“He’s like my best friend.”
“She’s the best friend in my life.”
These are common statements and beliefs about a relationship with our spouse.
That they must be our friend, no, best friend — as well as all the other roles a spouse plays in marriage.
While I don’t discount that there should be friendship between husband and wife, having him or her as your best friend will be the death-nail to the marriage.
To clarify, I’m referring to best friend here as a primary and/or sole outlet of your relational needs.
When you first met your spouse, ideally you were both living lives that were fulfilling and interesting (note the emphasis on “ideally”— if you and/or your spouse didn’t have a lot going on when you first met, the relationship was already in really big trouble). One reason your spouse was attractive was the life they were living apart from you. The lives you were living before you met were an important part of what made each of you who you were.
As you began spending more time together and getting to know one another, you likely had less time to engage in the things you were doing before you met. Some couples go so far as to completely give up everything they previously found fulfilling and important in order to spend time together. The problem with this is, as you became fused, you became more and more dependent on each other to meet your individual needs.
That’s the problem with your spouse being your best friend.
As you give up those things you find fulfilling and important for the sake of the relationship, this places a tremendous burden on your spouse to fill the void of whatever you gave up. And this burden will create neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.
One of the best things you can do for your spouse is have a couple of great same-sex friendships.
Every marriage needs space between the spouses. It is within this space that you find energy, passion, eroticism, quiet time, and personal fulfillment.
While I believe that friendship within the marriage is vital for the relationship, close friendships outside of the marriage are equally important, especially if you want a marriage with lots of passion, eroticism, adventure, and energy.
One of the biggest killers of passion in marriage is all the meaningless time spouses spend together. And this monotonous coexistence is what often comes to define most marriages.
If you want to create a great marriage full of energy, adventure, passion, and love, spend some time away from your spouse with your friends.
(photo source)
hmmm reading this made me want to cry. My hubby and I grew up together. We had our own lives but were friends for ages before we dated and got married. He was my best friend but now….
sigh… guess this is why I read blogs like this
b
I disagree. If you rely on a friend to be your source of entertainment and focus of emotional off-loading, then, yes, I can see how that would be a strain on your spouse (probably a strain for any other friend as well). If your married life is just a series of shopping trips punctuated by television watching, it is no surprise the passion is gone from your marriage.
I believe if both people continue to develop – pursuing hobbies and interests of their own – they can grow closer over the years without becoming dependent. Passion is about mysterious and discovery. If each spouse stagnates, there will be no passion. If each strives to grow and change, they can take a wonderful journey together.
@Maria I agree. I don’t really have any friends but I do have interests that my husband doesn’t share and so I think I’m still an individual, unique person.
Lovely post! Lovely blog! I just find this blog on zenhabits, and I love it
Keep up the good work man! Can’t wait to read more!
My definition of a best friend is the friend whom you can count on the most. Yes, I have 3 or 4 great girl friends that I spend time with and share lots with. But when push comes to shove, it’s my hubby who’s my best friend.
I agree with Marnie. There’s no hard-and-fast rule that you can’t be best friends with your spouse! If your idea of a best friend is stuck in your high school or college days, then being friends with your spouse is going to be difficult. My husband is my best friend, because he is the only one who gets me. I am his best friend for the same reason. We can open our hearts to each other, share our deepest concerns and our best achievements, and let our guard down and be ourselves with each other with no fear of being judged. As an adult, I think that’s what I look for in a best friend, and that’s what I have with my husband. My best friends from college and school (and we were so close we would give our lives for each other!) have families of their own, and I don’t think it is fair to ask them to sacrifice even a lot of time for us, much less their lives!
I also echo the sentiments of Marnie, my huspand and I are best friends. We just celebrated 25 years of marriage and we both have friends, however at the end of the day I would rather hang out with him than anyone else.
Wow, I think every marriage license needs to come with a copy of this post!
Excellent article. Discovered your website via Zen Habits and found most of your articles spot on.
Most of what you said above equally holds true for a non-marriage intimate relationship as well. It’s spot on in describing what went wrong in my previous one. Wish I’d discovered your blog earlier
I am a stay at home mom and also do the paperwork,make phone calls,etc. for My husband’s business so that leaves little time for housekeeping,school functions errands, and making friends outside of the marriage except on the computer. Any advice on my situation?
What about touching base with old friends? Already may have a foundation to build on and a quick touch may be all that’s necessary.
Most of my old friends have moved away so I too struggle with how to make real friends these days.
Tyler – If you go to church, there are probably mens’ activities you can become involved in. Or – get involved in sports. You have much to contribute as a photographer. You have talents to be shared and displayed. The opportunities are there but, if you are like me, you are waiting for the “perfect” group to join at the “perfect” time. Friendships start at the acquaintance stage first and by doing things together – the “commonality” factor. Avoid looking for the “perfect” opportunity. Avoid trying to “make” friends. Just get involved.
Hm, and why only “same-sex” friendships? If my husband wants to have some great “opposite-sex” friendships to keep the interest and the fire between us? In our case, he doesn’t crave the company of same-sex friends, and doesn’t have any, but is a “favourite” of the ladies… I wonder if I should be encouraging that, or not… (A bit out of the topic, but not so much)
Not off topic at all … the issue I have with opposite sex relationships is the slippery slope associated with it. Another commenter stated this as well, your own gender understands and challenges more than the other will.
Thank you for replying, Corey. I fully agree with the general tone of your post – that a spouse should maintain and develop his/her own unique personality and relationships with other people, and that makes him a more interesting and, possibly, enlightened partner (that’s how I understood it).
I have some reserves as to two things: 1)that it is somehow “not right” your spose to be your best friend -but probably we are struggling with the definition of “best friend” here, and degrees of focusing the attention onto a single person… I would actually love it if my husband were my best friend – but for various reasons we are not quite there yet. However, this is an aspiration that we share.
2) Individual marital relationships can be very, very different one from another, and often it does not suffice to simply say: “today each of us can do his/her own thing!” For instance, if one of the sposes, due to his/ her nature doesn’t wish to have an intense social life and share with people outside of his family, or he/she IS willing to maintain relationships out of the couple, but for various reasons has friends mostly/only of the opposite sex… I mean, there can be many and various individual complications that may turn the originally good idea of having a healthy space between you/for you into a huge marital problem – maybe bigger than the problem of too much co-dependence (or maybe not bigger, I’m not sure).
this is so true, thank you for posting this.
couples often forget that what they loved each other for in the first place was their individualities, that is points of difference.
what is there to admire in total similarity, huh? )) this becomes plain boring and kills the happily-ever-afters.
I think this article is both right and wrong. I have been married for 16 years to the best friend I’ve ever had.
The article suggests that a best friend is an outlet into whom you offload your baggage. If that premise were true, that “best friend” probably wouldn’t stick around for too long. Granted, best friends are there when we need them. But if you start needing them too much, they will eventually grow to resent the friendship. I’ve been on the “needed” side of a relationship exactly like that and while I still like the guy, he relies way too heavily on me and I’ve had to cut the cord.
So, whether your best friend is your spouse or someone else, you cannot treat them as a receptacle for ALL of your garbage. Whomever it is will eventually cut the cord.
Instead, learn to deal with your life. Stop creating so many problems. I use the analogy “you’ve got 6 pots of boiling water but only have a 4 burner stove.” You have to make your life manageable. That’s up to you. Not your wife or your friends.
What you wife and best friend (whether the same person or not) should be when you are in need is someone to stand by your side. Not someone for you to stand upon.
I forgot to mention that I agree that friendships outside of the marriage are important. Once in awhile, you need a few moments to get back to who you are as opposed to your role mom, dad, husband, or wife. Having some time here and there to hang out helps you keep that sense of self that your partner fell in love with. Otherwise, when a person is just a wife or mom, but no longer that individual I can see how a spouse might start to wonder why they are still with him or her.
I’m with Jim on this one. The best friends I’ve ever had are not necessarily the ones I hang out with all the time, but those who, no matter the amount of time or distance that has separated us, always and have always accepted me as me with no judgment. We can pick up where we left off and we value the other person’s opinion, insight and advice. My spouse of 16 years has become not necessarily my best friend over time, but definitely my most significant one. The more time passes, the less we have “clung” to each other (read:neediness), and the more our friendship has grown. But that friendship grew because we both made good and true friendships outside of the context of marriage. We are also open with each other about those other friendships. And these discussion feed and put a new perspective into our marriage. When both of us sense that the other is happy, it turns up the romance.
Bottom line with friendships – guys understand what guys go through, and girls understand what girls go through, so it makes sense to form a strong bond of friendship with a good same-sex role-model, or fellow traveler. Guys learn how to be guys from….well, GUYS. “Best” is always contextual. When it comes to “male” things, my wife is NOT my best friend. My guy friend (who happens to be my brother) is. My $0.02
Great article Dr. Corey, I think that this is probably cause of most of the turmoil in my current marriage. Hoping that BUMM will help…
Well said Corey. Like other have eluded to here, it’s about finding a balance in your relationship so you don’t lose sight of who you were and where you want to go as a person. I find myself craving good friendships with other men who are married and have kids so we can lean on each other. However, most of the guys I associate with are either divorced or don’t have kids. Not knocking those guys but I’d like to associate with other men who are in a similar situation. I’m trying to focus more on my photography without feeling guilty about it – it’s something that I think will make me grow as a person and hopefully that will help our marriage in some way.
Thank you for the specifics of a SAME-SEX friend. Because I have watched the slippery slope destroy my marriage. I agree that friends outside the marriage are healthy for both spouses. But if you turn to someone other than your spouse for ALL your needs, then you leave your marriage in the dust.
Totally disagree. Friends are important, no doubt, but the relationship between spouses should be the center. Are you trying to justify all the time spent away from yours?
Really Ryan … you’re calling me out on something you have no real idea about regarding me and my marriage?
You can disagree with the premise of what I write, fine. Although I think if you read what I wrote you’ll see that a spouse is important, but when they are your entire world, that’s what leads to problems.
Live a full life and allow your spouse to be the icing on the cake!
Listen Corey, I was trying to gauge the mood of the writer was all. Why don’t you enlighten us on the research uncovered in this area? Cake references lookout!
It would seem you indicate that best = only. I would define best = truest. My wife has been my best friend for over a decade. She is my truest most loyal friend. That being said, I know that I can not meet every need she has. I have encouraged her over the years to develop friendships that would give her the extra that she needs. I want her to have those friendships because I want her to be the woman she was created to be.
Keep up the thought provoking writing. Though I didn’t agree with all you said, I appreciate the food for thought.
Hmmm… I want to ask you to write a few more articles on this topic, because I got interested in what you’re saying and I only wish you would elaborate more. Where should the boundaries be? “One of the biggest killers of passion in marriage is all the meaningless time spouses spend together”.. interesting, do you know by any chance how that works? Does it maybe kill passion but build something else? How do other friendships keep “passion, eroticism, adventure, and energy” in marriage? That’s actually the one I’m most interested in, and the mechanics of how it works.
I also wonder what inspired you to write this, hoping that it was a book or another article that you could possibly refer me to.
I’m not sure where I stand on this, but you definitely got me thinking.
I second this. I too would like to hear more about this. I have let the space between my wife and I disappear and we spend countless meaningless hours together (i.e. shopping together and watching TV). I have friends but my wife does not, at least not ones that she spends time with in person (facebook) so my wife is my closest friend but I am now, essentially, her only friend. We are losing our spark despite several efforts to have more dates, more interesting dates etc. My wife feels abandoned and practically betrayed when I do spend time with my friends. Needless to say but it is not fun having to deal with confrontation every time I spend time with my friends which I know is healthy for our marriage.
I would love it if you could expound further on this “Best Friend” topic as apparently I am not alone in this.
(Love this blog, long time reader, first time commenter)
I think the term best friend is for kids. Some friendships are deeper than the other but no two friendships are alike. That said the friendship you and your spouse share will never be like what you might share with another friend. The degree of obligation and comfort are so drastically different between any platonic relationship and marriage. I think maintaining ties and continuing to strenghten your friendships even after marriage only enhances the novelty of your relationship with your spouse, and vice versa – your platonic friendships also benefit from refreshing perspectives you draw from your relating to your spouse.
Life is endless, experiences are endless, and so is relating. The dynamic nature of all this makes it so unrealistic to stamp the term “best” on any one, two or three people. God knows what tomorrow holds for any one of us, given that the only thing thats guaranteed in life is change. Sustaining an intrest in getting to know people better gives scope for an interesting and enriching friendship.
You said well, Manasi!
Wow, Nelly, that does sound quite concerning. Close opposite sex friendships which are engaged in regularly can definitely be, as Corey put it, a slippery slope, and even more risky if there is a bit of a disconnect in your own marriage relationship. I’ve experienced that before (a long time ago), and it can be so easy to end up down some lonely road with emotional ties to someone else.
Corey, from the perspective of who knows me the best, I would have to say that my husband is my BF, but we do both have great friendships outside of our marriage. One thing that got me thinking though was your comment about the meaningless time couples spent together. Maybe it’s an older marriage thing, and that’s why some couples aren’t ‘getting’ your sentiments at all. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have either, but in recent years as work has become more draining, the challenges of parenting teenagers more demanding, etc, we’ve been quite content to be together tweeting, browsing the internet etc, doing nothing fruitful, and yes, it can bring a sense of blah to the marriage if we do it too much!
Your comments are a good reminder not to let the same ‘ol same ‘ol steal away our spark. We too have to be intentional about our relationships, even when they’re sturdy and have weathered many storms.
I disagree too. I married my husband because he was my very best friend. The whole world could fall apart, I could lose my family and my friends, but as long as my husband’s there, I’ll be alright. I have plenty of wonderful same-sex friends, but how do I know we’ll be living close together in 5 years? In 10? Your spouse is the one person who will ALWAYS be with you. You make all your important decisions together. My best girl friend right now isn’t going to move cross-country with us when we graduate from medical school. But my husband will be with me every step of the way. If we depend too much on our friends, what happens to us if we lose them? Or even if you stay friends, you won’t always be the “best” of friends. That’s what grade school is for. In the adult world, your spouse is your best friend. That’s what marriage is about.
Haley, what will you do if your husband dies or leaves? You make it sound as if you can’t function without him. Someday you may have to. Hummm.
Without touching on the subject of opposite sex friendships, I happen to think that a partner should be one of but not the only best friend you have. Your partner should be on the level of a best friend where you share experiences, thoughts and feelings. However, you should have other friends on the same level since your partner cannot be all things to you. For example, I love my fiance and share most of my life with her, but she doesn’t share my love of science fiction and bad SyFy channel originals. I have another friend who’s been my best friend for 12 years with whom I share that.
I totally agree with Corey. I am my husband’s wife. I am his only family. I am his best and only friend. I WISH he would spread the love and get some other friends. He needs an outlet other than me. If he had a best friend, it wouldn’t devalue what we have together. I think it would enhance it. It would give him more experiences, challenges, more input besides me. Sometimes, being his everything is suffocating. I love him dearly but I need him to get a friend!
Thank you for the well wishes, Laurie. But I think you missed my point entirely. My point is not that I’m a dependent weakling. My point is that’s how people should feel about their spouse–they should be the person they care about most, and the person they can talk to about anything. I’ve found that in my husband. He is my best friend, and I’m happy.
Well many may not like this comment, but I have been married for 22 years. Many friends think it is close to a miracle!
We have very little in common, I proposed in a letter as we lived in two different countries, we couldn’t speak the same language and we probable spent 6 weeks together of the year before we got married.
We have two lovely girls and we have even less in common, but we still love each other.
There are many reasons why I think it has worked. Most significantly I think that with my wife being Spanish meant she returned home during the summer School holidays for 2 months. This I think has been fundamental to a long marriage. I used to say I couldn’t wait for her to go, but I couldn’t wait for her to return.
For me I was single for a couple of months able to go out with my mates and be a lad, never got up to any mischief but a bit of my own time.
There are of course many other reasons we are still together, but to have your own time with out jealousy seems very important, maybe not for everyone but I am sure it worked for us.
If your spouse is your best friend, what happened to your best friend before your spouse? Did you just toss them aside? And if you don’t have any friends, well, that’s a problem in itself.
Friend is one thing. The title of husband or wife is on a totally different level than best friend. It’s on the highest level in a relationship. Your best friend isn’t your lover. Your spouse is. Two totally different things.
I never got the old “I am married to my best friend.” HUH?
Did you mean “death knell”?
This post is inspiring yet I have the reverse problem. I have a lot of girlfriends and a pretty good social life. My husband is very adventurous and is constantly active in his interests. It seems, however, that he is wrapped up in himself and his concerns and rarely even notices me. I know he loves me but I wouldn’t even consider him a caring friend. (For example, he will finish dinner at a restaurant and walk out and wait for me in the parking lot) I know he would be there if I really needed someone but it would be with the truth, not with supportive comments of what I needed to hear. Anyone else understand this? Any advice?
My spouse and I are best friends. We are always together, we never spend time apart and that works for us. We have arguments sometimes but that blows over within 10 or so minutes. We are inseparable. We have the exact same interests and I feel that’s what makes it work for us. We don’t have other friends that we go out with, it’s just each other and when we do see friends it’s always together. Some people are like us, and that doesn’t make it wrong. People who say everyone needs space in relationships don’t understand the meaning of being friends with their S.O. You shouldn’t need others when you have the perfect person to be around and share things with.
I have a question.. it has always been me,my husband and my daughter. well she has graduated from high school and now its just my husband and I. In the past year he has developed friendships with a couple and spends almost every weekend with them. He has started drinking more heavly and to be honest im jelious of the time he spends with them. He has told me that i’m not his best friend and that we have nothing in common anymore( which we do but anyway) im paraniod of his friendships with them. I feel lost and abondoned. Please tell me what I should do.
Find some good girlfriends and spend time with them.