Thanks to the Love of my Wife
Editor’s Note: This is the story about my marriage journey, which I reflect on each year in order to continue growing in my life and marriage. I’m sharing it again as part of the “one of my favorites” category.
If you’ve been reading Simple Marriage for any length of time, and have been commenting at all on the posts, then we’ve had the chance to get know each other a little bit. Today I’m going to be much more personal and share my wife and I’s story.
I’ve written a couple of times about our moment together in the mall food court discussing whether or not our marriage was going to make it, but I’ve yet to share what led up to this discussion.
My wife and I married when we were in our early 20s. I had just completed college, in fact our wedding was a couple of weeks after my graduation. I accepted a job as a youth minister while on our honeymoon, and we headed off into the married and working world.
We had no real idea what lie in store for us, but we moved 450 miles away from our families and started our life together.
The first few years were a blur, at least for me. I was full time in the ministry while my wife was finishing up college and studying for the CPA exam. It was pretty easy for us to fall into the routine of life and marriage. We had no idea what we were doing.
Over the years my wife became less of a fan of me being in the ministry, too much time away, too many times when I would choose being “just one of the teenagers” and not her husband (can’t blame her for not being a fan of that). Over the course of a year, we drifted into the roommates routine. Being friendly with each other but not really sharing anything deep together.
After a particularly rough summer of ministry, I began withdrawing from the relationship. I’d spend more time out with the teens or other families at church than I would at home with my wife. In turn, she began working longer hours and being wrapped up in her career.
We fought more, although we rarely argued, there was just a chronic level of tension and disconnect. My wife and I’s relationship was distant and cold.
I was falling into the beginnings of an emotional affair with another girl. On top of this, I had a big struggle with pornography.
I would find myself sitting up at 2 AM, staring out the window into the darkness. It was hell.
One evening while housesitting for some friends, my wife and I began talking. As the conversation unfolded, everything came out.
My immediate reaction was to run. I just wanted to get away and not deal with the problems. My wife would have none of it. I saw my wife become one of the strongest people I’ve ever seen. She stuck it out. She shot straight. She didn’t play games.
I left the ministry, began a year and a half of counseling in order to restore my life and my marriage. Throughout this journey I discovered many things about myself. But it wasn’t until I began to grow up and take care of my own crap that I realized how much I risked losing.
Many years later I asked my wife what helped her stick it out – how she stayed in love with me through this valley. Her reply, you became the person I originally knew, as a man.
Somewhere along the way I wound up lost. Doing life more as a robot than alive. More concerned about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself.
Surprisingly, this valley in our marriage only lasted a couple of months. I think it’s because we both had made a commitment to marriage for life. It wasn’t something either of us could easily throw away.
I once heard someone say to a friend that their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for. The response I heard in return – “That’s because you haven’t fought for it. Something’s only worth fighting for AFTER you’ve fought for it.”
Sitting here as I write this, I can think of no truer words.
Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.17 Responses to “Thanks to the Love of my Wife”
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Thank you for sharing your very personal and real story. My wife and I have had our tough times, but nothing as close to losing our marriage as you have shared. I do have friends who have very similar stories to yours, and it helps me to know that someone that I admire so much in the “marriage world” has shared those struggles.
Thanks for your honesty and transparency. You are a true warrior and an example to all.
Thanks Dustin. I too like to know that I'm not alone in the struggles of life and marriage. It is important to share life together, both in marriage and with friends. That seems to be one of the best ways to experience more in life.
Thanks Lantz.
Your story reminded me of the tough times Alisa and I went through in the early years of our marriage. Like yours, although not at a food court, but in our apartment we were so close to turning it in. This was the one and only time we used the “D” word, divorce. We were roommate not husband and wife. I still remember the tears running down my face, blurring my vision of Alisa and our relationship. I don't remember what was said that day, but I knew at the end of that conversation we were going to make our marriage the most important thing in our lives. That was 10 years ago now. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing. I've found the junk my wife and I went through–very similar to your own experience–has made us stronger as a couple and me better as a counselor. Truly, we look at it as an (un-owed) payment of God's promise to us as Christ-followers in Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (ESV).
Thank you for sharing your story. Presently, my husband and I are going through a difficult time and though I am committed to our marriage and standing by his side. There are times when that is incredibly difficult. But, as your wife said to you, I do know who my husband truly is. And for that reason, I will do whatever it takes to get through this time with him. But, again, thank you for sharing your story and it reminds me that I am not alone in thinking that who we know our spouse to be is a singular reason to stay so committed.
Very personal, very true, very helpful. Thanks for sharing a bit of your darker times, offering hope for others who might still be there. I'm always fascinated to get the male perspective from you–to see what led you away, what led you back. I loved that last line. So, so, true.
It's amazing the peaks and valleys that marriage can provide. It's also almost universal that those that work through the valley will experience higher peaks in the relationship. Thanks Tony.
I am grateful every day for God's grace and love – and for the love of my wife. Hard times help with perspective.
Working through the difficulties of marriage is worth it. And you're right that's it's good to know that we're not alone in the struggles of life.
Thanks Alisa. I absolutely love the last line as well – and keep it in mind as much as possible.
Corey,
Thank you for sharing your very personal story. It was very courageous of you. I am a long time reader, but first time I've commented.
My husband had an emotional affair and while it ended (I found out), I am still hurt and at times am so angry at myself for having been so stupid as to not know and angry at him for having done that to me. How did your wife recover (for lack of a better word)?
Thanks for sharing this personal and private story with us.
Thanks Melissa.
Hey Ohio-
Thanks for jumping in the conversation. It's probably best if I let my wife Pam take care of this reply. I'll ask her to jump on later this evening.
Ohio, I'm Pam (Corey's wife). “Recovery” took a while. I spent some time with a counselor, both individually and with Corey. It was helpful at a minimum to have an objective (highly qualified) third party to go over things with. I didn't try to force the recovery, just went with the flow and addressed the feelings/issues as they arose. Eventually I figured out what the triggers were that set off the anger you referenced and learned to deal with it in a healthy way.
Through it all, I learned more about myself and stood up for myself like never before. I think that was more attractive to Corey and helped create more of a relationship that he wanted to fight for as well.
Trust can be reestablished. A deeper strength and love can come as well. Hang in there.