6 tips for self-soothing in marriage

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calm, relax

Post written by Corey Allan

There are many things that produce stress and tension in marriage.

Could be routine and schedules packed to the brim.

Could be the lack of passion.

Or there’s the miscommunications.

It could also be simply a look or reaction from your spouse.

A lot of our anxiety comes from our expectations and beliefs about relationships.

Many people fall victim to the “if you love me you’ll give up what you want and do what I want” dynamic. Others may fall into the give to get trap.

Regardless of whether or not these or other unhealthy dynamics are present in your marriage, the question is what will you do about it?

Self examination and self reflection in marriage can be difficult and painful.

It can produce agitation, short fuses, a low threshold for emotions. It can also lead to arguments, tension, and distance between you.

But, one of the best, and most loving things you can do in marriage is grow up. And a great step in the growing direction is learning how to quiet and calm yourself in the midst of difficulty and discomfort.

When you are more about to hold onto yourself you can then lean into the conflict in order to create something better … namely, a better you.

Here are some tips to help keep you focused during these times:

  1. Give your dilemma meaning. It’s amazing how much more pain and discomfort we can tolerate when give things and different meaning. Rather than seeing struggles in your relationship as something your spouse is doing to you, focus on trying to change your own life. Hopefully the belief that marriage is designed to grow us up into better people helps make better meanings of our struggles.
  2. If you can’t regulate your emotions, control your behavior. Stop talking. Concentrate on your breathing. Lower your heart rate. Lower your volume and relax your body. If you find yourself saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but …” take your own advice.
  3. Don’t take your spouse’s behavior (or lack of response) personal. No sense making things harder than they have to be. Focus on increasing a more solid sense of self.
  4. Calming down may mean you break contact. Taking a break is a successful strategy, provided it’s a break and not an avoidance. Take the time to self-soothe and recharge, not veg out and disengage completely. One thing that helps ensure it’s just a break is offer to schedule a time to reconnect when you break.
  5. Use time apart from your spouse effectively. Use time apart to replenish yourself. Exercise, read, create something, spend time in a hobby, do something productive. Outside interests can calm and refuel you, depending on how you use them. Note: Time spent apart commiserating about marital issues with friends isn’t really time apart from your spouse.
  6. Stop negative mental tapes. Humans are great at replaying thoughts from childhood and past experiences. Take a moment and break the pattern by focusing on your surroundings: you’re not a child anymore, you’re also not in the same state of relationship as before … truth is you’ve grow, matured, evolved. So has your spouse. Be present. Sort through your thoughts and emotions and breathe in and out.

Calming yourself and working through issues in marriage is the process of growth at work. Not every strategy will work in every situation. The point is, discover what helps you stay involved and connected.

Avoiding a situation in marriage and life is a terrible form of self-soothing. In the end, you end up less developed with less of a relationship.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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How to unlock your sexual potential

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Post written by Corey Allan
Originally posted March 9, 2010.

Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?

Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?

The fine art of doing and being done.

At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.

Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.

I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.

If you’re one of the many who’ve yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.

It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.

This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.

Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do.

But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.

So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?

The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.

For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born.

If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?

Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.

When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.

Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.

Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.

So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?

Could you handle that?

Many of you will quickly reply … yes!

Really though?

Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and truly take her.

And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.

If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.

  1. Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down.  When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
  2. Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
  3. Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.

Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.

Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.

But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.

You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.

So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!

(photo source)
Sources:
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

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Start treating your spouse like a dog

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Post written by Dating and Romance columnist Tamara Wilhelm of Imagine Hope Counseling.

If you own a dog or a cat then you know the loving relationship between owner and animal.

A pet is dependable, loving and trustworthy. They’re always there to please.

Truthfully, we could learn a lot about how to treat our significant others by how we treat our pets.

What if we talked to our loved ones the way we talked to our dogs?

Sure, it might be funny at first to walk in the door after work and hear our spouse say, (insert doggie voice) “Hey there! How was your day? You get a lot accomplished? How are you feeling? You want to sit down and talk? I missed you….yes I did. I sure did miss you!”

Ok, it would be awkward at first. However, it is more refreshing than greeting each other with negativity about the day and “What’s for dinner?”

Try to make the first 60 seconds of your initial interaction with a loved one positive. Any requests or constructive complaints can come after this amount of time.

What if we touched each other as much as we touched our pets?

Petting our dog or cat is how we show love to them. We rub their bellies or grab their favorite toy to play.

Relationships need physical touch as well. I don’t mean just sex. Hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling serve a purpose as well.

Imagine what would happen if you sat on the couch and cuddled more. Or went to bed at the same time and had pillow talk?

Do you “walk” your marriage just as you would your pet? Going out on dates, setting aside time in the evenings for conversation, or having a weekly check-in with each other can exercise your relationship and keep it healthy.

What if we forgave each other as we do our pets?

Pets have accidents in the house. Pets tear up our nice things. Pets make mistakes.

We still love them.

We talk to them in those silly voices. We let them sleep in our beds and snuggle up close.

Loved ones hurt our feelings. Significant others anger us. Spouses forget requests we’ve asked of them.

How do we often respond?

We give silent treatments. We lecture. We criticize & hold grudges. We sleep in separate bedrooms or on the couch.

What do we need to remember?

  • It’s not personal. Our pets do not have accidents in the house on purpose, neither do our loved ones intentionally set out to hurt or harm us.
  • We’re allowed to make mistakes. Extending grace in relationships is a very healing quality. Mistakes will happen. Period.
  • Practice the Golden Rule. Here’s a question I ask myself, “Would I want to be married to me right now?” That helps me determine what behavior I need to change and keep.

Do you love your spouse unconditionally as you love your pet?

What other suggestions do you have for showing unconditional love? We’d love to hear them.

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I want you to want me

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Post written by Corey Allan

Over the past two weeks, we’ve had some great discussions about sexual desire differences and how this is part of every marriage.

Let’s wrap up this discussion by expanding the Four Points of Balance proposed by Dr. David Schnarch (and once again, these are trademarked by him and can be found in his work).

  1. A solid flexible self is different than a reflected sense of self as it means you’re able to maintain your psychological shape while in close proximity to important people who pressure you to conform or accommodate them. You don’t have to keep your distance (emotionally or physically) in order to stay clear about who you are.
    The more solid you are, the more important you can let your spouse be to you, and the more you can let yourself be truly known. You can seek advice and let yourself be influenced by others; you can change your mind when warranted; and you can be flexible without losing your identity.
  2. Having a quiet mind and calm heart allows you to regulate your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties. The inability to soothe and comfort yourself means your desires and life’s frustrations will pull you apart.
    Self-soothing is the ability to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurt feelings, and keep your fears and anxieties under control. This point of balance is what separates us from the other species on the planet and plays a critical role in mature adult love.
  3. Making grounded responses to the people and events around you means you don’t overreact to your spouse’s anxieties. This concept is especially important when it comes to interacting with those you love.
    Due to the nature of marriage, you’ve experienced the idea that other people have minds of their own, replete with perceptions, beliefs, and desires. When it comes to the people you love, being able to make grounded responses will help you remain close and connected, even when you don’t see eye to eye.
  4. The ability to meaningfully endure means you endure discomfort for the sake of growth. All species seek pleasure and avoid pain, but humans are adaptive in that they can forego immediate gratification and endure hardship. This is what makes us able to pursue long-term goals and stick to the values we hold dear.
    The ability to endure the pain and heartache of relationships is what makes marriage, family, parenting and caring for others possible. It’s not easy, but it’s easier to tolerate when your pain and heartache is meaningful, or when it serves some purpose you value, or when something good may come out of it.

Each of these aspects are involved in maintaining, caring for, and developing your self – and are vital when it comes to handling gridlock. They help you keep (and/or develop) your emotional balance when things get rough.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you able to stay clear about who you are in the face of opposition? Or do you fall apart?
  • Can you calm yourself when you’re upset or hurt, or do you need someone else to comfort you?
  • When you hit relational difficulties, do you overreact and run away from (or cling to) your spouse?
  • Do you accomplish those difficult things that need to be done to meet your goals or do you give up, bail out, or goof off?

If you want to experience the kind of marriage (or sex) you want – it’s your responsibility.

And on the flip side – it’s highly possible that you are killing the sexual passion and desire in your marriage by the way you live your life.

Remember, you are responsible for you, and all you can do is present something worth wanting.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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How desire differences help create a better marriage

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Post written by Corey Allan

There’s always a low desire spouse and there’s always a high desire spouse – and there’s one of each in every marriage.

The most common reaction to this is to believe there’s something wrong … either with yourself, your spouse, the relationship, or all the above.

For starters, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.

Second, if there’s nothing going wrong, it’s more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.

Last time we discussed the idea that there’s a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on virtually every issue and decision in marriage. And, no one is the low desire, or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.

Fact is, desire differences are going to happen – and the positions you take (low or high) are simply points on a continuum.

There will be a high desire spouse and there will be a low desire spouse. And contrary to popular belief, the high desire spouse isn’t always male. As the comments in the prior post attest, it’s just as likely that the high desire spouse will be female.

While neither the high or low desire position is right or wrong, one thing will be true … the low desire spouse always controls sex. And this is true whether the low desire spouse wants to, or likes it, or not.

Couples have often sought ways around this problem. Or more aptly stated, high desire spouses have sought ways to increase their spouse’s desire.

But, inevitably, the low desire spouse will control sex.

Here’s how this works:

  1. The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
  2. The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
  3. Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex – whether he or she wants it or not.

When you look at it this way it seems simple.

The key is – how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you’re the high or the low desire spouse.

The fact that you experience desire differences doesn’t necessarily mean there is something going wrong – and shifting your perspective could change everything.

It could open the door to you both using your sexual desire differences more productively. Desire problems can be useful to people and relationships – they push you to become more solid within yourself.

Being in a committed relationship brings two life forces front and center. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

The desire to connect and share experiences with another person and the refusal to submit to another person’s tyranny.

When it comes to sexual desire, the low desire spouse understands tyranny. He or she feels oppressed, pressured to want sex and have sex, thanks to the badgering by their spouse’s higher desire. BUT, the high desire spouse understands tyranny too. He or she will feel the pressure to have sex when and how it’s available since opportunities may be few and far between. They must settle for “getting lucky” rather than feeling wanted. And on top of all this, they usually must act grateful for mediocre sex.

Marriage: a state of slavery involving two masters and two slaves. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Sex is a common gridlock issue. And gridlock in marriage is inevitable … but also resolvable.

When it comes to sex, sure, the low desire spouse can stop having it, but there’s usually a limit to how far you can play that card if you want to stay married – particularly happily married.

So what can you do?

Put simply, grow up!

Plus, you must realize that what we’re talking about here is not just sex. There’s a whole lot more going on.

Most of the time, sex is approached from an other-validation stance (also called a reflected sense of self).

Take intimacy for example. Other-validated intimacy involves one spouse disclosing feelings, perceptions, doubts, fears, and inner truths and the other spouse 1)accepting, validating, and empathizing, and/or 2) disclosing in kind.

Other-validation hinges on reciprocity.

In sex this plays out as I’ll do you then you do me.

What this actually does is boosts or shores up your reflected sense of self.

Here’s something you must get straight in your mind: Being intimate with your spouse doesn’t mean you get the response you want.

Marriage is an interdependent relationship – it’s resilience lies in both spouse’s ability to function independently.

Holding on to your self

The balance between your reflected sense of self and your solid flexible self has a dramatic effect on your level of sexual desire and passion – and whether or not you miss it when they’re non-existent.

Plus, there’s more to developing your self than simply staying true to your values and goals.

You may be a good person with fine values and good intent, but if your anxieties drive you to avoid things or act impulsively, you’ll do things that violate your integrity, ideals and goals, and diminish your self-worth. You’ll react harshly to other family members when your anxiety is high, which may go against your ideal of being a good solid parent, which then makes you feel guilty, thus your self-worth takes another hit.

Dr. David Schnarch has created Four Points of Balance (all of which are trademarked by him and can be found in his work) that are part of the people developing process of marriage.

  1. Solid flexible self – This is the ability to be clear about who you are and what you’re about, especially when your spouse (or others) pressure you to adapt and conform.
  2. Quiet mind, calm heart – Is being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts and regulate your own anxieties.
  3. Grounded responding – Is the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your spouse gets anxious or upset.
  4. Meaningful endurance – Is being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your marriage, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth. (Schnarch, 2009)

When it comes to sex, like I stated before, there’s more going on than just sex.

Look at it this way – There are many things I can do to get my wife to have sex with me. I can woo her, set up a romantic date, get her several drinks, manipulate, beg, persuade, plus many other things that may work. But, none of these tactics will make her want me.

That’s something I can’t control.

When it comes to being wanted … all I can do is present something worth wanting.

And something worth wanting develops best when you confront yourself, challenge yourself to do what’s right, and earn your own self respect.

A scary proposition, yes. But it’s the way a marriage fully alive really works.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York

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How to view sexual desire differences

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sexual desire difference

Post written by Corey Allan

Are you the high desire or the low desire spouse when it comes to sex?

Have desire differences created problems in your marriage?

Sooner or later, most couples experience problems in this area. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples.

It’s natural to feel bad about having sexual desire problems, especially if you believe that sex is a natural function.

Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. At first glance, this makes a lot of sense.

But once you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes “naturally,” you’re in for a load of eventual problems. You’ll feel pressured to create something that just isn’t there. You’ll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life. You may even begin to feel defective or screwed up. In turn, it’s less likely that you’ll address these sexual desire problems and even less likely you’ll succeed if you do.

When you believe that sex is a natural function, it sucks to be the low desire spouse. You may see yourself as the one with the problem … plus it’s likely that your spouse (the high desire spouse) sees you that way too.

The other big problem with approaching sexual desire as a natural biological function is it actually helps create low sexual desire because it makes sexual desire impersonal. It’s hard to desire sex when it feels like your spouse just wants to relieve their physical needs.

Dr. David Schnarch proposes a completely different way to view desire differences.

There’s always a low desire spouse and there’s always a high desire spouse – and there’s one of each in every marriage.

There’s a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on virtually every issue and decision in marriage. One of you wants to do something the other doesn’t, or wants to less than you. And even if you both want the same thing, one of you will want it more than the other.

Plus, no one is the low desire, or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.

Desire differences are going to happen. And the positions you take (low or high desire) are simply points on a continuum.

The most freeing point of this view, neither the high desire position or the low desire position is right or wrong.

They’re simply differences.

Let’s say you want to have sex every day, you’d likely think that would make you the high desire spouse. But if you’re married to a person that wants sex two times per day, you’re the low desire spouse. Desire isn’t either high or low due to biological drive, past history, or even how much you like sex – it results from some standard of comparison, usually this is your spouse.

If you buy into this idea it will help you stop the arguments over how much sexual desire is normal or healthy.

Let me state this a different way – I really like sex.

I also really like chocolate – but not every day.

When my wife and I have attempted to have sex every day for a certain number of days in a row, it becomes burdensome and impersonal. But does that mean the couples who have sex more often than us are better or healthier than us? Nope.

Same for those that are less frequent.

This is the comparison devil rearing its head again.

Differences are going to happen in marriage.

Especially when it comes to sexual desire.

Why?

Because this is how relationships are designed and operate.

There’s more going on than “happily ever after.”

When it comes to marriage, the relationship is driven by more than just feelings, plus it helps to realize that feelings aren’t always accurate.

I believe this idea can help you to stop taking things so personally in your relationship and begin to grow up and experience more than you imagine in your relationships.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York
(photo source)

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The importance of dreaming together

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Post written by dates and romance columnist Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship.

Picture a couple in their mid-twenties on their very first date. They’re standing in line for the Splash Mountain ride at Disneyland.

If you get in a little closer, you’ll hear the guy telling the girl all about one of his most cherished dreams that he wants to accomplish in the future. He’s rambling on and on about all of the specific details of his dream. If you look at the girl, you’ll see she’s listening to every word, and somehow, deep down, wants to be part of that dream.

That couple was me and my (future) wife. Somehow, my dream resonated strongly with her. She’s told me that it was at that moment, on our very first date, that she knew there was something more to us than just a fun first date.

What Does it Mean to Dream?

I’m not referring to the dreams you have while sleeping. I’m referring the dreams that you share together as a couple. You could also call them aspirations, goals, plans, even desires.

These dreams are often shared with each other even before you get married. In many cases (like mine) it’s what helps to “woo” each other as you realize you have many common goals.

After marriage, these dreams provide the glue that keeps you working together. They give you a purpose to your everyday activities. Where you live, your job, how you spend your free time, and so forth are all determined by these dreams.

For example, let’s say you create a dream together to one day move to Hawaii and live the island life. If this is your deepest desire, then everything you do will keep you focused on that dream.

You might start looking for ways to downsize your stuff to make the move easier. You might start looking for a job or other source of income in Hawaii. You might spend time on real estate websites looking at properties on the beach. You might even trim back some of your expenses to start saving for the move.

7 Key Ways to Dream Together

  1. Become dream partners – take time to bounce ideas off of each other.
  2. Make sure they line up with your common values – this will cement in your resolve to attain them.
  3. Be supportive of each other’s dreams – no dream is too big or small, practical or absurd.
  4. Go to an inspirational place – get outside, go to a park, or even some place with a vista.
  5. Make your dream strong and vivid – it must engage you both at your core and get your emotions stirring.
  6. Write them down – put them up in a visible place where you can see them every day.
  7. Think about them daily – make sure your daily activities are in line with actually living your dream!

Dreaming together as a couple (and family) is powerful. It’s important to note that this dreaming process only works when it’s carried out through daily action. To dream is the start. To live the dream is the payoff.

In case you’re wondering, the dream I shared with my to-be wife was all about an amazing beach party still in our future. It’s evolved now to be our common dream we’re going to live 7 years from now. I’ll spare you the complete details, but it has to do with our 40th birthday party (we’re both the same age).

It involves an evening at a day’s end of playing in the ocean. Imagine a white sandy beach, warm tropical breeze, reggae music, lights on strings, and an entire party of friends and family all dancing and relaxing together. It’s something that moves us and we’ve planned our life accordingly to make it happen.

What’s one of your most powerful dreams as a couple?

What are you doing to achieve it?

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Expectations equal unhappiness

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Whatever you focus on, grows.

So how much time and energy do you spend focused on your expectations?

A good working definition of expectations is planned disappointment. And expectations are directly correlated with happiness, or more aptly, unhappiness.

When what we expect to happen does not happen, we are disappointed and we suffer pain at some level. The greater the expectation, the greater the pain.

Ironically, we are also likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met!

I shall explain.

We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen.

If you expect your spouse to help with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your spouse does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your spouse does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

  • Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
  • Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
  • Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
  • Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

When you are dog tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your spouse cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected them to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help!

When you are truly grateful for something, you cannot help but feel happiness.

Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. ~ Dennis Prager

Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Where do our expectations come from?

Our expectations are the confused result of our reactions, our thoughts, and our emotional heritage. We confuse wants with needs, anticipation with expectation, loneliness with emptiness, touch with sex, talk with communication, ideals with reality, and self with relationships.

We confuse what we can get only from within ourselves with what we can get only from a relationship.

This confusion drives us to continually

  • try to get from someone else what we can get only from ourselves,
  • or try to get from ourselves what we can get only from a relationship.

No matter how hard or long we try, we will never be complete in this life.

We cannot be complete as an individual, and we cannot be complete by marrying or having children.

We cannot be completely secure emotionally nor can we know everything about any one thing.

When we are fixated on finding completeness in this life, we become so anxious that we either aim for absolute safety or we stay paralyzed for fear of not getting it [completeness].

The expectation that we can be complete and the desperate search for it leads people to attempt the impossible. The fantasy world is full of the illusion of completeness – which leads people to drugs, sex, alcohol, money, conflict, helplessness, power – all of the world’s ills.

We’re all a little lonely, we all feel some sense of inadequacy, some fear of failure – in other words, we all feel some emptiness.

This is a natural state of being, and in my Christian worldview, designed by God to draw us to Him.

Growing up – becoming emotionally mature – is all about how we handle the uncertainty – the incompleteness – of life. When we are able to accept and understand that this emptiness is a natural part of being human, we are on the path to a better life.

The less aware we are of our own emptiness, the more unrealistically we raise our level of expectations on others. High expectations become hypersensitive and emotionally reactive. So much focus is placed on what others are or are not doing that there is little time left for self-focus.

The more successfully we can lower our expectations of others, the more time we have to develop our personal sense of responsibility – and the more effort we put into living up to our personal responsibilities, the more we experience responsibility as joy and fulfillment.

Unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want now.

We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be more – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful.

Make gratitude a habit.

  • Write down three things everyday that you are grateful for –– and see how many days you can come up three things to be grateful for – without repeating yourself!
  • Get a copy of The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude by Sarah Ban Breathnach and write in it everyday for a year.
  • Write your gratitudes on post-it notes and stick them around the house, in the car, in your spouse/kids’ lunch bags . . . surround yourself with reminders of what you have to be grateful for.
  • Send a note to everyone that helped you in some way this year – and start with those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, your parents, and your siblings.

Whatever you focus on, grows.

Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

Another great read on this idea can be found here: Toss your expectations into the ocean.

Prager, D. 1998. Happiness is a serious problem.
Fogarty, T.F. 1978. On emptiness and closeness. In The Family, Compendium I.
(photo source)

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