Have sex.
Often.
Slow down.
Connect.
Slow down.
Talk.
Slow down.
Enjoy each other.
Take your time.
Don’t focus on quantity, focus on quality.
Photo courtesy Stoichiometry
The Danger of Online Pornography in Real Life
Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Michael Smalley. Based on my previous post, there’s been some good discussion. Michael is a fellow therapist and blogger friend who wanted to weigh in on the discussion. What follows is Michael’s experience with people involving porn. I’ll weigh in with my thoughts tomorrow.
As a marriage and family author and speaker I’ve seen too many couples and too many families disintegrate because of online pornography and online affairs. Pornography found online is single-handedly the most dangerous enemy to healthy and vibrant relationships that I have run in to through my 15 years of helping couples.
Don’t believe me, then maybe you’ll believe Sarah (names changed for confidentiality). Sarah (and Jacob) had been happily married for almost 10 years when she discovered that his computer was full of online pornography. Sadly, it only takes a short time to become addicted to porn and Jacob was consumed with it.
Sarah wanted help, but Jacob had become so addicted that he didn’t care if he lost his family or not. Sarah came to my conference alone, hoping for some nugget of truth that might win her husband back. But after months of struggling with Jacob about his addiction to porn, he finally admitted that he’d been involved in several affairs with women he met online. There was nothing I could do for Sarah then – Jacob had made his choice and destroyed his family because of his destructive obsession.
But it’s not just marriages that are being destroyed through Internet pornography. About one year ago I had a mother and her 12 year-old son, Joey, come to me for some counseling. I didn’t know what they were dealing with. I assumed they were probably getting into conflict because her son was entering into puberty, which is a common time for parents to struggle relationally with their children.
Much to my dismay, however, Joey’s mother was not just into conflict with her son, but rather in a total crisis relating to online pornography. Joey’s parents kept a computer in the basement of their house so they could work in private when the kids were home from school.
Joey was well aware of this computer and often used it to research papers online or play online games. One day while Joey was researching a paper through Yahoo!, he stumbled across several links (which led) to sites with pornography. He checked them out and became instantly hooked. He would come home from school early just to look at pornography and would stay up late so he could sneak down to the basement alone and browse through his favorite porn sites.
This continued for several weeks completely undetected by his parents. Then one particular night, the police knocked on the front door at 2:00 a.m. asking Joey’s step dad where Joey was. Of course his confused step dad told the police that Joey was asleep in his bed. The police asked if they could enter the house to confirm Joey’s whereabouts and followed Joey’s dad down the hall and into his bedroom. There was no Joey in bed. The police looked at the step dad and asked, “Do you have a computer in the house?” The step dad answered yes and told the police it was down stairs.
As they opened the door to the basement they found Joey staring at the computer screen with a phone held to his ear. The site obviously confused Joey’s step dad and then the police explained something shocking.
While looking at online porn, Joey became so desperate to experience what he was watching on his monitor that he picked up the phone and dialed 0. When the tired AT&T operator answered her phone, like any other regular call, she was shocked to hear the voice of a 12 year-old boy asking her if she would be willing to have sex with a minor. Joey even told the operator where he lived, which is how she informed the police and then kept Joey on the phone so he could be protected. The police showed up to Joey’s house and informed the parents what their son had been up to.
These stories are real and they are dangerous. If you have a computer at home that is not protected from the grotesque images on the web, then you are at risk. You don’t have to be a sick person to get involved in pornography. You could be as innocent as a loving husband who accidentally discovers online porn. You could be as young as a 12 year-old, inches away from becoming grossly addicted.
If you want to keep your family and marriage healthy, then you need to set yourself up to succeed. Don’t be overly confident when it comes to the safety and security of your most precious relationships. Either get rid of your internet connection at home or get your computers protected, your kids and family are worth it. Pornography destroys everything it has influence over. Do not let these stories be your story.
How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life
Most everyone who lives in an industrialized nation has felt the impact of the Internet. There is seldom a day where I am not online at some point, in fact it’s rare that I go several waking hours without hopping online for some reason. Even my 4 year old enjoys some of the games and activities the Internet provides.
The Internet is transforming the experience of growing up in America. It is also transforming the job of being a parent in America. The Internet brings the world – the good, the bad, and the ugly – to the American family’s doorstep. It brings the ruins of ancient Athens to that doorstep, but it also brings the red light district of Bangkok. ~ The Third Way Culture Project
The Internet is the means through which we know each other. It’s also how I connect with my family and past college and childhood friends. But as many of you know, the Internet also brings with it access to other things in our world, namely pornography and sexually explicit material.
If there is one issue I receive regular emails about it’s pornography and its impact on a marriage. Specifically, I’ve received lots of emails asking what to do when one spouse discovers the others use of pornography.
So what’s the impact pornography has upon marriage and family life?
Thus far, the research on Internet pornography (which is a distinct genre due to it’s accessibility, affordability, and anonymity – called the “Triple A Engine”) is not yet reflected in the literature as there are no studies that look specifically at marital and family process and Internet pornography. Any conclusion from research can only be inferred – although the inference is not too much of a leap in my opinion. There are however, many studies involving general pornography and the impact on marriage and family life.
To put this discussion into perspective, let’s review the characteristics of strong, stable, and satisfying marriages. While it is understood that there is not one way to have a stable and satisfying marriage, there are some common factors worth highlighting. Research states these characteristics as: investment in the well-being of the beloved; respect; admiration; sexual desire; intimacy; commitment; exclusivity; and understanding.
Pornography began being researched in 1984 and 1988 by Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant, and their research continues to be referenced. They discovered that the effects of repeated exposure to standard, non-violent, commonly available pornography includes: increased callousness toward women; distorted perceptions about sexuality; devaluation of the importance of monogamy; decreased satisfaction with partner’s sexual performance, affection, and appearance; doubts about the value of marriage; and decreased desire to have children. Later research studies further confirm their findings.
It’s important to note that some couples and even clinicians claim pornography consumed in a mutual, consensual, and open manner, can be an enriching aspect of marital intimacy. Although the material consumed is more likely to involve erotic content as opposed to hard-core pornography. Moreover, pornography consumed in a mutual way is inherently different than solitary pornography viewing because it is used as a bridge to become more closer and present with one’s partner, as opposed to a wall that cuts one’s partner off, draws sexual energy away from the marriage, and heightens distance between partners.
Zillman and Bryant’s 1988 study explored the relationship between pornography and personal happiness. The study involved the participants (both male and female) being exposed to either pornographic or innocuous, non-pornographic content in hourly sessions over six consecutive weeks. During the seventh week, participants were asked to rate their personal happiness regarding various domains of their life and relationships.
Results of the study showed that exposure to pornography negatively impacted self-assessment of sexual experience while some other aspects of life remained constant – namely professional satisfaction. Participants reported less satisfaction with their intimate partner, specifically with their partner’s affection, physical appearance, sexual curiosity, and sexual performance.
Additionally, participants exposed to the pornographic material assigned an increased importance to sexual relations without emotional involvement. Furthermore, and the most telling aspect of the research, all these effects were uniform across male and female participants. Meaning this is not only a male issue.
Pornography leads to an objectification rather than a meaningful interaction with another person. One woman from a study stated:
I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body. ~ Bergner & Bridges
The use of pornography directly correlates to a decrease in sexual intimacy. Research also finds that its usage is viewed as a form of infidelity that reduces the exclusivity of the relationship. Online sexual activity is perceived by both men and women as an act of betrayal that is as authentic and real as offline acts, namely emotional infidelity.
So what does all this mean?
Pornography has a negative impact on you as a person – and on your relationships. It hurts the ones you love and it likely creates a wall between you, driving you apart rather than closer together.
*Manning, J. C. (2006) The impact of Internet pornography on marriage and the family: A review of the research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. 13, 131-165.
How To Self-Soothe Your Way To More In Marriage
To become acquainted with oneself is a terrible shock. ~ Carl Jung
Marriage, or any committed relationship, has the ability to bring excitement and passion into our lives. At the same time however, as the relationship progresses and more roadblocks and perpetual issues arise, we may begin to feel distant from our partner.
Think back to when you first began your current relationship.
It’s likely that you believed you had found the answer to life’s problems, you’d found a partner to share in life’s journey, you’d never again be alone, and it would be smooth sailing from here on out. It’s equally likely that if your relationship was based on these assumptions, it wasn’t long before you were sorely disappointed that your partner failed to live up to your expectations.
Here’s a truism for Simple Marriage: if you look to another person to provide fulfillment, you will begin to focus on the failings of that person as the cause of your own disappointment.
In every important relationship, you’ve brought your own legacy of fears, anxieties, and unresolved problems – so has your partner. As the relationship progresses, it’s often uncomfortable to come to terms with your own baggage. So much so, that when you’re unable to look within yourself, you’ll attribute the problems to your partner rather than accepting the fact that your partner is just being themselves and likely has the best of intentions.
Whenever you’re uncomfortable about something your partner says or does, it helps to realize that your discomfort may derive from a source you’ve yet to examine within yourself – a control issue, a jealousy, an insecurity or fear, etc.
This is part of your growing up – becoming emotionally mature. One key to emotional maturity involves the art of self-soothing.
When you blame your partner for your discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The trick to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain.
Which in turn, can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.
Here’s a few suggestions that will help:
- Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes you’ve made, don’t take it personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. In other words, you take care of you.
- Keep the current conflict in perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances.
- Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While you may have difficulty in controlling your emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, you can have control over your behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. Tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.”
- Stop the negative thinking. Thoughts drive your feelings and behavior. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening – then calm down.
- You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with your self again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and that you can discuss the issue better later, after both of you have had some space from each other.
- Self-soothing does not involve substance abuse, the abuse of food, or emotional regression. You need time to confront yourself and understand what your part in the conflict may be. This does not mean hiding out, sleeping, binge-eating, or the use of drugs or alcohol, which are all ways to avoid self-confrontation.
The ability to validate your own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe your own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur opens the door for the relationship, and both of you, to experience more. Your “relationship with yourself” determines how you’ll handle the good and bad times of life.
Paradoxically, the better you are at soothing and validating yourself, the less you need your partner to “be there” for you and the more you can “be there” for others. Likewise, you can let yourself be influenced by your partner, taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like you’re weakening your own position or interests in the process.
Your ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage.
Adapted from David Schnarch, Ph.D.
What Do Men Know About Women?
Yesterday quite a discussion ensued when I attempted to make light of us men. Apparently, this post struck a pretty deep cord with many of you.
The main premise of Simple Marriage is that relationships, specifically important relationships, are a tool designed by God to help refine us and grow us up.
Every relationship has the potential to push, pull, and prod our emotional maturity – and this includes our relationship between me as writer and you as reader.
Your willingness to speak up and share your reaction to what I write – and tell me when you think I’ve blown it – provides me with a tremendous opportunity for growth.
One of the markers for growth is the ability to recognize your own strengths and weaknesses.
Here’s what I know about me:
- I am open enough to hear feedback and react appropriately (most of the time).
- But when I hear reactions I don’t understand or agree with, my tendency is to push or pull away in order to lessen my discomfort.
Since my instinctive reaction is to acknowledge and pull away I want to approach the discussions yesterday head on.
A tremendous tool in creating and improving deeper relationships is the counter-intuitive move – leaning in to the relationship instead of pushing away.
Here’s how I’m leaning in to instead of pushing away . . .
You, the reader, are my most valuable resource.
I want to do more than say, “Sorry” and move on – I want to honor and celebrate what we men do know about women. Read more »
How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex
A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted May 26, 2008 and one of the most popular posts thus far.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost
If there ever was an area that needed to be more openly discussed among married couples, it’s this one: sex. It is easy to believe that every other couple has no difficulties with the subject. That if you and your spouse are having trouble when it comes to sex, you are the only ones. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Every couple will experience at least some difficulty in the area of sexual connection.
When it comes to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few. Membership in these categories has little to do with physical anatomy. To be part of the blessed few requires more of each person mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Couples who fall in the sexually barren category often are not having sex due to reasons other than physical incompatibility. They often have resentment, bitterness, disappointment or all of the above directed towards their partner. While these emotions may manifest themselves in physical ways, the problem is not physical. It’s mental and emotional. If it truly is a physical issue, there are medical procedures and pharmacological products that may be tried. Viva Viagra, need I say more?
The sexually average are also not immune to these difficulties. Although they have most likely had times when they felt a deeper connection they are desperately trying to recapture the experience.
To reach the promised land of the blessed few requires you to be more present not only during sex, but also during life. You must grow up. And so must your spouse.
Anyone beyond the age of puberty is capable of having sex. But this doesn’t mean you’re ready to handle all the components surrounding sex. Truth is, most people aren’t ready for all the components. To do so requires much more than you may think you are capable. Read more »
13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
I recently wrote a guest post for The Discomfort Zone about how to be miserable in marriage – but this advice applied to marriage as a whole. This time I feel its necessary to tackle how you can ruin sex in your marriage, more specifically, your partner’s sexual experience.
It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.
Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.
So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps: Read more »
How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse
photo credit: HAMED MASOUMI
Sex is an important aspect of most every marriage. Your sexuality plays a major role in life. It influences how you dress, act, and interact with others around you. It’s everywhere.
Stand in line at your local grocery store and see if you can avoid seeing the word sex on a magazine cover. You’ll likely see it several times.
Talking about sex however, is possibly one of the more difficult conversations in life. Did you realize that for many people, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner? Why is that?
It’s tied to the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create.
Do you remember how nervous you were during your first sexual encounter? Filled with uncertainty, the exploration of the unknown, being vulnerable with someone else, sharing new parts of yourself with another person. Read more »
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