Focus on the how not the what

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What is it that creates the intensity in certain conversations with your spouse?

What moves a conversation between two people from the issue at hand into personal meltdown?

Emotional reactivity.

But this isn’t all bad, emotional reactivity also turns out to be nature’s way of informing us of where we are on the path of emotional maturity (another way of thinking about growing up and differentiation).

One of the measuring tools for getting clear about how much growing up you have to do is time to reactivity – how quickly do you lose it?

How easy is it to push your buttons?

How many buttons do you have that can be pushed?

How often do you stoop to pushing your partner’s buttons – either to have it your way or just to keep them from having it their way?

Usually the issue (call it the what) triggers some difference between you and your spouse that creates tension – more for one spouse and less for the other. The more important the what is to you, the quicker you become emotionally reactive.

Your energy will be intensely focused on the outcome of the what – either by getting what you want, or by getting your spouse to validate your wants.

A major shift can occur when you “get it” – the what is actually an indicator of your emotional maturity.

At this point, you have two choices – Read more »

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You Cannot Not Communicate

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The number one issue voiced by most couples is, “We have trouble communicating.”

It’s a common complaint.

And many couples think they would benefit from some communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.”

While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience – the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other. If that were indeed the case then you would have very little to argue about.

Communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels.

You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

Read more »

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How To Keep Arguments From Escalating

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As you go through life and learn the various tasks involved in growing up, perhaps one of the most anticipated task in life is learning to drive. Do you remember how much you looked forward to the freedom driving would afford you? I do.

While learning to drive, one important lesson you must learn is how to stop the car. It’s the first thing you’re taught. There are even cars you drive while learning that have an extra brake pedal on the passenger’s side. The reason – learning to apply the brakes is vitally important to all those in the car, and around the car.

Putting on the brakes is an important skill in marriage and relationships as well.

When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot or you find you’re both in a cycle of blame and defensiveness, you can often prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. Marriage researcher John Gottman calls these brakes – repair attempts. And they’re the secret weapon of happy couples.

Marriages that are built on and sustain a good marital friendship are not devoid of arguing and disagreements. In fact, 69% of the problems in marriage are perpetual. Repair attempts, when used well is the secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand.

There are two key factors in determining whether repair attempts are successful:

  1. The current state of the relationship.
  2. The ability of the attempt to get through to your partner.

Let me give you an example. Bob and Susan are in a heated discussion about an upcoming family move. They see eye to eye on where they want to live, how to set up the house (mostly), and where to put the kids in school. They are drawing the battle lines over the set up of the family room. Susan thinks they should use their current TV and stereo system while Bob wants to jump at the chance of upgrading to the system he’s had his eye on for some time now. It’s not extravagant and they have the money from the sale of their current home. The more they talk, the louder it gets.

A passer-by, if they overheard the argument, may think they have no hope of a lasting marriage. Then all of the sudden, Susan puts her hands on her hips in perfect imitation of their 4 year old daughter, and proceeds to stick out her tongue. Since Bob knows she’s about to do this, he beats her to it by sticking out his tongue first. They both start laughing. This silliness defuses the tension between them.

Repair attempts are any statement or action – silly or otherwise – that prevents negativity from spiraling out of control. When a couple has a solid foundation together and a good friendship with each other, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly receiving those sent their way. If a couple is negatively locked down with each other, even a blatant repair attempt of “Hey, I’m sorry” will have trouble getting through.

What determines the success of repair attempts is the strength of the marital friendship.

Everyone has room to grow and improve when it comes to strengthening the state of the marital friendship. This is not as easy as simply being “friendly” or “nice.” It involves your own personal growth and emotional maturity, as well as your spouse’s (although they’re responsible for themselves in this area).

You can begin by learning to recognize the repair attempts as they happen between you. Sometimes these attempts are missed because they don’t come sugarcoated. A heated “Why are you changing the subject” or “Can’t we discuss this later” is still a repair attempt and is often overlooked.

One of the best strategies to begin with is to make your attempts obvious and formal. Statements like “this is getting out of hand, can we discuss this later” or “can I take that last statement back, I’m sorry” can go a long way in smoothing the waters between you. You could even go as obvious as “Hey, what follows is a repair attempt.”

If you’re on the receiving end of a repair attempt, your job is to simply try and accept it. Confront you own anxieties and tension from the discussion and plan to come together to discuss more at a later time.

For more, check out How To Fight in Marriage and the idea of the physiological response to a perceived threat – Flooding. If you are currently in negative override, How to Say I’m Sorry will be worth the read again.

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Are You Making These Marriage Mistakes?

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mistake

Over 15 years of my life has been spent in marriage. Overall, these years have been good, if not great at times. There are other times however, when marriage has been anything but good. Sadly, a majority of these times where brought on by my own stupidity.

I’ve made many of the following mistakes throughout the course of my marriage. Thankfully I have a loving and forgiving wife.

As a rule, remember that everyone makes mistakes. Every marriage  has arguments. Every marriage also has highs and lows.

The important thing is, how the ebb and flow of marriage is addressed.

We’ve written before about the marriage killers as well as the secret to a lasting marriage, but how the mistakes we make in marriage are addressed is key to improving your relationship. These repair attempts and bids for relationship are an important part of a fulfilling marriage for both partners.

We’ll cover the idea of repair attempts and relationship bids in coming posts, until then, let’s look at the common mistakes made in marriage. Read more »

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Flooding – Stop to Start

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flood

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Changing behavior often begins with an end- we have to STOP a negative behavior in order to effectively START a positive behavior.

  • STOP spending in order to START saving
  • STOP eating doughnuts in order to START losing weight
  • STOP sleeping late in order to START going to the gym
  • STOP watching TV in order to START a project
  • STOP talking contemptuously to your spouse in order to START building a marriage that matters

So we STARTED the year focusing on what has to STOP by looking at the impact of the Four Horsemen, harsh start up, and body language on the state of our marriages.

Another behavior that needs to stop is emotional flooding – the fourth divorce predictor based on Dr. John Gottman’s research.

Flooding is your physiological reaction to a perceived threat. The threat can be real, it can be an old tape replaying [a pattern], or it can be imagined. Automatic, instinctive, reactive processes [emotions] rush in to protect you from threat.

You remember what being flooded feels like, don’t you? Read more »

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A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take A Walk

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walktalk

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

In the previous post we discussed The Art of Marital Conversation. After reading you and your spouse may have decided to have a face to face talk about one (or more) of the enduring problem areas in your relationship. In spite of your best efforts, things took a turn for the worse.

What happened?

Part of the answer might be found in the childhood expression, “Monkey see, monkey do.” It turns out that our brains are hard wired to mirror what we see.

You’ve read this before and it’s worth repeating, in marriage (or any
relationship) you cannot NOT communicate.

Some experts attribute up to 55% of communication as nonverbal body language and descriptions of that includes: Read more »

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How To Fight In Marriage: Start Well – End Well

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Two weeks ago we took a look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the relationship pattern identified by Dr. John Gottman as most likely to kill love and destroy a marriage.

To continue this topic, let’s explore how you fight?

  • Conflict avoiders - We never fight. I never once heard a cross word between my mom and dad.
  • Volatile - Like cats and dogs. We fight all the time, over anything and everything. But we love to make up.
  • Validators - Sometimes I win – sometimes he wins. We try to fight fair.

Remember that human behavior is knowable, observable, and predictable?

Here’s something you can know – Women are the ones who start conversations about problems!

  • When are you going to finish cleaning out the garage?
  • What’s wrong with your mother?
  • You have to do something about the kids.
  • You’re never home any more.
  • You need to ask for a raise.
  • When are we ever going to go on vacation again?

You can be sure that our husbands already know this about us. It’s in our nature – we are more relationally oriented.

There are two kinds of problems in marriage – those that can be resolved and those that can’t. The bad news is that two-thirds of marriage problems are not resolvable. Read more »

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