How To Say I’m Sorry: The 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”

And if you were the one giving the apology, did you ever walk away thinking, “I don’t know why I bother to say I’m sorry – you don’t believe me anyway!”

Both people might think, Well, I’m glad we went through the motions, but I don’t think that that “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” changes anything.

So what’s the difference between the same old same old, “I’m sorry, I apologize, or Forgive Me” and a genuine apology? Read more »

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Complaining – the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

Let’s spend a little bit more time exploring the importance of complaining and how that might play out in relationships. Let’s say that you took the complaining steps to heart and you put a good bit of effort into delivering an effective complaint – asking your spouse for a behavior change to alleviate some discomfort you experience around that behavior. Your spouse responded with amazing grace to your thoughtful request and immediately made the desired change, right? That is what happened, isn’t it??????

Or did your partner react to you as though you were still talking in your old critical, contemptuous manner?

Or did your partner eye you suspiciously, agree to make the behavior change at some unspecified point in time, and ask, “Who are you and what did you do with my wife/husband?”

Here’s where becoming a student of human behavior comes into play. Human behavior occurs in knowable, observable, and predictable patterns that shape relationships and these patterns are natural ways of reacting to real or imagined threats. We inherit relational patterns from the families that we grew up in and they inherited their patterns from the families that they grew up in – across generations. The more you know about your family’s history of functioning, the better equipped you will be to understand your functioning. Read more »

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How To Spot And Defeat The Four Marriage Killers

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Editor’s Note: This post is by Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The goal of Simple Marriage is to present the complexities of marriage that few of us understand in a simple manner that all can apply. Some basic premises that guide our thinking are

  • Human potential is shaped by human interaction.
  • Relationships are a tool designed by God to refine us.
  • Marriage, used properly, is a people growing machine.

In every post we’re looking for a way to shed light on the knowable, observable, predictable patterns of behavior that shape relationships – to make the covert, overt. Once you gain awareness that your behavior and your spouse’s behavior echo universal themes across millennia, it’s easier to focus your energy on changing and growing more self.

Think of relationships as embedded in nature – once you know that there are four seasons in every year and that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to change the season. In fact, it’s not possible to change the season – and it’s also not possible to change your spouse – or anyone else you know and love. It’s only possible to change yourself. Read more »

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Ask The Readers: What Are Your Marriage Essentials?

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There are many reasons to get married. There are also many blessings and struggles associated with marriage.

With the countless reasons people get married, what if you were able to limit the focus of your marriage to the essentials? What if you could focus on the two or three things most important to your marriage.

The essentials for each couple are different, but when you get right down to it, there are probably a few primary things you look for in your marriage relationship.

What are your marriage essentials?

Please share in the comments.

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The Lazy Marriage’s Budget

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I married a CPA. At the risk of offending the CPA society, your brains are just wired differently than the rest of us. That is definitely the case with my wife.

I consider myself to be fairly good with numbers, and I did well in Math back in school, but I’m not in the league of the CPA. Although I do find great pleasure when my checkbook balances and hers is off a few cents. She returns the joy by poking fun at how long it takes me to complete the 1 star Sudoku puzzle.

For the life of our marriage, she preferred to live within a budget. For the beginning years of our marriage I would enter the discussions kicking and screaming. I always felt a budget was far too limiting. I didn’t want to cramp my style.

Needless to say, my attitude helped get us in a financial hole.

The two most common topics fought over in marriage are money and sex. I’ve written plenty of times on the sex topic, now it’s time to tackle the money.

When it comes to budgeting, there are those that live by one and those of us that swear tomorrow we are going to sit down and write one out. The intention is honest, we just have trouble following through.

So how do you set up a budget you’ll actually follow? Read more »

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Man Up: How To Answer The Question, What Do You Do?

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While at a social event, you find yourself standing next to a guy you don’t know all that well. He approaches you and you know the question that’s coming, “So… what do you do?” As males, its hardwired into our genetics to ask this within the first few minutes of any conversation with someone we’ve just met.

The default answer to this question is to use your job title, especially if you are proud of the status associated with your job. If not, there are more colorful descriptions used. I’m a resource manager for the city (trash collector) or I’m a petroleum transfer engineer (gas station attendant).

What is it that makes us men become defined by our jobs? Since when have we become only what we do for a living? It’s like being a father or husband is not good enough. Read more »

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12 Ways to Have an Unhappy Marriage

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If you go to your local Barnes and Noble, or whatever bookstore you frequent, usually somewhere in the middle of the store you can find a relationships and marriage section. This area is often filled with everything from Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts to How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

With all the information out there regarding how to have a successful marriage, what makes the principles so hard to incorporate and apply? Granted, marriage is not so easy that there is a definitive formula that everyone can follow to discover a marriage out of this world. It still requires work and there will still be struggles.

A lasting marriage can be attained and it’s simpler than you think.

Beyond the idea of simply creating a marriage that lasts there is the joy and pleasure a marriage fully alive can provide for both participants. There are no actual steps that everyone can follow to an extremely happy marriage, but there are some sure fire ways to create an unhappy marriage. Read more »

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Man Up: The Art of Marital Conversation

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The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw

The day at work has been horrific. Emails never stopped. The voicemail light kept flashing. The boss needed the information yesterday. And to top it all off, you had a fight with your wife as you left this morning.

You feel the tension coming from the house when you get out of your car in the driveway. The kids are in their rooms doing homework and your wife approaches you and says the words most men dread: “we need to talk.”

It seems at this moment, most men have the fight or flight response. I can berate her about the timing of things, continue to insist that I’m right and she’s wrong. Or I can shrug it off and disappear with the TV, the Internet, alcohol, or the work I conveniently brought home.

What is it about talking that is so difficult for men? Granted, this does not apply to all men, but most have some trouble with deep conversation. Especially when it comes to conversing with our spouse. Read more »

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