Simple Family: Giving Kids Their Space
In the last Simple Family post I proposed the idea that as parents, we are responsible to our children, not for them. I’d like to add to this idea.
As parents, our main responsibility TO our children is keeping our cool. When a parent over-reacts, displays knee-jerk reactions, or simply flies off the handle, this creates an unstable environment for all involved.
If however you remain calm in the face of anxious moments, you increase the likelihood of being guided by your deepest principles, rather than emotional reactivity, which is more tied to your deepest fears.
For example, your teenage daughter is two hours past her curfew and you being the concerned parent are waiting up for her. As the minutes pass, your care and concern more likely is experienced as worry and fear. As she appears through the door, how are you most likely going to greet her?
Many parents would erupt into a monologue covering how late she is, how much trouble she has caused and when she should expect to leave the house again – which will be many months away.
Now you may think you have every right to react this way. But is your monologue in line with your deepest principles? Are you really conveying your love and concern for her well-being?
What if you reacted this way as she entered the house?
“Honey, I’m so glad your home safely. I was pretty worried when you did not arrive home by your curfew. It’s been a long night, and now that you’re safely home, I’m going to bed. We will discuss the consequences of your choosing to arrive home late in the morning. Good night honey (kiss on the forehead).”
Which expresses your love and genuine care for her safety?
By living more from your deepest principles, you increase the chances that your children will choose to follow them as well.
You also create space for them.
Space to be in charge of things in their own life. To make their own choices, and to live with the consequences.
By granting your children more space, which happens by default as you have less emotional reactivity, they learn better how to handle themselves. Their choices and its natural consequences.
Now I can hear you already bringing up the age appropriateness of this idea. And while I can understand your argument, I also believe that the giving a child his/her own space begins when they are very young.
My 2 and 4 year old have learned the best lessons when my wife or I did not shelter them from the natural consequences of a choice. Granted, if it is a safety issue, shelter away.
My son learned very quickly how to cautiously climb some furniture, and which furniture not to climb, after he fell off the couch. Now he may have learned this same lesson by us explaining to him all the things that could happen were he to fall off the couch, but not near as well as actually doing it.
Living, and parenting, according to your deepest principles involves you handling yourself and your reactions more. But when you’re able to react less in the moment, you’re going to get your principles across far better than blowing up and having to pick up the pieces later.
Photo courtesy lepiaf.geo
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.10 Responses to “Simple Family: Giving Kids Their Space”
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Reminds me of the Love and Logic principles. They learn to trust themselves, become more confident and in the process make better decisions. Natural consequences are in the every day real world and since it’s our job to prepare them to be productive, healthy, caring, fun to be around people, sounds like an excellent start.
This aligns with my goal of trying to raise “good” adults. There will come a time when they won’t listen too me (I am actually surprised every day when the 14 year old still listens to me – or pretends to listen to me).
I let them do things that I am not comfortable with, but they are things that I was doing at a younger age. I want to be over protective but it isn’t in their long term best interests.
I tend to overreact but try to parent this way – giving them space. Working on me and allowing them to work on them.
I try to parent this way but my spouse does not. She is more of the reactive type and when I do not parent in her style I am “not caring what happens to them” or “not concerned for thier safety”. How do I convey the message to my spouse that I am concerned but they need to make some mistakes? She is very inconsistent. Flying off the handle sometimes and thoughtful other times. Very ruled by her emotions.
Kevin- The only way I know how to convey that message is honestly and upfront. It’s up to her to accept what you say or not. As for addressing her flying off the handle, if she is open to discussions while not in the heat of things, try bringing it up at other times. Often people are more open to discuss their life and reactions while not in the heat of things. Best of luck.
Perfectly said! This is a main principle in the book, “Screamfree Parenting” by Hal Runkel and I use this book with the moms I coach. Once parents can grasp a few true principles it is amazing how the family dynamic is changed. I just wish I would have had the book and ideas when my kids were younger, but at least I can make changes now so that they hopefully will have a different idea of how to parent their kids! Thank you for this!
I wish I had known all this stuff years ago.
Growing up, I remember thinking that the louder my parents reacted the worse trouble I was in….at least until the night when they were so angry and hurt with me that they said nothing at all. That was the most painful night I can remember.
Hi Corey
I agree completely about giving space and responsibility to our kids – at least as much as they can handle. As for staying calm – I think there’s often a fine line between reacting and over-reacting. I grew up in a family where my parents were very calm and controlled most of the time. When they did over-react it was very scary … because I hadn’t seen them show much emotion the rest of the time.
Personally I think it’s best as a parent to be expressing emotions – but in a way where I’m taking full ownership of them. In the example of the teenage kid arriving late – I like the dialogue you showed as an example. I would want to use it to show how I’m feeling – “I’m RELIEVED, I’m SCARED, I’m ANGRY – and those are my feelings and they’re coming from my care, love, desire for your safety” I probably wouldn’t express it quite that way, but the point is I think it important to show our kids that we experience a full range of emotions, we’re human beings after all – not robots.
That syrup dripping “talk” would have never worked with my oldest daughter. She was so defiant when she was young and even into her teen years. Most of the time when she was defiant, I took it as a personal challenge to my authority as a parent. And made sure she lost those challenges with not question who was in charge. That was 10 years ago.
Today, we talk almost all the time and she is a respecter of people who are over her. She gets along with her bosses at both her jobs.
I guess what I am saying is that talk might work with certain kids, and others it’s not. Some just make the simple mistake of not watching the clock close enough. Others are just openly challenging the parent. You just have to know your child.
Since I have 4 and each is different, I use different techniques for discipline and teaching.
I love how simply you have put a powerful message across. After having reacted in the worst way when my son came late after his outdoor play session, I didn’t feel good. I wondered why and now I know. This is a better way to deal with the situation. Thanks for the insight.