Goals And Dreams Are Means, Not Just Ends

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For the past couple of weeks my wife and I have been discussing our future plans and dreams. We have this discussion at least once a year, although this time it’s been different.

Over the years we have tried to simplify our life. This has included our marriage, parenting, house, schedules, and in August our TV watching.

We believe that if you can keep things simple, you can experience more enjoyment in life.

There are many times in our goals and dreams discussion where we have the illusion that attaining some level of status or living in certain areas of the country will provide whatever is missing in our life and relationship. As if living on the coast in the Caribbean or working completely online would provide new levels of happiness in our lives.

The reason our most recent discussions have been different is the realization that regardless of where we live or what we do with our time, our baseline happiness level (or life satisfaction level, or pleasure level, etc.) remains roughly constant. While new scenery or career challenges may provide a spike in happiness, we’ll return to our previous level after the newness wears off.

This idea is confirmed by Philip Brickman’s research on lottery winners and their levels of happiness. He and his colleagues found that within as little as a month, lottery winners returned to their base levels of well-being. If they were unhappy before winning, they will remain so. Conversely, they discovered that accident victims who became paraplegic often are as happy as they were prior to the accident within as little as a year after the accident.

So regardless of where we live and what we do, we will largely be the same as we are now. This idea can be sobering or freeing. To me, it’s freeing. This frees me from chasing the proverbial carrot. From making a life goal or dream an end-all-be-all.

Now my wife and I are focusing more of our discussions on who we are at this moment. We are discussing ways we can increase our baseline levels or well-being both now and in the future.

While we still are making plans for our dreams, we are focusing on our dreams and the journey towards them!

Robert Pirsig, in his book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, describes joining a group of elderly Zen monks mountain climbing in the Himalayas. Although he was the youngest member of the group, he was the only one who struggled – eventually giving up while the others made it to the peak. He was so focused on reaching the peak that he became overwhelmed by what lay ahead and was unable to enjoy the climb. He lost his desire and strength to keep going.

Meanwhile, the monks also focused on the peak, but only to make sure they were staying on course. Knowing they were heading in the right direction allowed them to focus their attention and enjoy the steps along the way.

Goals and dreams are still important, but they must be kept in the right perspective. Goals and dreams are means, not just ends.

Here’s to the journey! Where are you headed?

*Adapted from Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar
Photo courtesy Hamed Saber

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A Simple Marriage Experiment: Bye, Bye Television

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“I think we watch too much TV” stated my wife.

“Er, uh, what?” As I hit pause on the Tivo. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Nothing” she replied.

This conversation has happened a couple of times over the course of our 16 year marriage. We’ve had times of limiting our television watching as well as times of going without cable, we even went a week several years ago without turning on the TV.

Now, beginning in August, we’re doing away with our TV for the entire month – perhaps even longer.

While this experiment will probably be no big deal for my wife – for myself, I’m a bit anxious about it. You see, I occasionally enjoy the vegetative state television can provide.

Going into this, I’m unsure about how to spend some of my new found time – especially on the weekends. The other anxiety I feel is the transition to no TV for our kids. They are used to morning cartoons and while our 4 year old will likely adjust with relative ease, I’m gearing up for some mornings of whining and complaining from our 2 year old.

So why I am writing about this here? In hopes that you’ll join us.

Whether you choose to give up TV entirely as well, or cut back, or do away with cable, or the news, whatever – try it along with us.

I’ll be tracking the changes we notice in our marriage and family along the way (you can follow along on Twitter). I’ll also occasionally have a post about our progress, where you can join in and share yours in the comments.

So come on – join us! If you don’t make it the entire month, no worries. Try it for a couple of weeks, or days and see what happens. Who knows what changes may come your way.

Let us know if you plan on joining in the comments below. Plus, feel free to share any pointers or ideas that may help us during this experiment.

Photo courtesy bruno gori

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A Guide to Escaping Materialism and Finding Happiness

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post taken from Leo of Zen Habits.

Money can’t buy you love. It can’t buy you happiness either.

Today’s materialistic world often urges us to buy the coolest gadgets, the trendiest clothes, bigger and better things, but research shows that possessions and purchases don’t buy us happiness. According to an article on CNN:

By and large, money buys happiness only for those who lack the basic needs. Once you pass an income of $50,000, more money doesn’t buy much more happiness, [according to a happiness studies].

So while we are being pushed towards materialism, it’s for monetary gain by corporations, not for our own happiness. Unfortunately, it’s hard to escape the trap of materialism, and find happiness in other ways than buying stuff online or finding joy in the mall.

But it’s possible. Here’s a guide to finding a materialism-free life and discovering true happiness.

Escaping Materialism
All around us, there are messages telling us to buy stuff. On the Internet (blogs included), we see continuous advertising trying to get us to purchase a product or service. It’s the main reason for television, and movies are continually made with products placed throughout, so that we aren’t always sure what is advertising and what was put in there by the director.

Flip on the radio or open up a newspaper or magazine, and you’re bombarded my more advertising. Go to a shopping center/mall, and the urge to buy comes from every direction.

This message to continually buy, buy, buy … and that it will somehow make us happpier … is drilled into our heads from the days of Happy Meals and cartoons until the day we die. It’s inescapable.

Well, almost. You could go and live in a cabin in the woods (and that actually sounds nice), or you could still live in our modern society, but find ways to escape materialism.

Here are some suggestions:

  • Limit television. Do you really enjoy watching TV for hours? Think about which shows you really, really love, and only watch during that time. When the commercials come on, go do something else. Or use Tivo to watch TV. You can even give up cable TV entirely, if you’re brave — I have, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.
  • Eschew the news. Journalists will never tell you this, but if they’re completely honest, they’ll confess that the most important part of any news company, from TV or radio news to Internet or print new, is the advertising division. It’s the division that pays the paychecks of the rest of the company. The news is important in driving traffic to the advertising. So when you’re watching or reading news, you’re really being sucked in to advertising. Try this instead: boycott the news for a week. I’ve done it for about two years, and it hasn’t hurt me a bit. In fact, it’s helped me a lot.
  • Limit Internet reading. I’m not saying you should cancel your cable Internet subscription or anything. I love reading blogs. But find just those that you truly love reading, that give you the most value, and limit your reading to those. And just do it once a day, for 30 minutes or so. If you can do that, you’ve gone a long way towards tearing yourself away from advertising.
  • Give up magazines for books. Magazines are also designed with advertising in mind. And they rarely give you much value. Try reading an ad-free book instead. It’s a much better use of your time.
  • Don’t go to the mall or Walmart. The only purpose of these places is for you to spend money. If you just want a place to spend your Saturday afternoon, find a place where you don’t need to spend money to have fun — a park or a beach, for example. If you need to buy something, go to a single store (not the mall) and go in and get what you need. Don’t browse and walk around looking at stuff. You’ll get sucked in.
  • Monitor your urges. When you’re online, or watching TV, or at a store, keep track of the number of times you want to buy something. Keep a little notebook or index card, and just put tally marks. Once you become more aware of your urges to buy things, you can start to control them. If you could control them, limiting your consumption of media (see above tips) isn’t really necessary — although I would argue that it still gives you a better quality of life.
  • Use a 30-day list. If you still really want to buy something, put it on a list, and write down the date you added the item to the list. Now tell yourself you cannot buy that item for 30 days. It might be difficult, but you can do it. When the 30 days have passed, if you still want it, then buy it. But you can’t buy anything (besides essentials like groceries) without putting it on the list for 30 days first. Many times, our urges to buy something will pass during this waiting period.
  • Declutter. I find it pretty amazing to see all the crap I buy over a period of years, when I go through my closets and other possessions and start getting rid of stuff I don’t use or want anymore. It’s a gratifying process, and at the same time, it makes me realize how useless all our consumer shopping is. I don’t need any of the stuff! When you do this, you may be less likely to buy more stuff. Especially if you enjoy the decluttered look of your house as much as I do.
  • Find other forms of entertainment. There are other things to do besides watch TV or movies or read magazines or newspapers or the Internet. Try playing sports or exercising, or playing board games or creating art or writing or reading a book. Try doing fun things with your kids or visiting relatives and other loved ones. Try volunteering with a charity. I’m sure you could come up with 100 free or cheap things to do.
  • Buy used. When you get the urge to buy something, and you’re convinced that it’s needed, try finding it used instead of new. Look in thrift shops or garage sales or flea markets or similar places.

A True Path to Happiness
So, if you’re able to escape materialism, how can you find true happiness? There are many ways, and each of us is different, but here are some things I suggest trying:

  • Grateful list. Make a list of things about which you’re grateful in your life. Give thanks for them daily.
  • Think positive. Try eliminating negative thinking from your life, and thinking positive instead.
  • Small pleasures. Make a list of small things that give you great pleasure. Sprinkle them throughout your day. Notice other small pleasures as you go through your day.
  • Kindness. Practice random acts of kindness and compassion. Do it anonymously. Help those in need. Volunteer. Make someone smile.
  • Love. Make an intimate connection with your loved ones. Develop your friendships. Spend time with them, converse, understand them, make them happy.
  • Health. Exercise and eat healthy — it sounds trite, but it can bring great happiness to your life.
  • Meaning. It’s often useful to find meaning, either through a church or spiritual way, or through those we love in life or through the things we’re passionate about. Give yourself a purpose.
  • Flow. Eliminate distractions, and really pour yourself into whatever you’re doing. If it’s writing an article, like this one, really put yourself into it, until you forget the outside world.
  • Know yourself. Become attuned to what brings you happiness. Study yourself. Learn about what you love, and about your ability to love. Increase your capacity for compassion.

What brings you happiness? How do you feel about materialism, and is it worth trying to escape it? Share your thoughts in the comments (right after the advertisement :) ).

Photo courtesy bowena

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Simple Living Simplified: 10 Things You Can Do Today to Simplify Your Life

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post taken from Leo of Zen Habits.

Simplifying can sometimes be overwhelming. The amount of stuff you have in your life and the amount of things you have to do can be too big a mountain to tackle.

But you don’t have to simplify it all at once. Do one thing at a time, and take small steps. You’ll get there, and have fun doing it.

In fact, you can do little but important things today to start living the simple life.

And these are not 10 difficult things, but 10 simple things that you can do today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month. Today. Choose one and do it today. Tomorrow, choose another.

If you do these 10 things, you’ll have made great strides with little effort.

  1. Make a short list. Take out a sheet of paper and fold it into a small square, perhaps 3×5 inches. Or take out an index card. Now make a short list of the 4-5 most important things in your life. What’s most important to you? What do you value most? What 4-5 things do you most want to do in your life? Simplifying starts with these priorities, as you are trying to make room in your life so you have more time for these things.
  2. Drop 1 commitment. Think about all the things in your life that you’re committed to doing, and try to find one that you dread doing. Something that takes up time but doesn’t give you much value. Perhaps you’re on a team, or coaching something, or on a board or committee, or whatever. Something that you do each day or week or month that you don’t really want to do. Now take action today to drop that commitment. Call someone, send an email, telling the appropriate person or people that you just don’t have the time. You will feel relief. I’d recommend dropping all commitments that don’t contribute to your short list (from Item #1), but for today, just drop 1 commitment.
  3. Purge a drawer. Or a shelf, or a countertop, or a corner of a room. Not an entire room or even an entire closet. Just one small area. You can use that small area as your base of simplicity, and then expand from there. Here’s how to purge: 1) empty everything from the drawer or shelf or corner into a pile. 2) From this pile, pick out only the most important things, the stuff you use and love. 3) Get rid of the rest. Right now. Trash it, or put it in your car to give away or donate. 4) Put the stuff you love and use back, in a neat and orderly manner.
  4. Set limits. Basically, you set limits for things you do regularly: email, RSS posts, tasks, feeds, items in your life, etc. And try to stick with the limits. Today, all you have to do is set limits for a few things in your life. Tomorrow, try to stick with them.
  5. Simplify your to-do list. Take a look at your to-do list. If it’s more than 10 items long, you can probably simplify it a bit. Try to find at least a few items that can be eliminated, delegated, automated, outsourced, or ignored. Shorten the list. This is a good habit to do once a week.
  6. Free up time. Simplifying your life in general is a way to free up time to do the stuff you want to do. Unfortunately, it can be hard to find time to even think about how to simplify your life. If that’s the case, free up at least 30 minutes a day for thinking about simplifying. Or alternatively, free up a weekend and think about it then. How can you free up 30 minutes a day? Just a few ideas: wake earlier, watch less TV, eat lunch at your desk, take a walk for lunch, disconnect from the Internet, do email only once today, shut off your phones, do 1 less thing each day.
  7. Clear your desk. I can personally attest to the amazing feeling that a clean desk can give you. It’s such a simple thing to do, and yet it does so much for you. If your desk is covered with papers and notes and gadgets and office supplies, you might not be able to get this done today. But here are the basic steps: 1) Clear everything off your desk and put it in a pile (either in your inbox or on the floor). 2) Process the pile from top to bottom, one item at a time. Do not defer decisions on any item — deal with them immediately and quickly. 3) For each item, either file it immediately, route it to someone else, trash it, or note it on your to-do list (and put it in an “action” folder). If it’s a gadget or office supply, find a place for it in your desk drawers (or get rid of it). 4) Repeat until your pile is empty and your desk is clear. Be sure to get rid of any knick knacks. Your desk should have your computer, your inbox, perhaps a notepad, and maybe a family photo (but not many). Ahh, a clear desk! 5) From now on, put everything in your inbox, and at least once a day, process it in the same way as above.
  8. Clear out your email inbox. This has the same psychological effect as a clear desk. Is your email inbox always full of read and unread messages? That’s because you’re delaying decisions on your emails. If you have 50, let’s say, or fewer emails in your inbox, you can process them all today. If you have hundreds, you should put them in a temporary folder and get to them one chunk at a time (do 20 per day or something). Here’s how you process your inbox to empty — including emails already in your inbox, and all future incoming emails: 1) process them top to bottom, one at a time, deciding and disposing of each one immediately. 2) Your choices are to delete, archive, respond immediately (and archive or delete), forward (and archive or delete), or mark it with a star (or something like that) and note it on your to-do list to respond to later (and archive). 3) Process each email like that until the inbox is empty. 4) Each time you check your email, process to empty. Ahh, an empty inbox!
  9. Move slower. We rush through the day, from one task to another, from one appointment to another, until we collapse on the couch, exhausted, at the end of the day. Instead, simplify your life by doing less (see Items 1, 4 and 5) and doing them more slowly. Eat slower, drive slower, walk slower, shower slower, work slower. Be more deliberate. Be present. This isn’t something you’re going to master today, but you can start practicing today.
  10. Single-task. Instead of multi-tasking, do one thing at a time. Remove all distractions, resist any urge to check email or do some other habitual task like that while you’re doing the task at hand. Stick to that one task, until you’re done. It’ll make a huge difference in both your stress level and your productivity.

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Want An Upgrade In Life? Just Ask

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As you’re reading this, my family and I are preparing for a week together in the mountains of Colorado. We love to travel to the mountains – actually we love traveling most anywhere.

Before we had children we would often hop in the car and head someplace for the weekend or longer. At that time, most of our friends who had children would constantly state how everything will change when kids arrive. Now that we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, we still travel as much as possible – it simply requires us to take more stuff and plan ahead a bit more.

I’ve written on some of my family’s travel previously, and this post is not intended to be a guide for family travel. Instead I want to introduce an idea I’ve picked up during my travels that I think applies to all areas of life.

The simple idea is this: just ask!

Here’s how this plays out for me.

Whenever I fly, as I board the plane, I ask the flight attendant who greets you at the door, “Can I fly first class?”

I’ve done this almost every time I’ve flown over the past 15 years. While most of the time I hear “no” in response, once I flew first class simply because I asked. And in all these instances of asking, I never was asked to leave the plane, or never fly this airline again, or subjected to a full body cavity search. The worst that’s happened is I was told “no.”

Think about this concept. How many times do you enter a situation or area of life and are interested in something but fail to ask? Most of the time the only thing standing between you and a possible upgrade in life is… you.

Speak up. Let your desire be known. You never know what will happen.

Obviously some wisdom must apply to what you ask for when. Standing in front of the teller at the bank and asking for all the money in the vault is not a good idea. But aside from the extreme instances in life, if you’re in a situation where the worst you would hear in response to your request is “no” – ask away!

And while we’re talking about travel, I’ve been meaning to highlight a few things that will definitely help you in future travels.

Chris Guillebeau is someone I consider a blogger friend. He has a goal of traveling to every country in the world within 4 years. In fact, as I’m writing this he’s currently somewhere in South America. Needless to say, along the way he’s discovered some tremendous tips and tricks to get upgrades, travel for less, and travel anytime to anywhere.

Chris has written some great guides where you can learn his secrets. DISCLAIMER: I’m an affiliate of Chris’, meaning if you buy any of his products via a link from Simple Marriage, I earn part of the sale.

I’ve been reading Chris’ guides for a while now and have learned some great things from him, so I have no trouble recommending these guides to you.

ug-airfareThe Unconventional Guide To Discount Airfare is one of his first products. If you fly a lot and are looking for ways to find cheap fares or elite upgrades during your travel, this will more than pay for itself with your first travel experience. The UGDA aims to meet a need for travelers fed up with the high prices and poor customer service of most major airlines. If you’re desperately searching for an alternative to the prices you see on Expedia et al, this guide will help.

ug-ninjaHow To Become A Travel Ninja is just what the title descibes. It’s perfect for someone who wants to travel wherever they want at any time. It’s all about travel hacking, creative international travel, Round-the-World planning, and how to spend less money while traveling more. Currently Chris’ average flight cost is $321, including many long-haul flights all over the world. You can learn a great deal from his experience.

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“A Simple Marriage” Launches Today!

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Wedding Day Jump
Creative Commons License photo credit: Fevi in Cayman

Five years into our marriage my wife and I found ourselves sitting at a food court in the mall one afternoon staring at each other. At that time we didn’t really like each other. Love was still present. But we were seemingly heading in different directions.

We discussed how if some things didn’t change between us, we probably weren’t going to make it. That moment is largely responsible for the marriage we’ve created today. It’s also what has led to the writing of my book, A Simple Marriage, which launches today!

This book is designed to assist you and your spouse in creating the marriage you desire.

It’s filled with questions and exercises to work on separately and together. These exercises provide a framework to view what goes on naturally in marriage and committed relationships. Once you have a good view, you can harness the energy and dynamics between you to experience more than you thought possible in marriage! Read more »

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8 Principles for a Zen Marriage

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Photo courtesy catmadogma

A year ago on Simple Marriage: originally posted April 16, 2008.

For over a year now I have been a Zen Habits follower. In fact I have even used some of Leo’s work on Simple Marriage. Recently Leo wrote a post on how to live like a Zen Monk. Which got me thinking about how a couple could create a Zen Marriage.

To begin, what exactly would a Zen Marriage look like and why would anyone want to experience one?

Zen Monks devote their lives to being present in everything they do and to serving others. So why experience a Zen Marriage? Who among us wouldn’t benefit from a life and relationship with more focus, peace, simplicity, and mindfulness? As well as life at a slower more deliberate pace.

Thich Nhat Hanh simplified the rules of the Zen life in just a few words; “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” My wife and I have adopted this as a mantra. Read more »

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