How many chameleons do you meet each day? People who have the ability to blend into the group they’re with.
I know you’ve met a few, perhaps you’ve married one, or you’re one yourself.
A chameleon is the guy who becomes whatever he believes the person he is with wants him to be in order to be liked. He’s the guy who uses the big words when he’s with his smart friends, talks sports with his athletic friends, cusses and swears with his work friends, is the perfect son when around his mother, and all business talk when with his father.
Underneath it all, the chameleon has no idea who he is or if anyone else would like him if he was able to just be himself.
What drives him is the desire to be what he perceives others want him to be because if he doesn’t, he’s afraid he’ll end up alone.
The irony of all this – he likely already feels alone most of the time anyway.
Since chameleons do not believe they are okay and likable just as they are, they will go to great lengths to convince themselves and others that they are lovable. If you’re a chameleon, you may focus on something about yourself, or what you do, or even who you’re around in order to attain the approval and validation you seek from others – things like your looks, talent, smarts, work ethic, kindness, attractive spouse, cute kids, nice house or nice car.
While everyone gives these parts of life some thought, chameleons attach these parts to the perceived value it provides for their life. Let me give you an example:
Steve uses the various parts of his life to win approval and love from others. He prides himself for always being in a good mood, dressing well, living in the right neighborhood, driving a nice and always clean car, having cute kids, and an attractive wife. When he and his wife go out, he’s very concerned about how she looks because of the reflection her attractiveness to others has on him.
Steve also wants to be seen as a good dad, so he likes to dress his kids so they look cute, then take them to the park. He believes when others see his kids they will smile and perceive him to be a good father.
What’s interesting is that no one really values Steve for his attachments, as none of these things have anything to do with who he is as a man.
The Dilemma Of Close Relationships
Relationships, especially close ones, present a problem (and we all face this problem). There’s no way that you can be in a close, committed relationship, and not have your partner discover who you really are. This is the reason intimate relationships are so difficult. They’re balancing acts.
Every committed relationship carries with it the fear of hurt or betrayal due to vulnerability and the fear of isolation or loneliness if you’re not close. How you navigate this balancing act is the mechanism for growth in the relationship.
In reality: You can get as close as YOU choose in your relationships.
Perhaps you’ve believed the opposite – that your partner has to be open and available in order to create intimacy in the relationship. This is known as “other-validation,” and it’s very common in relationships (especially marriage).
Other-validated intimacy looks like this:
“I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it’s only fair. But before I go, you have to make me safe and secure. I need to be able to trust you.”
When you approach relationships with too much emphasis on the other person and their reaction, response or validation – you create the chameleon. And being in a relationship as a chameleon, or with one, almost ensures that neither partner will experience the intimacy and love both are seeking in the relationship.
There’s a fundamental truth at work in every relationship – relationships (good, bad, and everything in between) are co-created. In order for there to be a relationship, the partner’s have to collude to create it. This may hit you like a punch in the gut, but it’s truth.
To move beyond the chameleon and use your relationships to grow, here’s a few rules to follow:
- Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development.
- Don’t count on your partner confronting him/herself … that’s his/her business.
- Stop taking your partner’s reactions personally.
- Don’t react to your feelings.
- Stop trying to change your partner.
- Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept or validate you.
- Forget about working on the relationship, and start working on yourself.
- Focus on your self, and not what your partner isn’t doing.
As you’ve probably figured out, another name for the chameleon is Nice Guy. And if you’re looking for more information on how to move beyond the Nice Guy/Girl syndrome, check out Adults Only Marriage.
(photo source)
Interesting read, about #3 & #6 (all else are very true) why shouldn’t i take them personally? their reactions? and don’t we all have a need to be accepted and validated? what about these things? if i stop wanting to be validated and accepted, wont i also be a chameleon?
I do believe that we all want to be accepted and validated, but if I place this as a need, I increase the likelihood that I’ll be a chameleon in order to get this need met. Trying to live according to others acceptance and validation is a moving target.
As for my partner’s reactions and my response to them, my partner is a separate being who is entitled to respond to life any way they wish. When I take their reactions personally, I find myself reacting to their reactions, then they react to mine and on the spiral goes. The interaction then becomes about our reactions, not whatever we were discussing in the first place.
I agree…i don’t understand how to not take that personally…esp if they’re my partner. I get the whole not MAKING them thing, but…idk. I might as well be single for all of that.
I also believe that if my partner does not share their inner self w/me…that they don’t trust me. Why be in this r’ship, if they don’t trust me?
(btw, I’m not married…I guess you could say I’m preparing for the future)
I’ve recently taken this kind of approach in my marriage. I’m trying to focus more on myself than my wife. Not in a selfish way but a more calm, understanding, and giving way. I’m learning that because I’ve done something I’ve done it because I want to and not because I expect anything more than a “thank you” in return. I’ve finally realized that I’m not going to change her, only she has the power to realize that she should change or not. Based on the changes I’m making to be a better person and husband I can only hope that she does the same on her own. Only then will we be able to grow as a couple. I think I’m on track but will only find out in time.
I have also learned that if one person wants to grow and the other does not then the road can only be traveled so far. The possibilities become endlesst only when both people see the need for change and act on it. So how do you convince the person that doesn’t see the need for change or is reluctant to look inward at themselves, that self-improvement is the first step at improving any relationship and the intimacy within it?
I hit the submit button prematurely…
I ask because it seems like the advice is “do nothing but hope that the other person sees the need for change without any help from the person who wants the change.”
The advice is largely what you state. The system (the relationship) will pressure the other person to change when you change, it’s the nature of every important relationship. All you can control is you, the system will work on them.
Think of it as working with an addict. They will only seek help and change when they choose, there is little any outside force can do until they choose to do something. This is the only way change will come about that’s lasting.
No. 5 — stop trying to change your partner — is such a key thing and SO hard to do! Loving in the Moment by Gina Lake talks about that (amongst all kinds of other things) and about how you need to accept and give love to your partner even when he or she isn’t doing what you want. You need to move beyond ego and love the way things ARE rather than complain about the way things aren’t — you drop expectations and demands and see your partner for who he is, instead of who he/she isn’t. No one wants to be seen as lacking, and that’s what we do when we don’t accept how people are.
Deep. Since first reading about Nice Guys, my husband has grown dramatically. He has stopped taking my reactions personally. Which is a blessing, because that would limit my responses. I’d want to say X, but couldn’t because of my fear of his response: usually in a defensive way and we’d spin out of control. Now we don’t have those issues, and he is working on the others. It all came out of him reading this blog, talking to God and looking at himself. Thank you for posting!
Hi,
there’s something about the Nice People theme that keeps bugging my mind, so I thought I’d ask…
I do know I sometimes act as a chameleon. Choosing topics I think the other person or group is interested in, which only seems polite then; when it gets out of controll and a bit over the hedge is when someone explains his point of view, I ask questions and try to finish his agruments in order to chek I understood them correctly, and then I find they believe I fully agree, because my curiosity had taken my focus and I didn’t take the time to present _my_ point of view in the same length. This can be a bit uncomfortable, with some “Ugh, sorry, I understand your point, but I don’t actually agree with everything, because”, etc.
My question is: where is, or is there a sharp line between Nice and Adult? I usually sense myself as a mixture of them, depending on the topic, my mood, the other party, and many other things – and your example, the father who dresses up his children nicely might also be more complex. I imagine this father, while he dresses them up, and waits for them, and walks /drives there with them, and watches them playing, and so on — while he does all these things he has at least one thought for every few seconds, and part of these might be like “They’re cure, and it’s important, I’d rather not have them like that boy over there, he looks so neglected, what people might think about his parents, don’t they care”, but I also think its an inner thing as well — that he does all the things that makes him _look_ like a good father, at least partly, because he wants to _be_ a good father in his own eyes, for his own reasons and heartfelt motives. I’d think it’s a question of proportinons – that we all mind others’ opinions, and do things for the sake of ourselves, and the first is only a problem when the outer mirror is not for feedback to the inner one, but it’s almost the only thing that matters. (Eg. the father in the example isn’t actually _there_, seeing his children, enjoying their play, and the moment, but is in his mind, and he only hears the imagined approval or disapproval of the Others. Which is possible, but is a bit extreme and unusual. (I hope.))
It became a bit longish, so in short again:
I’m curious about your opinion about the limits between being Nice and being an Adult. And how it relates to Being Polite (it requires some maturity and sense of diplomacy, which makes it sound like an adult thing – but it can turn into Outside-Mirror-Niceness.)?
For me it’s the question of a delicate balance, but as I said, I often find it hard to keep that balance – and I’d really love to read your opinion about it, if you feel like to.
Alba Merula
There are definitely times when it’s wise to be polite, but a Nice Guy will relate his politeness to attaining love and affection. An adult will be more solid and authentic, knowing that love and affection can only be attained through someone else’s choosing, not by the way you present yourself.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Just last night my fiance and I were arguing about changing- mostly me telling him what I feel he needs to change in order for us to work in the long run. We’re expecting our first child any day now and we’ll both have a lot of adjusting to do but I feel like I’m the only one who realizes it. We talked it out and ended it with him promising to make improvements. After reading your “rules to follow” I think I shouldn’t be pushing him to change things that hopefully will come naturally when the time is right for him. And I will definitely keep rules #7 and #8 in mind.
Thanks for the great write up on marriage and relationships, Trust and compromises are of paramount importances to make a relationship successful.
Great writeup