Keep it simple. Make it better.
The main difference between a marriage relationship and all our other relationships is sex.
But the other side of this topic, just because you’re married, is sex expected?
This idea sparked quite a discussion in a prior post on Simple Marriage.
Let’s expand the conversation in this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio.
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It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex.
If this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to wind up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.
Sex is easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are.
Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.
So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:
1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
3. Follow the routine each time.
Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
It’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
9. Criticize their physical appearance.
As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
10. Have sex with the TV on.
You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
11. Answer the phone during sex.
You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
12. Tweet about it before, during, and after.
In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
Got any to add? Share them in the comments.
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There is always a high desire and low desire spouse in every relationship, and in every topic within the relationship.
So what about times when the low desire is actually more aptly described as un-arousea
That’s what Gina and I cover in this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio.
Show topics:
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Wanna know the biggest marriage killer?
Fusion.
fusion: (noun) The process or result of joining two or more things together to form a single entity.
In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.
There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It’s assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of the other member. And, in this type of system, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system will dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.
In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that again).
The more both you and your spouse create a fused system, the more dependent you become on each other and the less time you have to do things outside of the relationship that you find fulfilling.
To break free of fusion you must grow up.
And growing up involves creating and following your own passions, as well as your relationship passions. Read more »
Post written by Gal Josefsberg of Equally Happy.What is a gift?
Webster’s defines a gift as:
1 : a notable capacity, talent, or endowment
2 : something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation
3 : the act, right, or power of giving
Let’s focus on the second definition. This is the one we use when we talk about presents, birthdays, Xmas and so on.
We buy gifts for mother’s day, father’s day, anniversaries and Valentine’s day. In fact, it seems like gift giving has become a major part of our lives, especially within a marriage.
I’m told I should buy her a tennis bracelet for mother’s day (she doesn’t even play tennis), a new Lexus for Xmas (she’d kill me if I spent that much of our money without telling her) or sexy lingerie for Valentine’s day (which is probably more a gift for me than for her). Everywhere I turn I see advertisements for what I should buy my wife and when, but with all this noise I think we’ve lost track of what gift giving is truly about.
So let’s take gifts back. Let’s reclaim them from Hallmark and Lexus and bring them back to what they really used to be.
Gifts can truly be a wonderful thing that builds memories and a strong relationship.
When you give a present, do you expect something in return? Are you giving these roses because you want forgiveness? Are you giving this box of chocolates because you want sex? Are you giving this iPad because you want a gift of equal value in return?
If so, you’ve left the realm of gift giving and entered the realm of economic exchange.
You’re saying “I will give you this if you give me that”. You may not be saying it in those words but you may as well be.
Please note that I’m not saying this behavior is wrong, only that it doesn’t qualify as gift giving. Mutually beneficial exchanges are a strong part of every relationship but I urge you to be honest about what you want and when you want it.
A present doesn’t carry any obligations with it. A present doesn’t put the receiver in debt to you. It doesn’t make the receiver feel like they owe you anything and it shouldn’t be given with the thought of “I’m giving this because I expect something in return.”
Give gifts freely, not because you feel obliged or because you want the other person to feel obligated in return.
A gift should be something the other person wants.
And when I say wants, I really mean that.
Something you think the other person should want doesn’t count.
Something you want the other person to use doesn’t count.
You cannot force your preferences on your spouse or they’ll resent you for it. Not sure what I mean? Let me give you a few examples.
A woman will buy her husband an item of clothing because she thinks he’ll look great in it. However, he didn’t really need that item, nor does he want it. Result? He’s forced to lie to her about liking this present, he’ll wear it once, resent it and never wear it again. She’ll be annoyed with him for not telling her the truth initially, even though he saw no way to do so without hurting her and off we go into a horrible argument.
A man buys his wife a present of some exercise equipment that he thinks she could really benefit from. His wife gets annoyed. Is he implying that she needs exercise? He gets defensive, she gets even more hurt and again, off we go into a horrible argument.
What do both of these examples have in common? In both cases the spouse bought a gift that they wanted their partner to have, not a gift that their partner wanted. In other words, they’re trying to force their preferences on their partner.
But how do we figure out what they really want?
All it takes is listening.
My wife told me she feels cold when she exits the pool after swimming laps. Perhaps I should buy her a warm, plush towel or a swim parka. I told my wife in passing how much I enjoyed working on the fence with her dad. So she went out and bought me a beginner’s book about wood working. See how that works?
Pay attention to what they say especially when they’re describing a problem they’re facing or something they wish they could do. Now think of presents that could help them solve the problem or perform the activity they described. If you listen to your partner you’re going to get dozens of these gift ideas every month, more than enough for every occasion.
The best presents are the ones that have meaning and memories associated with them. In other words, they’re not just things that you gave one another, they’re also special because of something you did or said. They may even remind your partner of a special time or event.
You can accomplish meaning in one of two ways.
First, you can try to buy a gift that’s already associated with a memorable event. For example, my wife and I honeymooned in Croatia. Perhaps I can buy her a Croatian piece of art for her birthday? Or maybe I can get a framed picture of us on the Croatian Island of Hvar?
If I want something a bit more casual, I can buy some of the Croatian cheese we really enjoyed on our trip. All of these presents are strongly associated with a really fun and meaningful time and she’ll be reminded of that time when she sees them.
However, I can’t always buy her Croatian knick knacks and she does want that swim jacket… So how can I take mundane things and make them meaningful?
Easy, I can figure out a way to personalize either the gift giving or the gift.
For example, I can have a cute little “In case I’m not around to keep you warm” embroidered on the inside of the jacket. Alternatively, I can surprise her by waiting on the side of the pool, jacket in hand for her to come out. Either way, that jacket just became associated with more than just keeping warm after swimming. Now it’s associated with how much I love her.
Bottom line, ignore all the TV commercials and remember the following:
If you follow those three guidelines, you’re going to do just fine.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a website that sells Croatian cheeses…
Gal Josefsberg is a blogger, author, dog owner, husband and entrepreneur. He blogs about personal fitness at 60 in 3, self improvement at Equally Happy and he recently launched a website dedicated to helping men and women find good present ideas for each other called Diamonds or Dogs. He’s not a professional anything, nor does he wish to be.
The routine of married life can leave little time left to focus on your marriage.
In our blended family, raising two (almost) teenagers takes up an enormous amount of time and energy – especially when we allow it to become our only focus.
Who hasn’t gone on a date and spent the whole time talking about the kids? I know we have.
The problem with focusing too hard on other parts of our married life – and not each other – is that when I start to feel disconnected from Mr. Right, the foundation of our family is at risk.
We are the foundation.
It is essential that we are on the same page – physically, emotionally and as co-parents – so that the family unit can thrive.
Here are a few ways we’ve committed to stay connected as husband and wife. Try focusing on your marriage as the more important link in your blended family and see how that affects the rest of the problems you face.
We call this “marriage time” in our house. Explain how important this time is to your kids, go into your bedroom and lock the door. Use this time to reconnect as lovers, not just parents.
Kiss. Look each other in the eye. Ask about one another’s day.
Don’t let every conversation revolve around the problems you’re facing with the kids or finances or a dog who needs a bath. Here are some more ways to find 15 minutes of time for each other:
Take turns planning a date night. Need some new ideas? Check out the date night tab from The Dating Divas. If you don’t have the time or money to go out weekly, plan one night a week to stay in and “date” at home once the kids are in bed. Here are 5 ideas for a date night at home:
In addition to family vacations each year, plan a weekend or full week to getaway just the two of you. You’ll have time to focus on each other without distractions, something that isn’t easy to do the rest of the year. If your budget is tight, getaway close to home – even one night at a hotel with a day spent at the park can refresh your relationship for months to come.
Spending quality time with your partner will strengthen your connection when the challenges of a blended family feel against you. Make it a priority to check in and constantly recommit to your spouse. This keeps your family strong, no matter what struggles you face with the kids or the ex or your finances.
How do you keep your marriage strong within a blended family?
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What happens when you hear something you think will help your marriage (or sex life), try it, and it fails?
There are lots of voices out there giving advice on how to improve your marriage. Some of them are good, others – not so much. But sometimes, the tips or ideas are misunderstood and everything goes bad.
What then?
What if that’s part of the process?
Actually there’s nothing really going wrong, it’s just the growing up process at work.
That’s what Gina and I cover in this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio.
In this episode we discuss:
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I once interviewed a couple that had been married for more than 50 years. I asked them what the secret to their success was and their answer surprised me.
They said that ever since they got married, every year, they would take a weeklong vacation without each other.
Once the kids came along, the wife would take a spa vacation with her girlfriends leaving the husband/dad at home. Then it was his turn and he would usually take a fishing trip with his friends.
The couple said the time away from each other helped them appreciate each other more. They exercised the adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”.
Then the couple added, while they treasured their individual vacations, they loved even more the vacations they planned and took together.
Vacations Make Great Dates
Going on a date with your spouse is already fun enough. Getting out on a Friday night after a busy week feels like such a reward. Now multiply that by 3, 4, 5 times or more! That’s what a great vacation does for you and your spouse.
The ideal vacation looks different for each couple. Sometimes it’s a trip to an exotic place. Sometimes it’s a historical or genealogical tour. Sometimes it’s as simple as a visiting a new city.
For our vacations, my wife and I have found that we really love doing something where we have to be very physically active. Last summer we fulfilled a dream I’ve had for a long time by hiking an 18 mile loop in one day in the Olympic Mountains in Washington State. No kids. Just the two of us, the trail, and the amazing scenery.
Benefits of Vacations for Marriage
The benefits of taking a vacation are pretty obvious. The real secret is how taking vacations together strengthens a marriage.
One of the most obvious benefits is the quality time you spend together. In our busy world, we can get so caught up in the day-to-day that we sometimes forget our real priorities.
Another benefit is being able to experience something new together. This is especially true if visiting a place you’ve never been before. Seeing new places, experiencing different cultures, and especially sampling new food can make for some pretty incredible memories.
Closely tied to experiencing something new is being able to learn about each other. While in Paris one time, my wife learned that I had an uncharacteristically short fuse when it came to trying to understand a subway map in French! It was a learning experience for both of us and now we go into new places studying the maps together beforehand!
Another benefit is that it’s just plain fun to plan and then anticipate a vacation. Now with the internet, you can spend hours learning about all of the cool things to go and see and do before you even get there. Imagining together is almost as much fun as actually going on the vacation itself. I did say “almost”!
But We Can’t Always Go on Vacation!
Vacations are great, but what about living everyday life? It’s true that we can’t live our lives in one continual vacation. We’ve got work, school, kids, and so forth that take up most of our time. Plus going on constant vacations can add up.
However, you can still receive all of the same benefits of a vacation with a couple of creative tricks. For starters, try taking a mini-vacation. Not every vacation has to be a two week trip though the Andes.
You can take a short road trip somewhere – even if it’s just for a Saturday. Get away from the house and explore someplace new. Sometimes, the coolest places are just outside our “daily living radius”.
Another idea is to spend the day at a spa. If that doesn’t do it for you, try something more adventurous like going paintballing or skydiving.
Sometimes the best way to do this is to skip a day of work. If you have kids, make the proper arrangements and go for it. Nothing helps you enjoy each other and your mini-vacation by doing it on a Wednesday! Leave the cell phone at home. Don’t check emails. Just enjoy your quality time together.
Another idea is to have a “staycation”. You can stay at home and enjoy each other’s company. You can do a home project together (yes, you can do chores if it’s together), or you can have a movie marathon, or even better, a sex marathon. It’s just a day that’s totally devoted to being with each other.
Whether you’re traveling to the far parts of the globe or staying in your own bedroom, the benefits to taking intentional vacations with each other are huge!
What are some memorable vacations you’ve taken together?
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