The 21-Day Complaint Free Marriage Experiment, Part Deux
Photo courtesy annia316
Almost a year ago I came across the complaint free experiment on Tim Ferriss’ blog. Since New Years, my wife and I have embarked on a 21-day complaint free marriage experiment, again. If you’ve been a reader of Simple Marriage for a while, this experiment will not be new to you. If you are a more recent reader, the following is part of the original post.
So why try this again? Why not!
It took me almost 3 months to complete this experiment the first time. And totally throwing my wife under the bus – she hasn’t made it yet. So we’re trying it again.
The idea is simple; go 21 days in a row without complaining. Sounds easy, right?
Nope!
I consider myself to be a pretty optimistic person and even though this is my second attempt to go 21 days, I’m still messing up. The new year is almost 2 weeks old and I’ve started over 4 times.
This whole thing was started by Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister, who recognized there was far too much complaining in the world. He proposes that word choice determines thought choice, which determines emotions and actions. If you can eliminate complaining, you will experience more happiness.
Will’s designed one possible solution: wear a purple bracelet (actually anything will do, I have been using a rubber band), go 21 days in a row without complaining, gossiping, or criticizing. If you mess up, that’s ok, switch the bracelet to the other arm and start again at day 1.
So what exactly is a complaint?
My wife and I have already had many discussions on the subject. Here’s what we have come up with thus far. Any negative description of an event, person, or issue. Gossiping is pretty easy to define. As is criticizing. Discussing facts are okay. Here’s Eckhart Tolle’s take on the subject:
Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up-if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. “How dare you serve me cold soup…?” That’s complaining.
Already I have noticed the effect this is having on my thinking. It’s forcing me to be more aware and precise. It has also forced me to spend more time listening and thinking before speaking. Each time we’ve tried this experiment, it has been a tremendous metacognitive experiment.
So how does this work in marriage? We have decided to challenge each other. While complaining is specifically a personal thing, it spills over into marriage. We are also adding no marital complaints without suggestions of solutions. While we are each on the 21 day journey ourselves, we are experiencing it together. Encouraging each other, and bouncing questions off each other regarding what is or is not a complaint.
This is where you come in. Why don’t you join us?
All you have to lose is the complaining!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.16 Responses to “The 21-Day Complaint Free Marriage Experiment, Part Deux”
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Let’s do it again!
Good Stuff…
OK…I’m in. I am starting today. I will not count today though as it is almost over, but it is a good primer for tomorrow…Great post!
I’m single and unattached but I’m going to give it a shot in my everyday life, starting tomorrow! Thanks for the reminder.
Hi Corey,
Great post, and great project! I tried it once after reading How To Make Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Chapter 1 was “Don’t complain, criticize or condemn.” I gave myself 30 days and don’t think I ever completed a full 30!
So I appreciate the challenge of doing this. Yet it is so worthwhile. Although my experiment didn’t stop me complaining, it did make me more aware, until now, when I’m being negative. That awareness makes it easier to catch myself and stop while I still can.
All the best in the next 21 days!
I absolutely love that concept. As a married woman, is it possible to do it without telling your spouse and kids and then observing if they change because they notice a change in you?
@Gutsy Writer- Sure it’s possible. In fact it would make for a great experiment! Let us know how it goes.
Yes, my dear husband, you threw me under the bus! The most I’ve gone is 12 days. I’m excited we are doing this again.
The hardest part for me is to not complain at work. So, this morning I enlisted my staff to participate in the experiment, too. I’m excited to see the effect it may have on all of us as a team.
I was just invited to a facebook group called “The 22-day No Complaining about YOU Marriage Challenge” that was sparked by this blog post.
If I join the FB group today there is no complaining until February 3rd….Glad I started the challenge here first. I can start complaining as of Jan 31st!! HAHAHA.
I love this idea! I get your RSS feed and started this yesterday and so far my rubber band is on the same wrist *crosses fingers* I just want to say that I’ve already noticed a difference in my attitude and perspective. I’ll be seriously surprised if I complete it the first time around but it’s a really great challenge.
@V.Higgins- I wish you luck on the experiment. I changed wrists yesterday, the 6th time starting over this go around. Day one again!
Yeah, I started over 5 times today Xp
wow a trial marriage, what a joke.
its unforgivable for me.