Flooding – Stop to Start

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flood

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Changing behavior often begins with an end- we have to STOP a negative behavior in order to effectively START a positive behavior.

  • STOP spending in order to START saving
  • STOP eating doughnuts in order to START losing weight
  • STOP sleeping late in order to START going to the gym
  • STOP watching TV in order to START a project
  • STOP talking contemptuously to your spouse in order to START building a marriage that matters

So we STARTED the year focusing on what has to STOP by looking at the impact of the Four Horsemen, harsh start up, and body language on the state of our marriages.

Another behavior that needs to stop is emotional flooding – the fourth divorce predictor based on Dr. John Gottman’s research.

Flooding is your physiological reaction to a perceived threat. The threat can be real, it can be an old tape replaying [a pattern], or it can be imagined. Automatic, instinctive, reactive processes [emotions] rush in to protect you from threat.

You remember what being flooded feels like, don’t you? Read more »

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7 Marriage Hacks to More Passion and Adventure

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A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted March 3, 2008.

If you have been married for any length of time you know full well the amount of work that has already taken place. Yet, there is still more work looming.

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some short cuts to experiencing more blessings in a marriage?

While there are no easy tricks or short cuts that will lead to success in marriage (there is simply no way around the fact that marriage takes work) there are some different hacks you can try that may bring about another level of passion and adventure.

Some of these my wife and I have tried with success, a few others we are attempting along with you. Read more »

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A Marital Conversation Alternative: Take A Walk

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

In the previous post we discussed The Art of Marital Conversation. After reading you and your spouse may have decided to have a face to face talk about one (or more) of the enduring problem areas in your relationship. In spite of your best efforts, things took a turn for the worse.

What happened?

Part of the answer might be found in the childhood expression, “Monkey see, monkey do.” It turns out that our brains are hard wired to mirror what we see.

You’ve read this before and it’s worth repeating, in marriage (or any
relationship) you cannot NOT communicate.

Some experts attribute up to 55% of communication as nonverbal body language and descriptions of that includes: Read more »

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The Art of Marital Conversation

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Photo courtesy Herman Hernandez

Editor’s Note: This is a rewrite of a post from April 28, 2008.

The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw

The day at work has been horrific. Emails never stopped. The voicemail light kept flashing. The boss needed the information yesterday. And to top it all off, you had a fight with your wife as you left this morning.

You feel the tension coming from the house when you get out of your car in the driveway. The kids are in their rooms doing homework and your wife approaches you and says the words most men dread: “We need to talk.”

It seems at this moment, most men have the fight or flight response. I can berate her about the timing of things, continue to insist that I’m right and she’s wrong. Or I can shrug it off and disappear with the TV, the Internet, alcohol, or the work I conveniently brought home.

What is it about talking that is so difficult? Granted, this does not apply to everyone, but most of us have some trouble with deep conversation. Especially when it comes to conversing with our spouse. Read more »

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Quality Time: How To Find More And Some Ideas On How To Use It

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The world moves at a tremendously fast pace. It’s virtually impossible to disconnect from work, social networks, media, news, even friends and family. Life is often an overload of emails, voice mails, instant messages, profiles, shows, kids activities, schedules, and the endless desire to know about what’s going on around you.

It’s far too easy to let the important things in your life slip through the cracks and get lost in the chaos. Days could go by without speaking to family members, or sharing deeper moments with your spouse.

Finding moments for quality connections in marriage takes planning. It requires intentionality. Quality time rarely happens by chance.

There are many things that can get in the way of finding moments together. It’s also possible that the time you spend together has become stale. Yes, even quality time can become routine. Perhaps some spice needs to be added. Read more »

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How To Fight In Marriage: Start Well – End Well

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Two weeks ago we took a look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the relationship pattern identified by Dr. John Gottman as most likely to kill love and destroy a marriage.

To continue this topic, let’s explore how you fight?

  • Conflict avoiders - We never fight. I never once heard a cross word between my mom and dad.
  • Volatile - Like cats and dogs. We fight all the time, over anything and everything. But we love to make up.
  • Validators - Sometimes I win – sometimes he wins. We try to fight fair.

Remember that human behavior is knowable, observable, and predictable?

Here’s something you can know – Women are the ones who start conversations about problems!

  • When are you going to finish cleaning out the garage?
  • What’s wrong with your mother?
  • You have to do something about the kids.
  • You’re never home any more.
  • You need to ask for a raise.
  • When are we ever going to go on vacation again?

You can be sure that our husbands already know this about us. It’s in our nature – we are more relationally oriented.

There are two kinds of problems in marriage – those that can be resolved and those that can’t. The bad news is that two-thirds of marriage problems are not resolvable. Read more »

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Learning To Love – A Lifelong Journey

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Valentine’s Day is about idealizing romantic love.

Learning to love however, is the most important growth experience this life offers.

Romantic love can lead to learning to love – but it’s a path we each have to choose.

Romantic love starts as a perfect storm of timing, chemistry, family history, experience, mythology and mystery. It floods the brain with cravings and pleasure as strong as any drug and dramatically impacts motivation, elation and focused attention. This chemically altered state of consciousness can last somewhere between a few months and as long as four years. It’s the pursuit of this temporary state of romantic love that shows up in some people who move from one relationship to another.

Romantic love is an illusion that refuses to see us as we really are and as such, it depends on agreement and tolerates differences poorly, if at all. It’s like a blob that absorbs all who enter and then spits out the empty shell.

The transition from romantic to sustaining love begins when you take the risk of wanting more than needing your partner.

Read more »

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How To Say I’m Sorry: The 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology

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Photo courtesy *Zara

Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”

And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, “I don’t know why I bother to say I’m sorry – you don’t believe me anyway!”

Both people might think, Well, I’m glad we went through the motions, but I don’t think that that “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” changes anything.

So what’s the difference between the same old same old, “I’m sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me” and a genuine apology? Read more »

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