I just want to be happy

Written by · 11 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan.

Every person seeks happiness.

You hear it all the time, “I just want to be happy.”

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained.

One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered.

Perhaps this is a major contributor to the state of our society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed.

If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase.

The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now.

It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will.

If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will.

If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be.

It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life.

It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally?

What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me.

My perspective of things will influence the results.

My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness?

If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this:

What am I grateful for in my life?

What are my successes or wins lately?

When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things I currently possess.

Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now.

I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down.

We live life at a fast enough speed as it is.

Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty.

Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding.

Do you know where you really want to go?

What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you?

Enjoy the things going on in life right now.

Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now.

Happiness is not something out there, its inside.

Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into.

By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

(photo source)

11 comments, add yours

The importance of dreaming together

Written by · 19 Comments

Post written by dates and romance columnist Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship.

Picture a couple in their mid-twenties on their very first date. They’re standing in line for the Splash Mountain ride at Disneyland.

If you get in a little closer, you’ll hear the guy telling the girl all about one of his most cherished dreams that he wants to accomplish in the future. He’s rambling on and on about all of the specific details of his dream. If you look at the girl, you’ll see she’s listening to every word, and somehow, deep down, wants to be part of that dream.

That couple was me and my (future) wife. Somehow, my dream resonated strongly with her. She’s told me that it was at that moment, on our very first date, that she knew there was something more to us than just a fun first date.

What Does it Mean to Dream?

I’m not referring to the dreams you have while sleeping. I’m referring the dreams that you share together as a couple. You could also call them aspirations, goals, plans, even desires.

These dreams are often shared with each other even before you get married. In many cases (like mine) it’s what helps to “woo” each other as you realize you have many common goals.

After marriage, these dreams provide the glue that keeps you working together. They give you a purpose to your everyday activities. Where you live, your job, how you spend your free time, and so forth are all determined by these dreams.

For example, let’s say you create a dream together to one day move to Hawaii and live the island life. If this is your deepest desire, then everything you do will keep you focused on that dream.

You might start looking for ways to downsize your stuff to make the move easier. You might start looking for a job or other source of income in Hawaii. You might spend time on real estate websites looking at properties on the beach. You might even trim back some of your expenses to start saving for the move.

7 Key Ways to Dream Together

  1. Become dream partners – take time to bounce ideas off of each other.
  2. Make sure they line up with your common values – this will cement in your resolve to attain them.
  3. Be supportive of each other’s dreams – no dream is too big or small, practical or absurd.
  4. Go to an inspirational place – get outside, go to a park, or even some place with a vista.
  5. Make your dream strong and vivid – it must engage you both at your core and get your emotions stirring.
  6. Write them down – put them up in a visible place where you can see them every day.
  7. Think about them daily – make sure your daily activities are in line with actually living your dream!

Dreaming together as a couple (and family) is powerful. It’s important to note that this dreaming process only works when it’s carried out through daily action. To dream is the start. To live the dream is the payoff.

In case you’re wondering, the dream I shared with my to-be wife was all about an amazing beach party still in our future. It’s evolved now to be our common dream we’re going to live 7 years from now. I’ll spare you the complete details, but it has to do with our 40th birthday party (we’re both the same age).

It involves an evening at a day’s end of playing in the ocean. Imagine a white sandy beach, warm tropical breeze, reggae music, lights on strings, and an entire party of friends and family all dancing and relaxing together. It’s something that moves us and we’ve planned our life accordingly to make it happen.

What’s one of your most powerful dreams as a couple?

What are you doing to achieve it?

19 comments, add yours

Expectations equal unhappiness

Written by · 18 Comments

Whatever you focus on, grows.

So how much time and energy do you spend focused on your expectations?

A good working definition of expectations is planned disappointment. And expectations are directly correlated with happiness, or more aptly, unhappiness.

When what we expect to happen does not happen, we are disappointed and we suffer pain at some level. The greater the expectation, the greater the pain.

Ironically, we are also likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met!

I shall explain.

We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen.

If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

  • Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
  • Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
  • Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
  • Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

When you are dog tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your spouse cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected them to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help!

When you are truly grateful for something, you cannot help but feel happiness.

Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. ~ Dennis Prager

Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Where do our expectations come from?

Our expectations are the confused result of our reactions, our thoughts, and our emotional heritage. We confuse wants with needs, anticipation with expectation, loneliness with emptiness, touch with sex, talk with communication, ideals with reality, and self with relationships.

We confuse what we can get only from within ourselves with what we can get only from a relationship.

This confusion drives us to continually

  • try to get from someone else what we can get only from ourselves,
  • or try to get from ourselves what we can get only from a relationship.

No matter how hard or long we try, we will never be complete in this life.

We cannot be complete as an individual, and we cannot be complete by marrying or having children.

We cannot be completely secure emotionally nor can we know everything about any one thing.

When we are fixated on finding completeness in this life, we become so anxious that we either aim for absolute safety or we stay paralyzed for fear of not getting it [completeness].

The expectation that we can be complete and the desperate search for it leads people to attempt the impossible. The fantasy world is full of the illusion of completeness – which leads people to drugs, sex, alcohol, money, conflict, helplessness, power – all of the world’s ills.

We’re all a little lonely, we all feel some sense of inadequacy, some fear of failure – in other words, we all feel some emptiness.

This is a natural state of being, and in my Christian worldview, designed by God to draw us to Him.

Growing up – becoming emotionally mature – is all about how we handle the uncertainty – the incompleteness – of life. When we are able to accept and understand that this emptiness is a natural part of being human, we are on the path to a better life.

The less aware we are of our own emptiness, the more unrealistically we raise our level of expectations on others. High expectations become hypersensitive and emotionally reactive. So much focus is placed on what others are or are not doing that there is little time left for self-focus.

The more successfully we can lower our expectations of others, the more time we have to develop our personal sense of responsibility – and the more effort we put into living up to our personal responsibilities, the more we experience responsibility as joy and fulfillment.

Unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want now.

We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be more – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful.

Make gratitude a habit.

  • Write down three things everyday that you are grateful for –– and see how many days you can come up three things to be grateful for – without repeating yourself!
  • Get a copy of The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude by Sarah Ban Breathnach and write in it everyday for a year.
  • Write your gratitudes on post-it notes and stick them around the house, in the car, in your spouse/kids’ lunch bags . . . surround yourself with reminders of what you have to be grateful for.
  • Send a note to everyone that helped you in some way this year – and start with those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, your parents, and your siblings.

Whatever you focus on, grows.

Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

Another great read on this idea can be found here: Toss your expectations into the ocean.

Prager, D. 1998. Happiness is a serious problem.
Fogarty, T.F. 1978. On emptiness and closeness. In The Family, Compendium I.
(photo source)

18 comments, add yours

5 Ways to Know It’s Time to Quit Your Job

Written by · 13 Comments

Quit Your Job

Post written by money and career columnist Dustin Riechmann of Engaged Marriage.

There are few things that affect our home life and our marriage as directly as our work.

In today’s economy, it may seem like we should just be content to have a job and not worry about “luxuries” such as fulfillment and happiness.  But you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to do everything you can to find enjoyment at work.

After all, you’re likely to spend the majority of your waking hours there, and it’s impossible to separate your career from your family life.  A happy work life feeds a happy home life.

Hopefully, you have a steady job or are sustainably self-employed.  If you’re out of work or struggling to make ends meet, then obviously you really are in a position where you’ll be happy to just have a job.

But for the rest of us who aren’t facing an income crisis, I strongly encourage you to give this topic some thought.

5 Signs It Might Be Time to Move On

If you’re experiencing the following, it’s probably time to dust off your resume:

1. Your energy is drained

When things aren’t going so well, even a desk job can make you feel exhausted at the end of the day.  If you arrive home and have no energy to play with your kids or pursue other interests, it could be that your job is draining your mojo.  When work gets particularly stressful, your libido and sex life can even suffer.

Typically, I’d prescribe some metabolism-boosting exercise for renewed energy, but when your career is not going well, you may find your job is sucking more life out of you than you can replace with healthy habits.

2. You feel disrespected

If you’ve been at a job for a while, you can certainly get complacent in your work ethic.  But complacency works both ways, and you may find that your employer takes you for granted and makes you feel under-appreciated.

Whether it’s complacency or simply a poor work environment, if you feel disrespected, it’s definitely time to start looking elsewhere.  Life is too short to spend 8+ hours every day doing something that doesn’t earn you respect.

3. You feel called elsewhere

You may simply feel called by God to take a new direction in your career.  Whether you give it religious connotations or not, if you find a persistent, nagging voice telling you to look elsewhere or a real enthusiasm for something new, don’t ignore it.

Take the time to explore the other options and, even if you stay where you are, at least you’ll calm your mind and answer the call.

4. Your spouse notices you’re not happy

This is a biggie.  Your husband or wife knows you better than anyone, and if they start to notice that your career has you feeling down, stressed or unfulfilled, there’s a good chance that something is awry.

If you have healthy communication with your spouse, they’ll pick up quickly when something has you down or simply “off” your game.  Listen to their insights and avoid being defensive when they suggest that you need to (collectively) start taking a hard look at your career status.

5. Your job performance is dropping

In a twist of irony, your clue that it’s time to look at other career options may actually come from your employer.

When you feel uninspired and unfulfilled in your work, it’s only natural that your job performance can suffer.  If you’ve been a stellar worker but have recently started to get less done or have seen declining reviews, it might be a sign that you need a fresh start elsewhere.

Been There, Done That

I actually found myself in this situation recently after 10 years at an employer that I had loved.  As both the job and our priorities at home started to change, I encountered all five of these indicators to varying degrees.

It was difficult and scary to even talk about leaving the security of a long-held professional position.  However, in hindsight, I can see that it was absolutely the right choice, as it not only changed my own career but opened the door for major changes for my wife and our entire family’s lifestyle.

I would never suggest making any rash decisions or jumping from the boat until you’ve pretty clearly defined where you will be landing.  However, if you’re starting to feel the pull to explore other options, I say it’s time to start looking.

You owe it to your marriage to be happy in your work.

Have you experienced voluntary career changes?  What signs pointed you in a new direction?  Please share in the comments.

(photo source)

13 comments, add yours

The Awakening

Written by · 16 Comments

Editor’s Note: The author of this is unknown. But it is a great read. Enjoy.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it …

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice in your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying! You are tired of struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.

You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are … and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh, and what you should wear, and where you should shop, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive.

And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.

You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man (or woman) on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love … and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms … just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely … and you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you ”stack up”.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings or entitlement are perfectly OK … and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want … and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his/her touch … and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that your body really is your temple. And, you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve … and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time, FEAR ITSELF.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometime bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.

It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

(photo source)

16 comments, add yours

Should your spouse be your best friend?

Written by · 48 Comments

“He’s like my best friend.”

“She’s the best friend in my life.”

These are common statements and beliefs about a relationship with our spouse.

That they must be our friend, no, best friend — as well as all the other roles a spouse plays in marriage.

While I don’t discount that there should be friendship between husband and wife, having him or her as your best friend will be the death-nail to the marriage.

To clarify, I’m referring to best friend here as a primary and/or sole outlet of your relational needs.

When you first met your spouse, ideally you were both living lives that were fulfilling and interesting (note the emphasis on “ideally”— if you and/or your spouse didn’t have a lot going on when you first met, the relationship was already in really big trouble). One reason your spouse was attractive was the life they were living apart from you. The lives you were living before you met were an important part of what made each of you who you were.

As you began spending more time together and getting to know one another, you likely had less time to engage in the things you were doing before you met. Some couples go so far as to completely give up everything they previously found fulfilling and important in order to spend time together. The problem with this is, as you became fused, you became more and more dependent on each other to meet your individual needs.

That’s the problem with your spouse being your best friend.

As you give up those things you find fulfilling and important for the sake of the relationship, this places a tremendous burden on your spouse to fill the void of whatever you gave up. And this burden will create neediness and dependency, as well as resentment and boredom.

One of the best things you can do for your spouse is have a couple of great same-sex friendships.

Every marriage needs space between the spouses. It is within this space that you find energy, passion, eroticism, quiet time, and personal fulfillment.

While I believe that friendship within the marriage is vital for the relationship, close friendships outside of the marriage are equally important, especially if you want a marriage with lots of passion, eroticism, adventure, and energy.

One of the biggest killers of passion in marriage is all the meaningless time spouses spend together. And this monotonous coexistence is what often comes to define most marriages.

If you want to create a great marriage full of energy, adventure, passion, and love, spend some time away from your spouse with your friends.

(photo source)

48 comments, add yours

Why I love being married

Written by · 20 Comments

lovemarriage

Post written by Corey Allan.

Over the past few years, marriage continues to be under attack in America.

This post is not intended to open up a discussion about the legalities of marriage, I am simply taking note of all the things I love about marriage.

If you’re not married, I still think most of these apply to any important relationship in your life.

These are in no particular order and please add to the list in the comments.

  • Companionship
  • Love
  • Laughter
  • Sex
  • Connection
  • Dancing with my wife (and my kids)
  • Shared adventure and dreams
  • Passion
  • Friendship
  • Watching a movie together under a blanket
  • Deep conversations
  • Simple conversations
  • Hearing someone say “I love you”
  • Knowing the little quirks of another human being
  • Co-parenting our children
  • Being authentic
  • All the inside jokes between us
  • Memories of past experiences together
  • Trust
  • Shared values
  • Holding hands
  • Seeing her from across the crowded room
  • Lazy mornings together
  • Shared responsibilities of life
  • Watching football together, or any sports for that matter. (I hit the jackpot with a wife that loves sports)
  • Someone to challenge me to be a better man
  • Seeing her smile
  • Hearing her sing to our kids
  • Silliness together
  • Another driver on road trips
  • Being out of the “dating scene”
  • Entering a room or restaurant together
  • Good make out sessions
  • Long kisses
  • Back rubs
  • Knowing I have a partner to go through life with

What would you add for your marriage?

(photo source)

20 comments, add yours

100 Thing Challenge: An Interview With Dave Bruno

Written by · 2 Comments

About a year ago I came across an intriguing book title due to be published later in the year: The 100 Thing Challenge: How I Got Rid of Almost Everything, Remade My Life, and Regained My Soul by Dave Bruno.

I mentioned this book in our previous discussion about enoughness.

Upon picking up this book and reading the first couple of chapters … I was hooked.

This isn’t necessarily a “how to” do this type of thing book, although that information is in there. Instead, this is Dave’s journey as he attempted to break free of American style consumerism for a year.

Dave is a gifted writer who uses humor well. He also has many points that strike deep below the surface of your life – points that will make you think about your own journey in life and marriage.

I highly recommend this book, and thoroughly enjoyed talking with Dave.

Editor’s note: The video freezes for the first couple of seconds, just so you know – but the audio is fine. Read more »

2 comments, add yours