How Much Do I Love Others?

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So I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately, specifically my relationships with those around me.

I consider myself an extrovert who enjoys being social and interacting with others, but lately I’ve been examining the depth of my relationship with others.

How much do I love others?

It’s easy to say I love others, but deep down, if I’m honest with myself, do I really?

I’ve tried to be more aware of my conversations with people. I’ve listened more – talked less. I’m trying to soak in what’s going on around me and I’ve discovered that this is hard to do while talking.

I think I’m like most people in that when I’m in a conversation with others, I’m often too busy thinking about what I’m going to say that I’m not really listening to what they’re saying.

I guess my question is: If I don’t hear what they say, and only want to get out my stories and ideas, do I really care about them?

I’ve also found that when I listen to others, I mean, really listen to them, it’s difficult. Maybe it’s because most of what is discussed among people these days seems to be surface crap information. You know, the kinds of things you read on someone’s Facebook status or Tweets. This seems to have bled into real life conversations.

Humans have always tried to gloss over the deeper parts of themselves, because this part includes the scared, worried, ashamed, and anxious aspects of life.

But glossing over something or pretending it’s not there doesn’t make it go away.

The social mediums in the world today have allowed for more connections with others, but have they allowed deeper connections? Have they allowed you to be real?

Honestly though, social exchanges have always hovered around the surface. For years this has been a common exchange – “Hey, how’s it going?” To which you’d respond, “Fine, you?” If you’re honest, is it really fine? And the times when you do stop and share something more deeply, often the other person is looking for an exit because they really didn’t want to know.

Which leads me back to the question: Do they really care? Do you? Do I?

The deeper connections require more from me. It requires that I slow down and share my life with others. That I shoulder some of their weight and burden with them. But it also offers the possibility that they’ll shoulder some of mine.

Real relationships move past the “niceities”. They get below the surface and enter the area of our lives that house fears, frustrations, failures, but also strengths. You see, I believe it’s this part of our lives, the authentic part of us, where healing resides. This healing actually begins when I share this part of my life with another person.

If I were to slow down my life and listen, I must come face to face with this part of myself. There are times when I feel isolated and alone. When I’m insecure about what I’m doing or who I am. And these times also bring me to how I began this post – how much do I love others?

I’m wading deeper into this struggle – care to join me?

_____

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Photo courtesy jamsjoys

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How Do You Help Your Spouse Feel Special?

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A Simple Marriage Community member proposed a topic for further discussion:

What are some ways you can take a few moments from your day to focus on your spouse and do something for them that they will appreciate?

Great question.

Care to join us over on the forum and add your thoughts?

You can click here to go directly to this discussion. Plus, while you’re there, join in the other discussions if you wish.

Hope to see you there.

Photo courtesy Hamed Saber

15 Ideas To Improve Love And Marriage During Tough Economic Times

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Tess Marshall of The Bold Life.

For months we’ve been hearing about job loss, foreclosures, downsizing, homelessness, and lack of work. Many can’t pay their bills or afford health and car insurance. Others have lost their retirement savings.

How has this affected families?

The strain of the recession has taken a toll on relationships causing increased stress, anxiety and depression. Because nobody knows what the future holds uncertainty, fear and doubt also prevail.

Whether you’ve lost your job or not everyone is discovering the need to cut back, become more frugal and live a simpler life.

80% of the people who have lost jobs are men. We live in a society where men are expected to play the role of economic provider. When men lose their jobs they lose their status as a provider and often feel like failures.

Many wives have become the sole provider in relationships, often feeling totally responsible and pressured to bring home more income.

Children who normally have excess now need to adjust to having less. Parents feel guilty for not being able to provide like they have in the past.

Our economy offers us an opportunity to grow, become stronger, and keep our marriage happy, healthy and intact.

What are we to do?

  1. Work as a team. When change is difficult we often forget we are on each other’s side!
    Refuse to work against your spouse. Pay bills together and agree on the changes that need to be made. Stand united for your children, don’t allow them to get in between.
  2. Communicate. Be gentle with each other. Change can be very difficult. Watch your tone, intention and words when you speak. “We will make a plan to get through this” vs. “why can’t you find a job?” Speak honestly about loss and feelings.
  3. Make a plan and commit to the plan. Create a budget together. Take care of all of your needs. Eliminate restaurant meals, movies, golf, $4 coffees and spa treatments; these are “wants.” Barter and trade what you need with members of your community.
  4. Realize these are choices not sacrifices. Refuse to be a victim, “Poor me I can’t _________anymore. (Fill in the blank)
  5. Delay gratification. Shopping is often used to dull emotional pain. Instead learn to save for what you want. Don’t think of cutting back on extras as a punishment. It’s a necessary step to survive.
  6. Make things special again. Give gifts and eat at restaurants only on birthdays and holidays and only if you can afford them.
  7. Become flexible with parenting and household responsibilities. As roles and dynamics shift between spouses take 100% responsibility, be flexible and go the extra mile.
  8. Appreciate each other. Focus on the character traits, sense of humor, and other reasons you fell in love. Say thank you to each others at least twice a day.
  9. Establish a routine. If you need a job spend at least thirty five hours a week searching. Make a list and time block your activities. Take 15 minute breaks and give yourself time to each lunch. Your job now is to find a job.
  10. Exercise daily. Exercise will release endorphins in your brain and decrease stress. Do it the same time daily. While walking, running or biking focus on gratitude.
  11. Pray or meditate together. Create the time and include these activities in your routine. You will feel refreshed and hopeful.
  12. Expect a miracle. We get what we focus on. Choose to focus on the best. Instead of fearing the future expect miracles to happen.
  13. Appreciate what matters in life: Your health, laughter, love, relationships, and family.
    Focus on interacting and connecting with your children, family, friends and neighbors.
    Find new free or inexpensive activities to do together.
  14. Ask for help. Seek professional help if necessary. Join a support group. Everyone needs help at some time in their life. Smart people ask for it and wise people take it.
  15. Use our difficult times to grow emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Now is the time to practice what you believe. Now is the time to walk your talk. This is your opportunity to make your family stronger, happier and healthier.

Tess Marshall M.A. is an author, life coach and blogger at www.TheBoldLife.com She has been married for 37 years and has three granchildren. You can download her book, “Flying By the Seat of My Soul” or purchase a paperback copy over at www.TheBoldLife.com.

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What Do Men Know About Women?

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Yesterday quite a discussion ensued when I attempted to make light of us men. Apparently, this post struck a pretty deep cord with many of you.

The main premise of Simple Marriage is that relationships, specifically important relationships, are a tool designed by God to help refine us and grow us up.

Every relationship has the potential to push, pull, and prod our emotional maturity – and this includes our relationship between me as writer and you as reader.

Your willingness to speak up and share your reaction to what I write – and tell me when you think I’ve blown it – provides me with a tremendous opportunity for growth.

One of the markers for growth is the ability to recognize your own strengths and weaknesses.

Here’s what I know about me:

  1. I am open enough to hear feedback and react appropriately (most of the time).
  2. But when I hear reactions I don’t understand or agree with, my tendency is to push or pull away in order to lessen my discomfort.

Since my instinctive reaction is to acknowledge and pull away I want to approach the discussions yesterday head on.

A tremendous tool in creating and improving deeper relationships is the counter-intuitive move – leaning in to the relationship instead of pushing away.

Here’s how I’m leaning in to instead of pushing away . . .

You, the reader, are my most valuable resource.

I want to do more than say, “Sorry” and move on – I want to honor and celebrate what we men do know about women. Read more »

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How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex

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Popsicle Toe's are always cold
Creative Commons License photo credit: Mr TGT

A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted May 26, 2008 and one of the most popular posts thus far.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. ~Robert Frost

If there ever was an area that needed to be more openly discussed among married couples, it’s this one: sex. It is easy to believe that every other couple has no difficulties with the subject. That if you and your spouse are having trouble when it comes to sex, you are the only ones. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Every couple will experience at least some difficulty in the area of sexual connection.

When it comes to sexual connection, there are three categories of couples. The sexually barren, the sexually average, and the blessed few. Membership in these categories has little to do with physical anatomy. To be part of the blessed few requires more of each person mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Couples who fall in the sexually barren category often are not having sex due to reasons other than physical incompatibility. They often have resentment, bitterness, disappointment or all of the above directed towards their partner. While these emotions may manifest themselves in physical ways, the problem is not physical. It’s mental and emotional. If it truly is a physical issue, there are medical procedures and pharmacological products that may be tried. Viva Viagra, need I say more?

The sexually average are also not immune to these difficulties. Although they have most likely had times when they felt a deeper connection they are desperately trying to recapture the experience.

To reach the promised land of the blessed few requires you to be more present not only during sex, but also during life. You must grow up. And so must your spouse.

Anyone beyond the age of puberty is capable of having sex. But this doesn’t mean you’re ready to handle all the components surrounding sex. Truth is, most people aren’t ready for all the components. To do so requires much more than you may think you are capable. Read more »

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Thanks To The Love Of My Wife

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Dresden to go
Creative Commons License photo credit: marfis75

Post written by Corey Allan. Follow me on Twitter.

If you’ve been reading Simple Marriage for any length of time, and have been commenting at all on the posts, then we’ve had the chance to get know each other a little bit. Today I’m going to be much more personal and share my wife and I’s story.

I’ve written a couple of times about our moment together in the mall food court discussing whether or not our marriage was going to make it, but I’ve yet to share what led up to this discussion.

My wife and I married when we were in our early 20s. I had just completed college, in fact our wedding was a couple of weeks after my graduation. I accepted a job as a youth minister while on our honeymoon, and we headed off into the married and working world.

We had no real idea what lie in store for us, but we moved 450 miles away from our families and started our life together.

The first few years were a blur, at least for me. I was full time in the ministry while my wife was finishing up college and studying for the CPA exam. It was pretty easy for us to fall into the routine of life and marriage. We had no idea what we were doing. Read more »

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13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex

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alone
Creative Commons License photo credit: eflon

I recently wrote a guest post for The Discomfort Zone about how to be miserable in marriage – but this advice applied to marriage as a whole. This time I feel its necessary to tackle how you can ruin sex in your marriage, more specifically, your partner’s sexual experience.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps: Read more »

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