If you’ve read Simple Marriage for a while, you know that I believe marriage is design to grow us up.
Our growth is the result of the pressure this relationship puts on us. Pressure to both chart our own course in life and be our own person while at the same time pressure to connect with our partner and enjoy the benefits relationships offer.
Many people fall victim to believing marriage is about happiness.
That you will meet your soul mate, fall madly in love, have a romantic wedding then be swept off into a rose petal covered existence together for the rest of your life.
This Hollywood version of marriage is everywhere … in the movies.
Real life … a different story.
Marriage is not about happiness (although there are times of happiness within the relationship), it’s about growing up. And this all starts at the beginning of the relationship and the beliefs you bring into it.
There are two basic attitudes you could have going into a relationship:
- An attitude of entitlement, or
- An attitude of exposure.
Here’s the difference between the two.
An attitude of entitlement believes, “I choose you because you complete me, make me feel secure and good about myself and you make life better for me. I can expect you to meet my needs, take care of me, and make me feel better about myself than I do now. Being in relationship with you is the best thing for me because of what you provide for my life.”
An attitude of entitlement leads to an expectation of reciprocity, “I gave to you so now you owe me something in return.” Or, “I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. If I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you.”
There are many marriages that fall into this category. In these relationships, this attitude is actually a source of frustration, but they don’t realize that it’s this attitude that is causing the frustration. Instead, the spouse is blamed and seen as the cause of the marital issues.
An attitude of exposure says, “I choose you because my relationship with you is one that will expose my personality quirks, character defects and my immature ways of relating to others. This exposure is not the result of anything malicious by you, instead it’s the natural result of our committed relationship. And in this relationship I will have the opportunity to see myself in a light that I seldom do and/or have spent most of my life running from. But if I am willing to look at and address what our relationship exposes about me, I can grow up and mature into more love and passion than ever before.”
An attitude of exposure is not a natural response or view of relationships – BUT IT’S THE BEST WAY TO GROW UP!
Instead of seeing marriage as a place where you are completed, a person who is growing sees marriage as the one place that your incompletion is exposed.
The only other relationship that will expose your incompleteness to this degree is the one with your children.
So, what do you do with these two different attitudes?
First, you must own up to which attitude is yours. This takes some guts and some courage, but it’s worth it. Then second, you then confront life and marriage’s conflict in drastically different ways, depending on which attitude you choose.
If you’re driven by an attitude of entitlement, your main approach to conflict in marriage is: What is wrong with my spouse? And, What is it about my spouse that needs to change so I can experience relief and comfort? You can easily see how Nice Guys and Pleasers fall into this category.
On the other hand, if you go into a relationship with an attitude of exposure, you’ll approach issues and problems by asking: What is this situation exposing about me? And, In what ways do I need to change and grow in order to be able to more effectively love both my spouse AND myself?
Moving from one attitude to the other is a marker of growth. It is also the best way to begin to blow the roof off your marriage’s potential.
(photo source)
This is such a simple concept but so hard to remember to put into practice. Your article is a great reminder to change our attitude from blame to what we can do ourselves to improve our relationship. Thanks!
Ouch.
I am encouraged by this article, because what you call exposure is a big feature in our marraige. I was single for a long time and could easily ignore my faults because only i had to live with them. Now out of love for my husband I am seeing them as unacceptable parts of my life. He has his own issues too and we have decided to support one another in our quest to change our habits for better ones.
Wow! I think this is my favourite Simple Marriage post to date. I LOVE your description of an attitude of exposure. Bravo! Now I’m off to go spread this around the Interwebs.
This is one of the best ways to view marriage that I’ve seen. Not “… seen in a long time,” but seen EVER. It is true that we tend to criticize in others our own most visible faults, as if we know what they are but can’t quite bring ourselves to own them. So we criticize the other instead of being honestly analytical and forgiving of our own shortcomings. This approach empowers the individual to see their own faults and growing to face those challenges as a job, a role and a positive mission. It can help any married person to grow and mature regardless of the actions of their partner. It’s a game-changing paradigm and ought to be developed into a short book! Put me down for the first edition.
love this!
I got married about year and half ago and I must say that it hasn’t been easy . So I’ve been wondering what the purpose of marriage is. This really helps! Thanks!
Wow. Nicely said.
The neat thing about the exposure view is that, at the end of the day, I can only change me. Once I figured that out, I was good to go. This may be my favorite post too! That and the entire Nice Guy Series, which helped changed the direction of my marriage in many ways
I think that the trick is, when exposed, to not blame your spouse for your exposure, but to take personal ownership and then not only identify your own problems, but work to solve them. If one spouse is living the exposure, and the other is living entitlement…..rocky ground.
“Marriage is not about happiness”
A very profound statement that will, undoubtedly, be misunderstood by many.
This reminds me a lot of a quote I just heard in the movie, “Eat, Pray, Love” on the “Physics of the Quest.”
“If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a lesson, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared—most of all—to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.”
I started out with an attitude of entitlement, and that worked fine for a while. In the first few years of our marriage my wife and I both worked hard to meet each others needs.
After we had kids, things changed. All of sudden my wife did not have the time and energy to meet my needs in the ways that I wanted, and I became resentful. Our relationship started to spiral downward.
Eventually I stumbled onto the concept of “change yourself first” and started applying it to the problems in my marriage. It took a while to pick up steam, but the more I looked at my own attitudes and behaviors, the more I realized that I was not the model husband. Since then my personal growth has exploded. I am a much happier and more positive person, even though the circumstances of my life have not changed much. We still have small kids who drain our time and energy. Sex is still very rare, but I’m OK with all of this now and I am confident that things will get better over time.
It truly is about growing up
This is a good and bold article! The trouble with writing about marriage is, of course, the trouble of trying to address simultaneously the vast variety of dynamics and personalities and experiences and tendencies baked into each fragrant and unique loaf of this artisanal, relationship bread.
I’d like to suggest that “I choose you because you complete me” does not necessarily oppose “I choose you because you expose me.” Happiness in marriage is far from an unrealistic or errant goal – marriage is no lumber mill, after all, built only for stripping and grinding and sanding. My marriage is a source of joy and peace and laughter – I’m as content with my life (with my wife and child) as I’ve ever been. My wife is my other half. Life feels undeservedly rich.
In marriage, as in life with Christ, it’s beautiful and proper to expect to find joy and fulfillment, as long as we’re genuinely willing – eager, in fact – to be exposed and to learn and grow constantly along the way.
Thanks for your thought-provoking words!
~j oliver