In the 1940s a relatively unknown psychiatrist named Helmuth Kaiser wrote about a figure skating performance by identical twins he witnessed as a young boy. It wasn’t the impeccably choreographed performance that caught his attention, it was the mesmerized crowd’s reaction.
He also noted that synchronized swimming teams, high-kick chorus lines, and precision military teams produced this same effect. Kaiser intuited that there was something about the unison involved in these performances that stirred the crowds.
More recently, the rapid spread of the Irish dancing phenomenon Riverdance confirms Kaiser’s discovery.
What captured the crowd was an illusion, a fantasy.
A fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind. Where separate identities were given up to become part of a larger oneness. He called this a fusion fantasy.
As married individuals, we fall victim to the fusion fantasy everyday. The “two shall become one” belief creates much – if not most – of the marital discord couples face today.
The illusion that a good marriage being like tightly choreographed figure skaters is impossible to live.
There are many times in my counseling sessions when I ask the couple I’m working with if they’re actually conjoined twins or connected some other physical way.
This also happens when I hear “we speak.”
Be honest – you do this too.
When asked a question about the current state of your marriage, you reply, “We both want to make this thing work” or “We love each other and are committed to each other.”
Really?
Since when have you been able to know what your spouse thinks and feels? Oh, you may have a general idea based on your experiences with one another, but you don’t know what’s going on in their head – nor should you want to.
“We speak” is the tip of the emotional fusion iceberg.
Couples who are too close are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, or one position.
There’s only one way to break free of this fusion fantasy – grow up.
Sure you could leave the relationship in an attempt to break the emotional fusion, but if you don’t grow up, you’re going to repeat the process in your next relationship.
Marriage is designed for our refinement. Why not lean into the marriage and experience more of what it has to offer? Sure it’s work, even scary at times.
But it’s worth it!
Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7
Adapted from Schnarch, D. Passionate Marriage.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.
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I never wanted to be a conjoined twin but somehow, without realizing, the tissues just started to fuse. While I’m not totally through the surgery to separate, I am getting closer every day. It seams that I feel I am doing well, and then a situation comes up that makes me say “oh wow, didn’t see that one coming! I thought I was more separated than this” But then, it gives me something new to work on. It’s all about the journey right?
well said!
Hmmm…great food for thought here, Corey. I agree with you in the strict terms that we remain individuals after we get married. After all, we have our own unique thoughts, needs and feelings.
However, I personally feel like we should be striving toward “oneness” where our most influential and vital relationship is our marriage. I draw a lot of strength, motivation and life from my wife and my marriage. If I lost her, I would truly lose part of myself.
Sure, we are not totally together and certainly not conjoined physically. But we ARE joined spiritually and emotionally, and we strive everyday to be MORE together, not less.
Having been in one of those ‘we’ marriages (many years ago) I learned this the hard way. Great article.
I like how Kahlil Gibran puts it:
“And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Great quote – thanks.
I agree, the “fusion fantasy” can be really strong with some couples. And as you've shown, it is reinforced by both culture and religion! A hard place for therapists to start when working with couples with this mindset. I've found that I need to build a lot of trust with clients before suggesting that some of the ideas they're keeping about “two become one” are not realistic, and are even harming the relationship.