Earning your step kids’ respect can be a struggle. Sometimes, being there for them and spending time together may not be enough. Being placed on the bottom of their pedestal while you are doing everything within your power to make your family work can feel very lonely.
I remember feeling that way during my first years as a step mom. I tried to be a good mom for my step kids. The problem was I started feeling more like a doormat than a respected parental figure. I was giving too much respect and getting little in return.
In a way, it was shocking to help raise children that didn’t see me as step “mom,” after all. Instead, I was still “Melissa:” The woman their Dad married who now asked them to do their homework, help with dinner and clean their rooms.
We’ve all heard the saying: Respect is earned, not given.
I’m going to share a slightly different belief: To me, respect is the only option when it comes to creating a happy, unified home.
Disrespect between kids and adults will certainly lead to dysfunction.
To avoid that, respect and courtesy must be demanded from all.
I learned early on how easy it was to build resentment toward each other. Mr. Right helped change that. If you are a step parent, your spouse can help change it in your family, too.
How to demand respect (a guide for biological parents)
Call a family meeting. The biological parent should take the natural lead, gathering the family in a comfortable place like the kitchen table or family room. Turn off distractions like music or TV. Set some early expectations with the kids about the meeting. Tell them everyone will get a turn to speak, but ask that they simply listen when others are talking.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. Share your views on respect. Explain what respect is and why it’s important to you. Use stories from your personal experience. Next, tell the kids you expect them to respect their step parent. Give them specifics they can easily apply to their daily life like:
- I expect you to listen to your step parent. If she gives you a chore, I expect you to do it.
- I expect you to speak with respect. Even if your child doesn’t like what the step parent is saying, they should still respond with respect. Give specific examples of respectful talk versus disrespectful talk.
Zero-tolerance policy. Explain how you and their step parent are a team making sure the family runs smoothly. They are part of the team, too. If they choose to act or speak disrespectfully, you expect your spouse to tell you about it. Let the kids know you will not be happy about it, and there will be consequences.
Follow up. Now that your expectations are clear, check in with your spouse. Ask her if there are any issues and if so, address them in a family meeting setting. Be sure to take the lead as the biological parent.
Now, follow up with your child. Ask him why he isn’t following your expectations. It is important that children are heard at home, even if you disagree with their logic. Often, the child is acting out as a test, or because he feels his loyalties are divided between the bio parent and step parent.
Let the child know this is a safe place to talk about problems and feelings – but reiterate the importance of respect within the home.
Speak up. As the biological parent, speak up when you hear your child being disrespectful to their step parent. Just as you would correct their behavior toward you, it is your job to speak up when they are misbehaving toward their step parent. This will require extra effort to tune in and be aware of what is going on around you.
How to demand respect (a guide for step parents)
Support your spouse. Use his expectations as a cornerstone for raising your step kids. As often as you can, let the biological parent be “the bad guy.”
Now you can place your focus on building a positive relationship with your step kids. Do fun things with them, include them in projects and get to know each other. Yes, there are chores to be done and routines to be followed. With your spouse’s support, these things will get done and respect will become second nature. That’s the good news.
The fact is, your step kids are desperate to know they are loved and wanted. You are one of many people that can reassure them they are, each and everyday.
How have you encouraged respect within your blended family?
(photo source)
dont try to force things, but just let them know your coming from a place of love and wait for them to respond to you.
Hi Ethan,
Definitely good advice for step parents building a relationship with their step kids. Thanks for stopping by!
Melissa
Oh boy..been there, done that!
All I can say is it does get better with time- like after they have grown up
Have a great day!
Carolee
Hi Carolee,
I agree, time definitely helps. Especially having the time to form bonds – not focusing on the “parenting” part and letting bio dad step in.
Thanks for stopping by!
Melissa
Interesting perspective, Melissa. We rarely see the step-parents’ view point—or recommendations for step-parents—represented in articles like this.
Joshua Millburn
Thanks, Joshua!
Take care!
Nicely put Melissa. I wish I had read this and passed it on to my husband 10 years ago. When biological parent parents out of guilt, resentment can really build up between step-parent and step-child. It has taken awhile for my husband to understand that the expectations I have for step-son are the same for biological sons. Unfortunately, there are eight years between step-son and first bio son, so it has taken some years for him to realize this. As it stands, I still have more expectations from my nine and six year old, than my 17 year old. Can’t do over, but moving forward in a better direction – hopefully.
Hi KC,
I’m glad you’re moving in a better direction, though it can be hard for us to look back and wish we’d done things differently. The good news is you’re not alone. I think all parents, step or not, feel that way at times.
Sounds like you are a positive influence in your stepson’s life – good job!
Wishing you and your family peace,
Melissa
Hmmm… this is one I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. My boyfriend and his two kids (12 and 5) moved in 8 months ago, and really, things have been great. Neither one of them has ever disrespected me in a way that left me feeling targeted because of who I am (meaning not blood related to them). Part of that is clearly support from my boyfriend, and I think his ex has never said anything bad about me, which I think helps too, but I also think that my own level of expectation from working with kids for the last 12 years has also been a big factor. I think that I expect people (adults and kids) to treat each other (me included!) with respect, and while clearly relationships must be built and trust must be fostered, part of keeping everyone safe is setting and holding boundaries. I think that, as in classrooms, what helps is to go back to the big picture– “In this house, we don’t say mean things when we’re angry. It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to say mean things.” Sure, the situation that is happening is about me and the child in question, but the reason it’s not ok is because it’s not ok to treat anyone like that, not because of who I am specifically. Boundaries keep people and feelings safe. When the 5 year old pushes against those boundaries, he’s not doing it because he’s trying to hurt me, he’s doing it because he’s trying to figure out where I am, and who I am, and who I am in relation to him. Obviously it’s important to talk about what the expectations are with my boyfriend, and decide on consequences together, but I really believe that if I don’t hold boundaries for the kids too, it’s not as safe for them. I think the question of respect gets caught up in ego– “Am I getting respect?” implies that there’s some scale and Dad (or Mom) gets more points on that scale, and what we’re trying for is points on the scale (and thus Dad’s response is also what gets me points on the scale). I think the more pertinent questions are, “How do we treat people in this house?” and then “What happens when people don’t treat each other well?” and everyone is accountable to that– moms and dads and stepparents and kids and stepkids– not because people have certain roles, but because we’re all human beings in this together. I can’t imagine waiting for my boyfriend to come home to have a conversation if I felt like something happened between me and one of the kids that needed addressing– I feel that my responsibility as a human being is to address situations as they come up with other human beings, no matter who they are.
Hi Victoria,
I think I understand what you are saying – that respect is a life skill in society, and as step parents, it’s partly our jobs to encourage and teach this skill. I definitely agree with that. My article is more for steps who are feeling mistreated or “walked on” – that instead of fighting the battle alone, their spouse should be the one on the front lines.
In our home, the kids and I work together on these issues one on one NOW, but when things were going downhill years ago, my husband helped set the standard. It made a real difference when he told them, “This is how I expect my children to act.”
Thanks for reading. It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job raising those kids. They need you.
Melissa
As a former step-child, I was looking to see if you advocated having the stepparent treat the child with respect. Nope. Thought not. Parenting advice fail.
“Disrespect between kids and adults will certainly lead to dysfunction.
To avoid that, respect and courtesy must be demanded from all.”
That seems pretty clear to me.