The Value Of Values
photo credit: thinkpublic
Editor’s Note: This post is by Tim Brownson of The Discomfort Zone.
I don’t do joint life coaching anymore. Actually that’s not entirely true, I do very occasionally do so after I’ve done the kind of client vetting that would have hardened CIA operatives purring with pride and admiration.
It wasn’t always like that. Until about 3 years ago I was happy to take on singles, couple or even triples if necessary, although the latter never actually happened. Then one day I made the tragic error of doing a joint value elicitation with a husband and wife.
A value elicitation is the process of working out what the core values of a person are. It is the single most important thing I do with clients because it not only allows me to understand what makes them tick, but for them to understand themselves a lot better too.
I’ve only once had a client come to me in almost 5 years knowing exactly what her core values were. Most people flap around in the dark and often feel stuck by knowing something is wrong in their life, but not knowing what it is.
It’s usually a conflict of values.
I’ve never had a client that already lived in alignment with her values and I suspect that’s because such people rarely pick up the phone to call a life coach. They’re generally too busy grinning and thinking, “Life doesn’t get much better than this”
Your values are determined over many years and are influenced by countless things including your family (or even lack of family), your friends, television, politicians, Church leaders, cultural influences, books you have read, incidents (both positive and negative) you’ve seen or been involved in, conversations you had and much more. That list explains more clearly why even close siblings or twins have many different values and character traits.
Our values tend not to shift too much when we get past our early twenties. We all have a tendency, as with beliefs, to look for information to cement the values we already posses and filter out information to the contrary. As Robert Anton Wilson says “The thinker thinks and the prover proves”
Having said that, things can change radically under certain circumstances. Suppose you’ve never had health as a main priority because you’ve always been fighting fit and then you suddenly find your have a serious illness. Health would suddenly finds its way to the top of your list very quickly indeed. Fortunately though, extremes like that are not the norm.
This particular husband and wife were from very different cultural backgrounds. She grew up in the Deep South in a devoutly Baptist household, whereas he came from a New England family with a much more laid back approach to religion and family values. To cut a very long story short, she had ‘Family’ down at number one on her list and he had it at number seven.
The three most important rules to understand with values are:
- There is no right or wrong. Only right or wrong for the individual. Your values are right for you and mine are right for me. No two people will have the same values.
- Just because one value sits below another, it doesn’t mean it’s not critically important.
- If somebody’s values do appear to be quite blatantly wrong and even an idiot can see that, refer back to rule one.
Needless to say, the lady concerned didn’t fully embrace those principles, which soon became apparent when she tried to pull her husbands hair out whilst slamming a knee into his unprotected crotch.
I slipped out quietly by a side door narrowly avoiding a poorly aimed vase as I went. I wondered to myself “Where did it all go wrong? “At what point did I fail to realize carnage was about to ensue?” and “Was that guy ever going to be in a position to be able to produce a family anyway now? Thus making the whole exercise a moot point.”
If you’re in a relationship, then your partner has different values to you.
It really is that clear-cut.
That’s not to suggest you don’t agree on many things and that some of your values don’t match, but they’ll be in a different order and some will be completely contrary to each other.
Have you ever argued about politics, which school to send the kids to, whether its right to give money to homeless people, the conflict in Iraq or the morality of life coaches that sometimes swear on their blogs? That will be because you have conflicting values because there is no other reason.
That doesn’t in any way mean you can’t be in a really strong and stable relationship, in fact often it can be just the opposite. Different values encourage compromise and deeper understanding, two of the things crucial to a successful relationship.
It’s the ultimate in arrogance to believe we have a handle on what is right and wrong and others need to understand that. Yet that is how every argument, fight, and even war starts out. Right and wrong is a man-made concept, it doesn’t even exist in nature except where we choose to impose it.
Resist the urge to inflict your values upon others, including loved ones. By doing so, not only are you likely to avoid arguments and conflicts, but be seen as a beacon of tolerance, understanding and love. And as beacons go, that’s one of the best.
Tim Brownson is an English certified life coach now living in Florida. He runs the blog The Discomfort Zone where he likes nothing better than to be told he’s wrong by his readers.
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You know, it’s nice to hear someone say that a married couple can be opposites and it can still work! My DH and I are opposite in almost every way possible – and we’re still happy 99% of the time. Our values are very different – polar opposites! And we’ve had to learn to BOTH compromise on that. Sometimes, that’s really not easy.
Food for thought, thanks Tim!
Great post. I would love to know how one can learn about his/her value. I wish you had referred us to a website or book which I could read more about the subject and find about my values. Thank you.
I’ve been married for almost 25 years and I recently wrote a post on constructing a content marriage. My wife and I definitely have some different values. The most important thing I learned was to let her values take her in the direction she wants to grow. It’s not easy.
@ Sean – I actually have an e-book that includes the forms I use and an explanation of how I do it. It’s only available until Wednesday when it will be pulled for good.
There’s a link at the bottom of this post http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/youre-close-minded/ if you’re interested.
I have actually had a values analysis with Tim and it was like a bolt of lightening. That illuminating; that powerful.
After that I was like “DUH! No WONDER I have been struggling with this issue. It’s TOTALLY opposed to my core values.” I sort of kind of maybe had an idea of what they were, but I never really understood just how IMPORTANT they were.
After that, the idea that value conflict can lead to a lot of marital conflict makes a TON of sense.
Tim, I appreciate your thoughts and the humility you suggest to employ in marriage and relationship. However, even the idea of respecting and tolerating others’ values is a value in and of itself, right?
One values tolerance and the lack of an absolute right or wrong. The other values the idea of absolute truth and an agreed upon sense of right and wrong…what do you do in that case?
The idea of humbly considering one anothers’ values is crucial. But the assertion that no value is better than the other is an argument that defeats itself…because the assertion is a value too.
To me, the better way is to work together in marriage to understand each others’ values best enable us to love each other and our neighbors well…and seek to discover what new values will result from our union together.
What do you think?
I blog at http://www.burningbushes.org
@ Hayden – Thanks for that!
@ Nicole – I’m not completely sure I understand what you’re driving at, but I’ll have a got at answering.
Yes there needs to be a level of tolerance and of course that can be described as a ‘value.’ I think it’s unlikely that anybody would enter into a marriage where there was no tolerance because that would also intimate there was no respect either. Not saying it doesn’t happen but it throws much of what I’m saying out of the window.
To say that no value is better than another, is not a value, it’s simply a presupposition. Unless you accept that, then can you never look at other peoples values without judging them.
Wow! Is it happy hour around here? I’m getting my two favorite blogs at the same time and for no extra charge!
Why would someone think they would have the same values as their spouse? The two people don’t have the same DNA, the same experiences, or come from the same family. To think a hub and a wife should have the same values sounds insecure to me. Can’t I be good with my values and myself AND think my hub is ok with his? Now there are some deal breakers like if I value monogamy but he values the variety pack but unless the values contradict each other making life impossible, then knowing and learning from someone with different values as yours can help you grow up, I would think.
Tim, I was proud that you controlled your language on Corey’s blog. You can talk about sex all you want here but no cussing! he he he
So while I agree with so much of what you say about values, I do have a slightly different perspective. I think there are values that belong to the relationship- that show up in the relationship system. The kind of thing you might find when you ask yourselves the question, “Who are we?” and “Who are we not?” I have been trained by the Center for Right Relationship and there are some novel ways of thinking about couples that are worth looking at http://www.centerforrightrelationship.com
I love this, Corey – Most of us are trained to think – from every bit of information we get and have always gotten – that what we “have in common” is the most important thing. And the truth is – we hardly EVER have what we think we have in common, and it doesn’t matter anyway. If Matlin and Carville can be happily married – then surely this commonality thing is overrated. Seems to me that certain values are crucial, though – honesty, willingness to talk and listen about how people are feeling in the relationship, solving problems – and some similarities in energy patterns that are nearly impossible to quantify. Thanks for opening this discussion. Sarah
Hi Tim! I enjoyed this post, mostly because it gave me the warm fuzzy feeling of being right. My husband and I certainly do not have exactly the same values in the same order but it works because we’re pretty accepting of each other. And I’m not sure if it’s by luck or what, but none of our values directly conflicts, which makes it easier.
We do disagree on a lot of matters, but it would be boring to be married to myself, wouldn’t it?
I think that one reason people flap around without knowing what their values are is because they are unclear about what a value is. As a result, we confuse values for principles, and fight over preferences.
A principle is a truth – a fundamental belief – that lays the foundation for other truths. Principles shape our values. Values are the building blocks for principles. Values often change with cultural changes, whereas principles are timeless.
If my foundation is a belief that relationships have a purpose, and that purpose is to shape me into a better person, I’m going to value the experiences that push my growth. I may not like those experiences, but my principle belief will allow me to appreciate the opportunities to accomplish my purpose.
If my foundational principle is that relationships have no purpose other than to fulfill my wants and desires, I’m going to value changing partners in order to accomplish my purpose.
We are often uncomfortable when we encounter someone who not only knows his/her principles, can define the values that express those principles, and then live according to both!
Let’s suppose you have differing values on just about everything “controversial”. I mean, everybody shares values about being kind and the golden rule, etc….I expect everybody would share those values anyway. But what if you disagree on politics, religion, abortion, together time v. alone time, diet, fitness, entertainment, music–you share no common ground on matters of opinion or taste. What do you focus on to keep that sort of a relationship together, or is it one that is really doomed to failure or unhappiness anyway?
@ Pearl – I certainly don’t disagree that there maybe joint values within a relationship.
@ Mary Ann – You know, I really don’t get that at all. When I read Steve Pavlina’s book I was the same way. The principles you talk of are concepts to my mind. There is no definitive ‘Truth’. Not one that can be explained anyway. I prefer the Buddhist philosophy with this “If you can describe or explain truth then that isn’t it”
OTOH, I’d love to read more and if you can point me in the right direction I would be grateful.
@ John – Firstly, in my experience not everybody does share the values you talk of, but that’s beside the point.
If you are completely opposed on ALL major values, then I think it’s unlikely you’d ever get married in the first place to be honest. I guess Corey is better qualified to answer that question than I am if I’m being honest.
@ Tim: Unlikely, maybe. Impossible, no….this I can assure you from experience
As a psychiatrist, I disagree with your premise, which pretty much forms the basis of much of the article, that values are relative, and none are more important then the next. So if I believe that rape is okay and females should not have an education, is that fine because each person is entitled to their own values? All values are not equal, and just because everyone is entitled to their own opinion does not mean it is the correct opinion. That is a modern problem that has plagued society, and where all the mess started in the first place. Classical Greek philosophy believed in absolute truth, divine law, and natural law, which can be the only basis for the determination of values. People may have different values, but does not mean that everyone has the right values. In matters of taste and opinion yes, but not in matters of right and wrong. Killing of innocent women will never be right in any circumstance, no matter what opinion the person holds. This is relativism.
Secondly, it is much better to have core values in common in a marriage then not to. There are going to be countless areas where you will have to compromise in any relationship, no matter how compatible they are. There is no reason to make it more difficult by having different core values, things that you might not be willing to compromise on.
Are you being serious?
Where did you get that rape can be a value? Seriously, where other than in your own head did I say or even infer that?
Your clients must love you and your open-minded attitude
It is an extreme example, but stated to make the point that all values are not relative, some are better than others. So, what do you define as a value? On what basis do you evaluate values? You stated that no values are better than any other. A thorough study of anthropology, psychology, history, philosophy, logic, classic literature, or in general a good liberal education would likely convince you otherwise. My main objection with the essay was your statement that there is no right or wrong, something that is wrecking havoc on marriages.
Lets analyze your three prong approach:
Rule #3:If somebody’s values do appear to be quite blatantly wrong and even an idiot can see that, refer back to rule one.
Rule #1: There is no right or wrong. Only right or wrong for the individual. Your values are right for you and mine are right for me. No two people will have the same values.
There is no right or wrong is what you said, and my statement is the logical conclusion.
PS, my patients not clients, love me, although even if they didn’t I would be overwhelmed due to the shortage of psychiatrists, but I base my decisions on peer-reviewed evidence-based studies and on logic and reason, not feelings.
“The object of opening the mind, as of opening the mouth, is to shut it again on something solid.” – Chesterton
“Don’t be so open-minded that your brain falls out”