The vision of a marriage fully alive (part 1)
As the years pass and your marriage progresses, I am willing to bet that you are not in the same relationship from which you began. Oh you may still be with the one you originally married, but the relationship is not the same. It can’t be. We constantly change and evolve. It is one of the natural laws that can not be avoided. I would also be willing to bet that most of us would not want to still be in that same relationship.
Every relationship starts off in that euphoric, sappy state of being where you can not imagine life without the other. You spend all your time each day wondering what the other person is doing, thinking, feeling, and if they miss you as much as you miss them; even though you’ve only been apart for 15 minutes. As we have all experienced, this state can not last forever and life settles in. This is where the relationship is faced with the choice of either growing or deteriorating. Now this may be a bit simplistic but it is still true. How much planning is spent on relational growth from this point? Have you developed a vision of your relationship down the road? Now. Five years from now. Ten. Twenty.
We are each capable of pointing out what is wrong with our relationship or what is missing (we are also quick to point this out in our spouse). How often are we willing to do this about ourselves? We need to be able to develop a vision for ourselves; and then for our relationship. Only then will life begin to run more smoothly. When you don’t know where you want to go, any route will do. If you have a vision for where you want to go, you can then share that with your spouse and get their input on a shared vision, of which you will only control half.
A relationship vision begins with three distinct, yet interrelated concepts. They are space, clarity, and personal development. These concepts are born out of the idea that we are capable of creating the life we desire from intention. The first step to creating from intention is to focus within ourselves. This week will set the foundation briefly for each of these concepts and the following weeks will go more in depth.
The things in our lives require space. When we have enough space, things run smoothly. Space usually entails many different areas; physical, mental, time, emotional and spiritual. We all know what is like to not have enough space. You board your plane for the flight to the coast and discover you are sitting next to the person that you swear used to play offensive lineman for the Cowboys. When we don’t have enough space, we are often short. Short of room, short of temper, short of clarity.
Clarity is the ability to see both close and far with awareness and insight. Clarity is instrumental in developing the life and relationship we want. This involves not just what we want in our life, but also what we do not want. What are the things you want to have in your relationship? What are your relationship deal breakers? Spend some time developing a clear vision of life going forward. Realize however, that when another person is involved with the fulfillment of this vision, you will have to adapt and adjust at times since you can not control what they want for their own lives.
The last area is personal development, which is necessary for sustained growth. The previous two areas will produce short term improvement, but lasting growth will only come from you developing into a better human. When both members of the relationship take care of this within themselves, a tremendous amount of energy is created.
In the following weeks we will discuss each topic more in depth. Feel free to join in the discussion with questions and comments along the way.
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR NEWSLETTER OR WEBSITE? No problem, as long as you include the following: For more resources and information visit www.marriagefullyalive.com.
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don't miss any future posts.7 Responses to “The vision of a marriage fully alive (part 1)”
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I shared my vision a while back with my spouse. He told me how my dream would never happen. Corey you are assuming that a spouse would encourage you and that you would only need to edit your vision to include your partner’s point of view and ideas. Or at least compromise two ideas into one vision and press on toward the prize. It is difficult to have a vision when one’s partner refuses to allow himself to dream. I guess you have to dream by yourself. Hum. How’s that a relationship? It kind of makes you want to fill the void with other things you know? Please reply.
Unfortunately a relationship vision does require two people to make it happen. If only one is interested, then it is up to that one to create the vision they wish for themselves. The nature of relationships is they will either build each member up towards their dreams or they will seek to remain the same in order to ease the discomfort and anxiety of one or both of the partners. I believe you can still create a vision for your life and stay in the same marriage, although when a spouse is not interested in dreaming, as long as the couple stays together, the dreams for the other spouse will be diminished some.
I did let go of that dream, at least for now. I am hoping that after our kids no longer need our financial assisstance, he will allow himself to think beyond the present. My dream centered around retiring at a beautiful wooded lake out away from the city. I’ve been there. It takes your breath away. I was researching it and trying to prepare myself to perhaps own my own shop own in the town closeby for local crafters to sell their pottery, stained glass etc and perhaps sell some of my own but I stopped researching. It seemed fruitless.
I am interested in what you mean when you say: they will seek to remain the same in order to ease the discomfort and anxiety of one or both of the partners.
What is the connection between remaining the same and easing the discomfort and anxiety of one or both of the partners? It seems to me that sharing a vision would in itself decrease the discomfort and anxiety because having a dream is a positive thing, almost freeing in a way. I must be missing something.
Systems, such as relationships and families, seek homeostasis. It is what the system knows and will tend to seek the same thing. When one member of the system starts to change, the others in the system often will try to return things back to “normal”.
I have done something new for me. The major thing that holds me back in living fully alive is finding joy in the midst of difficulty. There is an older lady at our church who had stresses in her married life both with her spouse and her child yet when I think of a joyful person, she is the first one that comes to mind. Her life now is not filled with the turmoil it once was although she is not immuned to the difficulties of life, but she went through “hell on earth”. I have made a dinner date with her. You have said to me that finding the joy has to come from within. I want to talk to her to see how she got there. I want to see what I can learn from her. How does she notice the wild strawberries while the tiger is chasing her? How can she be so in tuned to God in the midst of chaos and pain? How can she still love life when it is beating her in the head with a hammer?
Do you think this is a good thing or more trying to find the formula?