How to have great sex when you’re not in the mood

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Post written by Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. She is also my co-host on Sexy Marriage Radio.

One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

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Sexy Marriage Moves

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There are times when married life hits rough patches.

There are also times when things can get stale or routine.

That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.

I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.

How?

Glad you asked.

This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.

—-> Sexy Marriage Moves

Enjoy.

Let us know how it goes.

(photo source)

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Is Your Marriage Too Close?

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

There’s a popular belief that once a person gets married, everything will be smooth sailing.

Romance will naturally occur, your spouse will be your best friend, and there will be plenty of “Hallmark” moments between you.

If you’ve been married any length of time you know this simply isn’t true.

One of the main problems many couples face in marriage is they create a marriage that’s too close. They strive to capture the illusion of what they thought it would be like in the beginning by getting closer to each other.

This creates a fused relationship.

In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that sentence again).

When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.

The more couples become fused, the more they resent each other, try to change each other, push each other away, lose interest in each other, lose sexual passion, blame each other, and fantasize about escaping.

I believe that a majority of problems people experience in their marriage are the result of fusion.

In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.

There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It is assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of every other member.

When this happens, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system usually dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.

Shortly after I begin working with a couple I ask them, “Do you believe that the source of the problems you’re experiencing currently are the result of you both being too far apart (living separate lives or drifting apart) or too close together (fused)?”

Without fail, the couple will reply – too far apart.

I then propose that it’s the opposite. That actually they’re too close together and that is what is creating all the problems.

If the couple will accept this view and begin to explore it more in detail as it plays out their marriage, they will begin to see dramatic improvement in their lives.

Fused systems fear change of any kind.

They also exist in a state of constant anxiety.

These rigid systems don’t like individuality, space, passion, integrity, or members having close friends outside of the system. They are characterized by guilt, covert contracts, emotional eruptions, passive-aggressiveness, isolation, secrets, hidden behaviors, and rebellion.

Also, unrealistic expectations are rampant in fused systems. Like these:

  • Because you are my son, you should always be there to listen to my problems whenever I am sad or lonely.
  • Because you are my boyfriend, you should always answer the phone when I call you.
  • Because you are my girlfriend, you should never talk to other men.
  • Because you are my husband, you should want to be around me as much as I want to be around you.
  • Because you are my wife, you should want to have sex as often as I want to have it with you.
  • Because a clean house is important to me, it should be just as important to you.
  • Because I sacrifice so much for you, you should always appreciate me and never get mad at me.
  • Because I work so hard to provide for our family you shouldn’t count on me to help out around the house.

Members of the system have to “push-back” to have space and hold on to themselves in any significant way. This often leads to acting out and self-destructive behavior (the reason most couples seek out therapy).

For example, one spouse in a fused system might want the other to lose weight. Even if it would be in the best interest for that person to drop a few pounds, they will have to push back (this is called “disengagement”). This is an unconscious attempt to avoid losing self to their partner’s control (they have probably been doing this since childhood), and to prevent their partner from “winning”.

Scoreboarding is actually rampant in marriages.

It’s the idea that since I did something for you and our marriage, you should return the favor to me. It’s the classic exchange based principles.

The simple truth – marriage (and life) is not fair. If you go into a relationship expecting your generosity, gifts, strengths, love, passion, etc. to be reciprocated in kind, you’re going to wind up severely disappointed or angry.

Plus, if you enter into a discussion or issue with the idea that you should win, then what does that make your spouse? A loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?

A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met.

Let’s build upon this idea. Mature, growing people co-create a number of cooperative systems to help them do this. An intimate relationship is just one of these cooperative systems.

Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met. In this kind of differentiated relationship, each partner compliments the other, but doesn’t complete them.

It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex.

For more on this idea, consider joining Blow Up My Marriage. Enrollment begins this week.

(photo source)

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How to live a great story

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Welcome to 2012.

This year, same as the past several years, I’m on a mission to write and live a better story.

How is living a better story accomplished?

There are several parts to a great story (taken from Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years).

  1. The characters.
  2. They have to want something.
  3. They have to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.
  4. And there has to be a climactic resolution.

So how exactly does this apply to you?

Every story has a main character.

That’s you … check.

The character has to want something.

Again, this is up to you. What do you want in life? This year? Today?

I’ll share a few things on my list. I also want Simple Marriage to be one of the best resources on the web for marriage and relationships. My wife and I both want to volunteer more in our community. We want to share life more with friends.

On a relational level, my wife and I want to continue to connect even more. To have more adventures, deeper conversations, better sex (yes, she’s on board with this, it’s not just my wish), and overall more fun together. To make this happen, we have to do more of the following.

The character has to move into the conflict in order to get what they want.

In the movies, this is called the inciting incident. It’s what sets the stage for the climactic ending where the main character saves the child, or defeats the bad guy, or goes the full fight with the much younger boxer.

On a marital level, we are presented countless opportunities to move into the conflict, but often this option is counter intuitive. Whenever you and your spouse disagree or see things differently, this is a great time to move into the conflict.

Bear in mind however, moving into the conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you must win.

If you enter into relational conflict with the plans on winning, you often wind up losing in the end. After all, if you must always be the winner, what’s that make your spouse?

I used to think that conflict was something to be avoided. That I could somehow navigate life and relationships without it. I’d take the easy way out of things. Even going so far as not speaking up if I was given the wrong meal at a restaurant.

During the first several years of marriage, I’d do almost anything to avoid conflict. I lived by the old adage - “happy wife, happy life” or “happy spouse, happy house.”

It didn’t take long to realize that when I lived according to other people’s happiness and when I habitually tried to avoid conflict, I harmed myself in the long run.

Conflict produces change.

Truth is, none of us really want to change. That’s why so many new years resolutions fail.

So what does it look like to move into conflict?

For you it may mean you finally voice your opinion on something. Or you speak up during sex because you’re getting nothing out of it at the moment. Or you start your own business on the side. Or you tell important people in your life “no” for the first time.

For me it meant speaking up and risk upsetting or disappointing my wife. It meant quitting a career to finish graduate school faster.

Basically, moving into conflict often is more about following your gut. In the midst of conflict, you generally have a gut feeling about the best way to handle the situation. Many times however, this is ignored and you simply react.

Slow down, breathe, listen to you gut.

There has to be a climactic resolution.

This is not simply when you die, although that definitely is a resolution. This is when you achieve your goal. When you connect deeper with your spouse. When you stand on top of the mountain.

Whatever it is, begin with the end in mind.

Imagine what it would be like to stand on top of the mountain. Or to truly have a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. Or a deeper connection.

This will help you envision the steps that may be necessary to get there.

Then move into the story and don’t look back.

What do you think?

(photo source)

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Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Got any more to add? Share them in the comments.

(photo source)

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I just want to be happy

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Post written by Corey Allan.

Every person seeks happiness.

You hear it all the time, “I just want to be happy.”

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained.

One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered.

Perhaps this is a major contributor to the state of our society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed.

If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase.

The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now.

It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will.

If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will.

If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be.

It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life.

It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally?

What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me.

My perspective of things will influence the results.

My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness?

If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this:

What am I grateful for in my life?

What are my successes or wins lately?

When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things I currently possess.

Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now.

I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down.

We live life at a fast enough speed as it is.

Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty.

Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding.

Do you know where you really want to go?

What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you?

Enjoy the things going on in life right now.

Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now.

Happiness is not something out there, its inside.

Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into.

By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

(photo source)

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14 Ways to ruin sex

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Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

With the launch of Sexy Marriage Radio last week, I thought it would be appropriate to run a post again about sex. This is one of my favorite posts from the Simple Marriage archives. Enjoy.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:

  1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
    Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
  2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
    This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
  3. Follow the routine each time.
    Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
  4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
    After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
  5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
    Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
  6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
    In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
  7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
    There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
  8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
    I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
  9. Criticize their physical appearance.
    As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
  10. Have sex with the TV on.
    You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
  11. Answer the phone during sex.
    You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
  12. Tweet about it before, during, and after.
    In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
  13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
    Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
  14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
    The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.
(photo source)

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Announcing… Sexy Marriage Radio

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Today I’m excited to announce a new project I’m launching with Gina Parris of Winning At Romance.

Sexy Marriage Radio

If there is one topic that is popular among readers, and not covered enough, it’s sex in marriage. That’s what Sexy Marriage Radio is all about.

The Internet is filled with sex, but most of it isn’t even close to healthy or helpful.

With Sexy Marriage Radio we hope to offer a healthy, practical, and honest conversations about how to create a marriage that is hot, healthy, and sexy.

We also hope to address and answer your questions via email and a listener feedback line, and possibly even live during a show.

So here’s what I hope you’ll do … head over to Sexy Marriage Radio and check it out. All the shows will eventually be available in iTunes, as well as Zune and Blackberry. And can you easily listen to every show on the site.

Then, let us know what you think and the topics you’d like to have addressed. You can email or call with your questions and thoughts.

Anything goes. And no topic is off limits.

And finally, help us spread the word. Sex is an interesting aspect of marriage. It’s filled with tons of pleasure, passion, and love as well as pain, struggle, and guilt. So we all can benefit from more helpful information to improve this area of our relationship and life.

I hope to see you there.

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