Taking Your Shape: Keeping Your Cool
Photo courtesy micxs032
I know you’ve been there before, you’re in the midst of an intense discussion with your spouse and it moves beyond a conversation about the issue at hand and gets personal. A button has been pushed, or you pushed their button and now it heats up even more.
The personal attacks start, the past is brought up with incredible accuracy and the battles lines are drawn. One of you will be the triumphant victor, the other a vanquished foe.
Incidentally, if you happen to take the other extreme with your spouse, where one or both of you simply shut down and avoid the fight all together, this is the exact same response only at the other end of the spectrum.
So how does this happen?
To boil it down, it’s emotional reactivity. And emotional reactivity simply creates more emotional reactivity.
The most damaging thing to having great relationships is emotional reactivity. So the bottom line is this: you need to be in control of the things you can control, and that starts (and probably ends) with you.
You can spend a great deal of time focusing on things beyond your control. And as soon as this happens, it’s easy to be overwhelmed and just react. The rational side of you shuts down and the instinctual part takes over.
For species survival this is a good thing. But for growing up in marriage and experiencing more it will cause a great deal of problems.
Last week we discussed differentiation levels in relationship. Since marriage is a people growing machine, your differentiation level will increase as you grow up in marriage. The number one way to speed this growth: learn how to soothe your own anxieties, namely your emotional reactivity.
Speaking of differentiation levels, you may have examined where you were on the scale last week and determined growth areas. You may have also applied the concept to your spouse and placed them either further up or down the scale than yourself. If so, know this – according to Bowen’s theory, you and your spouse will be roughly the same levels when it comes to differentiation. Otherwise you would not understand or tolerate your spouse’s way of dealing with things.
The beautiful thing about being on the same level, you get to grow together. The risk, if one of you grows and the other chooses not to, you’ll grow apart. But this risk has always been present in marriage.
So how do I learn to better soothe my anxieties?
Here’s a few relational suggestions that may help:
- Make the obvious, obvious. If the conversation turns heated, speak up. “Hey, are you wanting to really get into it over this, because I don’t.” Or “it feels like we’re fighting over something petty. What’s really going on?” Think back to the most recent heated discussions and see if you can still feel the tension. Most likely you recognized it in the midst of the moment as well. By recognizing AND acknowledging the obvious build up, you get the chance to choose a different approach, and so does your spouse.
- Make the covert, overt. There are countless things going on between people at any given time just below the surface. Your mood, theirs, past hurts, fears, anxieties, joys, frustrations, you get the idea. When you are in a bad mood, it’s probably best to acknowledge this and not seek lengthy discussions about tense topics. Wait until you’re in a better state of being.
- You take care of you! No one can take care of you better than you. Remember, no matter how much you try, you can not control another human. They will do almost anything possible to avoid falling under the tyranny of another human. Give your spouse the room to take care of themselves while you take care of you.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “Taking Your Shape: Keeping Your Cool”
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Well said, Corey! Some specific things I do to avoid emotional reactivity are:
1. I remind myself, “It’s not all about me.” I often jump to taking things personally instead of thinking about where Kyeli is coming from, how’s she’s feeling, how her day has been, etc. It’s the catchphrase that reminds me to make the covert overt.
2. I ask to take a break. If I get angry or upset, there will be adrenaline and whatnot coursing through my vein, and I’ll be likely to stay angry even if the original reason for the anger has gone away.
3. I ask for reassurance. Sometimes I jump to the worst possible conclusion. To soothe my fears, I ask for reassurance that the worst is not in fact the case. Kyeli and I have worked out agreements and boundaries for giving each other reassurance, and it helps us avoid our anxiety getting out of control.
My SO and I also use a code word. When things get too heated for one of us, we’ll say the code word, which automatically brings the other person out of that state and directs both of us too assess the situation. The code word is like a spotlight on our emotional reactivity. It’s worked pretty well.
Speaking of code words, my hub calls me “sweetie” when I am getting on his nerves. When I hear that, I know to back down and I am not offended. I like this way of him saying “Back Down Laurie” because he smiles while he says it and I think it’s cute. I also don’t have a feeling to be defensive when he says it so it is a win/win.
I’m still learning all of this now, but man, another great article! This is spot on…I try and release anxieties by just getting away. Going shopping by myself, reading, getting a facial, etc. Whatever I can do for myself. Once I take myself away from the situation, things get better and less tense.
Soothing your anxieties is a brilliant way to put it. For us women, in order to really be alive, we must FEEL, and when we sense we’re about to feel something we’re afraid to feel, our anxieties push us into DOING something – anything – to stop it from happening. This keeps us from ever really being ourselves in our relationships, and so from ever really getting close to our men. Thanks for another great post, Rori
@Pace- It’s great to remember that we are not the end all be all in this life. There are other people to consider as well, and these other people often provide a lot of joy to life, especially if I will let others into my world.
@d and @Laurie- Code words are great. My wife and I have them as well. It’s a light way to address something before it gets too big.
@Tanya- Getting away is a great soothing technique. Provided the get away is healthy as well. If I were to get away to calm down by going to the casino or the strip club, I think that would only add to the anxiety at home.
@Rori- Oh the eternal struggle to truly be ourselves in relationship. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, more is required of you. I guess that’s what adds to the adventure of long term marriage.
It really helps me to remember it doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation.
And sometimes it’s just o.k. to plain agree to disagree!
I guess after 28 years of marriage … Craig & I are just over the whole ‘right fighting’ thing.
I like your bullet point #2 -
I can always tell when Craig has had a rough day @ work, and is sort of ‘looking for a fight.’
It took me awhile to learn not to take that personal and just give him some space to chill out.
And I know he has picked up on my cues of ‘Look out honey … I’m a little moody right now.’
Choosing to let me ride it out and not taking it personal.
A little understanding and unconditional love goes a long way!!!
This is just so true, my man will do or say something where he’s angry with ME, and then I get all defensive and start a logical discussion of why HE’S so “wrong” all of the time. He pointed it out one time – and it was such an “Ah Ha” moment – I’m watching this all the time now. I can totally feel myself not wanting to hear anything I don’t want to hear about myself. It gets so much better when I relax and can hear what he has to say.l