How to have great sex when you’re not in the mood

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Post written by Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. She is also my co-host on Sexy Marriage Radio.

One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

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Sexy Marriage Moves

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There are times when married life hits rough patches.

There are also times when things can get stale or routine.

That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.

I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.

How?

Glad you asked.

This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.

—-> Sexy Marriage Moves

Enjoy.

Let us know how it goes.

(photo source)

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14 Ways to ruin sex

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

With the launch of Sexy Marriage Radio last week, I thought it would be appropriate to run a post again about sex. This is one of my favorite posts from the Simple Marriage archives. Enjoy.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:

  1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
    Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
  2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
    This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
  3. Follow the routine each time.
    Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
  4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
    After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
  5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
    Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
  6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
    In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
  7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
    There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
  8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
    I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
  9. Criticize their physical appearance.
    As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
  10. Have sex with the TV on.
    You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
  11. Answer the phone during sex.
    You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
  12. Tweet about it before, during, and after.
    In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
  13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
    Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
  14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
    The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
(photo source)

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Announcing… Sexy Marriage Radio

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Today I’m excited to announce a new project I’m launching with Gina Parris of Winning At Romance.

Sexy Marriage Radio

If there is one topic that is popular among readers, and not covered enough, it’s sex in marriage. That’s what Sexy Marriage Radio is all about.

The Internet is filled with sex, but most of it isn’t even close to healthy or helpful.

With Sexy Marriage Radio we hope to offer a healthy, practical, and honest conversations about how to create a marriage that is hot, healthy, and sexy.

We also hope to address and answer your questions via email and a listener feedback line, and possibly even live during a show.

So here’s what I hope you’ll do … head over to Sexy Marriage Radio and check it out. All the shows will eventually be available in iTunes, as well as Zune and Blackberry. And can you easily listen to every show on the site.

Then, let us know what you think and the topics you’d like to have addressed. You can email or call with your questions and thoughts.

Anything goes. And no topic is off limits.

And finally, help us spread the word. Sex is an interesting aspect of marriage. It’s filled with tons of pleasure, passion, and love as well as pain, struggle, and guilt. So we all can benefit from more helpful information to improve this area of our relationship and life.

I hope to see you there.

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Don’t analyze your wife

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Post written by Corey Allan

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

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6 tips for self-soothing in marriage

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calm, relax

Post written by Corey Allan

There are many things that produce stress and tension in marriage.

Could be routine and schedules packed to the brim.

Could be the lack of passion.

Or there’s the miscommunications.

It could also be simply a look or reaction from your spouse.

A lot of our anxiety comes from our expectations and beliefs about relationships.

Many people fall victim to the “if you love me you’ll give up what you want and do what I want” dynamic. Others may fall into the give to get trap.

Regardless of whether or not these or other unhealthy dynamics are present in your marriage, the question is what will you do about it?

Self examination and self reflection in marriage can be difficult and painful.

It can produce agitation, short fuses, a low threshold for emotions. It can also lead to arguments, tension, and distance between you.

But, one of the best, and most loving things you can do in marriage is grow up. And a great step in the growing direction is learning how to quiet and calm yourself in the midst of difficulty and discomfort.

When you are more about to hold onto yourself you can then lean into the conflict in order to create something better … namely, a better you.

Here are some tips to help keep you focused during these times:

  1. Give your dilemma meaning. It’s amazing how much more pain and discomfort we can tolerate when give things and different meaning. Rather than seeing struggles in your relationship as something your spouse is doing to you, focus on trying to change your own life. Hopefully the belief that marriage is designed to grow us up into better people helps make better meanings of our struggles.
  2. If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior. Stop talking. Concentrate on your breathing. Lower your heart rate. Lower your volume and relax your body. If you find yourself saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but …” take your own advice.
  3. Don’t take your spouse’s behavior (or lack of response) personal. No sense making things harder than they have to be. Focus on increasing a more solid sense of self.
  4. Calming down may mean you break contact. Taking a break is a successful strategy, provided it’s a break and not an avoidance. Take the time to self-soothe and recharge, not veg out and disengage completely. One thing that helps ensure it’s just a break is offer to schedule a time to reconnect when you break.
  5. Use time apart from your spouse effectively. Use time apart to replenish yourself. Exercise, read, create something, spend time in a hobby, do something productive. Outside interests can calm and refuel you, depending on how you use them. Note: Time spent apart commiserating about marital issues with friends isn’t really time apart from your spouse.
  6. Stop negative mental tapes. Humans are great at replaying thoughts from childhood and past experiences. Take a moment and break the pattern by focusing on your surroundings: you’re not a child anymore, you’re also not in the same state of relationship as before … truth is you’ve grow, matured, evolved. So has your spouse. Be present. Sort through your thoughts and emotions and breathe in and out.

Calming yourself and working through issues in marriage is the process of growth at work. Not every strategy will work in every situation. The point is, discover what helps you stay involved and connected.

Avoiding a situation in marriage and life is a terrible form of self-soothing. In the end, you end up less developed with less of a relationship.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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How to unlock your sexual potential

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Post written by Corey Allan
Originally posted March 9, 2010.

Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?

Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?

The fine art of doing and being done.

At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.

Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.

I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.

If you’re one of the many who’ve yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.

It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.

This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.

Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do.

But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.

So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?

The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.

For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born.

If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?

Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.

When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.

Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.

Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.

So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?

Could you handle that?

Many of you will quickly reply … yes!

Really though?

Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and truly take her.

And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.

If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.

  1. Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down.  When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
  2. Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
  3. Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.

Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.

Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.

But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.

You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.

So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!

(photo source)
Sources:
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

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I want you to want me

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Post written by Corey Allan

Over the past two weeks, we’ve had some great discussions about sexual desire differences and how this is part of every marriage.

Let’s wrap up this discussion by expanding the Four Points of Balance proposed by Dr. David Schnarch (and once again, these are trademarked by him and can be found in his work).

  1. A solid flexible self is different than a reflected sense of self as it means you’re able to maintain your psychological shape while in close proximity to important people who pressure you to conform or accommodate them. You don’t have to keep your distance (emotionally or physically) in order to stay clear about who you are.
    The more solid you are, the more important you can let your spouse be to you, and the more you can let yourself be truly known. You can seek advice and let yourself be influenced by others; you can change your mind when warranted; and you can be flexible without losing your identity.
  2. Having a quiet mind and calm heart allows you to regulate your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties. The inability to soothe and comfort yourself means your desires and life’s frustrations will pull you apart.
    Self-soothing is the ability to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurt feelings, and keep your fears and anxieties under control. This point of balance is what separates us from the other species on the planet and plays a critical role in mature adult love.
  3. Making grounded responses to the people and events around you means you don’t overreact to your spouse’s anxieties. This concept is especially important when it comes to interacting with those you love.
    Due to the nature of marriage, you’ve experienced the idea that other people have minds of their own, replete with perceptions, beliefs, and desires. When it comes to the people you love, being able to make grounded responses will help you remain close and connected, even when you don’t see eye to eye.
  4. The ability to meaningfully endure means you endure discomfort for the sake of growth. All species seek pleasure and avoid pain, but humans are adaptive in that they can forego immediate gratification and endure hardship. This is what makes us able to pursue long-term goals and stick to the values we hold dear.
    The ability to endure the pain and heartache of relationships is what makes marriage, family, parenting and caring for others possible. It’s not easy, but it’s easier to tolerate when your pain and heartache is meaningful, or when it serves some purpose you value, or when something good may come out of it.

Each of these aspects are involved in maintaining, caring for, and developing your self – and are vital when it comes to handling gridlock. They help you keep (and/or develop) your emotional balance when things get rough.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you able to stay clear about who you are in the face of opposition? Or do you fall apart?
  • Can you calm yourself when you’re upset or hurt, or do you need someone else to comfort you?
  • When you hit relational difficulties, do you overreact and run away from (or cling to) your spouse?
  • Do you accomplish those difficult things that need to be done to meet your goals or do you give up, bail out, or goof off?

If you want to experience the kind of marriage (or sex) you want – it’s your responsibility.

And on the flip side – it’s highly possible that you are killing the sexual passion and desire in your marriage by the way you live your life.

Remember, you are responsible for you, and all you can do is present something worth wanting.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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