Simple Marriage | relationships

I just want to be happy

Every person seeks happiness.

You hear it all the time, “I just want to be happy.”

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” This last phrase points out an important aspect, the pursuit of happiness. There is no guarantee that it can be obtained.

One of the common things I see is people spending most every waking moment seeking happiness. As if it is something out there to be gained or discovered.

Perhaps this is a major contributor to the state of our society.

Watch television for more than five minutes and you will see this idea confirmed.

If I can only get the car, house, boat, job, relationship, salary increase; then life will be complete. I will lack nothing, at least until the next can’t-do-without product is available for purchase.

The average adult now has more than 4 different careers in their lifetime. My father-in-law had one job from the time he was a teenager until retirement. Forty-two years at the same job. That’s almost unheard of now.

It seems our society is more into the thought that if this job won’t bring about happiness, the next one will.

If this relationship doesn’t bring about happiness, then a relationship with him or her will.

If life in this tax bracket isn’t satisfying, then the next bracket up will be.

It’s the same story over and over. Something out there will complete my life.

It will fill the void.

What if the key to happiness rests internally?

What if happiness can be learned?

This starts with the idea that happiness is up to me.

My perspective of things will influence the results.

My expectations affect the outcome.

So what is it about my life that brings me happiness?

If I change my outlook from happiness being something out there to it resting internally, ask this:

What am I grateful for in my life?

What are my successes or wins lately?

When I focus too much on what else is out there, I neglect the things I currently possess.

Going to the other extreme is also unhealthy. Spending too much time focusing on what used to be produces blurred vision about what is.

Focusing too much on the future or too much on the past, I will miss a lot of what is going on now.

I think I have told every one of my clients at some point to slow down.

We live life at a fast enough speed as it is.

Sometimes speed only produces uncertainty.

Did you realize that of all the species on the planet, humans are the only ones that when lost, speed up. All other animals will slow down or even sit down until they get their bearings before proceeding.

Do you know where you really want to go?

What is your vision for life?

If you have trouble answering the preceding questions, that’s where you should spend some time reflecting and searching. Take an inventory of your current life. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that drain you?

Enjoy the things going on in life right now.

Happiness can be learned, and it starts with what’s going on inside you now.

Happiness is not something out there, its inside.

Resting deep within your soul waiting to be tapped into.

By slowing down and seeking what you really want, life will begin to be more aligned and then more full.

(photo source)

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14 Ways to ruin sex

Written by Corey · 4 Comments

Post written by Dr. Corey Allan.

With the launch of Sexy Marriage Radio last week, I thought it would be appropriate to run a post again about sex. This is one of my favorite posts from the Simple Marriage archives. Enjoy.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:

Expect sex simply because you’re married.
Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
Have sex the same time and place every week.
This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
Follow the routine each time.
Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
Keep your clothes on during sex.
There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
Criticize their physical appearance.
As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
Have sex with the TV on.
You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
Answer the phone during sex.
You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
Tweet about it before, during, and after.
In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.

(photo source)

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Announcing… Sexy Marriage Radio

Written by Corey · 1 Comment

Today I’m excited to announce a new project I’m launching with Gina Parris of Winning At Romance.

Sexy Marriage Radio

If there is one topic that is popular among readers, and not covered enough, it’s sex in marriage. That’s what Sexy Marriage Radio is all about.

The Internet is filled with sex, but most of it isn’t even close to healthy or helpful.

With Sexy Marriage Radio we hope to offer a healthy, practical, and honest conversations about how to create a marriage that is hot, healthy, and sexy.

We also hope to address and answer your questions via email and a listener feedback line, and possibly even live during a show.

So here’s what I hope you’ll do … head over to Sexy Marriage Radio and check it out. All the shows will eventually be available in iTunes, as well as Zune and Blackberry. And can you easily listen to every show on the site.

Then, let us know what you think and the topics you’d like to have addressed. You can email or call with your questions and thoughts.

Anything goes. And no topic is off limits.

And finally, help us spread the word. Sex is an interesting aspect of marriage. It’s filled with tons of pleasure, passion, and love as well as pain, struggle, and guilt. So we all can benefit from more helpful information to improve this area of our relationship and life.

I hope to see you there.

1 comment, add yours

We have trouble communicating

Written by Corey · 9 Comments

Post written by Dr. Corey Allan. Originally posted Sept. 14, 2010.

The number one issue voiced by most couples is, “We have trouble communicating.”

It’s a common complaint.

And many couples think they would benefit from some communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.”

While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience – the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other.

If that were indeed the case then you would have very little to argue about.

Communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels.

You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

In a committed relationship, you can not not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Communication problems happen because you don’t like what the other person has to say. For instance, you may want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings, but you interrupt them when they say things you find unpleasant or disagree with (in your view, you may just want to keep the conversation “accurate”). You want a more expressive spouse, but want to control what they express.

And even if you are not talking to each other, you’re still communicating. You each know you don’t want to hear what the other has to say.

Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying – not because you can’t communicate.

I’ll say it again, communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.

When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. And through this growth you are capable of reaching new levels of passion and intimacy.

Honesty is an interesting thing. Most everyone believes they’re an honest person. But honesty with a stranger or a co-worker is different than honesty with a family member or spouse.

It’s more and more difficult to be honest in each relationship up the hierarchy of importance.

As the importance of the person increases, often the level of deep honesty decreases. Largely because the reactions to what you truly think mean more to you and involve more risk.

Here’s an example. My wife calls me up and asks how my morning was. I respond with “good, just writing away.” When in reality, I wasted the entire morning reading other blogs and searching for the latest gadget that will change my life forever. I don’t want to admit to her that I’m lazy. That means I’m admitting it to myself as well.

Or you’re sitting on the beach with your spouse as an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. At that moment your spouse asks you what you’re thinking, do you tell them?

Being honest brings about growth in yourself and your spouse. If your thoughts are totally inappropriate in the beach scenario, I’m guessing you don’t share them with your spouse. But what does your honesty, or lack of honesty, say about you?

So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?

1. Speak up. By speaking up I’m not saying that you remove the filter between your brain and mouth, but speak up more. How often do you avoid replying or bringing something up out of fear of your partner’s reaction? There are times when you need to speak up in order to help your marriage and each other grow.

Many couples fall victim to thinking “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m feeling or thinking.” What part of your vows stated you’d read each other’s minds for as long as you both shall live? I’m guessing that wasn’t part of the ceremony.

Stop sitting back waiting for your spouse to pick up on the fact that you’re frustrated, ticked off, hurt, or lonely and speak up. Two things will happen. One, you will grow up a bit more because you’ve taken charge of your thoughts and emotions and two, your partner will grow up because you’re treating them like an adult who’s capable of handling your thoughts and emotions.

2. Make the obvious, obvious. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, when you come home you know it’s likely to be stressful there as well, right? So rather than letting the elephant in the room (the stress level in your life) walk around freely, point it out before you and your spouse get in to it.

A simple, “Hey honey, good to see you, (kiss), I’d like about 5 minutes to decompress from my day before I hear about your day, alright?”

Another way to make the obvious obvious is when the discussion starts to get heated, point it out. When you raise your voice in a conversation, it’s no longer about what’s best for all the people involved, it’s about your power and your pride.

3. Grow up. Many people go kicking and screaming into adulthood. I was one of them. I wanted things my way! Still do at times.

I used to think that life was all about me. And problems occurred when other people didn’t know this.

Marriage grows you up. Living with another person forces you to grow up. And just when it seems your spouse is done growing you up, your kids take over. That’s a simple fact of marriage.

Recognize this and harness the energy it creates.

Rather than seeing your spouse as someone who doesn’t get you, see them as someone who may want more from you. They may be looking for an erotic lover, a passionate friend, a warrior, a true supporter, or simply a partner in life’s adventure.

________

Interested in more on communication in marriage?

Check out He Said, She Said.

(photo source)

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How to Handle Discipline in a Blended Family

Written by Melissa · 5 Comments

Post written by Blended Family columnist Melissa Gorzelanczyk of Peace & Projects.

Let’s talk about discipline.

It’s a difficult subject for blended families.

Divorce or separation creates chaos in the family. Rules and expectations often become a gray area for the kids, especially during the transition time. To make it even more confusing, kids are moved from one household to the next, usually on a weekly basis. If the separated parents agree on how to raise the child, that’s excellent. Unfortunately, this is not often the case.

When Mom or Dad remarries, what role do stepparents play in discipline?

Experts recommend letting the biological parent be the direct disciplinarian.

This is great in theory.

I’ve found it doesn’t always make sense. Some behaviors need an immediate response. If I’m home with the kids, it’s my job to stop bad behavior and support Mr. Right’s house rules. Sometimes, no matter what the experts say, it’s my job to discipline the children.

We’ve learned a lot about how to handle discipline over the years. We’ve made mistakes – and made adjustments from there. Here are some guidelines to help you handle discipline in your blended family:

Define your role, together.

Talk to your spouse about what he envisions your role will be with the step children. You should both be very specific. Ask questions. Will you be scheduling their doctor’s appointments? Will you be overseeing their daily homework? What happens if expectations aren’t met? Should you tell your spouse, or enforce the consequence on your own?

By discussing your role, you have a road map to help you define it in the years to come. It’s taken 5 years of marriage for me to feel mostly comfortable in my role as a stepparent. The beginning was extremely hard. The good news is, it gets better. Talking about your role will help the process.

Rules and expectations

These have to be clear for everyone, kids included. First, create some house rules with your spouse. Write them down. I would recommend keeping them simple so the kids aren’t overwhelmed. Some basic rules to consider are things like:

Speak, act and treat people with respect.
Listen to parents.
Be kind.
Clean up after self.
Talk about problems.
Work hard.

Defining this list lets everyone know what’s expected. The biological parent should lead a family meeting to discuss the expectations. Now, your step kids won’t be as surprised – or take it personally – when they lose TV privileges for breaking a house rule.

Consequences

Just like an adult that gets a speeding ticket, your kids’ actions have a consequence. In our home, when the kids break a house rule, there’s a consequence for that choice. It helps to let them know what the consequences are. Our children are at the ages where privileges are lost as a consequence. That might mean:

No TV
No video games
Grounded to the house
Early bed
No phone
No weekend plans

You and your spouse should discuss reasonable consequences for breaking the rules. Get on the same page.

Handling backlash

I’m not sure how many times my kids have said, “You’re not even my real mom.” It’s happened a lot. And it hurts.

Here are a few good ways to respond:

“I’m your parent.” Leave it at that.
“I feel unappreciated when you say things like that.”
“That’s disrespectful and I don’t like it.” If you can, walk away until emotions cool down.

My advice is: Don’t engage in a power struggle with your step kids over hurtful statements. You are a parent and an authority figure in the home. That’s not something you’re going to debate with them. As for your hurt feelings, a walk, snuggle with the dog or glass of wine helps.

Asking for help

Sometimes, stepparents are doing too much. If you are overwhelmed and your home is a battlefield, it might be time to ask your spouse for extra support.

Maybe you just need to talk, or your spouse might need to take drastic measures, like giving up a hobby so he can be home to handle the kids more. First and foremost, you are his wife, and luckily for him, also his partner to help raise the kids. Feeling supported as a wife needs to come first.

Reality

Helping to raise my step kids is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. No one is perfect. All we can do is try. What I do know is that when applied, the tips above bring peace to me. That helps bring balance to everything – our marriage, relationships with the kids and taking care of myself, too. My wish is that all stepparents can feel that way.

How involved are you with disciplining your stepchildren?

(photo source)

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Don’t analyze your wife

Written by Corey · 23 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

23 comments, add yours

From a nice guy to a man of his word

Written by Corey · 12 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

Last week I reposted an article about nice guys.

To continue this discussion I want to unpack this more.

Nice Guys carry with them the fundamental belief that if they are good enough and do what others expect them to do they will be loved, cared for, and have a smooth and happy life.

When you get right down to it, this is purely a manipulation.

It’s an act in order to attain something from someone else.

Here’s a classic example that may have even played out in your marriage.

It’s not uncommon that a Nice Guy will do things throughout the day in hopes that his wife will be interested in sex later that night. I’ve even come across some posts on other blogs promoting this idea: Learn how vacuuming will lead to love or Learn the power of the L-spot (laundry).

What makes this a manipulation, and a common Nice Guy move, is the giving from the Nice Guy is in an area unrelated to the desire he hopes is met. It’s a hoping for sex without speaking up or initiating.

Household responsibilities are just that, responsibilities. You are both in charge of that area of your life together.

If you help out with the kids (which you likely helped create by the way) or you do chores or cook or provide for your family – that may loosen the belt to her pants a bit, but if what you really desire is to get in her pants, tell her. Speak up. She probably already sees straight through your attempt at manipulating them off her anyway.

Now back to more characteristics of a Nice Guy.

Everybody has a couple of these traits, Nice Guys have most of them.

Gives to others in expectation that they will return something back. At the core this is manipulative. The Nice Guy hopes that if he gives to others, they will in turn give back to him, without him having to ask for or express his desires or needs. This is why Nice Guys are fix it guys and caretakers at heart. They think that if they can solve other people’s problems they’ll receive love in return.
Seeks approval from others. Nice Guys are defined by those around them. Parents, spouse, co-workers, friends, careers. Everything they do is calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval.
Avoid conflict like the plague. Nothing disrupts the Nice Guy’s world more than conflict, therefore it is often avoided at all cost. Especially when it comes to spouse and family.
Avoid exposing their humanness. Nice Guys believe that if they display their perceived flaws or mistakes, others will disapprove and possible leave them. When faced with their mistakes, Nice Guys are experts at deflecting the issue or blame.
Coupled with the previous point, Nice Guys will repress their feelings. They choose to analyze things rather than feel. They believe they can think their way through everything. They have trouble sharing how they feel with others. And the times they do display their feelings it’s often only through angry outbursts and eruptions.
Must be politically correct. In fact, look up Nice Guy in the dictionary and you’ll see a politician’s face.
More comfortable relating to women than men. Nice Guys often have few male friends.
Have trouble expressing or making their needs and wants a priority. Nice Guys live in fear of being seen as selfish.

While the Nice Guy is prominent in our society, the answer is not found in going to the other extreme.

180° from crazy is just another form of crazy.

Breaking free from being a Pleaser requires you to create a more solid sense of self. And this applies to both male and females.

A full grown adult:

Has a strong sense of self. He knows who he is … and who he’s not. He knows his strengths and limitations. Plus, he likes himself just as he is.
Has come to the realization that it’s up to him to take responsibility for getting his needs and desires met. I believe that nobody can take care of you better than you. So a man takes responsibility for himself and his desires, not at the expense of others however, because that would be going to the other extreme.
Recognizes that gender is important. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
Speaks the truth. Truth is truth – and a man can handle both hearing it and speaking it. While we’re on the subject, let’s briefly discuss lying. Anything less than the truth is a lie. Leaving something out in order to skirt a conflict is a lie. Be willing to speak the truth and take the hit for it if necessary.
Is a leader without being controlling. I truly believe that men were created to lead. To provide for and protect those he loves. Most of the women I’ve counseled have longed for their husbands to step up and lead the family. Sadly, many men have sat on the sidelines. Falling victim to the belief that if they provide for the family that’s enough. Leadership requires love, sacrifice, care, power, grace, strength, passion and even partnership at times.
Has integrity. He lives from his core values and beliefs. He does what’s in line with his values not just what’s expedient.
Works through conflict. A man knows that conflict in inevitable so he doesn’t run from it. Instead, he’s solid enough to confront the issues in his life by speaking the truth, accepting others influence, asking for help when necessary, and letting go of his attachment to the outcome of each situation. He knows he can’t control everything in his life and lets go of those things beyond his control.
Can be nurturing and caring without being Mr. Fix It. Men do have a tender and caring side and a man can listen attentively without trying to fix things or being defensive in reaction to someone elses feelings.
Can be passionate and emotionally expressive. Although society has conditioned us that there are only a couple of acceptable emotions (happiness, anger, and sadness) a man can feel and express all his emotions. Men and women are all emotional beings. Live from them. It’s part of the pathway to a passionate life.

Let me close my part of this discussion with this – I believe that men and women were created intentionally as male and female. They’re complimentary.

One gender is not better than the other.

The whole point of this whole thing is to be better … a better man … a better woman.

Be who you are!

We each have a part to play in the story of our lives. So be a good character in your story, as you were created to be.

To me there is nothing more attractive than a person with self respect and a solid sense of self.

Your turn.

Source – Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
(photo source)

12 comments, add yours

6 tips for self-soothing in marriage

Written by Corey · 13 Comments

Post written by Corey Allan

There are many things that produce stress and tension in marriage.

Could be routine and schedules packed to the brim.

Could be the lack of passion.

Or there’s the miscommunications.

It could also be simply a look or reaction from your spouse.

A lot of our anxiety comes from our expectations and beliefs about relationships.

Many people fall victim to the “if you love me you’ll give up what you want and do what I want” dynamic. Others may fall into the give to get trap.

Regardless of whether or not these or other unhealthy dynamics are present in your marriage, the question is what will you do about it?

Self examination and self reflection in marriage can be difficult and painful.

It can produce agitation, short fuses, a low threshold for emotions. It can also lead to arguments, tension, and distance between you.

But, one of the best, and most loving things you can do in marriage is grow up. And a great step in the growing direction is learning how to quiet and calm yourself in the midst of difficulty and discomfort.

When you are more about to hold onto yourself you can then lean into the conflict in order to create something better … namely, a better you.

Here are some tips to help keep you focused during these times:

Give your dilemma meaning. It’s amazing how much more pain and discomfort we can tolerate when give things and different meaning. Rather than seeing struggles in your relationship as something your spouse is doing to you, focus on trying to change your own life. Hopefully the belief that marriage is designed to grow us up into better people helps make better meanings of our struggles.
If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior. Stop talking. Concentrate on your breathing. Lower your heart rate. Lower your volume and relax your body. If you find yourself saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but …” take your own advice.
Don’t take your spouse’s behavior (or lack of response) personal. No sense making things harder than they have to be. Focus on increasing a more solid sense of self.
Calming down may mean you break contact. Taking a break is a successful strategy, provided it’s a break and not an avoidance. Take the time to self-soothe and recharge, not veg out and disengage completely. One thing that helps ensure it’s just a break is offer to schedule a time to reconnect when you break.
Use time apart from your spouse effectively. Use time apart to replenish yourself. Exercise, read, create something, spend time in a hobby, do something productive. Outside interests can calm and refuel you, depending on how you use them. Note: Time spent apart commiserating about marital issues with friends isn’t really time apart from your spouse.
Stop negative mental tapes. Humans are great at replaying thoughts from childhood and past experiences. Take a moment and break the pattern by focusing on your surroundings: you’re not a child anymore, you’re also not in the same state of relationship as before … truth is you’ve grow, matured, evolved. So has your spouse. Be present. Sort through your thoughts and emotions and breathe in and out.

Calming yourself and working through issues in marriage is the process of growth at work. Not every strategy will work in every situation. The point is, discover what helps you stay involved and connected.

Avoiding a situation in marriage and life is a terrible form of self-soothing. In the end, you end up less developed with less of a relationship.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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I just want to be happy

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14 Ways to ruin sex

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Announcing… Sexy Marriage Radio

We have trouble communicating

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