Simple Marriage | relationships

The paradox of relationships

How many chameleons do you meet each day?

People who have the ability to blend into the group they’re with.

I know you’ve met a few, perhaps you’ve married one, or you’re one yourself.

A chameleon is the person who becomes whatever they believe the people they’re with want them to be in order to be liked. He’s the guy who uses the big words when he’s with his smart friends, talks sports with his athletic friends, cusses and swears with his work friends, is the perfect son when around his mother, and all business talk when with his father.

Underneath it all, the chameleon has no idea who they are or if anyone else would like them if they were able to just be themselves.

What drives them is the desire to be what they perceive others want them to be because if they don’t, they’re afraid they’ll wind up alone.

The irony of all this – they likely already feel alone most of the time anyway.

Since chameleons do not believe they are okay and likable just as they are, they will go to great lengths to convince themselves and others that they are lovable.

If you’re a chameleon, you may focus on something about yourself, or what you do, or even who you’re around in order to attain the approval and validation you seek from others – things like your looks, talent, smarts, work ethic, kindness, attractive spouse, cute kids, nice house or nice car.

While everyone gives these parts of life some thought, chameleons attach these parts to the perceived value it provides for their life. Let me give you an example:

Steve uses the various parts of his life to win approval and love from others. He prides himself for always being in a good mood, dressing well, living in the right neighborhood, driving a nice and always clean car, having cute kids, and an attractive wife. When he and his wife go out, he’s very concerned about how she looks because of the reflection her attractiveness to others has on him.

Steve also wants to be seen as a good dad, so he likes to dress his kids so they look cute, then take them to the park. He believes when others see his kids they will smile and perceive him to be a good father.

What’s interesting is that no one really values Steve for his attachments, as none of these things have anything to do with who he is as a man.

The Dilemma Of Close Relationships

Relationships, especially close ones, present a problem (and we all face this problem).

There’s no way that you can be in a close, committed relationship, and not have your partner discover who you really are.

This is the reason intimate relationships are so difficult. They’re balancing acts.

Every committed relationship carries with it the fear of hurt or betrayal due to vulnerability and the fear of isolation or loneliness if you’re not close. How you navigate this balancing act is the mechanism for growth in the relationship.

In reality: You can get as close as YOU choose in your relationships.

Perhaps you’ve believed the opposite – that your partner has to be open and available in order to create intimacy in the relationship. This is known as “other-validation,” and it’s very common in relationships (especially marriage).

Other-validated intimacy looks like this:

“I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it’s only fair. But before I go, you have to make me safe and secure. I need to be able to trust you.”

When you approach relationships with too much emphasis on the other person and their reaction, response or validation – you create the chameleon. And being in a relationship as a chameleon, or with one, almost ensures that neither partner will experience the intimacy and love both are seeking in the relationship.

Being intimate with someone doesn’t mean you get the response you want.

There’s a fundamental truth at work in every relationship – relationships (good, bad, and everything in between) are co-created.

In order for there to be a relationship, the partner’s have to collude to create it.

This may hit you like a punch in the gut, but it’s truth.

To move beyond the chameleon and use your relationships to grow, here’s a few rules to follow:

Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development.
Don’t count on your partner confronting him/herself … that’s his/her business.
Stop taking your partner’s reactions personally.
Don’t react to your feelings.
Stop trying to change your partner.
Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept or validate you.
Forget about working on the relationship, and start working on yourself.
Focus on your self, and not what your partner isn’t doing.

(photo source)

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What’s your sexual potential? Or moving beyond sex as leftovers.

Written by Corey · 14 Comments

Sex is a popular topic.

I’ve written on it many times.

Ways to ruin it. Mistakes men and women make during it. How to talk about it. The differences between sex and intimacy. And the idea that sex means something.

In light of the recent post on the dangers of pornography, I want to frame the discussion in a slightly different way.

What about your sexual potential?

Is it safe to say that many people reach a level of functioning in (or tolerating) their sex life and then cease to continue their development?

Yes!

Each of us will have sex up to a tolerable level of anxiety and this anxiety helps determine what unfolds during sex.

Dr. David Schnarch refers to it this way: Sex is made up of leftovers. When you got together with your spouse, you were able to decide whatever you thought was disgusting, sick or perverted that you didn’t want to do – your spouse was able to decide whatever they thought was disgusting, sick or perverted that they didn’t want to do – and you did whatever was leftover.

Never thought of it that way, right?

Hang with me. Where we’re headed is more than the act of sex itself, its a process of knowing and being known, and an act of growing a more solid sense of self.

Remember the first time you heard about french kissing? I’m willing to bet your first thought was it’s disgusting and the first time you experienced it you were likely filled with anxiety.

But over time, you became more comfortable and perhaps have even grown to enjoy it.

Sex is the same.

So, am I saying that you should do whatever you want when it comes to sex?

Yes. It’s completely up to you and your spouse.

Growth happens most when you stretch beyond what’s comfortable.

So sex becomes a great way to grow and create a great life because sex is actually a language.

How you live life is how you do sex, and how you do sex is how you live life.

So to further frame this discussion, look at it this way. When it comes to sex, couples in a committed relationship fall into three categories:

Dysfunctional sex
Functional sex
And the Blessed few

Granted, we each may get glimpses of categories beyond the one in which we reside but to take up residence in a higher category requires more … much more.

And before you plant yourself in the Blessed Few category, realize that those truly in the Blessed Few are likely not reading Simple Marriage … they’re too busy having great sex!

Here’s a bit more about each category, and notice that membership in each category has little to do with physical anatomy and more to do with your sense of self and connection with another:

Blessed few

This could also be viewed as a spirituality based or health model of sex (don’t necessarily read religion into this – it’s spiritual) which is very different than the traditional model of sexuality.

This view of sexuality is sex out of fullness (i.e. being known and knowing another) rather than sex out of emptiness. The most distinguishing characteristic of a spiritual based model of sexuality is passion and is mind/brain driven rather than biology or hormone driven.

Sex is enjoyable for both partners and is rarely a one-sided encounter. It involves the recognition of wanting and being wanted by your spouse rather than needing them. Spirituality based sex is more about the meanings attached to sex rather than the number of positions or orgasms.

Spiritual based sex would be sex as conceptualized by God rather than the devil. Ask yourself this: Looking at your sexual behavior would an observer conclude God or the devil invented sex.

Spiritual sex is based on mind and soul not on genitals.

With spiritually based sex there is a nice distance between the excitement threshold and the orgasmic threshold. And passion based sex not only tolerates but encourages a high level of eroticism. Those who operate at the this level can distinguish erotica from pornography.

Spiritual based sexuality pleases self as well as partner.

Passion based sex fosters improved levels of self-actualization and growing up.

And finally, few couples experience spiritually based sex on a regular basis. And many couples may never experience passion or spiritual based sex.

Functional sex

Functional sex is the sex that characterizes most committed relations (marriages) most of the time.

Functional sex is more likely to be need based and coming out of emptiness or partial emptiness (i.e. horniness, release, anxiety). It is characterized as wanting sex rather than wanting your spouse.

Most often one partner is dominated by the desire for the sexual act and the release of sexual tension while the other is merely accommodating.

Sadly many couples are too willing to settle for functional sex and may spend a life time never or rarely experiencing passionate sex.

Dysfunctional sex

Dysfunctional sex is absent of passion, fun, love, and appreciation. It also kills the desire for the other person as the act is mechanical, routine, or scripted.

This category doesn’t necessarily mean there’s some sort of sexual function problem (ED, premature ejaculation, low to no desire, etc.), dysfunctional sex also is the result of poorly differentiated partners. Due to both partners low level of differentiation (development and emotional maturity) the sex act is often not worth the effort and it is often characterized by overwhelming anxiety by one or both partners so much of the act is spent trying to get the other in the mood.

Dysfunctional sex is often very paradoxical in that it may result from the absence of meaningful connections or fusion between the partners. If there is no real human connection, there will be an inadequate excitement phase during the sexual response cycle for one or both partners. Or if the couple is fused (i.e., no separateness) there will be inadequate excitement because there is no separateness.

Couples that are too close will expect joint ownership of each others genitals thus no one has their own genitals so the sex act loses its meaning. It takes two mature, well differentiated, individuals who own their own genitals to create passion.

Many people never use committed relationships to grow more basic self to the point that they can be passionate.

But don’t lose hope. You can use your marriage to help you grow up.

You can unlock your sexual potential and create a great life and marriage at the same time.

What do you think … interested in more on this idea?

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The Best Way to Date Your Spouse

Written by Sean · 11 Comments

Post written by dates and romance columnist Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship.

Let’s pretend that you’ve got a hot date with your spouse coming up.

Let’s also pretend that you’re taking a turn planning the date and you really want to make it special. So, what’s the best possible way you can think of to make sure you have the best possible time on your date?

Do your partner’s favorite thing often.

I didn’t come up with that myself. It was wise counsel that my wife and I heard when we were first married. As the years have happily rolled on by, it still stands as the best way I know of to date and keep the romance alive.

So what does doing your partner’s favorite thing often even mean?

It’s simple!

First, think about what your spouse absolutely loves to do. Like if everything was taken care of – house, kids, job, etc. What would you find your spouse wanting to do? It could be dance, art, photography, movies, reading, sports, and so on.

Next, think about if it’s something you can do in an evening (or perhaps it’s a day date). If you can, then that’s the next step – make all of the arrangements.

For example, if your spouse has a penchant for extreme sports, perhaps you need to make plans with a skydiving company or a land luge facility. Perhaps it’s sampling a new ethnic cuisine so you’ll need to make reservations at a nice restaurant.

The next step is to decide whether or not you’re going to tell your spouse about it or not. This is up to you and how you think your partner will react. I love surprises myself. Even more so if it involves something I love doing – which is exactly the point.

Finally, make any last minute preparations for the date and enjoy the ride!

How to make it even more meaningful

One of the best ways to make this exercise in marital dating even more impactful is to figure out how they experience the world and do more of it. For example, is your spouse an audio person? Perhaps a night at the opera or a new band in a local club might be in order. Maybe he or she is a very kinesthetic kind of person. In that case, a night of dancing or some kind of sport might be best.

By learning how your spouse experiences the world, you can then tailor the date to doing exactly what they enjoy the best.

But isn’t this self-sacrificing?

About now, you’re probably thinking this is all very nice but isn’t it all a little too self-sacrificing? After all, shouldn’t you be able to enjoy your date too? What if she loves dog shows and you can’t stand them? What if all he wants to do is watch the ball game at the local sports grill?

First of all, in most cases, your partner is going to be sensitive to the fact that you’re making a strong effort to help them enjoy a date with you. This is going to carry with it, lasting implications. More love, more romance, and more appreciation for you will all be part of it.

Also, you don’t have to do something you don’t like. You’re the one that set up the date right? Do something you know he or she will enjoy and that you can enjoy also.

Another thing to consider is that your spouse is going to love what you did for them and want to return the favor. I know when I took dance lessons with my wife (her favorite thing to do), she was more inclined to put scuba gear on and get in the water with me (one of my favorite things to do).

Here’s the big kicker

This suggestion, to do your partners favorite thing often, goes both ways. As they say, marriage is not 50/50. It’s 100/100. As you both put forth your best effort, you’ll find it will be reflected back in future dates.

One of the biggest benefits to dating with your partner’s favorite thing in mind is that you get to see your spouse in an environment they love. This increases the positive vibes of the date and you’ll come home with a stronger relationship than when you left.

What’s one of your spouses favorite things to do?

How can you make a special date out of it?

11 comments, add yours

What do you fear most in your marriage?

Written by Corey · 10 Comments

Named must your fear be before banish it you can.
-YODA, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back

Many people go into a marriage with an ideal in mind.

After saying “I do” to him or her, life will be a happily ever after, long walk on a sunset beach, hand in hand, staring into each others eyes, and then making love in the morning with the cool breeze through the window and the birds singing in the trees- Blah, Blah, Blah.

If you are currently married, you know full well that this fairy tale seldom, if ever occurs.

How many of us go into a relationship having thought through worst case scenarios?

What’s the worst that could happen in a marriage?

Is it the prospect of divorce? Maybe.

For me, the worst case scenario would be monotony.

Settling for the same thing each and every day for as long as we both shall live. Where do I sign?

To be clear, I am not in favor of divorce.

Most of the time, it is the easy way out.

Failing to acknowledge a possibility does not make it go away. Inherent in every relationship is the ending of it.

But when you honestly address the fact that relationships involve risk, you’ll likely find you are more capable of conquering the fear often associated with the risk.

The thing about risk – risks often aren’t that scary once you face them. And very few things in our world are really life and death types of risks … although it’s easy to get caught up in the feeling.

Most people become paralyzed when faced with the prospect of risking their relationship.

They will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

They choose to settle with their spouse.

The idea becomes “well if this is as good as it’s going to get, ok,” or “they are never going to change so I might as well get used to it.”

In this scenario, the only thing left to do is wait for death, which may be a long way off.

But,

what if you actually faced the fear? Took a risk?

It all begins with a pointed discussion regarding the current state of things.

And this discussion may need to be with yourself, but from there, you can begin to design the life and the relationship you want.

(photo source)

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The Three-Way Marriage: A Manifesto For Christian Lovers

Written by Corey · 25 Comments

Last September I released my first manifesto, A Simple Marriage Manifesto.

It contained a wealth of information regarding marriage and its design to help us grow into better people.

It’s the premise behind everything on Simple Marriage.

But there is also a very important undercurrent running throughout the posts … the role spirituality plays in our life and our relationships. Specifically, the influence of God and His love.

I’ve intentionally tried to ensure that what I write isn’t “preachy” or “in your face” Christian, but at the same time I’ve hoped to have my beliefs be evident.

Today, I present to you a full disclosure of my beliefs when it comes to God, love, growing up, and marriage.

If this isn’t of interest to you, no worries. The spirit of Simple Marriage will continue to remain as it has – helping people create great marriages and lives.

This is my second manifesto if you will, and once again, it’s free.

–>Click here to open or download this manifesto in PDF format.

Copyright stuff: Once again, this is free to be shared and/or quoted from in anyway you wish. In other words, spread the word. All I ask is for a link back to here.

Fellow bloggers: If you share this with your readers, please link to this page: http://www.simplemarriage.net/threeway.html

What you’ll learn

The purpose of committed relationships
Marriage’s prototype
The role of love in marriage
What growing up is, and isn’t

Want to help?

The Three-Way Marriage is free. If you’d like to help spread the word, use the buttons below and share it on Facebook and Twitter. You are also welcome to write about this on your site, or simply share this within your circle of friends and family.

If you enjoy this, feel free to leave a comments below.

25 comments, add yours

Getting to Know You … Still

Written by Imagine Hope · 11 Comments

Post written by Romance and Dating columnist Teri Claassen of Imagine Hope Counseling

Being a couples therapist, people walk into my office often and say, “Why don’t we have a connection like when we first met?”

My response is, “Are you spending time talking and still getting to know each other?”

I get crazy looks and comments like, “We’ve been together for over 10 years. I think we know everything about each other!”

I explain how much there is to get to know about your spouse even after you’ve been together for years.

We are constantly changing as we have different life experiences. We change how we think about things and see things. Yes, there are many things you do know about your spouse, but there are probably some things under the surface that will leave you in surprise.

What should we talk about?

I suggest couples spend at least 2 nights a week talking for at least a half hour, communicating on a deeper level. Don’t just sit and talk about the kids or work.

Talk about your experiences and how things made you feel when you had them.

For example, if my husband asked me, “What zoo animal would you be and why?” I wouldn’t just talk about how much I like penguins; I would talk about how I relate to one. The way they parent, their standards with mating, and their sense of community are all similar to my personal values. It’s simple questions like this that can reveal to your partner who you are and what you feel about things.

How do we get the conversation started?

Here are some resources if you are like many of my clients and feel like they need a tool to help them get the conversation going.

If you have an iPhone, there are 2 apps I like to use. They are “Question of the Day” and “ What if: The conversation starter.” These are easy ways to get things going. Just make sure you take the conversation to a deeper level as often as possible.
There’s a series of books by Evelyn McFarlane called: “If … Questions for the game of Life.” The last one is “If … Questions for the Soul”- which is my favorite.
Share things on your bucket list with each other, or do a bucket list together as a couple. It’s never too late to dream!
Get the game “Family Talk” deck of cards. My husband gave these to me as a stocking stuffer and I love them! They are full of thought provoking questions!

Several people might think it’s silly to use a tool to help you talk to each other. But if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t open up well, you are going to need these!

Just remember that your intent is to connect and really get to know what the other person thinks about something and how it affects them. Don’t just talk about a news event- talk about what you would do differently and why, or how it feels when an event like that happens.

Reveal a part of yourself.

Make sure you keep the scenario emotionally safe by not judging or making fun of your partner’s answers. If they are truly opening up about something, and they feel shut down, they won’t trust to open up again very easily.

Have fun with this! Remember that you can’t read each other’s minds- so it’s important ask questions to find out what’s going on in their mind.

Imagine Hope Counseling Group has a passion for guiding people towards healthy, fulfilling relationships. Joleen Watson, Natalie Chandler, Tamara Wilhelm and Teri Claassen understand that Hope is one of the most important things a person needs in order to keep pressing on when life gets tough. Imagine Hope is based out of Indianapolis, Indiana. Read more from them here.

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Simple Marriage Radio: Man vs Debt

Written by Corey · 4 Comments

It’s been a while since I published a new podcast, so we’re past due.

In this episode I get the privilege to have a conversation with Adam Baker of Man vs. Debt.

Adam and his wife and daughter traveled an unconventional path to approaching their debt and consumerism lifestyle.

But that’s not what makes Adam stand out … what makes him stand out is his genuineness and authenticity. What you see is what you get with Adam and his family. Even to the point of full disclosure of their income and expenses every month on his site.

Man vs Debt is a great resource for addressing one of the major issues in marriage … money.

Adam is passionate about helping people tackle the issue of debt and money. Be sure to check out his resources if you want to tackle your finances.

Enjoy.

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4 comments, add yours

Can you be too close to your spouse?

Written by Corey · 8 Comments

Apparently, there are varying beliefs about whether your spouse should be your best friend.

Let me begin by quoting something from the previous article that possibly was missed: “To clarify, I’m referring to best friend here as a primary and/or sole outlet of your relational needs.”

Of course your spouse is going to be your friend.

And of course your spouse is going to be important in your life. But when your spouse is the entirety of your life, or the center of your existence … that’s what I believe can lead to problems.

Specifically in the area of desire and sex.

One thing that differentiates your spouse from the others in your life is the fact that you have sex with your spouse. You “know” them differently, and they you.

That’s part of what I believe makes marriage elegant … and delicate.

As your spouse climbs the ladder of importance in your life, you experience the paradox of human relationships – our need for enough togetherness to survive and enough separateness to thrive.

With friends, this paradox is still present, but to a lesser degree.

Marriage is the main playing field of this paradox. It’s also the best relationship designed for growing up.

I believe many couples begin to experience issues in their relationship when they’re too close. The pull toward togetherness is often stronger than the pull toward separateness in marriage. And this usually means there’s more pressure to conform or accommodate your spouse’s wishes or wants in order to keep the peace.

Where the issue of being too close most often shows up is in a decrease of passion, novelty and eroticism – because these aspects can only exist in the space between you. (See Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity for a much deeper look at this idea)

So to rephrase my previous post … if your spouse is your entire world – monotony is likely to ensue. But when you both work to live full, interesting and passionate lives – this will naturally spill over into the relationship.

What I find interesting is that most of the comments that disagreed with the premise of the previous post went on to describe the same thing stated within the post.

Granted, when it comes to friendship, and marriage for that matter, there is no one way to approach it – and it’s all about finding a healthy balance.

But I firmly believe marriage is choice … and it’s just as much a choice on day 1,761 as it is on day 1.

(photo source)

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