Simple Family: How to Steal From Your Kids
In general, children in America have around 18 years to prepare for living in the real world. During this time, children have a certain number of teaching experiences that will help their preparation. It’s these experiences, although sometimes painful, that will form a memory bank of cause and effect thinking. And it’s these experiences that will help guide their future choices and behaviors.
Since there are a limited number of teaching opportunities, one of the best things you can do for your children while they’re young is let them learn from these teaching experiences with little interference or rescue from you. The great thing about raising children is we get the chance to see them learn from the consequences of their choices as they get older.
Although it is tough to watch our kids struggle or hurt as they face life’s consequences, it’s easier if you remember this idea – while kids are young, the consequences to their poor decisions are relatively inexpensive.
For example, a young child’s poor decision usually only results in them being cold for a short period of time, being hungry for a little while, getting a reduced grade on homework, or something else not life threatening. As the child grows there are more life and death choices – drinking and driving, drugs, sex, etc.
While a child is young, they get the chance to reap the benefit of as many real life learning experiences as they are allowed to experience. When parents over-protect their children, they in essence steal from them.
While our kids are young, and the price tags of poor choices are still inexpensive, let them learn as much as they can. This learning comes from the natural consequences associated with choices in life. And the consequences to choices will teach more than any threat, lecture, or directive.
A child who is allowed to learn from their mistakes also learns to think and problem solve.
Eventually our kids will not live with us, before they go out on their own, wouldn’t it be great to know they’ve had a taste of the real world and are very capable of making life whatever they desire.
Photo courtesy lovelypetal
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.10 Responses to “Simple Family: How to Steal From Your Kids”
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[...] Great Article on Child Discipline. I recently discovered the SimpleMarriage site, which has some great parallels to Engaged Marriage. This is a super article about the importance of letting kids learn from their mistakes. [...]
Can I get an AMEN?! As a teacher and coach who deals with the consequences of thieving parents each and every day, I say PREACH ON! Thanks for the post.
What a refreshing, liberating and wise perspective. Thanks.
I live in a culture where the lack of consequences has been brought to the extreme in terms of applying it to society as a whole, and the results are TERRIFYING. Children of this generation (and of the previous – mine – to a certain degree as well) have to face no consequences. The parents bear the brunt, willingly, of any and all the most idiotic things their children do. From accidentally breaking stuff to forgetting things, from bad grades to unwanted pregnancies, to things deserving jail sentences as adults. The parents will always ‘cover’ for the child and the child will get the promised reward REGARDLESS of his performance. The parent will take the child’s punishment, will repay what the child has broken, will make up for whatever the child failed to do/provide/ecc., will apologize on behalf of the child, and above all, the parent will REMOVE the child from any situation where he needs to face the consequences. The result is a whole generation of amazingly irresponsible people, who have NO IDEA how to live because they can do all the want (squander money, wreck cars, get into debt, cheat on spouses, call off weddings, quit jobs or not even bother to get one, etc.) because mum or dad WILL fix things and he doesn’t need to worry about it. The society as a whole is in trouble: these people have NO idea how to work, have no idea how to have social interaction and have reactions that are totally unforseable when thwarted or having to face up. They can’t problem solve (mum or dad will do it), can’t think and hold a job (why bother? Mum and dad will take care of me), etc. We are talking about people in the 30-40 age group, not only teens or college age. Corey, up for ‘coaching’ a whole nation???? I know JUST the one : ) Needless to say, marriages are a wreck because these types of people can’t possibly face something like marriage….. It’s very, very sad to watch.
I agree with you Jessica. It certainly isn’t easy allowing your child to go through consequences but the maturity they gain by doing so far outweighs the squeamishness of the moment. I have a brother & sister both of whom have been bailed out time & time again by my aging parents. They are still at it and my parents are in their 70s. I was fortunate in that I moved away from home in my 20s and was thus forced to make decisions. I hate to think what I would have turned out like if I hadn’t moved away!
Rock on Corey and Jessica! Let me echo your statements. As a teacher I have seen countless cases where the parents rescued their child, even lying to keep their child from a consequence. OMG!
The most difficult thing I EVER did was tell the police to handcuff my child and take him away. It was one of the best things I ever did.
Wow! Thanks for calling it what it is: stealing. That puts it in black and white for me. My kids are pretty young, so it’s good to hear this perspective now.
Great article! I definitely agree with your premise that you need to let children learn from their mistakes while they are young and the consequences are not too severe. This should certainly lay the groundwork for a better adolescence and over all life.
My wife is a teacher at the upper elementary level, we have two small children, and we have nieces/nephews in their teens. With this perspective, we can definitely see the results of early childhood discipline…or lack there of!
Dustin
EngagedMarriage.com
You hit just the right button and I love the title!!! I hope more parents realize what they are doing to their children when they don’t allow them to make mistakes. Wouldn’t you rather a mistake be made when they’re 8 rather than 22??? As a coach working with moms, natural consequences seem to be one of the first things we work on. Thanks for HITTIN’ this one out of the ball park!
Hey, there is a group out there that expects your young men to be responsible for their bad decisions and to learn from them.
The Boy Scouts of America (100 years old this February) believes in “boy-led” programming–responsibility and consequences are dumped on them when they turn 11.
If Timmy forgets the hotdogs, it will be a hungry night. Tent left at home? Well, what a great time to learn to improvise. Hmmm, didn’t bring matches? Well maybe another patrol can help you out.
Adults are there to allow a safe learning environment. I’ve seen a lot of 11 year old boys be able to handle themselves very well by 13.
(If your troop is adult-led, your Scouts are being robbed in the same fashion this post discusses! Speak to your Scoutmaster about “boy-led” program, or find another unit.)
BSA is all about character development.