

For more, be sure to check out, How to have curl your toes sex, and the Marital Flow series, part 1 and part 2.

*Adapted from Sex God by Rob Bell.

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