How to have great sex when you’re not in the mood

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Post written by Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. She is also my co-host on Sexy Marriage Radio.

One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

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Sexy Marriage Moves

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There are times when married life hits rough patches.

There are also times when things can get stale or routine.

That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.

I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.

How?

Glad you asked.

This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.

—-> Sexy Marriage Moves

Enjoy.

Let us know how it goes.

(photo source)

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How to commit to the end

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This post is from Tess Marshall of The Bold Life

January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.

I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).

The odds were stacked against us.

The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.

We knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested we seek professional help.

We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.

In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.

We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.

The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.

We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.

Most importantly we learned to forgive.

Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.

We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.

When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.

You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.

When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.

Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.

The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.

Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.

Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.

Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.

Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”

Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.

Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.

Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.

Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”

When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.

Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.

Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.

(photo source)

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How to live a great story

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Welcome to 2012.

This year, same as the past several years, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story.

How is living a better story accomplished?

There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years).

  1. The characters.
  2. They have to want something.
  3. They have to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
  4. And there has to be a climactic resolution.

So how exactly does this apply to you?

Every story has a main character.

That’s you … check.

The character has to want something.

Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?

I’ll share a few things on my list. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.

On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.

The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.

In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.

On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.

Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win.

If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?

I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.

During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage - “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”

It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.

Conflict produces change.

Truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.

So what does it look like to move into conflict?

For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.

For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster.

Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.

Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.

There has to be a climactic resolution.

This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.

Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind.

Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.

This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.

Then move into the story and don’t look back.

What do you think?

(photo source)

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Secrets of Marriage

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In Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project she compiles a list of truisms about life as an adult – The Secrets of Adulthood.

While marriage is best when it involves two grown ups, relationships often have slightly different rules and truths.

So what are the Secrets of Marriage?

Here’s what I’ve come up … add your thoughts in the comments.

  • It helps tremendously if you can laugh at yourself.
  • Women really do enjoy flowers and chocolates.
  • The quality of sex ebbs and flows.
  • Laughter really does cure a lot.
  • The same result does occur if you keep doing the same thing.
  • Worries can be self-fulfilling prophesies. Let them go.
  • Conflict will happen.
  • Expectations are planned disappointments.
  • Little things are the things you love the most.
  • Learning more about anatomy really improves sex.
  • It’s easy to be infected by your spouse’s mood, but you can only change yours.
  • By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
  • Most decisions don’t require extensive research.
  • The days are long, but the years are short.
  • Happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy.
  • What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
  • You don’t have to be good at everything.
  • What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you–and vice versa.
  • It’s okay to ask for help.

Your turn.

 

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Forgiveness is a Gift for the Giver and the Receiver

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Post written by Lori Lowe of Marriage Gems.

All marriages need forgiveness.

For many, that means forgiving small slights or rude words. Some marriages face the decision of whether to forgive bigger offenses, such as infidelity.

I’ve had the privilege to meet an d hear the stories of a dozen couples who have faced various challenges and who now have remarkable, loving marriages.

One such couple is Ron and Nancy, who overcame infidelity 30 years ago and now have a completely changed marriage. I think one of the more remarkable parts of their story involves the moment the husband decided to forgive his wife for an affair she had with a coworker.

Nancy didn’t ask for or expect forgiveness immediately when she told him about the affair. Her parents invited them for a visit so they could guide them through reconciliation. They helped her to truly confess her wrongdoing to Ron and to ask him for forgiveness.

Then, they gave Ron the time to decide if he could honestly do so without using it against her in the future. The next morning, Ron decided he would indeed forgive her and they would move forward with whatever they needed to do to repair the damage.

Ron explained his feelings while choking up, saying, “The minute she asked for my forgiveness, God passed the pain and sorrow out of my heart.” He adds that the change for him was like being miraculously healed of cancer. Many men have asked him how he was able to be free of anger and jealousy. Ron says they avoided discussing the details of the affair, and he saw the pain and regret in his wife. He also took responsibility for all the ways he had pushed his wife away and treated her poorly.

Another couple’s story includes a husband who was a closet cocaine addict. When he confessed his addiction to his wife, she became very angry and ordered him to move out of their home. He later informed her that he had put them in serious financial debt due to the drug use.

She insisted on a separation and demanded he seek treatment if he would be allowed to visit their son. Thankfully, he did seek and obtain treatment and accepted full responsibility for his actions. Over time, he did his best to repair the situation and apologized profusely. He knew there was only a small chance she would forgive him, but he worked hard knowing the marriage may or may not end up working.

Many months after he completed rehabilitation, his wife did decide to forgive him and to attempt reconciliation.

Free from his cocaine addiction, he became a model father and husband who is eternally grateful for his family and marriage. He helped his wife battle breast cancer years after he became clean. They are a very positive and loving couple and have been open with their children about their struggles.

Today, he says his wife offered forgiveness before he felt he deserved it.

How to Seek Forgiveness

Author and speaker, Dr. Scott Haltzman, offers this advice on forgiveness: “Forgiveness frequently comes at the tail end of an apology, once you have completed the process, and may include spelling out your plans to make amends. It may only be at that point, if at all, that your spouse may be ready grant absolution. He or she should never feel forced to forgive you. Saying, ‘I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me,’ or ‘I’d like to ask your forgiveness if that’s possible,’ leaves the door open for your partner to withhold clemency. Granting forgiveness is entirely in your partner’s hands.”

Just because we are married to someone doesn’t mean we can demand immediate forgiveness for wrongdoing. However, expressing remorse, attempting to repair the damage and allowing space and time to the one who was offended can help make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness can certainly be a gift to the giver and to the receiver.

Withholding forgiveness and holding grudges can be toxic to the offended person.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”

In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings (think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict). While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward our partners when they make a mistake, especially a minor one. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are already holding a grudge.

Each person has to decide whether or not to offer forgiveness. Often — even when the offense was major – forgiveness can pave the way to an even stronger marriage.

The topic of this post is one of 12 overarching lessons shared in Lori’s new book: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. For further details on the book, visit LoriLowe.com. Or connect with Lori at Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

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14 Ways to ruin sex

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

With the launch of Sexy Marriage Radio last week, I thought it would be appropriate to run a post again about sex. This is one of my favorite posts from the Simple Marriage archives. Enjoy.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:

  1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
    Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
  2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
    This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
  3. Follow the routine each time.
    Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
  4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
    After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
  5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
    Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
  6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
    In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
  7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
    There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
  8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
    I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
  9. Criticize their physical appearance.
    As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
  10. Have sex with the TV on.
    You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
  11. Answer the phone during sex.
    You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
  12. Tweet about it before, during, and after.
    In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
  13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
    Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
  14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
    The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
(photo source)

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Announcing… Sexy Marriage Radio

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Today I’m excited to announce a new project I’m launching with Gina Parris of Winning At Romance.

Sexy Marriage Radio

If there is one topic that is popular among readers, and not covered enough, it’s sex in marriage. That’s what Sexy Marriage Radio is all about.

The Internet is filled with sex, but most of it isn’t even close to healthy or helpful.

With Sexy Marriage Radio we hope to offer a healthy, practical, and honest conversations about how to create a marriage that is hot, healthy, and sexy.

We also hope to address and answer your questions via email and a listener feedback line, and possibly even live during a show.

So here’s what I hope you’ll do … head over to Sexy Marriage Radio and check it out. All the shows will eventually be available in iTunes, as well as Zune and Blackberry. And can you easily listen to every show on the site.

Then, let us know what you think and the topics you’d like to have addressed. You can email or call with your questions and thoughts.

Anything goes. And no topic is off limits.

And finally, help us spread the word. Sex is an interesting aspect of marriage. It’s filled with tons of pleasure, passion, and love as well as pain, struggle, and guilt. So we all can benefit from more helpful information to improve this area of our relationship and life.

I hope to see you there.

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