Don’t analyze your wife

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Post written by Corey Allan

Alright fellas … if you’re anything like me, you’ve fallen victim to analyzing your wife’s emotions or problems in hopes of “fixing” them.

This likely comes from the caring parts of you – but it’s not going to work.

Sure, this works for us men.

We are masters at analyzing a situation then changing whatever needs to be changed to remove the unnecessary pain of the situation.

Perhaps you’ve had a time at work where you were unhappy until you realized that your boss or coworker was taking advantage of you. You then determined that the best way to handle this problem is to be upfront and say something to your boss. You mustered up the guts, tell your boss what you think (not in an offensive or aggressive manner), and it’s over.

Problem solved.

You have also likely applied this same approach with your wife.

You realize there’s something you’re not happy about with your wife, so you muster the guts to tell her. You get it off your chest.

You then think maybe she wants something more or different from you, so after you tell her what you want from her you ask, “What do you want from me?”

This seems fair to a man. Right?

But it’s not.

It’s a no-win situation for a wife.

Why?

Because what she really wants is a man who can figure it out for himself.

She wants a man who loves her, and escorts her with his love, without having to ask her what she wants all the time.

A fundamental aspect of the feminine’s desire is to not have to figure things out for her man and guide him in his own life. She wants to be able to trust him in his direction and choices.

There are times when she wants to help you figure things out, but far more often she wants to feel your presence and love without having to tell you what she wants.

Imagine it’s your wife’s birthday. If it were your birthday you’d love it if she would do anything you wanted – so you think she’d like that too. You say, “For your birthday today, we will do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll even do anything for you. So what do you want to do?”

The problem, this is the opposite of most women’s ideal birthday gift.

Most women would be far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got an hour to pack your bags. Don’t ask where we’re going, but we’ll be gone the entire weekend. Everything is taken care of. You simply need to pack your bags and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday present you’ve ever had.”

This would speak to the deepest part of her feminine core.

The part that wants to be able to relax and surrender knowing that she is taken care of and showered with your love. Then, she can simply enjoy without having to plan everything or analyze every option to decide which one is best.

One of the best ways you can serve your wife is by helping her surrender to the force of love so that she can open her heart, be the love that she is and give this love which naturally flows from her essence.

So fellas, be full in your loving … so strong and stable in your presence with her that she can simply let go and surrender.

She likely has to be in her masculine enough throughout the day, taking care of a career, or kids, or a home … don’t make her have to do the same with you.

With you, let her be what the feminine is … pure energy, pure motion, and pure love.

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From a nice guy to a man of his word

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man of his word

Post written by Corey Allan

Last week I reposted an article about nice guys.

To continue this discussion I want to unpack this more.

Nice Guys carry with them the fundamental belief that if they are good enough and do what others expect them to do they will be loved, cared for, and have a smooth and happy life.

When you get right down to it, this is purely a manipulation.

It’s an act in order to attain something from someone else.

Here’s a classic example that may have even played out in your marriage.

It’s not uncommon that a Nice Guy will do things throughout the day in hopes that his wife will be interested in sex later that night. I’ve even come across some posts on other blogs promoting this idea: Learn how vacuuming will lead to love or Learn the power of the L-spot (laundry).

What makes this a manipulation, and a common Nice Guy move, is the giving from the Nice Guy is in an area unrelated to the desire he hopes is met. It’s a hoping for sex without speaking up or initiating.

Household responsibilities are just that, responsibilities. You are both in charge of that area of your life together.

If you help out with the kids (which you likely helped create by the way) or you do chores or cook or provide for your family – that may loosen the belt to her pants a bit, but if what you really desire is to get in her pants, tell her. Speak up. She probably already sees straight through your attempt at manipulating them off her anyway.

Now back to more characteristics of a Nice Guy.

Everybody has a couple of these traits, Nice Guys have most of them.

  • Gives to others in expectation that they will return something back. At the core this is manipulative. The Nice Guy hopes that if he gives to others, they will in turn give back to him, without him having to ask for or express his desires or needs. This is why Nice Guys are fix it guys and caretakers at heart. They think that if they can solve other people’s problems they’ll receive love in return.
  • Seeks approval from others. Nice Guys are defined by those around them. Parents, spouse, co-workers, friends, careers. Everything they do is calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval.
  • Avoid conflict like the plague. Nothing disrupts the Nice Guy’s world more than conflict, therefore it is often avoided at all cost. Especially when it comes to spouse and family.
  • Avoid exposing their humanness. Nice Guys believe that if they display their perceived flaws or mistakes, others will disapprove and possible leave them. When faced with their mistakes, Nice Guys are experts at deflecting the issue or blame.
  • Coupled with the previous point, Nice Guys will repress their feelings. They choose to analyze things rather than feel. They believe they can think their way through everything. They have trouble sharing how they feel with others. And the times they do display their feelings it’s often only through angry outbursts and eruptions.
  • Must be politically correct. In fact, look up Nice Guy in the dictionary and you’ll see a politician’s face.
  • More comfortable relating to women than men. Nice Guys often have few male friends.
  • Have trouble expressing or making their needs and wants a priority. Nice Guys live in fear of being seen as selfish.

While the Nice Guy is prominent in our society, the answer is not found in going to the other extreme.

180° from crazy is just another form of crazy.

Breaking free from being a Pleaser requires you to create a more solid sense of self. And this applies to both male and females.

A full grown adult:

  • Has a strong sense of self. He knows who he is … and who he’s not. He knows his strengths and limitations. Plus, he likes himself just as he is.
  • Has come to the realization that it’s up to him to take responsibility for getting his needs and desires met. I believe that nobody can take care of you better than you. So a man takes responsibility for himself and his desires, not at the expense of others however, because that would be going to the other extreme.
  • Recognizes that gender is important. He’s comfortable with his masculinity and sexuality.
  • Speaks the truth. Truth is truth – and a man can handle both hearing it and speaking it. While we’re on the subject, let’s briefly discuss lying. Anything less than the truth is a lie. Leaving something out in order to skirt a conflict is a lie. Be willing to speak the truth and take the hit for it if necessary.
  • Is a leader without being controlling. I truly believe that men were created to lead. To provide for and protect those he loves. Most of the women I’ve counseled have longed for their husbands to step up and lead the family. Sadly, many men have sat on the sidelines. Falling victim to the belief that if they provide for the family that’s enough. Leadership requires love, sacrifice, care, power, grace, strength, passion and even partnership at times.
  • Has integrity. He lives from his core values and beliefs. He does what’s in line with his values not just what’s expedient.
  • Works through conflict. A man knows that conflict in inevitable so he doesn’t run from it. Instead, he’s solid enough to confront the issues in his life by speaking the truth, accepting others influence, asking for help when necessary, and letting go of his attachment to the outcome of each situation. He knows he can’t control everything in his life and lets go of those things beyond his control.
  • Can be nurturing and caring without being Mr. Fix It. Men do have a tender and caring side and a man can listen attentively without trying to fix things or being defensive in reaction to someone elses feelings.
  • Can be passionate and emotionally expressive. Although society has conditioned us that there are only a couple of acceptable emotions (happiness, anger, and sadness) a man can feel and express all his emotions. Men and women are all emotional beings. Live from them. It’s part of the pathway to a passionate life.

Let me close my part of this discussion with this – I believe that men and women were created intentionally as male and female. They’re complimentary.

One gender is not better than the other.

The whole point of this whole thing is to be better … a better man … a better woman.

Be who you are!

We each have a part to play in the story of our lives. So be a good character in your story, as you were created to be.

To me there is nothing more attractive than a person with self respect and a solid sense of self.

Your turn.

Source – Robert Glover, No More Mr. Nice Guy
(photo source)

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Ahem, let’s talk about the M word

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Pardon me while I use a conversation from Seinfeld to introduce this topic.

“Are you Master of your Domain?”
“I am King of the County. You?”
“Lord of the Manor.”
“I’m Queen of the castle!”
~ Jerry, George and Elaine, in “The Contest”

If you haven’t seen this episode, it covers one of the topics (without ever saying the word) that many people simply don’t talk about … masturbation.

You’ve likely heard the jokes, “research shows that 95% of men do it, and the other 5% lie” – but this simply is not true.

Yes, masturbation is part of life, especially part of adolescent and young adult life … but what about married life?

I’ve stated this before and it’s worth repeating, I believe that 100% of your sexual energy should be directed toward your marriage!

So what does this mean about masturbation?

Before we dive in deeper let’s define some terms. When I say masturbation I mean self-stimulation to orgasm. So manual stimulation with your spouse or self-stimulation that does not reach orgasm is not included in this discussion. I also am referring to solo masturbation as something done apart from your spouse (with or without their knowledge) while mutual masturbation is both husband and wife masturbating together at the same time.

So what does the science say?

Many researchers and physicians will state that masturbation is a normal, natural activity that people engage in throughout their life. It provides a way to learn about your body and it’s senses, as well as a way to handle your biological needs or desires.

It is true that the experience of masturbating is common. Babies and toddlers touch themselves and find the experience pleasurable. Then, many adolescents stumble across the experience again when it has become orgasmic and find it both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s normal curiosity.

But what about adults? Especially, married adults?

Here’s where the conversation gets tricky.

There are many factors at work in most marriages, as well as many issues at play; sexual disinterest, refusal, high desire vs. low desire, illness, busyness, and separation … just to name a few.

So wouldn’t it be normal and healthy to, ahem, take care of some things myself at times?

Yes and no. The bigger issue is what surrounds it.

Most often, masturbation is associated with fantasy and pornography. The porn industry is a masturbation industry aimed at men by displaying sexually aggressive women. The problem with fantasy and porn, in my opinion, is it sets up unrealistic expectations in relationships.

No man or woman can consistently fulfill a fantasy and lust can never be satisfied.

When masturbation involves a disconnection from reality (which can also happen during sex when you disconnect from your spouse in order to reach orgasm), it can become a slippery slope to wanting more and more in order to satisfy desires.

An area where masturbation can wind up harming a marriage is in the mechanics of things, both mentally and physically. Let me explain.

Masturbation is most often a secret, quick release, goal oriented kind of activity. It’s done quickly in the shower or while no one’s around in hopes of not being caught. And it’s done only to achieve orgasm. The fallout here is sex can become the same. It becomes only about reaching orgasm. The connection and pleasure aspects get lost in the shuffle. And if you’re mind is conditioned to “get it done” quickly, then sex won’t last too long – like it or not.

The physical fallout is the conditioning effect of the act. The penis is designed for the vagina. The pressure and friction of your hand will be different than your wife’s vagina. So masturbating can make it more difficult for her vagina to provide you pleasure and achieve orgasm. And when this occurs in marriage, most women take it personally not knowing it’s your conditioning from masturbating that’s played a major role.

For women, in order for orgasm to occur, the clitoris usually must be involved. Some women masturbate simply because their husband is clueless, or lazy, about this fact. Sex is all about him, so she must care for herself. If this is the case, some educating needs to be undertaken … and ladies, you’re the teacher.

There are positions in sex that allow for clitoral stimulation. Learn them. Speak up about them. Move his hand there, or yours, or both.

The point is, orgasm is best achieved when with your spouse, not alone. Brain research shows a dramatically higher release of the “natural high” chemicals when orgasm is experienced with someone else as opposed to alone. This is also true of the bonding chemical, Oxytocin.

You create a deeper, lasting connection when you, er, uh, come together.

Another area where masturbation can become harmful is when sexual release is used as a way to handle anxiety. Stress release and sexual tensions can be handled through the release associated with orgasm, but as with any form of medicating ourselves, it doesn’t address the real problem.

Just as if you were to hit the local bar to deal with your stress, you still have to wake up and address what ever it was that causes the stress the next day. So rather than turning to masturbation as a way to handle a stressful day, involve your spouse.

An honest discussion with your spouse can go a long way. Perhaps your spouse is more interested in being involved than you believe.

The point is this, sex is a beautiful aspect of marriage … but it can also be divisive and harmful. The more upfront you are about sex in your marriage, the more pleasure you can find in the act.

These are some of my thoughts … yours?

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Heads up husbands … 5 ways to ignite your wife’s passions

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Post written by Corey Allan

There are countless articles and websites filled with information on how to overcome sexual issues. There are techniques, tips and advice to be found from all manner of sources.

So what is it about sex that we struggle with so much?

And why does it always seem as if everyone else is having better sex?

The truth is, they’re probably not. They’re likely grappling with the same sexual issues as you.

Those who are truly experiencing better sex are typically further along in years, or further along in their relationship.

So take heart. Relax. There’s plenty of time to get there. But sexual satisfaction won’t happen by chance. There’s work to be done.

It’s amazing to me that sex can create such incredible emotional connections and orgasmic ecstasy, while at the same time it can just as easily create profound isolation, loneliness and shame.

It all boils down to this: sex is much more than an act. It’s a metaphor. How you do sex says a lot about how you do life, and how you do life says a lot about how you do sex.

I’m going to address the fellas in this post, so heads up.

Many married men timidly approach sex with their wives. From initiation to the actual sex act, men often fall victim to the “do what worked last time” philosophy.

They look and hope for ways to have sex with their wives without bringing up the subject, or they go through their day trying not to upset her out of fear she won’t want to have sex later. The problem with this is that they’re not really taking charge of their life, or of their relationship.

Let’s start with what turns a woman on. Ironically, when it comes to what turns a woman on, it’s the opposite of what most men think. The biggest mistake men make is in believing that women like the same things they do. Sorry fellas, but reaching over in the morning and grabbing a breast—while it may be a fairly clear signal to you—is usually not a way to ignite her passion; nor is it foreplay.

How a woman feels when she is with a man is the primary factor in whether or not she experiences attraction and sexual desire. And what she wants to feel is trust.

For the majority of women: trust = lust. If your wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with you, my guess is that you haven’t given her a reason to trust you, or that you’ve killed whatever trust she once had.

So how do you develop and maintain a high degree of trust in marriage? Basically, through your strength, your presence, your confidence and your integrity.

  1. Your strength. There’s a reason males are considered the stronger of the two genders. A man is often expected to provide protection, support and physical power. He’s expected to work hard, sweat, do the heavy lifting and to stick to it when times get tough. Play to these masculine strengths.
  2. Your presence. Your wife’s willingness to have sex is deeply dependent upon this. If you are 100 percent present when you are with her (even if your time together is limited), she will be satisfied. On a side note, I believe that 100 percent of your sexual energy should be focused within the relationship. Spending any percentage of it elsewhere leads down the slippery slope to breaking your partner’s trust.
  3. Your confidence. Because women are by nature security-seeking creatures, a man’s confidence can be a major turn-on. When a man approaches a woman with confidence, she experiences the same chemical reaction in her brain (a release of both dopamine and norepinephrine) that a man experiences when a woman lifts up her shirt and shows him her breasts. And by “confidence,” I don’t mean “machismo.” I’m referring to the type of man who knows who he is (and who he isn’t). At the other end of the spectrum, men who are anxious, passive and eager to please exude anything but confidence. Looking for a surefire way to kill the passion in your marriage? Become the passive, conflict-avoiding, eager-to-please nice guy who only wants to make his wife “happy.”
  4. Your integrity. The ability to consistently act with integrity is crucial in maintaining a deep sexual bond with your wife. This means that you always tell the truth, keep your word, follow through and have good boundaries.

Bonus point: 5. Have a plan. This isn’t about controlling a woman; it’s about giving her a choice. One of the worst things you can do is come home in the evening and ask, “What do you want to do tonight?” Instead, walk in the door and say, “Be dressed and ready to go to dinner by 7.” Give her the option of either following your lead or proposing an alternative. Don’t leave everything up to her. This same principle applies to the bedroom as well.

As a man, when you are present and share your mind, heart, humor, intellect, imagination, words, strength and even your dark side with your wife, you open her up to the fullness of your being. As she joins you in this state of openness, and opens herself up to you, she will take you places you can’t take yourself.

(photo source)

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The Mortar of the Family

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A mother is like an island in life’s ocean vast and wide, a peaceful quiet shelter from the restless tide. Author Unknown

Do you consider yourself ‘a peaceful quiet shelter’ from the outside world for your family?

Is your home a place of refreshment?

Do you invite your children to you?

Or does the tide rise and fall at every turn?

Over the past several years I have become very intentional about what kind of environment I prepare for my family and what source of comfort I can provide to them. I have seen when I take the time to watch my words and create an atmosphere of calm the rewards are many.

As I reflect, I can see how truly important and powerful the role of a “mother” is for a family unit, even more so outside the four walls of your own house. It is like mothers are the mortar of our families and we make up the bricks.

God has given us an extremely powerful role and duty to provide stability for our families and a place to always belong.

I can see how this extremely important mortar wasn’t there in my family of origin to keep us all solidified and we flail about now, struggling to pick up the pieces. My mother did a great job while she could, but unfortunately she became ill with Multiple Sclerosis and her last 20 years of life began her inability to provide what our family needed so desperately.

That is rather a dramatic, but it surely reinforced to me how much families need the mortar.

Where should your focus be? Read more »

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Redefining Fidelity

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Last week’s post, It’s Just Window Shopping, Right?, appeared to stir up some great conversations. I followed along with every new comment, and loved reading the back a forth that took place between several readers.

The discussion was respectful, and helpful.

But I do want to clear up a couple of things that were mentioned as well as expand on the idea a bit.

First, is the broad brush picture I painted of males in the post. Let’s face it, when you write something that targets a specific issue or topic that impacts marriage, you generally have to live with a few stereotypes. But I don’t think my picture of men being hard wired creatures who are visual in nature is inaccurate. The male brain is triggered by visual stimuli. Women simply aren’t wired the same.

And second, I’m also not going to back away from the idea that as a married man, 100% of  your sexual energy should be focused within your marriage (more on this in a bit).

When a man goes beyond just noticing an attractive woman (other than his wife) his brain can take that mental picture and run all over the place with it. And many of the places it runs aren’t all that healthy for marriage.

We live in a society that is raising up a generation of men who receive a bulk of, if not all, their sex education from porn.

Porn is a multi-billion dollar a year industry built around one thing, and it’s not sex – it’s masturbation. Porn targets men by portraying sexually aggressive women, which, while there are women who are aggressive when it comes to sex (and I’m sure a few of you will speak up in the comments about this post), most women simply aren’t aggressive.

You’re not wired that way.

Women are wired to be receptive (okay, comment away on this statement).

Read more »

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Hey Fellas: It’s just window shopping, right?

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I’m a regular at Panera. Its where I do most of my writing.

One morning a couple of years ago, I’m typing away and notice a group of guys meeting together. The interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each other and those around them.

The guys were obviously friends and enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked in, each one of them noticed.

They noticed to the point that their conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects of their glares, they definitely stared.

Men are visual creatures. It’s hard wired.

I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at the end of their breakfast, they prayed together.

Not to be too judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your life and your actions.

I can already hear some of you, “Hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with a little window shopping.”

To which I’ll respond, “Really?” Read more »

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From Nice to Adults Only Marriage

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Nice Guys and Nice Girls have been speaking up a great deal lately, both in the comments on these posts and in emails I’ve received over the past couple of weeks. Apparently, this discussion is hitting close to home.

While you may not be a full blown Nice Guy or Nice Girl, I’ll bet you have some of their traits.

If so, are they getting in the way in your marriage?

Here’s why being a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl looks so appealing at first.

It meets your need for acceptance and love.

Look at it this way. Of course someone is going to like you when you’re nice and good. When you do nice things for them and show them you care and love them in your actions and words. It’s common sense. If you’re a “pleaser” then people will initially love it.

The problem surfaces in the long haul of your relationship.

At our core there are two fundamental life forces or drives. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

Every human has a desire to connect with another person. To have conversations, touch, sex, love, etc. that can only be found in relationships.

At the same time, every human has a desire to be in control of their own destiny and identity. To map out their own course in life and be their own person.

The major pitfall of the Nice Guy and the Nice Girl is found in the sacrifice of their separateness in order to hopefully receive love and acceptance from their spouse. The longer this goes on, the less there is of the Nice Guy/Girl and the more they are consumed and defined by their relationship.

There’s another issue with being too close, the loss of separateness will lead to a decrease in passion and eroticism in the relationship, because passion and eroticism can only exist in the space between you.

The loss of passion and eroticism is not what any of us expect going into marriage. I didn’t.

Perhaps that’s why you’re a regular reader of Simple Marriage. Or you’ve sought out therapy or every self-help book you can get your hands on. You want to grow up and live more from the deep part of your being. To live with passion and energy.

I constantly hear people in my counseling office say “I don’t know who I am anymore” or “I don’t know what it means to be a man/woman.” This syndrome is rampant in our society. I believe this is why reality television has taken off in the past decade – people would rather watch life than get off the couch and live it!

The number one question I’ve heard in our Nice People discussion thus far is “Okay, I’ve read a couple of the books you’ve referred to – now what?”

There’s not an easy answer to this question – and Nice People will often look for the easy answers to life’s tough questions.

Breaking free of Nice People Syndrome and moving into an adults only marriage is best done in community with others. Honestly, if this were easy to do on your own, you’d probably be doing it already.

This community can be a couple of good friends (even just one good friend, provided they’re the same gender as you), a therapist, or a group at your church – just involve other people in your journey. Why? Because when others are involved, you up the likelihood of following through with your end of the deal.

Since this discussion has hit home for so many people, I’ve creating a place for recovering Nice People to gather – Adults Only Marriage. If you want to join us or just want to check it out please do.

I’m on this journey as well. A journey to discover what happens in an adults only marriage. You’re welcome to come along.

See you there.

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