Comments on: Taking Your Shape: Keeping Your Cool

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:47:57 +0000

This is just so true, my man will do or say something where he’s angry with ME, and then I get all defensive and start a logical discussion of why HE’S so “wrong” all of the time. He pointed it out one time – and it was such an “Ah Ha” moment – I’m watching this all the time now. I can totally feel myself not wanting to hear anything I don’t want to hear about myself. It gets so much better when I relax and can hear what he has to say.l

By: Taking your shape: Focusing on the how instead of the what | The Simple Marriage Project

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:02:48 +0000

[...] parts one and two of the series if you missed [...]

By: dawn

dawn — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:52:11 +0000

It really helps me to remember it doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation.
And sometimes it’s just o.k. to plain agree to disagree!
I guess after 28 years of marriage … Craig & I are just over the whole ‘right fighting’ thing.
I like your bullet point #2 -
I can always tell when Craig has had a rough day @ work, and is sort of ‘looking for a fight.’
It took me awhile to learn not to take that personal and just give him some space to chill out.
And I know he has picked up on my cues of ‘Look out honey … I’m a little moody right now.’
Choosing to let me ride it out and not taking it personal.
A little understanding and unconditional love goes a long way!!!

By: Corey

Corey — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 14:42:55 +0000

@Pace- It’s great to remember that we are not the end all be all in this life. There are other people to consider as well, and these other people often provide a lot of joy to life, especially if I will let others into my world.

@d and @Laurie- Code words are great. My wife and I have them as well. It’s a light way to address something before it gets too big.

@Tanya- Getting away is a great soothing technique. Provided the get away is healthy as well. If I were to get away to calm down by going to the casino or the strip club, I think that would only add to the anxiety at home.

@Rori- Oh the eternal struggle to truly be ourselves in relationship. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, more is required of you. I guess that’s what adds to the adventure of long term marriage.

By: Rori Raye

Rori Raye — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 00:46:04 +0000

Soothing your anxieties is a brilliant way to put it. For us women, in order to really be alive, we must FEEL, and when we sense we’re about to feel something we’re afraid to feel, our anxieties push us into DOING something – anything – to stop it from happening. This keeps us from ever really being ourselves in our relationships, and so from ever really getting close to our men. Thanks for another great post, Rori

By: Tanya

Tanya — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:52:12 +0000

I’m still learning all of this now, but man, another great article! This is spot on…I try and release anxieties by just getting away. Going shopping by myself, reading, getting a facial, etc. Whatever I can do for myself. Once I take myself away from the situation, things get better and less tense.

By: Laurie

Laurie — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:50:13 +0000

Speaking of code words, my hub calls me “sweetie” when I am getting on his nerves. When I hear that, I know to back down and I am not offended. I like this way of him saying “Back Down Laurie” because he smiles while he says it and I think it’s cute. I also don’t have a feeling to be defensive when he says it so it is a win/win.

By: d

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:11:39 +0000

My SO and I also use a code word. When things get too heated for one of us, we’ll say the code word, which automatically brings the other person out of that state and directs both of us too assess the situation. The code word is like a spotlight on our emotional reactivity. It’s worked pretty well.

By: Pace

Pace — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:12:16 +0000

Well said, Corey! Some specific things I do to avoid emotional reactivity are:

1. I remind myself, “It’s not all about me.” I often jump to taking things personally instead of thinking about where Kyeli is coming from, how’s she’s feeling, how her day has been, etc. It’s the catchphrase that reminds me to make the covert overt.

2. I ask to take a break. If I get angry or upset, there will be adrenaline and whatnot coursing through my vein, and I’ll be likely to stay angry even if the original reason for the anger has gone away.

3. I ask for reassurance. Sometimes I jump to the worst possible conclusion. To soothe my fears, I ask for reassurance that the worst is not in fact the case. Kyeli and I have worked out agreements and boundaries for giving each other reassurance, and it helps us avoid our anxiety getting out of control.