Thanks To The Love Of My Wife
Post written by Corey Allan. Follow me on Twitter.
If you’ve been reading Simple Marriage for any length of time, and have been commenting at all on the posts, then we’ve had the chance to get know each other a little bit. Today I’m going to be much more personal and share my wife and I’s story.
I’ve written a couple of times about our moment together in the mall food court discussing whether or not our marriage was going to make it, but I’ve yet to share what led up to this discussion.
My wife and I married when we were in our early 20s. I had just completed college, in fact our wedding was a couple of weeks after my graduation. I accepted a job as a youth minister while on our honeymoon, and we headed off into the married and working world.
We had no real idea what lie in store for us, but we moved 450 miles away from our families and started our life together.
The first few years were a blur, at least for me. I was full time in the ministry while my wife was finishing up college and studying for the CPA exam. It was pretty easy for us to fall into the routine of life and marriage. We had no idea what we were doing.
Over the years my wife became less of a fan of me being in the ministry, too much time away, too many times when I would choose being “just one of the teenagers” and not her husband (can’t blame her for not being a fan of that). Over the course of a year, we drifted into the roommates routine. Being friendly with each other but not really sharing anything deep together.
After a particularly rough summer of ministry, I began withdrawing from the relationship. I’d spend more time out with the teens or other families at church than I would at home with my wife. In turn, she began working longer hours and being wrapped up in her career.
We fought more, although we rarely argued, there was just a chronic level of tension and disconnect. My wife and I’s relationship was distant and cold.
I was falling into the beginnings of an emotional affair with another girl. On top of this, I had a big struggle with pornography.
I would find myself sitting up at 2 AM, staring out the window into the darkness. It was hell.
One evening while housesitting for some friends, my wife and I began talking. As the conversation unfolded, everything came out.
My immediate reaction was to run. I just wanted to get away and not deal with the problems. My wife would have none of it. I saw my wife become one of the strongest people I’ve ever seen. She stuck it out. She shot straight. She didn’t play games.
I left the ministry, began a year and a half of counseling in order to restore my life and my marriage. Throughout this journey I discovered many things about myself. But it wasn’t until I began to grow up and take care of my own crap that I realized how much I risked losing.
Many years later I asked my wife what helped her stick it out – how she stayed in love with me through this valley. Her reply, you became the person I originally knew, as a man.
Somewhere along the way I wound up lost. Doing life more as a robot than alive. More concerned about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself.
Surprisingly, this valley in our marriage only lasted a couple of months. I think it’s because we both had made a commitment to marriage for life. It wasn’t something either of us could easily throw away.
I once heard someone say to a friend that their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for. The response I heard in return – “that’s because you haven’t fought for it. Something’s only worth fighting for after you’ve fought for it.”
Sitting here as I write this, I can think of no truer words.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.60 Responses to “Thanks To The Love Of My Wife”
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This is a beautiful post, especially the last line: something is worth fighting for only after you’ve fought for it. I’ll remember this. Thank you.
Thanks Daphne- I will continue to hold onto the last line as well.
Incredible post. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing this. You are a regular person Corey with regular struggles like the rest of us. I guess I thought you were born with your act together.
Pam is a class act all the way. I have truly enjoyed meeting her and find her to be a genuine lady. I’m glad you fought to keep her. You’d been an idiot if you hadn’t.
Laurie- I was born with my act together, then stupidity took over for a time.
And you are completely accurate in your assessment of my wife, as well as the idiocy of possibly letting her go.
I just recently stumbled upon your blog and I have to say that I love it already.
Your story sounds very similar to ours. Our valley has lasted a lot longer, but we are still working on it, going to therapy and doing things on our own to make it work. I enjoy reading your blog and hope to have the same success with my marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story. I
There are many people who share similar struggles as this. I guess it’s good to know you’re not alone in struggles, that other people are or have been there so you can reach out for support. It’s also good to hear about others who fight for marriage as well. Keep up the fight – it’s worth it!
WOW! i am so encouraged by reading this, my wife and i have been going through this as well. it is refreshing to see a man of such integrity that he bares his soul on the internet such as this and says this was my hell but i have fought to find heaven, it makes me realize that if i don’t start living and not being a robot my life and love will matter little but if i start throwing punches and fighting back, i can accomplish a marriage we have dreamed of. It’s almost frightening how similar what i am going through is.
Thanks for the kind words. And Blessings to you both as you fight for your marriage.
Corey, Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married 11. Early in our marriage we went through a rough time, a low point. It was the most powerful thing to me to be able to not only get through it okay, but to become stronger as a couple because of it. I learned that my husband loves me and will fight for us no matter what, and that knowledge has made all the difference.
It is interesting that most every person I know who has a great marriage has been through some major struggle along the way. It’s a pity we have to hit such lows in order to experience such highs.
Beautiful, stunning, wow.
Thanks Sean-
On a lighter note – I can’t believe that I wrote something where you only responded with 3 words. That’s very little for a wordsmith like yourself. I take it as a compliment.
Corey,
Thank you for your honesty and insight!
I think most long-term marriages go through at least one crisis similar to what you experienced. It’s happened once for us during my 25 year marriage.
If nobody pays attention to the relationship, then the relationship slowly dies. If at least one person starts to make an effort, then there is a chance. If both people start trying again, then it’ll likely succeed.
Your last couple of sentences are nicely stated. Thanks.
Corey, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing that. I really believe it is a testimony that will encourage others to fight for their marriage.
Your victory in that battle stands as hope for others who might think it can’t be won. It is one thing for a guy to get on the net and give advice from what he has learned from a book. It is another thing for a guy who has been there; done that. Your testimony garners more respect for your words.
I agree with you; it seems like the strongest marriages are ones that have been fought for. Hopefully, it doesn’t HAVE to be this way, and others can learn from our own mistakes, fights, and victories. As sweet as the victory and prise for the fight… It would be nice to think we could have done it the right way from the start.
Bless you!
Thanks Robin.
Wonderful timing. My wife and I discussed last night some serious things about whether we should seperate or not. Two hours later, with our 7 year old knocking on the door over and over, we decided to not do anything rash. We would do couple’s therapy and see what we could work out. Then I read this post, and for the first time, I had the thought, “What if it’s me that’s the problem? What if I need to change?” This whole time I was thinking I just couldn’t take certain things about her anymore, and I never thought to ask myself why it wasn’t such a big deal five years ago…
Thanks. While I do not know what the outcome will be for myself, I feel I have another card up my sleeve now…
Thanks Eric- The best thing to keep in mind when it comes to working on your marriage is you can only work on you.
I can’t even tell you. That last line just gave me goosebumps. Thank you for sharing this, for being so bravely honest. Marriage, if it is a good one, demands the best we have to give.
I like the “demands the best we have to give” idea. The more we live from the best in us, the better everything is. The other benefit is, when you live from the best in you, it’s met by the best in your spouse.
This is good. It seems that 90% of having a successful marriage is just sticking to it when it’s hard. Eventually, it gets better. Not automatically, of course. Not surprisingly, I have my own story of going through a difficult period when I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it. Incidentally, I was the one who wanted to leave. But I didn’t. And like someone else said, I learned that my husband loves me more than I ever thought possible. Part of my growing up was learning to receive his love, even though it doesn’t always look like what I think I want. But it’s always what I need. And of course, another part of my growing up was learning to love him and serve him, even when I didn’t feel like it. At this point, we’re back to being best friends – there is no one else I would rather spend time with.
And kudos to you, btw, for doing all those hard things. Leaving ministry is not an easy thing to do.
Thanks Lucy- Learning to receive love can be one of the hardest things to do in life. There is tremendous growth involved to accomplish this.
I’m reading this just wishing my husband would, the article as well as the comments, but he won’t and I don’t want to force it on him by forwarding him a link. He doesn’t believe in fighting for our marriage and just filed for divorce a few days ago. I’m working on me (to improve the marriage) because I know I can’t change anything about him or unharden his heart, he’s got to choose to do it himself.
I just wish he could see the payoff for sticking it out through this rough time. We’ve only been married 1/2 a year but this economic crisis has hit us hard and brought up all his anxieties. I just want him to put his power of belief in me and our marriage but he obviously wants the “easy way out”, as if divorce were so quick and simple to do.
Thanks, this reminds me to call our marriage counselor again to schedule an appointment. He’s somewhat reluctantly ok’d going to see her, and since we both still love each other, this gives me a small bit of hope during this rough time.
Thank you for such a personal story Corey.
For those of you who have weathered your own rough storms, what made you decide you or your spouse wanted to stick it out and not give up on the relationship altogether?
I stayed because my hub is my family and you don’t dump your family. Besides I love him and am committed to him.
Corey also helped me to realize that what was, doesn’t have to be what is, nor what will be. With that being said, the only thing I could change is me but I found that making changes in myself caused him to change in response. It is hard work and everyday is a new opportunity to grow up a little more. Yesterday I wanted to smack the dope. But I did well. I didn’t try to manage his stuff but left him in charge of his own garbage. By doing that, I was able to move through the day and enjoy it without getting bogged down and fused together.
Love is the foundation that allows you to grow and make it through the rough spots. Obviously there is little you can do for him to stick it out, you can only work on you and express your desires. As for forwarding the article to him, go ahead, he can choose whether or not to read it, simply send it to him, don’t bring it up beyond that, and see what happens. Best of luck.
I can’t even begin to say how much the comment “Something’s only worth fighting for after you’ve fought for it” struck me. My Husband and I are in the middle of our second marriage (to each other!) and are attending a 6 week Couples Communication course through our insurance. There are countless times the immature ghost of my past self pops in and wants to throw in the towel, but I tell myself ‘not again’ and choose to fight, even when I am the only one fighting. Give and take. Love is often at two different levels between two people, always dancing between one another.
Here’s to fighting for something that truly is ‘worth it.’
I’m raising my coffee in salute to your last statement. Thanks.
A wonderfully honest and frank post. My husband and I hear your story echoed again and again in the marriage ministry we’re involved in. The enemy will do whatever he can to break up a marriage and God bless you and your wife for not giving in.
Truly, a man will become the husband his wife needs him to be when he becomes the man that God has called him to be.
“Truly, a man will become the husband his wife needs him to be when he becomes the man that God has called him to be.”
what an amazing statement i never thought of it this way so simple yet so compound at the same time.
thanks for that
I completely agree that on a Spiritual level, great (even good) Christian marriages are opposed by the enemy. Blessings on your marriage and your ministry!
Thanks for sharing such a true, all too common story. I counseled for several years and, as you know, the incidents of this type of damage are everywhere and cut across all demographics. As a wife I can relate as my husband and I have had the same struggle. Its very difficult as a wife to learn about the addictions you discussed. What I have learned over the years is that it is equally devastating for my husband. I admire you, him and all other men who do the hard work of restoration and come out the other side. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for your comment. As many other comments attest, this is an all too common story in marriage. I hope that more couples will stick it out – it’s so worth it.
The ministry and a special needs child just took over our marriage, but we committed for life and even though my partner does not handle the emotional parts of discussions well, he gives it serious considerations and comes back to life – when he could not come home and help with children he did extra work on the side to pay for helpers for me. We just could not do things in a traditional way or we would have been roommates for life. It takes work and effort and commitment.
Very nice post
Your story proves that there are many ways to work through the issues of marriage. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Great story – makes me realize that there’s a lot more that I can learn from you that I realized.
Thanks Tyler.
Corey,
Dave and I have a great respect for you and Pam. We hold you each dear to our hearts. Your honesty is admirable and Pam’s strength is one of her best traits. God has blessed you both with the wisdom to seek His will and make a choice to love each other. For that I am thankful and I am very touched by your honesty about your struggles. We too have gone through a time of indifference toward each other. Dave also had an emotional affair and a bout with pornography, but God persevered and our marriage is whole once again. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom with your readers. It makes a difference just knowing that there are others out there with the same struggles.
Love you guys,
Terri
It’s great to see you commenting here Terri. Thanks for adding to the discussion and for the influence both you and Dave were for me through high school and college. Blessings to you and your family.
Wow. That last line is a standard, a measure and an inspiration all in one.
Thank you.
Corey, what made you stick it out? When you wanted to run, was it purely the strength of your commitment that caused you to stay?
I think a more accurate description of my wanting to run would be I wanted to hide in my shell (“turtle up”) and wait until it all blew over. I didn’t want out of the marriage, just didn’t want to deal with the problems.
“Turtle up”? Where have I heard that before? Been there done that.
Turtle up. Love it!
But I am curious. What brought you out of your shell? Was it safety? Adoration? Acceptance? Time? Or a personal revelation? I’ve seen this tendency in my own marriage. And my response (which admittedly could use a “tiny bit” of improvement) more often then not sends Hank deeper into his shell rather than coaxing him out.
I guess it was both time and more growth in myself. Probably the best thing my wife did through all this was she owned up to her own contribution to the marriage routine and she didn’t push for answers, she simply was more present. She did ask some questions but she didn’t badger me for answers.
Food for thought.
(Note to self. No badgering.)
Thanks for the insight.
Hi Corey,
Thanks for sharing your story. Marriage isn’t always easy. Sometimes we can think that others have no problems, or that everything just falls into place. Rarely (if ever) is that the case. I recall a certain point in my marriage where I became withdrawn – and my wife became very much a rock in our married life – fighting to bring us together on a deeper level. Marriage is worth fighting for…
It’s amazing how strong women can be. The idea of them being the “weaker” sex is pretty far off from the truth. Thanks for sharing your journey Lance.
Wow Corey,
Your willingness to share your story shows the confidence gained from such a trial.
Congratulations on keeping it together, and making it amazing.
You are lucky to be married to such a rock. My deepest respects to your wife. Wow. Way to stick with it.
Thanks Dan. And thanks for all the help in getting my book together.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. It’s such a comfort to meet other people that are real and willing to talk about it.
There is such benefit from knowing we’re not in this life and our struggles alone. If the taboo of sharing some of your hurts was lifted, I think we’d get so much more out of life.
I think there’s a lot of truth to your blog and your words are helpful to many others. Now let me scold your grammer in the nicest way possible. “My wife and I’s story,” should actually be phrased as “My wife and my story.” It may look awkward, but consider that if you took either you or your wife out of the sentence, it would still have to make sense. You definitely would not say, “I’s story,” if you were just talking about yourself.
Thanks again for an amazing story.
Wow – I feel like I’m back in grade school again
Thanks for the “correctioning” of my grammar. And thank you for your comment.
Actually, I believe that Suze’s correction is still a little bit off– it should be “my wife’s and my story”. Or heck, just “our story”.
Anyway.
Corey,
I am so appreciative your honesty and genuinness. I met you at a time when I was more of an observer than a friend (in grad school), and it did seem like you had it “all put together.” I’ve always loved the relationship you and Pam have, and have even found myself envious of marriages that seem to click so well all the time. This story makes you more human — it tells of your struggles and your rise above them. I am grateful for your openness. It speaks volumes about you!!
Thanks Jennifer.
This is a great post. Thank you so much for sharing.