One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

With the launch of Sexy Marriage Radio last week, I thought it would be appropriate to run a post again about sex. This is one of my favorite posts from the Simple Marriage archives. Enjoy.

It’s really not all that difficult to ruin sex – and if this is your goal, simply follow these suggestions and you’re sure to end up in a barren, sexless marriage that’ll allow both of you to feel isolated and alone.

Sex is so easy to mess up due to the feelings often associated with it being so vulnerable and tied the core of who we are. Our sexuality is affected so easily by self-esteem, emotional insecurities, pressures, criticisms, and expectations.

So to effectively ruin sex for your spouse, follow these steps:

1. Expect sex simply because you’re married.
   Every marriage partner should fulfill their marital “duty” therefore they owe you sex. It’s one of the benefits of being married. They said “I do” to you – so they should “do you.”
2. Have sex the same time and place every week.
   This way neither of you will have to wonder when or how sex will occur. “Saturday night – 9:30 p.m. in the bed.” Just like clock work – who really wants spontaneity and chance when it comes to their sex life?
3. Follow the routine each time.
   Be sure to follow the same steps and plays each time. It’s way too much work to come up with different things to do together. And after all, variety and spice aren’t necessary for sex, right?
4. Be sure to be intoxicated so you can loosen up.
   After all, sex is really only about you. If your drinking is a turn off to your spouse, tough. If they love you then they’ll just have to get over it.
5. Only touch your spouse with the goal of sex in mind.
   Who really needs non-sexual touch? Save the hugs, kisses, holding hands crap for the build up to the deed. That way your partner will clearly know that sex and touch go hand in hand. No chance for missed signals or misunderstandings. How great would that be?
6. Skip the foreplay and go straight for the gusto.
   In the fast paced world we live in, who really has the time to slowly build up to great sex? It simply takes too much work to bother with all that extra stuff. Stop wasting time and get right to the intercourse. Besides, you both have to work in the morning and need your sleep.
7. Keep your clothes on during sex.
   There really is little need to get completely naked during sex. It simply adds more work afterwards because you have to get dressed again.
8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance.
   I think it’s called tough love. How else is your spouse supposed to know the areas they need to improve? If they are going to keep up with your abilities in bed they need to know where they suck (oh wait, encouraging them where and what to focus on would improve things, so disregard this point).
9. Criticize their physical appearance.
   As your partner ages and perhaps lets themselves go, be sure to inform them how much that turns you off. This will encourage them to do something about it, which only helps both of you in the long run.
10. Have sex with the TV on.
    You want to be sure that you don’t let sex get in the way of your favorite shows. Keep the TV on the entire time, that way you can watch the latest American Idol’s hopes get crushed while celebrating the love and affection you share with your spouse. What a winning combination!
11. Answer the phone during sex.
    You never know if the call may be important, and you really can’t trust voicemail. The same rule applies for text messages and emails. Reply to them ASAP, after all, you don’t need to use your hands during sex, might as well send a few texts.
12. Tweet about it before, during, and after.
    In our social media saturated world, be sure to let everyone else know what’s going on with your sex life. After all, if something happens to you and you don’t Tweet it or update it via your status on Facebook – did it really happen?
13. Get sex over with as fast as possible – as long as you’re satisfied.
    Sex is really all about you. No need to ask your partner if there’s anything you could do for them. Assume everything is fine unless they say something.
14. Get away as fast as possible once you’re finished.
    The sooner you’re done, the sooner you’ll be able to get some sleep. Save the talking till tomorrow at breakfast. And no need to cuddle or touch each other, refer back to rule 5.

(photo source)

Today I’m excited to announce a new project I’m launching with Gina Parris of Winning At Romance.

Sexy Marriage Radio

If there is one topic that is popular among readers, and not covered enough, it’s sex in marriage. That’s what Sexy Marriage Radio is all about.

The Internet is filled with sex, but most of it isn’t even close to healthy or helpful.

With Sexy Marriage Radio we hope to offer a healthy, practical, and honest conversations about how to create a marriage that is hot, healthy, and sexy.

We also hope to address and answer your questions via email and a listener feedback line, and possibly even live during a show.

So here’s what I hope you’ll do … head over to Sexy Marriage Radio and check it out. All the shows will eventually be available in iTunes, as well as Zune and Blackberry. And can you easily listen to every show on the site.

Then, let us know what you think and the topics you’d like to have addressed. You can email or call with your questions and thoughts.

Anything goes. And no topic is off limits.

And finally, help us spread the word. Sex is an interesting aspect of marriage. It’s filled with tons of pleasure, passion, and love as well as pain, struggle, and guilt. So we all can benefit from more helpful information to improve this area of our relationship and life.

I hope to see you there.

Post written by Corey Allan

There’s always a low desire spouse and there’s always a high desire spouse – and there’s one of each in every marriage.

The most common reaction to this is to believe there’s something wrong … either with yourself, your spouse, the relationship, or all the above.

For starters, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.

Second, if there’s nothing going wrong, it’s more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.

Last time we discussed the idea that there’s a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on virtually every issue and decision in marriage. And, no one is the low desire, or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.

Fact is, desire differences are going to happen – and the positions you take (low or high) are simply points on a continuum.

There will be a high desire spouse and there will be a low desire spouse. And contrary to popular belief, the high desire spouse isn’t always male. As the comments in the prior post attest, it’s just as likely that the high desire spouse will be female.

While neither the high or low desire position is right or wrong, one thing will be true … the low desire spouse always controls sex. And this is true whether the low desire spouse wants to, or likes it, or not.

Couples have often sought ways around this problem. Or more aptly stated, high desire spouses have sought ways to increase their spouse’s desire.

But, inevitably, the low desire spouse will control sex.

Here’s how this works:

1. The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
2. The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
3. Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex – whether he or she wants it or not.

When you look at it this way it seems simple.

The key is – how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you’re the high or the low desire spouse.

The fact that you experience desire differences doesn’t necessarily mean there is something going wrong – and shifting your perspective could change everything.

It could open the door to you both using your sexual desire differences more productively. Desire problems can be useful to people and relationships – they push you to become more solid within yourself.

Being in a committed relationship brings two life forces front and center. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

The desire to connect and share experiences with another person and the refusal to submit to another person’s tyranny.

When it comes to sexual desire, the low desire spouse understands tyranny. He or she feels oppressed, pressured to want sex and have sex, thanks to the badgering by their spouse’s higher desire. BUT, the high desire spouse understands tyranny too. He or she will feel the pressure to have sex when and how it’s available since opportunities may be few and far between. They must settle for “getting lucky” rather than feeling wanted. And on top of all this, they usually must act grateful for mediocre sex.

Marriage: a state of slavery involving two masters and two slaves. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Sex is a common gridlock issue. And gridlock in marriage is inevitable … but also resolvable.

When it comes to sex, sure, the low desire spouse can stop having it, but there’s usually a limit to how far you can play that card if you want to stay married – particularly happily married.

So what can you do?

Put simply, grow up!

Plus, you must realize that what we’re talking about here is not just sex. There’s a whole lot more going on.

Most of the time, sex is approached from an other-validation stance (also called a reflected sense of self).

Take intimacy for example. Other-validated intimacy involves one spouse disclosing feelings, perceptions, doubts, fears, and inner truths and the other spouse 1)accepting, validating, and empathizing, and/or 2) disclosing in kind.

Other-validation hinges on reciprocity.

In sex this plays out as I’ll do you then you do me.

What this actually does is boosts or shores up your reflected sense of self.

Here’s something you must get straight in your mind: Being intimate with your spouse doesn’t mean you get the response you want.

Marriage is an interdependent relationship – it’s resilience lies in both spouse’s ability to function independently.

Holding on to your self

The balance between your reflected sense of self and your solid flexible self has a dramatic effect on your level of sexual desire and passion – and whether or not you miss it when they’re non-existent.

Plus, there’s more to developing your self than simply staying true to your values and goals.

You may be a good person with fine values and good intent, but if your anxieties drive you to avoid things or act impulsively, you’ll do things that violate your integrity, ideals and goals, and diminish your self-worth. You’ll react harshly to other family members when your anxiety is high, which may go against your ideal of being a good solid parent, which then makes you feel guilty, thus your self-worth takes another hit.

Dr. David Schnarch has created Four Points of Balance (all of which are trademarked by him and can be found in his work) that are part of the people developing process of marriage.

1. Solid flexible self – This is the ability to be clear about who you are and what you’re about, especially when your spouse (or others) pressure you to adapt and conform.
2. Quiet mind, calm heart – Is being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts and regulate your own anxieties.
3. Grounded responding – Is the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your spouse gets anxious or upset.
4. Meaningful endurance – Is being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your marriage, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth. (Schnarch, 2009)

When it comes to sex, like I stated before, there’s more going on than just sex.

Look at it this way – There are many things I can do to get my wife to have sex with me. I can woo her, set up a romantic date, get her several drinks, manipulate, beg, persuade, plus many other things that may work. But, none of these tactics will make her want me.

That’s something I can’t control.

When it comes to being wanted … all I can do is present something worth wanting.

And something worth wanting develops best when you confront yourself, challenge yourself to do what’s right, and earn your own self respect.

A scary proposition, yes. But it’s the way a marriage fully alive really works.

Source: Schnarch, D. (2009) Intimacy and desire. Beaufort Books: New York