Simple Family: The Biggest Lie Many Parents Live By
Being a parent is overwhelming at times. Endless schedules, teachable moments, messes to clean up, meals to prepare, laundry to fold, and moments to lose your cool.
Take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Countless parents are in the same boat. And all of us are in this boat due to two things.
First is our own emotional reactivity. And second is the biggest lie many parents live by… more on this in a moment.
First things first, our emotional reactivity is our own worst enemy.
We all live within a system. Your family is a system. And each member feeds off other members within the system. Put another way, have you ever had a time when you were anxious about something and your kid’s behavior escalated because of their feeding off your anxiety? Or your spouse has a bad day and you can sense it as you enter the house, even before you see them?
The simple truth is you probably spend a great deal of time trying to control things you can not possibly control. Your kid’s reactions, their behaviors, their choices, even your spouse. I can’t blame you for trying really. I’ve done it too.
There’s a great deal of pressure with parenting today. We are bombarded with the messages of putting family first. Keeping our children safe. Being saddled with the idea of parents are the ones molding the future of our world.
It’s overwhelming.
So rather than spending a great deal of energy on things you can’t control, spend time working on the things you can. This starts, and probably ends, with you.
Second, there’s a lie many parents live by.
It’s this: you are responsible for your child.
Many parents have bought into the idea that it’s our job to get our children to think, believe, feel, and behave like a good person. We are responsible for their life. After all, they are a reflection of ourselves. Right?
Wrong!
Hear me out. They are a member of our family and will act out our family patterns and beliefs, hence the importance of the first point. But ultimately, they are their own separate being.
We are much more responsible TO our children than we are FOR them. Our children have been granted the same power of choice as us. And if you think you can program your child to act, think, behave a certain way, you’re fooling yourself.
As parents we do have tremendous influence on our children, but we have more responsibility to them than for them.
And the main responsibility to them? Being consistently cool in the face of ever present change. After all, the only thing you have control over is yourself.
Marital application: To apply this idea on another level, read the post again and replace the word children with spouse. The same idea applies.
Photo courtesy pipitdapo
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.17 Responses to “Simple Family: The Biggest Lie Many Parents Live By”
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[...] the last Simple Family post I proposed the idea the as parents, we are responsible to our children, not for them. [...]
There’s a book called “Scream-Free Parenting” and it talks a lot about these same principles – thanks for these thoughts!!
Thanks for the book reference- that’s where this idea came from in fact.
And here I was thinking it was just a small world…
While I’m not a parent, I can speak to the power that my mother had when she let me be the person I was going to be, and trusted me to make right decisions. Powerful principles, but oh so difficult for some to let go!
I’m reading Scream-free right now and, although I really dislike the title (It’s just embarrassing! — I feel like a terrible parent every time I read the title), I bought it because it deals with becoming less reactive. My goal as a parent is to be consistent and calm. Growing up, I never knew what to expect from my folks. They are both very dramatic and self-centered to this day, actually. So, my mantra “consistent and calm” works well with them, too.
You keep it up Maegan!! The title is a little scary – but the principles are what we need to focus on – focusing in on ourselves! I would love to answer any questions you might have, I am at a certification seminar right now to teach these amazing tools/principles to other parents.
I fear this truth Corey, I always had it on the back of my mind. I try to set an example while my child is young so that when he grows up, he’ll live a responsible life.
The wisdom you have stated here is so subtle.
I wish I could rewind time and do some things over again with my oldest son. I wish I knew then what I know now. If I had done things differently maybe we wouldn’t have gone through the hell we did. So I fight the feelings of guilt over not having been the best parent I could have been. I just didn’t know what to do. On the other hand, it is good knowing that it is his job to overcome and be responsible for himself. That is a comfort.
Laurie, I’m dealing with this right now, only my son is only 5 years old. I can see the future if I keep dealing with him like I am. I don’t trust him, honestly, and I think I am undermining his ability to make his own decisions. Would you elaborate on your experience and what you would have done differently?
I took my son to counselors starting when he was in about the 4th grade. All of them worked with him on coping skills. While this is a good thing, He had to choose to use them which he wasn’t interested in doing. Also, I still wasn’t trained to respond to a child that seemed like he had no limits as to how he would react to my limits and the consequences placed on him. As a teen, I had him arrested, put into a psych hospital, and continued paying for professional help. It wasn’t until I found someone who taught ME how to respond in a way that would diffuse the situation (or at least not escalate it so much) that things begin to get better. This counselor didn’t even really see my son (he met him on one session but that was it). Instead, this counselor taught me and my hub what to say, do etc. In our response to our child, it shifted choices for his life to him. He knew where choice A would lead for him and where choice B would lead. After he experienced the consequences of his choices a few times, he started to settle down a bit.
Now he is 20 and living on his own. He is enjoyable to be around, loving, and just a cool kid. I will eventually get the cracked doors replaced and the holes repaired in my walls. While I believe he will always struggle with his mood swings and impulses, I believe he can make the life he wants should he choose to do so.
You might ask who the counselor was that equipped my hub and I and made all the difference in our lives. That would be Corey Allan, Mr. Simple Marriage himself. This man saved our family and my marriage. God sent me a miracle in Corey.
I wish you all the best with your son. Maybe Corey has a book to recommend to you. If your able I would give Corey a call. Parent coaching would be a great thing. Well worth the money and much cheaper than a psych hospital.
Thanks Laurie! I will give it a shot! I’m glad to hear that your son is enjoying his life more with less strife. I’m sure that is a big relief to you. Thanks again!
I’m always amazed when I see people grow up and, regardless of the environment in which they were brought up, become absolutely nothing like their parents. You’re right, children are their own people. As parents, it’s our job to guide them, to teach them, and to model for them, but none of that guarantees they’ll become what you expect or desire for them. Great thoughts.
This is just what parents need to hear!! Parenting isn’t about the kids, it’s about the parents!! I am at a conference on this EXACT topic – a great book that describes this concept in detail for parents is “Screamfree Parenting”. I am passionate about getting parents to understand this concept and calm their homes! This is the ONLY way to make a change in your home – truly!
I don’t “yell” at my (very young) kids so much as I urgently get them to stop jumping off the bed so the downstairs neighbors don’t knock on our door again. Ok so it’s yelling. Does the book address this type of thing?
By book are you referring to Screamfree Parenting? Yes, among many other things as well.