We are all sexual beings.
It’s part of our design.
Sexuality plays a role in most everything we encounter. And our society has become more and more sexualized. But in marriage, there’s more to life than sex.
Did I really just say that out loud? I guess I did.
A major component of a fulfilling marriage is the connection you sustain with your spouse. However, many times this bid for connection can be met with skepticism. As if there is an ulterior motive with your wanting to touch your spouse.
There may be times when your spouse sees right through your motives. It may also be that your “moves” need a little work.
I believe that most of the communication within marriage is covert. Speaking up and saying what you really think or want often involves too much risk. So we figure out how to get what we want through covert action. Now to be fair, both men and women are complicit in this exchange.
In order to break this pattern, the truth must come out.
This could be as simple as speaking up when you are interested in going out with your friends for the evening, or when you want to buy the newest techno gadget, or even when you want to have sex.
An interesting phenomenon occurs in most people when the topic of sex comes up. Everyone claims they are interested in the act, many claim to really enjoy it, but most people have a hard time talking about it with their spouse.
Most men will report that in their marriage, sex is a way feel closer. While most women will state they want to feel closer in order to be more interested in sex.
With these differing views of the same thing, no wonder gridlock occurs in marriage.
An interesting thought about the statements above: both men and women report that they are interested in greater connection with their spouse.
But they go about it differently.
So what exactly is the benefit of a closer connection in marriage you ask?
A marriage that is fully alive experiences better things in life. Better joy. Better love. Better families. Better children. Better jobs (not necessarily better money, but better fulfillment). Even better sex. While the quantity of sex may not increase, the quality will.
Incorporating more non-sexual touch in marriage will increase the level of connection. Bear in mind, the point of this type of touch is the connection, not the possibility of sex later.
How to increase the non-sexual touch factor.
- Hold hands. This may seem grade schoolish but it really is a great way to connect with your spouse. You may already be a hand holder. Most guys seem to lose this ability after the relationship has gone on for a while, so do some women. Next time you are with your spouse watching TV, walking in the park or mall, at a ball game, reach over and grab their hand.
- Men, put your arm around her shoulder. This is actually a very comfortable way to sit together. You can do this smoothly, you know, it starts by stretching your arms out to both sides then one arm just naturally lands around her shoulders. Seriously though, sit next to her and put your arm around her. Tell everyone else she is important to you.
- Give massages. The art of the massage often seems to most guys to be a prelude to something more or a chore to be avoided at all costs. A relationship can receive a serious jump start if you were to give good massages. Shoulders. Feet. Back. Full body. What a great gift.
- Play with her hair. My wife would sit for hours if I were to brush her hair. In fact, she often encourages our kids to brush her hair (which they love to do).
- Hug. As simple as it sounds, hugging can be a great tool for connection. Stand on your own two feet and hug your spouse. Hold them in your arms. Feel their presence. Make note of their heartbeat. Notice yours. Connect on a deeper level.
- Pats on the rear. I’ll admit, I’m a rear patter. When my wife walks by, there’s a good chance she’s going to get a pat on the rear. I have no idea when this started. But now my kids have even exhibited signs of following my lead. The other day my oldest walked up and slapped her mom on the rear. While this can be a playful expression of connection, I guess I need to be careful about developing followers. I also need to be careful to not apply too much force.
- Hand on their leg. While you are sitting together, a great bid for connection comes from placing your hand on their leg. An obvious word of caution, the further you place your hand up the leg decreases the non-sexual factor of this touch. But if you sit together with your hand on your spouse’s knee or even mid thigh, it demonstrates an interest in them and their presence.
- Eye to eye. Although this is the last one in the list, it’s perhaps the most important. Make a habit of looking your spouse in the eye. Whether you’re talking or just in the same room throughout the day, make a connection with their eyes. Respect them by giving them your attention in conversations. Close the laptop, pause the TV, put the paper down and look your spouse in the eye. If you connect eye to eye several times a day, it will only take a few days until you both will notice a deeper connection.
Your turn. What did I miss?
(photo source)
I’m a kisser…
http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2010/01/sexy-moves-ten-second-kiss.html
Hey Athol, glad to see you jumping in the comments. I’m a fan of your blog, although only a lurker.
“While this can be a playful expression of connection, I guess I need to be careful about developing followers.” This completely cracked me up! Thanks for the smile. Love the ideas! My husband loves me to rub the back of his neck.
Often overlooked is the forehead kiss. A kiss that says , “I care about you” . It could also be a kiss to the cheek or to the back of the hand, top of the head,etc. It just shows affection in a less sexual way.
I like a foot massage. Another connection I enjoy is the look and smile from across a crowed room. But, it all good!
Ooooh, the hair thing! Yep, I dig that one too. But, you are right to emphasize the eye contact, and everything that goes with it. Stop the multitasking for five minutes and provide some undivided attention — the game will still be on, the newspaper will still be there, and that Tivo rewind button can always be used.
@Bobbi – to each their own, but I have always found a forehead kiss to include an element of condescension that is off-putting. I like a kiss on the cheek better.
@Laurie -the “across the room” business is great. Anything that means you are sharing a secret in public (a wink, a nudge, etc) is very, very intimate to me.
These are all great reminders. I know those touches can certainly create that closeness that “warms” me up for later intimacy if it is done in a way that is genuine and not “only because” of the anticipation of sex later. As a busy mom, it works much better for everyone if there is a build up, a transition rather than just jumping into bed at going for it. Women need more – or is that just me?
How about just cuddling in bed? I know my day is better when I get a chance to wrap my arms around my wife while we both slap the alarm in the morning. That’s literally hitting the snooze button. And a bad day can end good when she falls asleep in my arms while watching the “Daily Show”.
Heh. How about a low-key indication of how much you like your spouse, while the two of you are out in public? ..Today I was taking a stroll down the street during my lunch hour and was waiting at the crosswalk when I heard an appreciative whistle coming from one of the vehicles sitting at the red light. I thought nothing of it (figured it was some kid whistling at one of the shapely tanned lovelies standing nearby). Starting walking again when the light changed, I heard the whistle again, and imagine my UTTER surprise when the car drove drove by, driver grinning and pointing out at the window at ME! It was MY HUSBAND! He’d been sent out on some errand for the office and had just happened to turn onto the street where I’d been walking.
I was literally speechless, blushing and heart hammering.
And I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face.
The tips are great in this post. Along the same lines the my blog encompases. I might have to link to this one. Good post.
Hubby Coach
Mmm… I love it when my beloved one is passing by me in the kitchen, in the hall, etc. and while at there rooms there’s not much place, he also takes the opportunity to tenderly caress my waist or back while I give way to him. Is about aprreciation. Like saying “I noticed you and I love you.” It came from his family, but I was more than willing to learn and use this touch.
Since this was written, I’ve TURNED UP THE HEAT attempting to incease the contact and connection between us. My wife is generally is not a “touching” type of person. Unfortunately, she has not recipricated the contact with me which is something that I need.
I do enjoy giving her the contact and connection- it’s feels good for me and feels good for her too, but yearn to have her recipricate the contact and connect with me in a similar way.
Something is missing…