Passionate or emotionally reactive? Do you have the freedom to choose when you’re passionate – or do your passions rule your life? Here are a couple of definitions of passionate:
 Capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feelings
 Easily moved, excited or agitated; specifically, easily moved to anger; irascible; quick-tempered
I come from a long line of hot-blooded Cajuns where intense feelings are considered to be part of the ‘joy of life.’ It’s been both a challenge and a relief to learn how to harness some of that passion and begin to ‘grow myself up.’

Look for a future post about the difference between emotions and feelings.

It was a challenge for me to buy into the ‘maturity vs immaturity’ language, because so many of my ways of relating were immature. Ouch! The words can be simply an objective description of behavior that meets most reasonable standards. Look at the lists Corey posted in part one of this series (Me versus We). The descriptions of lower and higher differentiated people correspond to descriptions of mature and immature behaviors.

Productive and unproductive suggests a product – moving toward a desired outcome. For most of us, our behaviors have a natural outcome in mind – getting what we want. Taking on one’s level of maturity is the high road and it goes against the grain.

“We attempt to let the one who it matters to the most get their way. Why do I care if I really don’t care?”

I think you’re confusing low desire with ‘I really don’t care.’ If you’re the low desire sex partner, do you care if your partner is hounding you for sex? Do you just give in and have sex whether you want to or not? Do you think it matters as much to you that you NOT have sex when you don’t want it as it does to your partner that he/she gets more sex?

“I really don’t care” sounds like a neutral position to me. “Mexican or Chinese?” “You choose, I really don’t care.”

Thanks for the mental workout, Laurie. I’ll be chewing on these thoughts through Thanksgiving. Hope yours is good.

If your position on any issue is based on your emotional reactivity, then watching your partner squirm is about your emotional immaturity.
 Ex: You’re the high earner and you grill your partner over every expense. Watching your partner squirm in this case is about immature need for control.

It seems to me it would take a PhD to automatically have conversations with all this in mind when you haven’t been brought up this way. What a challenge. Why do we need to call it mature vs immature? How about productive vs non productive? immature sounds harsh to people who have not been trained in this kind of communication.

We attempt to let the one who it matters to the most get their way. Why do I care if I really don’t care?

Like I say to myself, “Get diffed or get miffed!”
If I’m angry, that’s a smoke alarm that my boundaries are crossed. If I’m annoyed, it’s very likely that the triggering boundary is a boundary with my self.

Another great little gem of love and sanity you’ve launched out into the world, Corey! Rock on, my brotha! (giggle)