The 5 Steps To A Simple Marriage- Part 1: Use The Force
Photo courtesy weirena
Over the course of the next several weeks I’ll be posting in more detail each of the steps involved in creating a Simple Marriage. While this series is not going to be the end-all guaranteed way to simplify your marriage, I do hope it will help you and your spouse in creating a laser-like focus for your relationship.
For an overview of the 5 steps feel free to check this post. Now on to step one: Grow Deeper Spiritually.
No matter how you slice it, we live in a world that is more than just what we see in front of us. There is an interconnectedness among living things. And whether you personally subscribe to a belief that there is a God who created this mess as I do or if you are into a more new age philosophy, deepening your understanding of the spiritual will only aid in growing your marriage.
Allow me to explain, and for the purposes of our discussion, I will be referring to the spiritual nature of things through a relationship with God.
I believe that man and woman were created in relationship and for relationship. While we don’t necessarily need a relationship for our individual survival, we do need it for the procreation of our species.
Everywhere you look, Creation is in relationship. Plants need carbon dioxide, sunlight and water to emit oxygen. Animals need oxygen, food and water and emit carbon dioxide. All living organisms are in relation to something. Just like the beginning of the movie The Lion King, there really is a circle of life.
To further illustrate this point, there was a cemetery that needed to be relocated in order to make way for further urban development. As they were moving the tombstones and the remains of those buried there, they came across a row of graves along a fence with an apple tree growing on the other side. As they unearthed one grave, they discovered that the roots of the tree had wrapped around the bones of the deceased creating an almost perfect skeletal replica. The tree fed off the person who may have once fed off the fruit from the tree.
We are connected to the world around us. Spend any length of time in nature and you’ll notice your breathing and heart rate will slow down to be more in tune with your surroundings. Whenever I go backpacking, it takes me 2 or 3 days to slow down to nature’s pace. Once it happens, I don’t want to return to civilization.
Growing spiritually provides a way to be more in tune with the world around us, and more importantly, the people around us. Have you known people who can sense when something is up in the people next to them? They know just when to ask you, “hey, everything ok?” To become more in tune with others, you must grow deeper spiritually.
How?
- Read master’s work. Find works from the leaders of the field. Foundational or seminal works from which spiritual movements began. For me this means spending time reading the Bible as well as other Christian writers. While I may not agree with every writer’s take on things from the Bible, reading what I don’t agree with helps me to firm up what I do believe. If you are more into the zen philosophies, read works from the Dali Lama. The Good Heart, A Buddhist Perspective on The Teaching of Jesus was a great read for me.
- Surround yourself with a community of believers. There is a tremendous synergy that comes from a group of like minded people. Being with people who will challenge your belief and you can challenge theirs is a great way to grow.
- Ask your spouse what they really believe, tell them what you believe. This may seem like common sense, “Oh I already know what they believe.” Do you really? This may also open up a can of worms in your marriage. But the issue is affecting you both just below the surface, bring it out in the open and address it. When this is done as a way to understand each other rather than a way to try and get your spouse to come around to your way of thinking, it can be very productive.
- Pray. Spend time in quiet prayer. After praying, meditate, relax, and wait for a response. See if anything surfaces from your subconscious or your thoughts. Listen for the spirit of God. I believe God is active and alive in the world today so I can learn to be more in tune with Him through prayer.
- Have sex. What? Did I just recommend sex for spiritual growth? Yep. There is a spiritual component to sex. Quit “spectatoring” (focusing on performance) and get in touch with your spouse. For a more detailed guide, go here.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.9 Responses to “The 5 Steps To A Simple Marriage- Part 1: Use The Force”
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[...] you miss the first parts of this series? No worries. Here they are. Part 1, part 2, part 3, part [...]
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[...] over at The Simple Marriage Project recently did an article on Growing Deeper Spiritually and it got me thinking. You see, I am deeply religious and find it very gratifying. I think [...]
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[...] over at The Simple Marriage Project recently did an article on Growing Deeper Spiritually and it got me thinking. You see, I am deeply religious and find it very gratifying. I think [...]
Awesome post Corey. The times that sex has been the most intimate have seemed the most spiritual. I believe sex can be an act of worship when done from the heart as an intimate act of love. There have been times I have felt God’s presence in the room. I have silently prayed during sex. It was so wonderful.
Just to be honest, the more spiritual my hub becomes, the more attractive he is to me. I have also noticed that the closer I am to God, the closer I seem to be to my hub. I think a marriage relationship and God is as intertwined as your skeleton and the tree roots that you mentioned.
Corey, do you think what you say is really true to those whose spirituality rests on something other than Christ? I believe that what you say describes the affect of spirituality on marriage in a Christian marriage because it is based on Jesus. But I can’t see it holding true to new age philosophies because in my mind, those are not based on truth. What do you think?
My other question is how important do you believe it is for a couple to pray together? Do you and your wife pray together? What can it do for a marriage? I feel the man should take the lead on this and that really won’t happen as far as I can see.
PS. have a great time on your vacation. I wish I could sneak on your suitcase. I’ve never been to the Caribbean. :O)
@Laurie – I am strongly Christian, and I have to say that there is a great deal of truth residing in Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, and other religions. One of the greatest men that I know is a Buddhist.
I absolutely think that spirituality – defined as a real relationship to the Creator, however you understand that, is essential to a fulfilling marriage. What a great post Corey. Gave it a Stumble.
I didn’t think that Buddhism was a religion but a philosophy. While those things have thruths in them, they are not complete in their thruth. That was where I was coming from. Can you reach the same destination with spiritualily in a marriage with bits of truth? I really don’t think so. What do you think?
Your third step that understand to each other is the necessary steps for a simple and happy marriage life.
@laurie:
Spirituality is not something that may be limited to one faith or philosophy, it is a deeply personal journey. Ask a congregation of Christians their beliefs and you’ll be surprised at the variety of answers: some will think of Mary as merely a woman, a vessel for Jesus, while others may see her as holy, even a Goddess. (I’ve asked many Christians this, since I am Pagan and believe in a Goddess and a God- Duality of Divinity and all, and have been surprised and delighted to find that their answers are varied and encompassing.)
Frankly, I was a bit disheartened to read your post since I have found in my years as Clergy (ordained and performing many marriages) that the best and most successful marriages are those with a strong spiritual base- even if the base is not Christian or even two different, but mutually inclusive faiths.
Truth may be found in many places. It is not for any of us to say whose version of truth is more valid- they ALL are. We are not able to comprehend the Divine in its entirety so there are many small truths that we may cling to. That is my understanding and belief.
I respect and honor your position, though my own is different.
Blessings,
M
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.