How many chameleons do you meet each day?
People who have the ability to blend into the group they’re with.
I know you’ve met a few, perhaps you’ve married one, or you’re one yourself.
A chameleon is the person who becomes whatever they believe the people they’re with want them to be in order to be liked. He’s the guy who uses the big words when he’s with his smart friends, talks sports with his athletic friends, cusses and swears with his work friends, is the perfect son when around his mother, and all business talk when with his father.
Underneath it all, the chameleon has no idea who they are or if anyone else would like them if they were able to just be themselves.
What drives them is the desire to be what they perceive others want them to be because if they don’t, they’re afraid they’ll wind up alone.
The irony of all this – they likely already feel alone most of the time anyway.
Since chameleons do not believe they are okay and likable just as they are, they will go to great lengths to convince themselves and others that they are lovable.
If you’re a chameleon, you may focus on something about yourself, or what you do, or even who you’re around in order to attain the approval and validation you seek from others – things like your looks, talent, smarts, work ethic, kindness, attractive spouse, cute kids, nice house or nice car.
While everyone gives these parts of life some thought, chameleons attach these parts to the perceived value it provides for their life. Let me give you an example:
Steve uses the various parts of his life to win approval and love from others. He prides himself for always being in a good mood, dressing well, living in the right neighborhood, driving a nice and always clean car, having cute kids, and an attractive wife. When he and his wife go out, he’s very concerned about how she looks because of the reflection her attractiveness to others has on him.
Steve also wants to be seen as a good dad, so he likes to dress his kids so they look cute, then take them to the park. He believes when others see his kids they will smile and perceive him to be a good father.
What’s interesting is that no one really values Steve for his attachments, as none of these things have anything to do with who he is as a man.
The Dilemma Of Close Relationships
Relationships, especially close ones, present a problem (and we all face this problem).
There’s no way that you can be in a close, committed relationship, and not have your partner discover who you really are.
This is the reason intimate relationships are so difficult. They’re balancing acts.
Every committed relationship carries with it the fear of hurt or betrayal due to vulnerability and the fear of isolation or loneliness if you’re not close. How you navigate this balancing act is the mechanism for growth in the relationship.
In reality: You can get as close as YOU choose in your relationships.
Perhaps you’ve believed the opposite – that your partner has to be open and available in order to create intimacy in the relationship. This is known as “other-validation,” and it’s very common in relationships (especially marriage).
Other-validated intimacy looks like this:
“I’ll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don’t, I won’t either. But I want to, so you have to. I’ll go first and then you are obligated to disclose too: it’s only fair. But before I go, you have to make me safe and secure. I need to be able to trust you.”
When you approach relationships with too much emphasis on the other person and their reaction, response or validation – you create the chameleon. And being in a relationship as a chameleon, or with one, almost ensures that neither partner will experience the intimacy and love both are seeking in the relationship.
Being intimate with someone doesn’t mean you get the response you want.
There’s a fundamental truth at work in every relationship – relationships (good, bad, and everything in between) are co-created.
In order for there to be a relationship, the partner’s have to collude to create it.
This may hit you like a punch in the gut, but it’s truth.
To move beyond the chameleon and use your relationships to grow, here’s a few rules to follow:
- Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity and personal development.
- Don’t count on your partner confronting him/herself … that’s his/her business.
- Stop taking your partner’s reactions personally.
- Don’t react to your feelings.
- Stop trying to change your partner.
- Stop trying to make your partner listen, accept or validate you.
- Forget about working on the relationship, and start working on yourself.
- Focus on your self, and not what your partner isn’t doing.
(photo source)
I learned a great deal about myself in the time it took me to read this. I continue to work on changing myself. I am not sure about #4 – Don’t react to your feelings. If I feel something, anger, hurt, sorrow……how can I not react?
Often times when over-react to our feelings without sorting them out. It’s more of a knee-jerk reaction.
What if this was changed to – Don’t react to your feelings, respond to them.
The three words “Respond to them” makes the difference. Thanks!
I love your list at the end! Number 8 is one I try to teach myself and my whole family (especially feuding siblings!). It is not easy to do, but remembering those words brings everything in perspective.
Thanks for the great post!
Melissa
I am not sure that I agree with number 7. I think that it is important to work on the relationship as well. If you don’t work on the relationship and you only work on yourself, I feel as though you are going to end up forgetting how important that relationship is, and the effort that you originally committed into putting in to it. Of course working on yourself is important, but I think forgetting the relationship isn’t the right thing to do….especially in a turbulent marriage.
Thanks for the comment … this idea if further explained in the Simple Marriage Manifesto (http://www.simplemarriage.net/manifesto.html)
It is a good article, and I agree with the premise. Many of us will be able to take your suggestions to heart and begin building on them. Unfortunately, abot 12-18% of the population is married to someone with one of several Cluster B personality disorders – like Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissitic Personality Disorder. These people will never be able to own up to who they are. Everything is perception with them. There is no reality other then what they create in their minds. I was marrid to one, and I can tell you, if that is the case, your best bet is to start working on becoming the best possible and most honest person you can be in preparation for your next marriage.
Two comments:
1. Best.Post.Ever!!!
2. Ouch!
–Said Susan the Chameleon
I know I need to work on these things when I think as I read it “yeah, my husband should start working on this”
. Seriously, good advice to work on!
This post couldn’t be more true. We all do this to some extent. It’s a refreshing reminder to not blame the other, and to focus on yourself rather than your spouse. I struggle with this quite often in that space between my ears.
I have a wonderful way to help you determine if your mate (or you) are in fact a chameleon. I have used information from a great e-book that I found to help delve deep into an engaging conversation. It is a quick and easy read; the book was very inexpensive and well worth the time! And boy, does it help to ferret out the chameleon in all of us. The book can be found at: haydendane.com
I’d like to believe everyone in this world at one point was a chameleon. Especially through the teenage years. For some people it may take longer to find themselves and where they are truly happy but have you ever seen a 80 year old chameleon? I think eventually everyone grows out of it.
Great post. I see this behavior in many people, especially women. If I agree with my partner, do the things he likes to do, don’t require my likes to be honored, etc., he will love me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work over time. Honoring who you are and requiring your partner to do the same is the path to true intimacy. As you say, this requires both vulnerability and courage. It’s definitely worth it though.