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EDITORS NOTE: This is a guest post from Mary Ann Crossno, LMFT, a good friend of mine who is also a family therapist. She expounds on the last post in the Taking Your Shape series. Due to this being Thanksgiving week, this will be the only post for the week. Enjoy the time with your family. See you after the break.
What is it that creates the intensity in certain conversations with your spouse? What moves a conversation between two people from the issue at hand into personal meltdown – emotional reactivity?
Emotional reactivity turns out to be nature’s way of informing us of where we are on the path of emotional maturity (another way of thinking about differentiation).
So one of the measuring tools we have for getting clear about how much growing up we have to do is time to reactivity – how quickly do you lose it? How easy is it to push your buttons? How many buttons do you have that can be pushed? How often do you stoop to pushing your partner’s buttons – either to have it your way or just to keep them from having it their way?
Usually the issue (we’ll call it the what) triggers some difference between you and your spouse that creates tension – more for one spouse and less for the other. The more important the what is to you, the quicker you become emotionally reactive. Your energy will be intensely focused on the outcome of the what – either by getting what you want, or by getting your spouse to validate your wants.
A major shift occurs when you “get it” – that the what is just an indicator of your emotional maturity. At that point, you have two choices -
- use the issue as fertilizer to grow you up or
- bypass the opportunity for growth in order to stay comfortable.
It’s at this awareness level that you can turn your attention to the how – how am I going to be in the intensity of this what? Here’s a mantra to remind you of how you want to be in the midst of intensity:
- Don’t attack.
- Don’t defend.
- Don’t withdraw.
If you can stay fully present and connected while under pressure, you’re on your way to doing some serious emotional growing.
A couple of caveats: If you know you’re about to lose it, withdrawing may be necessary. It’s how you withdraw that matters. Tell your partner what’s going on with you, what steps you’re going to take to be responsible for you, and when you plan to re-engage.
“I’m having a hard time calming myself down. I’m going to take a walk for 20 minutes. I want to finish this talk, but I want to do it from the best in me.”
Around this time of year, the holidays are an issue that expose LOTS of tension in relationships! You have a high desire for a constant stream of holiday activity between now and January 1. Your spouse wants the holidays to intrude on normal life as little as possible.
Something to keep in mind – each person in a relationship has a range of positions about issues. You want more sex – your partner wants less sex. You want to spend money – your partner wants to save money. You want a place for everything and everything in its place – your partner wants creative clutter. You may be neutral on some issues. Think of these as high desire or low desire positions. In general, the one with the low desire has more control/power than the one with the high desire. If you’re happy with sex once a month and your partner wants sex three times a week, you get to have sex whenever you want it!
So the higher your desire about any issue, the more likely you are to be highly anxious and emotionally reactive over the outcome of the issue (the what). This means that you have a greater responsibility to learn how to calm and soothe yourself around that what!!! And if you’re the low desire partner on any issue, keeping yourself comfortable while watching your partner squirm is just another way the universe is trying to get your attention about taking your shape.
Here’s hoping that during the holiday season, you open all the growing gifts that come your way from the best in you.
Here’s parts one and two of the series if you missed them.
References
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson.
Schnarch, D. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible. NY: Norton.
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“And if you’re the low desire partner on any issue, keeping yourself comfortable while watching your partner squirm is just another way the universe is trying to get your attention about taking your shape.”
I didn’t understand this part…is this to say that the low desire person should be comfortable with watching their partner squirm?
@Graffight- If your partner is squirming and growing up then it’s worth it. Needless to say, watching your partner squirm isn’t comfortable, but it’s part of the growing up process. There will be more on this in future posts.
Another wonderful link in the chain of differentiation.
Like I say to myself, “Get diffed or get miffed!”
If I’m angry, that’s a smoke alarm that my boundaries are crossed. If I’m annoyed, it’s very likely that the triggering boundary is a boundary with my self.
Another great little gem of love and sanity you’ve launched out into the world, Corey! Rock on, my brotha! (giggle)
How do you differentiate between being emotional reactive and being passionate? Also, do you believe that some people feel things more intensely anyway and would then have a more difficult time with this? If you feel things more intensely does that mean you are emotionally immature? Why?
It seems to me it would take a PhD to automatically have conversations with all this in mind when you haven’t been brought up this way. What a challenge. Why do we need to call it mature vs immature? How about productive vs non productive? immature sounds harsh to people who have not been trained in this kind of communication.
We attempt to let the one who it matters to the most get their way. Why do I care if I really don’t care?
@Graffight and @Corey
Depends on what your position is based on. If your position on any issue is well thought out and based on a solid principle, then holding onto yourself while your partner squirms may be what it takes for him/her to figure out what drives his/her desire.
 Ex: Low desire spender based on principle of living within one’s income vs high desire spender based on shopping as a means of entertainment.
If your position on any issue is based on your emotional reactivity, then watching your partner squirm is about your emotional immaturity.
 Ex: You’re the high earner and you grill your partner over every expense. Watching your partner squirm in this case is about immature need for control.
@Laurie – Great questions, Laurie! You’re right – the process of becoming emotionally mature is a lifelong process – and a challenge. In a nutshell, it is all about using our thoughts to create our feelings, instead of being run by “the feeling of the day, hour, or minute.â€
Passionate or emotionally reactive? Do you have the freedom to choose when you’re passionate – or do your passions rule your life? Here are a couple of definitions of passionate:
 Capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feelings
 Easily moved, excited or agitated; specifically, easily moved to anger; irascible; quick-tempered
I come from a long line of hot-blooded Cajuns where intense feelings are considered to be part of the ‘joy of life.’ It’s been both a challenge and a relief to learn how to harness some of that passion and begin to ‘grow myself up.’
Look for a future post about the difference between emotions and feelings.
It was a challenge for me to buy into the ‘maturity vs immaturity’ language, because so many of my ways of relating were immature. Ouch! The words can be simply an objective description of behavior that meets most reasonable standards. Look at the lists Corey posted in part one of this series (Me versus We). The descriptions of lower and higher differentiated people correspond to descriptions of mature and immature behaviors.
Productive and unproductive suggests a product – moving toward a desired outcome. For most of us, our behaviors have a natural outcome in mind – getting what we want. Taking on one’s level of maturity is the high road and it goes against the grain.
“We attempt to let the one who it matters to the most get their way. Why do I care if I really don’t care?â€
I think you’re confusing low desire with ‘I really don’t care.’ If you’re the low desire sex partner, do you care if your partner is hounding you for sex? Do you just give in and have sex whether you want to or not? Do you think it matters as much to you that you NOT have sex when you don’t want it as it does to your partner that he/she gets more sex?
“I really don’t care†sounds like a neutral position to me. “Mexican or Chinese?†“You choose, I really don’t care.â€
Thanks for the mental workout, Laurie. I’ll be chewing on these thoughts through Thanksgiving. Hope yours is good.
This is such powerful stuff. The process of just “standing there” when everything in you tells you to “defend yourself” – to focus on hearing and taking in your lover’s words, body language, emotions when you’re getting triggered like mad and want to fight or flee – that’s where we leap into a totally new space of possibilities. Thanks, Rori
@ Rori Raye
Amen and amen again. Add two more reactions to your “fight or flee:
freeze – the deer in headlights and
caretaking – doing for others what the can and should do for self.
Oops – last line should read
“doing for others what THEY can and should do for self.