Simple Marriage | adventure

Why I love being married

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Over the past few years, marriage continues to be under attack in America.

This post is not intended to open up a discussion about the legalities of marriage, I am simply taking note of all the things I love about marriage.

If you’re not married, I still think most of these apply to any important relationship in your life.

These are in no particular order and please add to the list in the comments.

Companionship
Love
Laughter
Sex
Connection
Dancing with my wife (and my kids)
Shared adventure and dreams
Passion
Friendship
Watching a movie together under a blanket
Deep conversations
Simple conversations
Hearing someone say “I love you”
Knowing the little quirks of another human being
Co-parenting our children
Being authentic
All the inside jokes between us
Memories of past experiences together
Trust
Shared values
Holding hands
Seeing her from across the crowded room
Lazy mornings together
Shared responsibilities of life
Watching football together, or any sports for that matter. (I hit the jackpot with a wife that loves sports)
Someone to challenge me to be a better man
Seeing her smile
Hearing her sing to our kids
Silliness together
Another driver on road trips
Being out of the “dating scene”
Entering a room or restaurant together
Good make out sessions
Long kisses
Back rubs
Knowing I have a partner to go through life with

What would you add for your marriage?

How to have an affair … with your spouse

Written by Corey · 9 Comments

Editor’s Note: This is an updated version of a previous post.

If you have been married for any length of time, it is likely that there have been times when passion and adventure waned. Routine, schedules, and survival becomes the focus.

There’s a reason this happens. When you first meet and fall in love with someone, your brain is flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which produces a feeling of euphoria, as well as a high sense of belonging. PEA is also found in chocolate and even some hard core drugs.

When you fall in love with someone, your brain remains flooded with PEA for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years – which is roughly the same length of time it takes to meet, date, get engaged, and get married.

It’s no wonder that so many people wake up one day after the Honeymoon and ask themselves, “Who is this person I’m married to and where did my feelings for them go?”

Once the chemically induced high of initial “love” wears off, it can’t be reproduced. But adventure and playfulness together can come close.

As marriage progresses, things will become routine. Conversations, interactions, dates, even sex.

It is during these routine times that one or both spouses may begin to wonder what else they are missing. The eyes begin to wander. Conversation with a coworker or friend of the opposite sex may get too personal or slightly cross the line into the inappropriate.

If this lingering around the line continues, an affair is a likely next step. While this affair may not be sexual or even physical, emotional affairs can still be devastating to a marriage.

The interesting thing about affairs, it’s usually not about the “other person” or even the sex – it’s more about the adventure and the risk.

So, what if you had an affair with your spouse?

9 comments, add yours

5 Keys To Building Family Memories

Written by Beth · 5 Comments

One of life’s simplest pleasures is to share an experience with our loved ones.

The great thing is that it doesn’t necessarily have to be anything complicated, expensive or time-consuming.

What it should be is memorable.

Whether the participants include your spouse, kids, parents, grandparents, or close friends, here are some easy ways to help everyone enjoy reminiscing about it for a long time.

1. Talk about your shared adventures

Everyone has a story they love to tell. Encourage each person to describe what they liked best about a specific happening. Use gatherings, such as family dinners or car trips, to reinforce memories of what you have done together. Children especially have rather short retention spans, so help them relive some of your favorite times.

My grandchildren are five and six years old and they live several states away. To maintain a closer relationship with them, we often use phone calls between visits to talk about what we have done together already or plan to do next time. One of our recurring favorite trips is to a commercial dairy farm in Indiana that has wonderful interactive exhibits for children, a birthing barn and the best ice cream ever. Each trip allows them to redo things they’ve done before and to discover new delights as they get older. Best of all, it has given us the shared adventures to relive later. Read more »

5 comments, add yours

A Good Marriage is the Enemy of a Great Marriage

Written by Corey · 17 Comments

The beginning of a new year usually includes time to dream and plan. This time can even be used to begin creating a great marriage.

When asked, most everyone will state that they want a great life – a great marriage – a great job. This is natural. It’s almost universal.

It’s an entirely different thing however to actually attain it.

The reason is simple.

Good is the enemy of great.

This also applies to marriage. A good marriage is the enemy of a great marriage.

This is why so many people wait to work on their relationship until something’s gone wrong. It’s why couples delay an average of six years after a problem occurs before they seek out professional help.

When things are good, it’s hard to find the motivation to make things great. After all, you risk screwing up the good in the process. But the problem with settling for good, at least in my opinion, is good only satisfies for so long.

So how do you move from good to great?

It doesn’t happen by chance. It takes effort. But the nice thing is, your spouse doesn’t necessarily have to be on the same page for you to be able to create a great marriage. Granted, they will have to come around eventually, but you can start without them.

Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

Read books. There are some tremendous resources that will help improve your relationship and life. While many of the books shouldn’t be taken hook, line, and sinker (except of course A Simple Marriage, wink), there are usually some great nuggets and ideas that can be applied to your situation.
Read blogs. You obviously already have a jump on many people because you’re reading Simple Marriage. But there are many other great sites that will help as well (here’s a list of 20, plus you can check out the ones on this top 10 list). The greatest thing about blogs is you can do more than just read, you can join in discussions with other readers in the comments or you can join a community and talk over life and marriage more.
Disconnect and connect. There are many people who believe in the power of the “date nights.” I like the idea as well, although I will add that you don’t have to find babysitters, get out of the house and go somewhere together. Steal time together after the kids go to bed. Play a game. Watch a movie. Head to the bedroom and lock the door. Whatever you do, do it together. No phone. No work. No kids. You can find time to connect at home if you look for it.
Find a marriage retreat or seminar. There are many churches and organizations that offer marriage retreats or seminars. I’ve been to several. Some are good, some are not. But like the marriage and relationship books out there, all of them have some nuggets to offer. If nothing else, you get time together while you’re there. In fact, if there’s enough interest, I say let’s all head to the Caribbean some time soon for a 3 – 4 day Simple Marriage Getaway. Any one else?
Share marriage with others. Live life with other people. Find other couples to hang out with. Go to dinner. Laugh. Tell stories. In other words, share your life with them. Everything is so much better when shared with others.

What if you spent one weekend every other month doing something to improve your marriage?

How can Simple Marriage help?

Photo courtesy Sir Mervs

17 comments, add yours

Move Into the Conflict and Live a Great Story

Written by Corey · 7 Comments

As 2010 begins, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story. In fact, both my wife and I are.

To build on the ideas from the previous post and the ideas presented in Donald Miller’s book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, let’s unpack this a bit more.

How is living a better story accomplished?

There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller).

The characters.
They have to want something.
They have to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
And there has to be a climactic resolution.

So how exactly does this apply to you?

Every story has a main character.

That’s you … check.

The character has to want something.

Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?

I’ll share a few things on my list. I want to have a published, best selling book written this year. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.

On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.

The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.

In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.

On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.

Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win. If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?

I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.

During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage – “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”

It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.

Conflict produces change. The truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.

So what does it look like to move into conflict?

For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.

For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster. It meant sharing with you my goals of getting my proposal done by the end of 2009 (which the first part is now in my agent’s inbox).

Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.

Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.

There has to be a climactic resolution.

This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.

Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind. Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.

This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.

Then move into the story and don’t look back.

What do you think?

Photo courtesy bartlec

7 comments, add yours

A Simple Marriage in 2010

Written by Corey · 18 Comments

I love the mountains. I love their beauty, impressiveness, challenge, and strength.

Having grown up in the plains of the midwest, where the mountains were 8 or more hours away, I loved trips to the mountains.

I’d love to live in the mountains some day.

For the past several months my wife and I have had several conversations about what we want our family to be about. What kind of story we want our family to be part of. What story we want our marriage to be.

This conversation took a more intent path when we read Donald Miller’s newest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (absolutely worth the read). Miller proposes that life is a story and many people quite frankly live in boring stories of their own writing.

For my wife and I, we began discussions about moving to the mountains as a way to write a better story. But it quickly became evident that moving may be a reaction to current life and if we did move, we’d only be changing the scenery, not the main story.

So in 2010 we are working on the main story, not the scenery (although the scenery in our home will be decluttered and simple as possible). In other words, we’re working on the main characters.

The scenery plays a minor role, the characters carry the story.

To that end, here are some questions we’ve been working through thus far.

Are you living for something more than yourself?

Much of life seems to be survival of the fittest and while self-care is essential for a life fully alive, and a marriage fully alive, it can cross the boundary to being only about ourselves easily. Being a part of something bigger than ourself is important to living a good story. Give of yourself to others, give your time to a worthy cause, help those around you.

If your life were a movie, would you want to go see it?

This same question works for marriage as well.

What do you want in life?

This is a question many people can’t answer, in fact most people wouldn’t know where to begin. To tell a great story, you must want something. So what do you want?

Do you find you avoid life’s conflict?

Life is filled with conflict, so is marriage. It’s unavoidable. Do you find that you spend a lot of time trying to avoid conflict in life and marriage? Is life at home like walking on egg-shells? If so, what does this say about the characters in your story? Move into the conflict. Face the fear of the unknown and speak up. As John Eldredge says in Wild at Heart – “Let the world feel the weight of you, and let them deal with it.”

In 2010, write a great story. Be a good character in it. And tell a great story.

_____

Join Mandi Ehman, of Organizing Your Way, all this month as she posts 31 ways of organizing for a better 2010.

Photo courtesy geoftheref

18 comments, add yours

If Your Marriage Were A Movie, Would You Want To Go See It?

Written by Corey · 12 Comments

Morning after morning, we get up to the same routine, the same job, the same chores, only to go to bed and repeat it all the next day – the next week – the next month. What would it be like to live in the epic relationships we see in movies?

I used to think there were times that my life was playing out on the big screen. My life was a movie and there were people on the other side of the screen watching it unfold.

At times, I didn’t want them watching.

Many times however, if people really were watching, they’d ask for their money back.

What if this was true for your marriage?

The idea of life as a story fascinates me. There are other things going on around us. We are not the center of the universe. We are interconnected with everything.

If life, or marriage, are a story – what kind of story are you living?

It turns out there are certain rules or principles that must be present in order for a story to be good.

There has to be a protagonist that you care about. That’s you. How well are you caring for yourself in your story?
There has to be some sort of conflict. If you’re married, this one is probably already present. Even if you’re not, life is still full of conflict. It’s unavoidable.
The story must have a climactic ending. This is not your death, it’s the milestones you achieve in life. The realization of dreams. The conquering of fears. There are many climactic endings throughout life and marriage.

12 comments, add yours