Simple Family: Keep The End In Mind
It’s easy to get caught up in the midst of the moment when it comes to parenting.
Even now as I write this my 4 year old daughter is throwing a fit because I will not help her do something she’s perfectly capable of doing herself.
If I take the bait of engaging in this showdown, I risk getting lost in the moment and losing focus on the end result – launching a self-sustaining adult.
Granted this launch is many years away, but parenting is easier when you keep the end result in mind.
It is safe to say that we all have fantasies about how our children will turn out.
There’s the dream of visiting them after they’re married and successful. You get to play with the grandchildren, bask in the warmth of the family time and reminisce about the wonderful experiences growing up together.
There are other times however when these dreams turn to nightmares. You see all the potential traps out there and are afraid they will fall victim to one or more of them.
At the basic level, forgetting all the wants you have for your child’s future for a moment, successful parenting can be measured by asking yourself one question. After your kids are grown and out of school, ask yourself this: are they taxpayers? That’s it.
If you can answer this with a yes, you did a great job.
If you keep end result in mind, you can better disengage in the moment during battles in order to focus on long term goals.
This is not a “sit back and hope for the best” style of parenting. Passivity is rarely the way to go. When you keep your main values and principles in mind as you parent, you’ll parent from the best in you. Not the emotionally reactive part of you.
I continue to get a great testing of this idea as I write, since my 4 year old is continuing her tantrum. I can feel my anxieties rising as I want to engage the situation and do it for her. By the way, the issue surrounding her tantrum, taking off one set of clothes in order to put on pajamas. Something she’s accomplished on her own many times before.
When I can calm down and soothe my anxieties, I can freely and rationally choose what to do next. In this case, she’s on her own.
With the end result in mind, the moments that come along as parents can be viewed with a better perspective.
And wouldn’t you know it, she just just came out of her room with her pajamas on!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.11 Responses to “Simple Family: Keep The End In Mind”
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I can certainly relate! In fact, my four-year-old son is asking me his typical 1,000 questions per hour as I write this comment. And I had to convince him that he could put on his own shoes yesterday as I finished up a new post for Engaged Marriage. Of course, tonight I am all his as I take him out for an evening bowhunt which will more than likely turn into a few hours of whispering Q&A…boy time at its best!
And don’t even get me started about my 2-year-old daughter…:)
I agree with you that we need to keep the end in mind and choose to interact with our kids in a healthy way that empowers them, while letting them know clearly how much we love them.
Oh, Just what I needed tonight! Usually, I am able to approach situations calmly and make them teachable moments and this past week, (I hate to admit) I found my emotions surging a little out of control.
Praise the Lord for a new week: one where I can start once again parent with the end results in mind!
I definitely agree with the idea that we need to parent from our most basic and important values. It really makes a difference on which battles we choose to engage in with our kids.
Having said that, it surprises me that you said as long as your kid’s a taxpayer, you’ve done a good job. Really? What about being a good person? What about loving God? What about compassion, loyalty, a good work ethic, etc? I’m surprised that your measuring stick is about contributing money to the country. Did I misunderstand you?
No, Lindsey, you didn’t misunderstand me. The idea I’m proposing here can still include all the things you mention (which I would like for my children as well) but the hope is that as parents we will lighten up a bit about all the things we hope are children will obtain. Parents seem to put a fair amount of pressure on themselves and their parenting, so much so that they miss time with their kids and their own life.
To put this another way. One of the big things many family’s desire is for their children to love God and have a relationship with Him. Many parents go to great lengths to help their children develop this relationship. At times, their effort can actually push the child away from their goal. The only way a person (any person) will develop a relationship with God (or adopt any of your family values) is when they are given the freedom to choose it. So rather than do so much to try and ensure your child’s future faith, live out your own faith and it will increase the likelihood that they will follow along.
Thanks for the comment.
Along with Lindsay, the definitely of a success once your child becomes an adult didn’t seem right. I want my child to be a happy person, who knows how to love and be loved. And have empthathy, and be generous… (and I could go on!). I’m guessing the taxpaper definition was meant to be tongue in cheek, but it made the post come across overly simplistic.
K, it is overly simplistic. When I live my life according to my values and beliefs, my kids are more likely to adopt them because what we model is far more powerful than what we say or teach.
Be generous, kind, empathic, and happy as you live life with them and they will very likely do the same.
Thanks for the discussion.
This is a tough one, especially when the kid is so darn cute and is looking at you with those big doe eyes. But yes, I do want my child to be independent. A little bit of struggle on his part now (with some strategic help from me) will go a long way in the future.
This is a fantastic post, Corey. It is so hard to remember that our main job is to raise adults. Recently, I had been giving my 11 year old constant reminders about getting to the bus on time – it was putting a very negative strain on our mornings.
Then it dawned on me I was teaching her to rely on my reminders, rather than finding her own ways to get to the bus on time. So I told her the expected time to “make” the bus, and that if she wasn’t able to keep on track, she’d have to walk the 6 blocks to school.
So far – she has been early getting out to the stop.
Keep up the great work!
Corey,
I have to share. Guess what my oldest son did? Background for those of you who don’t know me- My oldest is now 20. He was an incredibly difficult child and really was the teenager from hell.
back to what he did…. He is working and with his job, his boss sent him to DC to pick up a car and drive it back to Texas. My son flew to DC by himself, got a taxi (a new experience for him) found his hotel, picked up the car the next morning, and spend two days driving back to Texas. WOW! I told him I was so proud that he was so self sufficient. I could not have done that at 20. It would be a struggle for me to do that now! (but I would). I feel successful.
That’s great Laurie! Thanks for letting me know.