The Simple Answer to a Lasting Marriage
Photo courtesy lovedaylemon
With the divorce rate continuing to hover around 50%, divorce has become more and more commonplace. If your marriage becomes too much work or is too difficult or if you are not happy enough, get a divorce. My opinion of this idea: why take the easy way out?
Marriage is work. Marriage is struggle. But then again, any close relationship is. And for that matter, so is anything of value in life.
There are times when I have been asked “what makes a marriage last?” “What’s the secret to a lasting marriage?” The answer is actually simple (simple is not to be confused with easy).
Before I divulge the answer, let’s tackle a few marriage myths.
Thanks to popular press and Hollywood, the work involved in marriage is poorly displayed. Many people seem to think that marriage will be a lifelong romantic escapade along the shore at sunset before returning home for the nightly passionate adventure enveloped in silk sheets with your lover. I know you’ve bought into this idea somewhat if you can easily complete this phrase: “and they all lived…”
The honeymoon is over, morning breath has set in, your partner sees you for who you are, plus you see your partner more for who they are. You realize that marriage requires more of you. The dream of marriage has been replaced with the reality of marriage. You and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on everything. You’ve slept on the couch at least once in your married life. There has been a roller coaster of feelings. Close. Distant. Passion. Boredom. Joy. Sadness.
When you get right down to it, marriage is not about happiness. Marriage is about two people growing up and becoming better humans.
Nowhere else are we faced with the task of growth more than marriage. So what’s the secret to making marriage last? Two people who choose to stay married. That’s it.
Marriage is choice. Choice of partner, choice of self, choice of growth, even choice of passion and adventure.
While this may at first appear simplistic, it should be. When you view what’s going on in your marriage as a process for growth and experiencing more in life, it makes the choice simple.
Most of the time, we focus on our partner and our desire for them to change or do something different. This is focusing on something we can’t control. If we decide to grow, do something different, change the things we don’t like about ourselves, we take charge of our own life as well as our relationship.
With everything that happens to us in life and love, how you view it will determine the outcome. When you have times of disagreement, could it really be a time to grow closer? Or a time to understand more about your spouse? When you feel your partner pulling away, maybe it’s an opportunity to engage your partner in a better way.
For more information on this idea, look for The Simple Marriage Matrix, available now!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.15 Responses to “The Simple Answer to a Lasting Marriage”
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I think commitment is the key. It’s why I’ve been married 24 years cause we both know there has been some tough times in there. But having persevered and realizing what you said about only being able to change yourself is true, I’ve come a long way and now things are really good. When I changed me, he started changing things about him. Interesting how it works.
I love the ‘stache on the guy in the photo.
Sometimes the most simplistic advice is the wisest. (Actually, that probably applies to almost all advice.) Great post, and fantastic picture. I love it!
Off to read marital espresso. (Found you via ZH, btw.)
Your comments about Hollywood remind me about a little habit I have with my husband. Occasionally I make a special request for a “movie kiss.” This is the only way for me to get a swept-off-my-feet kind of smooch from my sweet husband. Early in our marriage, I asked for this kind of kiss because I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. Now, it’s really just a joke between us, because we have learned that life isn’t always full of romance and roses.
@ the wife – a “movie kiss” huh? Interesting idea.
@ Naomi – Welcome. I hope you enjoy. Looking forward to your interactions.
I’m thinking I should try to grow a moustache similar to the dude above!
No you shouldn’t.
Corey,
Great site. I believe that marriage is a commitment. It’s a relationship that we build on faith and love. It also involves having desire to give up for your alter ego. Becoming selfless is the hallmark of a great relationship.
I’ve used Buddhists belief in living in the present moment: It detaches your emotions from the outcome of an argument with your wife. If I do not expect desirable ( in my favor ) expressions, I condition my mind to remain happy regardless of an outcome.
I just join your blog. I would love to have you visit my blog and sign up using the feedburner email.
http://www.successsoul.com/blog/
Happy blogging !
Shilpan
@ Shilpan- I recently heard a different take on the idea of marriage as an institution. Rather than using the term that denotes a solid structure, marriage is fully a relationship. Fluid, changing, synergetic. I’m going to run with it. Thanks for joining.
I’ve always particularly liked this article. I find it so hopeful as a young person starting out on the relationship journey (not married yet) even as I see so many in my parent’s generation getting divorces. It can be rather overwhelming to see it happen to so man and wonder what I can do now to prevent that in my own life.
The beauty of the framework you lay out is that when we approach marriage (or even any other relationship) in this way, we prepare ourselves for a much richer and more productive life. Our life goal’s should not be to be happy, but to grow to become better people.
Assuming of course you want a lasting marriage….
You can choose to stay married when your partner chooses infidelity.
You can choose to stay married when your partner is constantly mean to you.
You can choose to stay married even when your partner shows no willingness to address your unhappiness.
The list is endless. At some point you will ask yourself — what’s so special about a lasting marriage?