Save Your Family Stories NOW

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

Four years ago, I became a Personal Historian, after taking some creative writing and memoir writing classes and joining the Association of Personal Historians (APH).

As I started to get more clients, I noticed a disturbing trend: my subjects had a tendency to die.

Most of the life stories I’ve written have been about elderly people. I learned very quickly to determine the most important topics to be covered before staring any interviews, and then address them first. Obviously, none of us know just how long we’ll live, but older people most likely have less time remaining. However, we can lose anyone at any age.

By the end of my first year in business, I was becoming discouraged—not because I didn’t have enough clients, but because the majority of them had passed away. To be honest, I almost felt like the Grim Reaper.

For a while, I contemplated whether this was the right field. During the interviewing and writing processes, it was easy for me to get involved with my subjects, through the good and the bad in their lives. When they died, it was heartbreakingly sad.

One of my clients died very suddenly, but peacefully, while watching her favorite television program. I had just completed the interviews and written her story; all that remained was to finish pulling in the scanned photographs. After talking to the daughter who had commissioned me, we decided to complete her mother’s story in a booklet and give it to the family members, which I did two days later.

At the wake the next day, the family made me feel that my efforts were not only worthwhile, they were greatly appreciated. Without the stories I had preserved, the children and grandchildren would never have known some of the details from the woman’s life.

I continue to write life stories for people and encourage them to write their own. The important thing is to preserve those precious family stories before they are lost forever. None of us know exactly how much time we have. Here are some suggestions to help you start saving your own family stories now, while you still can.

Record Them
When you start working on your own family stories, I do strongly recommend getting a digital recorder, which is small, unobtrusive & fairly inexpensive. Mine is a Sony ICD-P520, which is less than $50 on Amazon.com. Another nice feature is that you can use the USB to load it to your computer and create CDs. Once you have a recording, you can also transcribe it into a Word document.

Prioritize Subjects
If you want to capture stories and folklore from the elderly, I urge you to start right away. You never know when they (or perhaps just their minds) may be suddenly taken away. Whenever you get a group of people together, encourage them to talk about their experiences. If possible, record them talking, but if not, then take notes to expand later.

Writing Journal
Keep a writing journal to remind yourself of stories you want them to talk about, or events you recall yourself. Use photos & memorabilia to help them reminisce. That often has a starburst effect – one memory leads to three others and each of them to several more. It is a wonderful way to keep expanding their legacy.

Helpful Websites
Here are some of my favorite websites to help you get started. And of course, my book has some excellent ideas on how to capture your family stories.

About.com: Genealogy website has a list of 50 questions to help on interviews.

Ancestry.com: This website says, “Feel free to print and distribute” a Script for Video or Audio Interviews with Family Members.

Bethlamie.com: My website, where you can sign up for a free monthly newsletter (via email) with tips on writing family history.

One Story at a Time: My blog with writing suggestions and examples of family stories.

Association of Personal Historians (APH), which offers an anthology of personal stories.

Cyndi’s List.com: More than 200,000 website links to help with genealogy and family history.

Grandparents TLC.com: This site offers “Technology to Help Loving Grandparents Connect with Grandchildren!”

Smithsonian Institute: This booklet in PDF format explains how to get started with interviews, sample questions and additional resources.

Story of My Life.com: Free private website to easily gather all your family stories from friends and family and invite participation from around the world.

However you decide to start your own family stories, please start sooner rather than later. When something happens to one of your loved ones, you’ll be glad to have a keepsake of them.

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How to Handle Discipline in a Blended Family

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Post written by Blended Family columnist Melissa Gorzelanczyk of Peace & Projects.

Let’s talk about discipline.

It’s a difficult subject for blended families.

Divorce or separation creates chaos in the family. Rules and expectations often become a gray area for the kids, especially during the transition time. To make it even more confusing, kids are moved from one household to the next, usually on a weekly basis. If the separated parents agree on how to raise the child, that’s excellent. Unfortunately, this is not often the case.

When Mom or Dad remarries, what role do stepparents play in discipline?

Experts recommend letting the biological parent be the direct disciplinarian.

This is great in theory.

I’ve found it doesn’t always make sense. Some behaviors need an immediate response. If I’m home with the kids, it’s my job to stop bad behavior and support Mr. Right’s house rules. Sometimes, no matter what the experts say, it’s my job to discipline the children.

We’ve learned a lot about how to handle discipline over the years. We’ve made mistakes – and made adjustments from there. Here are some guidelines to help you handle discipline in your blended family:

Define your role, together.

Talk to your spouse about what he envisions your role will be with the step children. You should both be very specific. Ask questions. Will you be scheduling their doctor’s appointments? Will you be overseeing their daily homework? What happens if expectations aren’t met? Should you tell your spouse, or enforce the consequence on your own?

By discussing your role, you have a road map to help you define it in the years to come. It’s taken 5 years of marriage for me to feel mostly comfortable in my role as a stepparent. The beginning was extremely hard. The good news is, it gets better. Talking about your role will help the process.

Rules and expectations

These have to be clear for everyone, kids included. First, create some house rules with your spouse. Write them down. I would recommend keeping them simple so the kids aren’t overwhelmed. Some basic rules to consider are things like:

  • Speak, act and treat people with respect.
  • Listen to parents.
  • Be kind.
  • Clean up after self.
  • Talk about problems.
  • Work hard.

Defining this list lets everyone know what’s expected. The biological parent should lead a family meeting to discuss the expectations. Now, your step kids won’t be as surprised – or take it personally – when they lose TV privileges for breaking a house rule.

Consequences

Just like an adult that gets a speeding ticket, your kids’ actions have a consequence. In our home, when the kids break a house rule, there’s a consequence for that choice. It helps to let them know what the consequences are. Our children are at the ages where privileges are lost as a consequence. That might mean:

  • No TV
  • No video games
  • Grounded to the house
  • Early bed
  • No phone
  • No weekend plans

You and your spouse should discuss reasonable consequences for breaking the rules. Get on the same page.

Handling backlash

I’m not sure how many times my kids have said, “You’re not even my real mom.” It’s happened a lot. And it hurts.

Here are a few good ways to respond:

  • “I’m your parent.” Leave it at that.
  • “I feel unappreciated when you say things like that.”
  • “That’s disrespectful and I don’t like it.” If you can, walk away until emotions cool down.
My advice is: Don’t engage in a power struggle with your step kids over hurtful statements. You are a parent and an authority figure in the home. That’s not something you’re going to debate with them. As for your hurt feelings, a walk, snuggle with the dog or glass of wine helps.

Asking for help

Sometimes, stepparents are doing too much. If you are overwhelmed and your home is a battlefield, it might be time to ask your spouse for extra support.

Maybe you just need to talk, or your spouse might need to take drastic measures, like giving up a hobby so he can be home to handle the kids more. First and foremost, you are his wife, and luckily for him, also his partner to help raise the kids. Feeling supported as a wife needs to come first.

Reality

Helping to raise my step kids is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. No one is perfect. All we can do is try. What I do know is that when applied, the tips above bring peace to me. That helps bring balance to everything – our marriage, relationships with the kids and taking care of myself, too. My wish is that all stepparents can feel that way.

How involved are you with disciplining your stepchildren?

(photo source)

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Bucket Lists for Your Family

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

You’ve probably seen or heard about the recent Rob Reiner movie called The Bucket List with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. In case you haven’t, take a moment to check out its trailer on You Tube here.

The premise of the movie is that two older gentlemen each have terminal cancer. While in the hospital, Morgan Freeman’s character recalled a class assignment from a college professor to make a list of all the things they wanted to do in their lives before they died, i.e., kick the bucket.

Jack Nicholson’s character, a wealthy but irascible old man, was intrigued by the list Morgan started. They decided to take off together on the vacation of a lifetime to drive racecars, go skydiving, and see all the things in the world they had missed. Of course, by the end of the movie, they each acknowledged the importance of family over everything else.

Since seeing the movie when it first came out, I think of that list each time I lose a friend or family member. Did they accomplish their goals? I’m reminded of how important it is to make the most of every single day. We never know how much time we will have on earth. So how do we keep our lives in perspective?

Create a Bucket List for yourself or your family. It can help you prioritize all your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. You can also include some of the lovely inspirational messages, such as: Stop to smell the roses;  Don’t count your days, make your days count; Miracles happen to those who believe in them; Never settle for anything less than your best; Count your blessings, not your troubles; Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Start making your Bucket List today—you don’t need to wait until you are dying. You can easily include both long-term and short-term goals. You’ll discover things to do with your individual family, your larger family entity, your spouse, and even by yourself. Discussing your list with your family and friends allows everyone to not only participate in the planning aspects, but also to share in the satisfaction of their accomplishment.

Think about what experiences you want to share with your family. If you’ve always dreamed of taking them to Alaska, the Grand Canyon, or Disney World, put it on your list. When goals are written down, they are much more likely to happen than if they remain a nebulous idea. Too often, people talk about wanting to do something “one of these days”, but by not setting specific goals, those dreams just fade away.

Travel adventures are a wonderful way to keep your family connected at any age, but they don’t need to become elaborate affairs. A night camping out in the backyard with a pup tent and roasting marshmallows over an open fire can create vivid memories for young children that will last a lifetime. Spending an hour in the backyard watching the stars with a loved one is another delightful way to end a day.

When you write your Bucket List, sprinkle in a variety of goals that can be more easily achieved, such as a walk in the woods, a trip to the zoo, flying a kite, taking a family bike trip, building a birdhouse together, or reading a favorite book. Doing so will establish family traditions that can be repeated many times and built upon each year.

As a Personal Historian, I encourage you to preserve all your precious memories in some way. Talking about them is always great, but you can keep them more permanently by recording them in crayon drawings, in photographs, on an audio recorder or a camcorder, in a scrapbook, or in a lovely memory box with souvenirs of your activities.

Another idea to add to your Bucket List is to write your Ethical Will and update it on a regular basis, say every five years, or after milestone events. An ethical will is a love letter or non-legal legacy to your family, where you share your personal values, your heritage and family stories, the life lessons you’ve learned, advice to share, and your hopes for the future.

Regardless of how elaborate your Bucket List becomes, make the most of every day. Someday, when you may know your days are numbered, you don’t want to say you wish you had done something. Do it now, before it’s too late.

Do you have a Bucket List? If so, what types of items does it contain? I’d love to hear about your experiences.

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Are you a cool parent?

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I haven’t written on parenting in a while … the reason is simple, I believe when you focus on your marriage first – your kids reap the benefit.

The greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.

Let me say that again, the greatest thing you can do for your kids is learn to focus on yourself.

Who would you say is in charge in most families?

Is it the parents or the kids?

In America, the answer is the latter. Take a look around at the cars beside you as you drive down the road. The stickers plastered on the back window and bumpers tell the tale of child focus as the latest status symbol in America. We’re broadcasting our Trophy Kids, the same way we broadcast our affluence by wearing labels with someone else’s name all over our clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.

Think of the time spent running kids to and from one event to the next (some days I fell like that’s all I do). Our days are filled with events geared solely for the kids.  Family life in America has moved from “Children should be seen and not heard” to “No adult conversation possible.” And the kids know it too.

Who’s in charge? Who gets their way? What is the organizing force in family life – the life of the adults . . . or the kids?

Is it possible that too much focus can be on the kids? Absolutely!

And it’s this over-focus that is harmful to them, the family… and you.

Here’s something you may not know – the kids that function best in life – in relationships, education, careers – are the kids that were most free of child focus during their growing up years.

Child focus can be negative – the scapegoated kid who can do nothing right — or positive – the golden child who can do no wrong.

The results of either kind of child focus are a lifetime of struggle.

The kid left to find his/her own way [NOT absent affection and NOT neglected] is the one best prepared to deal directly with life.

I know you’ve been there. A couple of years ago, I’m walking down the isle of Target with my 3 and 1 1/2 year old. Now possibly this was set up because I was allowing them to walk rather than ride, but no matter.

As we progress through the isles, wouldn’t you know it that something caught my 3 year olds eye. I can’t remember what it was but it must have been pink and princessey. She made sure I saw it as well and then the negotiations commenced (it’s quite amazing that a 3 year old is such a good negotiator).

So here I am, battling it out in the court room of the isle at Target. And it’s starting to intensify.

“Honey, put that back, we’re not going to buy that toy.”

“But I need this daddy!”

“No honey, you don’t.”

And we’re off.

You know where this is heading. The tears soon follow (from her, not me, although there are times I wish I could) and the tantrum pressure cooker is warming up. I’m beginning to feel trapped.

Add to this pressure building inside myself, I’m a licensed family therapist, my skills are now on display for all of Target to see.

What the kids need at a moment like this is a parent who can keep his cool. A parent able to calm himself down allows a child to explore his or her full range of emotions without spiraling out of control.

What happens with many of the blow ups between parent and child is the result of parents who lose their cool.

When a parent reacts on the level of the child, it’s bound to go bad.

What do you do?

  1. Focus more on yourself. This is not at the cost of others, it’s FOR others. When you are at your best, you are able to give the best of yourself to others.
  2. Do what you need to calm down without taking it out on the kids. Start by taking several deep breaths. Get a drink of water. Walk a short distance from your child, or to another room and calm down. Not every situation needs to be addressed immediately.
    In fact, one of the great tools for misbehavior is the delayed consequence. This gives you time to calm down and think things through. You might even collaborate with a few friends about what would be an appropriate consequence for the given situation. Meanwhile, your child has the opportunity to think about what’s to come, thus increasing the weight of the bad choice. This works well with older kids and teenagers. Remember, you’re not raising a puppy and you don’t have to catch them in the act in order for an appropriate consequence to teach a valuable life lesson.
  3. Let the child handle more of their own problems. When a child comes to you needing help with their homework, what do you do? Do you do it for them? One of the main things growing up entails is struggle, and the struggle to grow up continues across our lifespan. Homework is supposed to be difficult. Learning to accomplish any task takes effort and work. The more a parent clears the path for the child, the more unprepared for the real world the child becomes. It’s important to be alongside them through their struggle, but as a support, not a snowplow.
  4. Let natural consequences teach the lessons. Give up the goal of being liked by your kids – parenting is not a popularity contest – it’s not for wimps – it’s a sacred charge to be in charge. Let the consequences do the screaming. They didn’t do their homework, let the low score teach the lesson. Meanwhile, you are an understanding and empathetic ear for them to talk to. You get to support them, not necessarily their choice.
(photo source)

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Ethical Wills – Love Letters to Your Family

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Post written by Home and Family columnist Beth LaMie.

An Ethical Will is a simple way to share what is important to you with your family and friends. In fact, it can be a legacy of love and a spiritual gift for your loved ones to remember you by. Many people think about writing an Ethical Will when they are nearing the end of their life. In reality, such wills should ideally be an ongoing practice.

Think about what you wish you knew about your parents, grandparents, and other ancestors. For example, why did they uproot their lives to emigrate from one country to another, such as the original Pilgrims; or from one area of a country to another, such as the pioneers who endured hardships to settle the West in the United States? What personal experiences had the greatest impact on their lives? Those are the types of things about yourself that you can share with your own descendants and friends.

If you knew ahead of time when your life was going to end, what words of wisdom and comfort would you want to leave for your family?

You may have a Last Will and Testament for the legal allocation of your accumulated possessions, as well as a Living Will with instructions for handling medical concerns, but an Ethical Will gives your family a better understanding of who you are, what is important to you, and what you hope to pass on to them.

Consider starting an Ethical Will as soon as possible, regardless of your age.

Update it regularly after, or in preparation for, major milestones, such as graduations, marriage and divorce, births and deaths, personal achievements and disasters. Reviewing each version can show how much you have changed and grown over the years.

One of the most rewarding writing workshops I’ve done was for a group of high school seniors at an inner city school in Dublin, Ireland.

When we talked about Personal Values, they readily opened up about what was important to them, how they had learned them, and from whom. Some students were normally quite reticent about sharing their thoughts or participating in classroom discussions; fortunately, this topic struck a chord with them and helped them open up.

There are no hard and fast rules for the content of an Ethical Will, but usually they consist of some or all of the following elements:

  1. Greetings
  2. Your History – Past & Present
  3. Personal Values
  4. Lessons from Life Experiences
  5. Hopes for the Future
  6. Final Thoughts

The specific format of your Ethical Will is insignificant compared to the priceless legacy you leave. Whether you choose to write it or record it electronically, you have several options.

  1. The oldest method, used for some 3500 years by the Jewish community, is to write it on paper; now it is easy to enter it into one of many word processors on a computer.
  2. Other options are to create an audio recording, perhaps reading one’s own Ethical Will aloud, or using a camcorder to capture not only the person’s voice, but their image as well.
  3. Artistic people may prefer to take a less traditional path to create an expression of who they are. They may enjoy painting, weaving, writing poetry, scrapbooking, photography, or a vast variety of other media.

Long-term storage is important to consider, regardless of the recording method used. For example:

  1. Electronic data storage is continually evolving. Media used years ago, such as floppy disks or 8-track tapes, have not only deteriorated, they cannot easily be heard now due to the rarity of equipment. Here is an interesting website that lists all the retro medias that
    have become obsolete, courtesy of the University At Buffalo Libraries.
  2. Photographs and papers can last over 100 years, depending on storage. Hard drives last 5-8 years at best. If you write or print your Ethical Will, make certain you use archival paper; in addition, store it in a safe place away from heat, light, and humidity.
  3. Keep a copy of your Ethical Will at home as a personal reminder of who you are and what you have accomplished. It can be uplifting on those days when you need a little lift.

When to share your Ethical Will with your family and friends is another consideration.

  1. Ideally, the sooner an Ethical Will is shared with loved ones, the better. Doing so can be an excellent opportunity to grow closer to the people who matter most. It can also establish a line of communication that might otherwise not be possible.
  2. Many people prefer to save their Ethical Will until after they have passed away. They may choose to have it read at their wake, funeral, or memorial service. In this case, it is especially important that the Ethical Will be given to a specific person who is charged with its dissemination at a designated time.
  3. Review your Ethical Will regularly, such as every five years. Think of it as a work in progress, rather than a one-time occurrence. It is interesting to see how your values and advice for others may have changed over the years.

There are many excellent sources for more details about writing your Ethical Will, including the Association of Personal Historians and Barry Baines, M.D..

In addition, we will discuss in a future column how to get started on your own Ethical Will.

Have you considered writing an Ethical Will? If so, what are your thoughts and concerns about them? We love to get you input and feedback!

(photo source)

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A sure fire way to improve marriage … play

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Play has become a lost art in the adult world. Perhaps even in the kid world … play may not be what it used to be.

Gone are the days of tag, chase, tackle the man with the ball, dodgeball, and the like. Also gone are the “dangerous toys” like the metal Tonka trucks that are indestructible, the monkey bars that tower into the air, the tree house built way up in the tree with a homemade zip line going into the garage, and the metal slide that’s 4 stories tall with no side-rails and several bumps on the way down. Okay so the last one may be a bit of an exaggeration but it’s not far off.

Play serves a great purpose.

Remember when you used to call up your friends or head over to their house and greet them with “wanna play?” It didn’t matter what you played, you’d make it up.

Today it seems that play is all but dead. Especially in the adult world. Even parenting has been impacted.

Parenting often becomes more about the child’s achievement and directing towards goals – be it the child’s – or far more likely the parent’s goals.

Schools are doing away with recess in the belief that giving up play time will allow more time for study. Even preschoolers are not immune to this shift.

Through the 80’s and 90’s a 4 billion dollar industry sprang up … tutoring. With 26% of it being devoted for 2 to 6 year olds. Babies … who should be spending more time in imaginative play than structured learning.

Play develops a child’s cognitive skills.

By play, I mean true child directed play: free, unstructured play where the kids invent the activities that reflect their own curiosities and interests.

Too many children are parentified, or expected to become adults too fast. And too many adults have added too many stipulations and parameters to play – in short, they’ve lost the art of play.

Play is critical in a child’s life. According to David Elkind, play is vital in teaching a child how to control himself and interact with others.

But play is also important in the adult world.

It opens to door to new solutions and creative sparks. It adds passion and energy to life and marriage.

Researcher Jaak Panksepp believes play turns on hundreds of genes in the brain. Specifically, play stimulates neurogenesis to hasten the development of the frontal cortex in the brain.

Play is vital to the development of our children and the health of our families, but it is also vital to us as adults.

So what can you do today?

  1. Encourage your kids to play with other kids. This may seem like a no-brainer, but it doesn’t seem to happen that often. Many parentified children would rather play with adults than other kids. While this may seem mature and grown-up, anytime a kid plays with an adult, imagination and leadership skills are stifled. Adults often take charge or limit the imagination because we can’t compete with a child’s imagination level. When you do play with a child, let go of your imagination restrictions and let them take the lead. When they want you to be a princess or a prince who helps tame the nice dragon so you can fight the mean one, do it!
  2. Play with your kids everyday for at least 30 minutes. Spend time as a family playing. One of my favorite times each day is the wrestling time I get with my daughter and son. My son, before he could even talk, would walk over to the floor and point meaning “it’s time to wrestle dad!” Before long, my daughter and my wife would be in the mix. Now that he’s almost 4 he just runs and jumps on me anytime I’m within range. It’s a great bonding time as well as a testing of my children’s strength and abilities.
  3. Take your kids out of school for a day. You don’t have to do this too often, but take your kids someplace instead of school. You could even incorporate some learning opportunities into this. Visit the zoo, the aquarium, local museums, or galleries. You could even go to the park. Give them an unexpected break from their normal structure and spend the time together.
  4. Play with your spouse. Pull out the games after the kids are in bed, or go outside and build a snowman together. Point is, you don’t have to be structured in every aspect of your life … just play.

Now … off you go. Have fun storming the castle!

(photo source)

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New Beginnings and Second Chances

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Post written by mom and parenting columnist Susan Heid of The Confident Mom.

Change always comes bearing gifts.  ~ Price Pritchett

My life has been in ‘change’ mode for the past two months – change that has been anticipated, prayed for and welcomed with big smiles – but change none the less.

Change is hard.

Change is sometimes exhausting.

Change allows you the chance to begin again.

When my husband and I married 3 ½ years ago, we knew we were not going to have more children  – it was clear.  I came into the marriage with two of my own and he had one, so a nice blended family – that was our plan.

Funny how “our plan” always seem to change.

Not long after we married it was laid on my heart to adopt.  I had NEVER had this notion, desire or thought before.  It caught me off-guard, I mean … my husband and I had great plans to parent our children and then have years of child-free bliss, traveling and focusing on ourselves.

How perfect is that?

One day during lunch, I decided to share with him what had been on my heart.  As funny as it sounds, my husband was also given the adoption tug at the same time I was, although we were thousands of miles apart.  After several months of struggling and resisting, we opened up a new chapter of our lives.

We have decided to go the route of “foster to adopt” rather than adopting foreign and waiting for an infant.  There are so many children just waiting and needing homes locally and our desire was to fulfill what God had put together for our lives, not box Him in with all our requirements or desires.  So we have traveled this journey, allowing God to decide who would come into our home and whom we could bless.

The interesting thing is, we have been the ones who have been blessed beyond belief or imagination.  Changing me, changing my husband, changing our family.

Our first placement was last summer, we got a call to take a newborn and he came into our home.  He was here only 3 weeks and circumstances beyond our control took him closer to where his mother lived, so he left, taking a piece of our hearts with him.  I didn’t think I could ever say goodbye, but we did and are changed for the better – as a family, a couple and individuals.

So we waited again … wondering when the call would come.  Anxious, excited and nervous to start this chapter of our lives together, we just waited.  It was just like anticipating the delivery date, except you really have no idea who is coming.

The call came … they needed a family with older children to take placement of a 12 month old little boy.  I could hardly believe it!

We finished construction in the nick of time to add a fifth bedroom in order to accommodate one more to our family.  In the storyline of this entire journey, everything has just been in the nick of time – funny how that works!

My role as a mom has changed,  less sleep, more hugging, more kissing boo boo’s, yes … change is good.  Change is needed.  Change brings reflection and new perspective.

This little guy we call Foster “J” (that is his new rapper name, given by our 14 year old son)  has been with our family nearly 2 months and as far as we are concerned he is here to stay ‘forever.’  That may not be God’s plan, but as a mother I have to open my heart to that level and give this little boy all that I have.  Even if he does not stay, I know that he needs all that I can give him.

This is how I am being blessed by him.

I have had to learn to slow down and take the time needed to be more than just the laundry person, house keeper and short order cook.  My role as a mother is so much more in the eyes of this little guy.  It has brought me back to understanding my role and what even my older kids need from me.

You see I had gotten caught up in the routine, the busy day-to-day life that keeps everyone going in different directions and I missed some of the good stuff.

Laughing till your gut hurts as Foster “J” smears spaghetti all over his face at dinner.

Watching Foster “J” take his first steps.

Having Foster “J” call me “mama”.

Watching him laugh uncontrollably as my son chases him around the coffee table.

I have another opportunity to let it sink in …

There is nothing that could have brought our family together like this little guy has done.  Being a blended family brings it’s own challenges, but this little guy has united us like nothing else could.

You see, he is not a “hers” or a “his”, Foster “J” is an “ours”.  He is connecting us together in a way none of us ever could have on our own.

Change is good and in our case, He did come bearing gifts – even more than we have even begun to imagine.

(photo source)

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The Art and Importance of Story Time with Dad

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Post written by fatherhood columnist Dean Mehrkens of homeSTRONG.

Kids love a bedtime story. Parents understand the importance of language development and the depth of bonding that can happen over time. However, we often find ourselves reading them their favorite story until they’ve memorized every page and we want to jab a pencil into our eye-sockets for some kind of relief.

While some might not be driven to the point of an at-home lobotomy, we do find ourselves phoning it in, and the kids can tell. When you’re reading sounds less like the exciting tale they remember from last night and more like Eeyore on Valium, nobody wins.

What should be a great time of bonding becomes a time of frustration for both parent and child. But story time doesn’t have to, and really shouldn’t, be a painful thing. It just needs some spicing up.

One of my favorite ways to spice up story time is to put the book down, assume the story teller’s position (feet shoulder width apart, knees bent, eyes wide, ready for action), and start talking. That’s right; I’m talking about telling a story instead of just reading one.

I know this idea just turned many of your faces pale and pulled your stomach into your chest. But there’s nothing to be afraid of. Story telling isn’t hard, and in a surprisingly short amount of time, the embarrassment fades too. Here are some tips to get you started.

1. Don’t Be Afraid

There’s nothing to fear. Kids are not only very forgiving; they’re probably not expecting much. They know you’re a computer programmer or doctor or whatnot. They’re not expecting you to be J.R.R. Tolkien. They’re expecting you to be their dad, telling a story only you can tell, in a way only you can tell it. Its about being together, not creating a masterpiece.

2. Remember the Goal

The goal here isn’t to tell a great story, but to tell an engaging one. It doesn’t matter if Larry’s a plumber at the start of the book and is a chef by the end. What matters is that your kids are interested enough to pay attention to you. Just be with those kids, interacting with them, and enjoy the time while it’s still there to enjoy.

3. Nail the Details

Stories are interesting if they form a clear picture in our mind. Don’t describe the setting as a small house, but as a small house with *insert details here*. A small house with flower print curtains? A small house with a jell-o floor? A small house with 17 children devoted to synchronized swimming? If you throw in one or two vivid details, all stories come alive. And not just in the mind of the hearer, but in the mind of the storyteller as well, which makes your job a lot easier.

4. It’s Okay to Suck

Your story will be terrible, and that’s just fine. Your story doesn’t even have to have a beginning, middle, and end. Some stories go on for days, others end abruptly, and others have no point at all. Let it be whatever it wants to be, as long as you’ve captured their attention in the process.

5. Morals Shmorals

Some parents try to use story time as a time to teach morals. That’s a great idea, if you can do it well. Most of us can’t. If you’re like me and can’t skillfully work a moral into the story, don’t worry about it. You’d be hard pressed trying to find a moral to Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin, Hansel and Gretel, or most of the classic stories we tell our kids. But that doesn’t stop us from telling them.

6. Presentation Matters

Kids are energized by seeing their parents excited about something. They’ll be hanging on your every word if you put some passion into your storytelling. Make it seem like an interesting story and it will become an interesting story, in their eyes, at least.

I’m sure I’m not the only dad who puts some effort into story time. What have you tried that I’ve failed to mention?

(photo source)

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